Stitch update

It's that time again...another week ended and my stitching due for updating. This week was rather trying; work totally sucked pretty much the entire week, my heater decided to die just as it started to get really cold again (and I absolutely HATE cold!), and, because of three headaches (yes, three, more than I have had in the entire month of January), very little stitching got done. It's difficult enough to talk or walk on Stadol, let alone push a needle through very tiny little holes of 28ct! At least I didn't have to call my sister to come give me Alsuma shots. I really hate bothering her, but seeing as I am too chicken to give myself shots, even if they are auto-injectors (that just makes them more painful and scares the crap out of you when they go off), I really have no other choice. There is no one else I would trust to stab me with a large gas-powered needle connected to a tube of extremely cold liquid, but I will still try to avoid it at all costs.

Anyhoo, enough of my moaning...the week started here:


And here is where I am today:


I'm trying to look at it as I'm almost 2 pages down in my final 5 1/2 pages, but it was just a disappointing week all the way 'round, and optimism just isn't in my bones. Luckily, neither is pessimism. I have another chance of getting caught up next week and there is no use dwelling on the disappointment of this week, thus the mantra of a realist...hopeful, yet unexpectant of anything other than what will be.

Re-introduce Myself Blogfest

Today is the Re-introduce Myself Blogfest, a chance for new followers to discover the madness that is me!

I've told parts of my story a lot, so most of you aren't strangers to it. I started this blog after my withdraw from Facebook, as a way to still be social, but without having to read about the lives of people I went to high school with (who I didn't care about then, much less now). I wanted to share my stitching progress, brag about my pup, mercilessly plug Walt Disney World and pretty much all things Disney, as well as describe what it's like as an adult with Asperger's, OCD, and Social Anxiety Disorder. I think I've pretty much managed to beat all those topics into the ground with vigor, but that's what an Asper-girl does...I don't love much, but what I do love gets 200% of my heart and soul!

Not long after starting my blog, it was discovered I have a left temporal lobe meningioma (a benign brain tumor). I named the tumor after my two least favorite bosses and, upon occasion, you will see mention of Ferg-id and his evil plot to make my brain explode! I've been able to share my experiences with Ferg-id as well as my constant struggle with severe migraines (well, actually, I just whine a lot about not being able to stitch or blog because my head hurts or because I'm doped to the hilt).

I do participate in a couple of different blogging events, most of which are stitch related, but I'm very selective about the kinds of blogging events I join. I am, after all, a social-phobe, and every "public" event I join has consequences with my psyche. I'd like to say that blogging has helped me socially, but it really hasn't. I force social interaction because I know it's "good" for me, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. At least with blogging it's all about me versus Facebook which was all about everyone else. I have, however, made a couple of really good friends who I hope will stick with me long after my blogging career has ended!

I mainly post about stitching, but every once in a while I jump on my extremely high soapbox and mouth until I feel better. I wish I could say I regret a lot of my soapbox rants because I have been known to hurt the occasional friend, but that would be a lie (when the powers that be were giving out empathy and compassion, I must have either been in another line or on a plane to Disney). I have been known to do the occasional review or two about a favorite British television show or a band, but those are typically few and far between.

That's basically all there is to me and my blog! I'm extremely opinionated, offensive at times, self-absorbed, passionate to a fault, but immensely loyal and dedicated to the things that matter most to me as long as they are loyal back. I just realized...I'm a female Mr. Darcy (well, without the fortune, I'm as poor as a mouse). "My good opinion once lost is lost forever" pretty much sums me up in a nutshell!

I am still alive (or at least that's what they tell me)

I haven't given up blogging (for those that are worried...and I know there are hundreds, HA!)...I've just been living in headache-land this week. I haven't even turned my home computer on in three days and that's almost unheard of for me. This new diet just ain't workin'...I got no energy for anything other than sitting in the chair. Me and the doc are having another discussion tomorrow!!

I did make a decision about the video gaming issue...I decided NOT to get a PS2 until I finished Epic Mickey, swore on my Mother's life it wasn't happening! Well, sorry for my Mother's life, but it lasted all of two days! The promise may not be entirely broken yet because the PS2 is backordered until 6-21, so I have until then to beat Epic Mickey and save my Mother's life! I re-started the game last night from the beginning and it took me no time to get back into the "groove". I made it through the first couple of lands, so yeah me! Half a million more to go!

A Good Day! (for once)

I had a really good day at work today! I think that's the first time I've said that in years! I'm not getting my hopes up, but hey, it was nice for a change! I had my standard headache as per usual, but it was almost not noticeable!

