Surprise guys! I risked my ultimate fear of jury duty and registered to vote last month so that I would be eligible for when the time came. And I did it! My long time readers know that one of the top 5 worst experiences of my entire life was being called for jury duty at the ripe age of 18. Back then, I didn't know I was an Asper, so everything I had to deal with and my horrible experience has just grown into this massive monster in my head. It's been an internal struggle of mine for years, because I do follow politics and I do care, but the fear of that monster was just too great and it's kept me from registering to vote all these years. THIS time, however, I can't let it go. I will probably immediately get called up for jury duty, but that monster is for another day (or that's how I convinced myself, anyway, so we'll stick with that story for now). Voter registration and jury duty should NOT be tied together, but they are.
The early voting lines have been long, but several co-workers have been watching for their own purposes and have been keeping me informed. I knew there was NO WAY I could deal with actual election day and the crowds, but I didn't expect early voting to be as crowded as it has been. I kind of cornered one co-worker who lives close to me (so her district voting would be similar to mine), and maybe, sort-of, made her take me up there when the lines got a bit shorter (it was mean because she is married and now her husband has to go alone, Aspers can be very self-serving and I'm no exception). We got lucky on Tuesday because the lines shortened up, so we took a chance (basically, it was a spur of the moment thing, the only way it was going to work for me anyway). I was terrified the ENTIRE time and I'm surprised she even got me out of the vehicle! At least everyone was wearing masks (I was shocked at that, especially around here). I convinced myself the line was like waiting for a Disney ride, but I had to keep repeating "6 feet apart" more than once because the people around us were NOT abiding by that rule.
By the time I stepped foot in the building, my fear level was through the roof. I was shaking so badly, it was visible, although I was trying hard to hide it. They had ONE hand sanitizing station (but, of course, I had my own mini bottle in my purse). A doctor, about twenty people up from us, asked why they only had one hand sanitizing station...he got no answer. They were all business and just rushed him on. Me personally, I wasn't even able to even speak to my co-worker, let alone, the lady taking my license and registration information...it was all head shakes, especially by the point I got up the windows.
But I will say, once I signed in, the lady told me to pick a stylus, so I took a blue one, an act that I did on purpose because it aligned with my political view, which is what I thought you were supposed to do (most of the red ones were gone anyway and the blue ones were fully stocked...a side-effect of where I live). What surprised me was that there were VERY audible comments around me almost immediately, and the vibe in the room changed just as quickly! I was so laser-focused on my task at hand, I hadn't noticed that other people were paying attention to me...something I'm usually VERY hyper-aware of. My automated facade almost kicked in for me to blurt out, "I like blue better than red!", making it all about color instead of political choice just to cover my butt (which is technically true, I don't like red), so my brain was at least working well enough to process what was happening. That being said, it was a bloody stylus that you needed to vote, screw what color it was! I also knew that, if I were to voice my "blue" pick was my political choice; a) around here it probably would have gotten me beaten up or my house burned down, or; b) my fear level probably wouldn't have allowed for a clear and concise response...it probably would have come out a garbled mess and I would have ended up a byline on CNN or something for starting a riot! In the length of time my brain was arguing with itself about what to do (like I could do, or say anything at that point anyway), my co-worker did what I couldn't and stated rather loudly, "hey, I kind of like the blue ones better than the red...I think I'd rather have a blue one too!". I literally could have kissed her in that moment (which would have REALLY gotten us killed)!
So, I kept my mouth shut and took my blue stylus into the other room, eyes straight ahead. Who knew the color of a stylus would be my worst experience of voting in over 32 years? My knees were then shaking so bad, I'm not even sure how I managed to walk into the other room, but I did make it. I do feel sorry for those poor people who picked blue because they don't like red either and didn't know any better, but I have the feeling, especially around here, EVERYONE knows better. For that split second when I first picked up that blue stylus, I was a proud voter again for the first time in a very long time. I hate that I let everyone ruin it. I guess it doesn't matter because it didn't change my vote. Just another in a long line of memories that will plague me come next election time. I'd like to say I'll be brave a pick a blue one next time too, but I just don't know (although the color of my stylus WON'T affect my vote, but I'd like to be strong enough to at least stand by my beliefs, even if it's a stupid blue stick).
Anyway, personal choice aside, I braved my way into my first electronic voting session all by my lonesome, trying to ignore the haters, because honestly, I've gone against the grain my entire life over every other topic anyway, why should politics be any different? Yeah, that was what I kept repeating to myself probably 50 times in the 30 seconds it took to walk from one room to the other. I used a voting machine for the first time ever (since the last time I voted was with a tiny pencil on a scrap of paper that went into a wooden box with a padlock on it, so a definite step up), and made my way back out to the machines to put my ballot in. I think the whole process from window to waiting took all of two minutes, but it felt like an hour.
I did have to stand at the exit for a LONG time for my co-worker, because, unlike me, she didn't spend two weeks going over the entire ballot looking up all the candidates and issues, other than her pre-disposition for her presidential choice (a choice not based in facts, she doesn't watch the news and she certainly didn't watch a single debate or town hall...Facebook and gossip is her go-to news source for all things political, as it is for most all my co-workers...again, welcome to the great state of Arkansas). At that point, even though I had a few little blue friends before going in (and I DON'T mean stylus friends!), I had to take another while waiting for her. There were quite a few people who came out before her, all the ones who were the above commenters and the looks I got were, to say the least, "not nice". I figured I was safer waiting inside than going outside. I was coming close to losing it though and tried to busy myself by hitting my hand sanitizer a couple of times, which drew the ire of the ladies working the machines (they kept pulling their masks down to speak to each other, so I guess my overuse of hand sanitizer looked to them more like a germaphobe rather than an obsessive-compulsive freaking out at being leered at for her blue stylus choice...which was now hidden in my purse). I wish I could say I was overreacting, but even my co-worker noticed it again when she walked out and we talked about it all the way back to work.
But eventually, I was back at the safety of my desk, although the rest of my day was shot from my nerves. That blue stylus, FYI, is on my desk at work, a war wound, so to speak. I'm not saying I've conquered a huge fear here...this is the first time I've stepped foot inside a building outside of my job in 8 months and it was still terrifying and I'm not ready to do it again. I'm not suddenly ready to go through drive-thrus again or shop inside of stores, far from it. If anything, I'm more scared now than ever.
My lack of posting lately and trying to avoid negativity hasn't been to project a better image, it's because I'm personally declining to the point that the panic attacks to even walk into work have gotten worse. I'm working on getting help, but that's been difficult as well and it's probably a story for another day because it's REALLY long and complicated. Besides, the earliest appointment I could get in way into November, and I'm not even sure I can go through with it anyway. Time will tell on that one.
I'll keep you informed, but until then, I'll also keep up with the lack of negativity the best I can, which will probably mean posts will be limited to cross stitching (what little I do...my mind runs when I stitch and, at least right now, I need my mind to be quiet) I just wanted to share my news because, despite the hurtles, it is pretty big news, right?.