But I did want to say thank you to all my friends, new and old, for the kind comments! I've had a bit of a time with all the meds and have not been able to blog like I used to, but hopefully things will change soon.

But thanks again to everyone and things have to get better because I have a Disney trip to plan!

Time for IHSW!

Considering I haven't even touched a needle in weeks...I don't hold out much hope of a good weekend, plus I have a hair appointment on Saturday, but I am gonna try to get something done for the sake of the event! I'm not sure yet which one I'll work on, so that will probably be a surprise!

Still no blogs of late because of same problem...had another doctor visit...got meds added, meds taken away, meds upped, meds downed...basically same ole, same ole. Still being doozer-bashed daily so we'll see. He's running me through a steroid pack now to break the current headache cycle but so far no help. He wanted me to take time off, but right now it's just not feasible. Ugh. That's a whole other can of worms!

But anyway, good luck everybody since I probably won't get out another post between here and yon!

Update and Sissy B-day

I haven't posted in a while and I've had a couple of questions about how I am, so I thought I'd give an update, but there's really nothing to update on. I've had a headache everyday for over a week (well, all but last Friday, my one reprieve which more than got made up for on Saturday). I've done absolutely no stitching. I've been working alot and sleeping not so much. I didn't want to bore ya'll with that info which is why I haven't been posting.

I have been doing a bit of spring cleaning and managed to clean out a ton of old clothes (including the last two pieces of my high school wardrobe), but it's going slow.

But, on a positive note (bet you thought that wasn't possible with me, but trust me, a pessimist I am not, just a realist), today is my Sister's B-day! So everyone wish her a happy B-day and here are my favorite two little guys to help:

What a productive IHSW!

Just not in the stitching foray! Sorry! I did stitch...on Saturday I worked on the 35th Anniversary stitch and got to here:


And Sunday I worked on my little Highland girl and got a lot more done:


So a little bit of stitch work. I'm just surprised I made it two days without a headache!! The progress I did make was in the house work area. I figured I'd better get what I could get done now while I felt like it. But not only did I get the house clean and shiny, but I managed to get a certain child of mine de-hippied!!

Before:


and his cute little butt after:



Trust me, he's not as miserable as he looks in the second "after" pic! He HATES his picture taken (he comes by it naturally)!

I have definitely decided it's time to say goodbye to the Effexor. I'm pretty sure it's why my stitching is suffering, my work is suffering, and everything else is suffering...my OCD kept me motivated and the Effexor is taming it way too much. All I want to do is sit on my butt and do nothing but watch TV (and I pretty much do just that). I've never seen my OCD as a bad thing, if anything, it's one of my finer attributes...it keeps all my bad traits in check, including the Asperger's. And even though the Effexor is helping tame the Asperger's too, the risks far out-weigh the benefits. I'm just not me anymore, which is what I knew would happen. Problem with Effexor is, it speaks for you and wants you to keep taking it. Last time I was at the neuro, I had to control myself to keep from asking him to up the dosage! This may be what I would be like if I were a "normal" person, but I'm not now, nor will I ever be normal and, quite frankly, I don't want to be if this is what normality is (or at least normality for me)! At least when I'm the real "me" I have passion and goals and a head full of magnificent uselessness! I want it all back! Now I just have to ween myself off it again. Maybe since I've only been taking it for a month and a half and only 75mg, I can quit it quicker than last time. I guess only time will tell. But NO MORE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS!! I AM NOT DEPRESSED! Anti-depressants seriously fuck up people who aren't depressed and especially people who are already fucked up and also not depressed! I haven't been depressed since I was a teenager and I ain't about to start now!

Oh, and Vickie, I am SOOO jealous you got the Lion King Kinkade before me!!! (Like how I shifted gears there...yep...there might still be a bit of crazy left in me yet!).

IHSW!

It's that time again for IHSW! I've had a pretty rough day head-wise, but at least I was smart enough this time to wait until the bosses left to take the big-bad drugs! I'm gonna try my hardest to do some stitching this weekend, but I make no promises! I think I might work on my little Scottish lass again for a while and see how it goes, but probably not tonight. Still have a bit more work to do before I can go home and I have GOT to clean my house! Being sick does not a clean house make!! Hopefully by tomorrow things will feel better "upstairs" and I'll be ready to stitch! Good luck everybody!

What a week!

First off...my wonderful Sister took my last post to heart because this arrived at work yesterday:


But then, she had to take me to the ER with a massive headache (the first time I have ever a-been to the ER with a headache and b-missed work because of one). This headache was completely different than the ones I'm used to though, and, upon reflection, it scared me as well (although I was Miss Brave Pants at the time).

I've learned that hydrocodone is a completely useless drug and I don't know why people kill to get it, so I hit the Stadol yesterday, which I have a different reaction to everytime...yesterday was apparently stoner reaction day. That put one of my doc bosses in total freak out mode - they usually aren't around when I'm having a bad headache (or I hide it well), but it's really hard to hide stoner mode! Needless to say, by the end of the day, he had my sister up here, had me rushed into the ER, and had me an appointment scheduled with the neurosurgeon for next week! Sometimes it's good to have connections (sometimes, it's just annoying because they get all up in your business).

I think the most important lesson I learned yesterday was suffer through the headache until the coast is clear to use the Stadol or you'll end up in the ER! Can't wait till that bill shows up! But then again, between the MRI last week and the CT they did in the ER, I'm sure I've met my insurance stop loss and any future med costs for the year should be covered!

But, hats off to Am, baby sis of the year, for putting up with her useless big sis!

And oh, BTW, in case you were wondering, that is my desk at work covered in Disney crap and that is just the tip of the iceberg! And you thought my house was bad!

Setting the record straight...

OK folks, look...I haven't had any probs from my cyber friends because I think that ya'll read my blog and apparently understand me better than my apparent "real" friends and the people I'm around everyday.  But for the others, the ones who have taken my last post in a completely offensive vain...in the simplest terms...screw you!  I'm not going to get upset about something I have no control over and play the martyr, and if you knew me at all, you'd know that!  If one more person comes up to me and tells me I really shouldn't joke about my condition, I'm gonna punch them!

With everything I've been through in my life, one more log on the so-called funeral pyre isn't gonna cause me to scream louder! Christ-all-mighty!  Get a grip people!  I'm not a whiner or a wailer and I'm not about to start now!  So I have a mass in my head...I can't fix it, and crying 24/7 won't make it better, so why not make myself feel better by telling a joke or two?  Where is the harm in laughing about it?  It's my mass to laugh at, not yours!  It's my life being affected, not yours!  It's my cross to bear and if I choose to decorate it with sequins and glitter and Mickey Mouse heads, then by God, then so I shall!

Trust me, I am taking this situation very seriously...but I can't control it, so why make myself even sicker worrying about it?  And to those (you know who you are) who are planning my funeral as we speak...THIS IS ABOUT ME, NOT YOU!!!  For once, the world doesn't revolve around you!

Soapbox dismount...but my temper is still flared and if I get a headache because I'm pissed about this...well, that IS on your head!!

Here's what I know...

absolutely nothing...say it again...WAR!  Sorry...couldn't help myself!  Spoke with the doctor's nurse this morning and as of now, we are in watch the mass grow mode.  I feel like my head should be a clear glass dome so everyone can get a look!  If it grows quickly, then we'll discuss Delta team extraction methods, but otherwise, watch the enemy and report to headquarters any activity...do not engage, repeat, do not engage!

I go back to the neuro in March and we'll see what he says then (plus, I'm taking Delta team leader Am in to light a fire under the general's arse so that extraction can occur sooner rather than later...there might have to be a black op mission in my future!).

The mass more than likely has been there most of my life and has just now decided that it is time to grow up and be a big-boy meningioma, so I though it should have a big-boy meningioma name, Ferg-id Quinn, after the three doctors at work that have caused me the most stress - they most likely are the ones injecting Ferg-id with his steroid shots...Ferg and id daily! 

Besides, Ferg-id has opened up a whole new line of jokes!  I've spent most of the day rambling on about the battle between Ferg-id and Clan Blair (that's me since I'm Scottish)...the big bad meningioma attacking the little (ok, big) Highland girl inside her protective fortress (that being my head)!   Ferg-id may be winning this battle, but he won't win the war!  You don't mess with a Scottish lass!

On the med front, wow, are the new ones scary!  People have gone to rehab for less than what I'm carrying in my purse!  I'm scared to take them!  I don't see the point in medicating me to the point of near death, while I still sit around waiting for the next headache (which is just around the corner), constantly have a completely numb face and mouth, periodically loose vision in my left eye, and now I'm starting to loose feeling in my limbs during headaches, when all could be fixed with just some quick sword-play by a surgeon!  I absolutely REFUSE to get the point where I'm having seizures before they do anything!  There are few things in life I'm scared of medical wise, seizures are one of them!  I spend most of my time alone which is bad for seizure sufferers and, although I'm not scared of dying, I don't want to be found like that (of course I would be worried about how I would look to the cute paramedics carrying me off to the morgue, after that point I'm not too worried, since I'm in the pathology business, it's all family from there...but then again, the real Ferg and Id will get their peek-a-boo's in...hmm, nope, not too thrilled about that either).

On a good note though (there is one?), T is taking me out this weekend for dinner and shopping (to buy a certain Brit an American care package that I've been promising!), so maybe Ferg-id will not puff up this weekend and ruin things like he has been lately!

DOWN WITH THE FERG-ID!  LONG LIVE CLAN BLAIR!

Well...don't panic...but...

I haven't received actual word from my doctor yet, but I know the results of my MRI and its good news, and bad news.  Do you want the bad or the good first?  Good?  OK..."it's not a tumor" (she says in her best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression).   Bad?  There is a mass there.  Best they can tell, it's a benign left frontal lobe dural meningioma (but that comes from a third source "in the know" aka, my sis, - our medical community is quite small and we're all connected "in the great circle of life", aka, I gotta a lot of family in the biz as well as myself). 

I wish I could tell you more, but until I talk to my neuro, I really won't know more.  It's more than likely the cause of my headaches, and I'd rather them take it out.  I'm sick of this!  I did a little net search (never a good idea with medical things BTW), and 10% of them can be cancerous (yea me), but I'm not gonna think like that!  But I have already warned Am that if it is cancerous, she is NOT allowed to sell my Duck stuff!  She is burdened to keep it FOREVER!!

My Mother doesn't know yet and we're not sure how to tell her, so don't ya'll do it (T - this means YOU!).

More info to follow when I know more!

Oh my stupid head!

Just when I think it can't get any worse, it does!  Luckily, I ended up with a doosy of a headache when I went to the neuro this morning and he dosed up pretty good!  But, on the bad side, I got a complete change of meds all across the board almost, which drives me insane!  Surely, if I keep on with these massive cocktails of drugs, my liver is gonna shut down!  The new cocktail is less drugs, but about 10x stronger!  People have gone to rehab for less than what I'm on!  I'm not a druggie, so I hate it!  But what else can I do?  I have a high tolerance for pain, but there is a limit, even for me!

On another bad side, I'm scheduled for an MRI in the morning (7:30 am to be precise...me...7:30 am...awake...HA!).  I am terrified and not for the reason you think!  I'm scared to death to go by myself to a new place!  Damn social disorder!  I don't care that I'm being put in a machine that's basically a giant coffin with a huge magnet in it (actually, I kind of like that part...I like enclosed places and the magnet might reset my internal alignment), or that they are gonna inject me with dyes that are gonna travel into my brain...oh no...I'm terrified of talking to strangers and going to a new place, a place that I pass everyday going to and from work!  Am I terrified I might have a brain tumor which is what is causing my headaches...nope (ok, maybe a little)...I'm scared to death of possibly taking my clothes off and putting on a gown (or worse, doing it in front of a man tech)!  And the worst thing of all?  What if I don't fit in the machine?!?!  I've heard that some "pooh-sized" people don't fit!!

Disney Restaurant Review - Le Cellier

You can't talk about Disney World and NOT mention the food! That's just crazy! What a better way to start with this series of reviews than with my personal favorite, Le Cellier Steakhouse, which just happens to be, in all places, in the Canadian Pavilion in Epcot. OK, I already know what you're thinking, "how can Canadian food be the best food Disney World has to offer?". Honestly, it's probably not the actual "best" food...Le Cellier is about more than just the food (although I'd be hard-pressed to come up with many better places on property), but it also has great theming, and in Disney, theming (as you'll come to realize with me is very important in every aspect) is just as important as actual food taste. Like it's name, it's set in an actual cellar atmosphere. The seating is divided into the regions of Canada and each region's server is actually from that area of Canada (as with all of World Showcase in Epcot, the CM's - remember? Cast Members?) are from the actual countries they are working in, so Canadians are in Canada, Britain are in the UK, Chinese are in China, etc. Most the food is likewise shipped in from that particular country (and the rest is grown right on Disney property - which is why your tomato might look like a Mickey head!).

The Canadian pavilion has some of the nicest CM's in all of Disney World, hands down. I don't know if that's just because Canadians are generally nice people (shout out to my Canadian friends!) or what, the UK Pavilion is second (only because I encountered a particularly nasty CM in the tea shop one year I still haven't forgotten you chick), while the Mexican and the Moroccan are the worst (nothing against those nationalities, I don't know why they are always the worst!), which is a real shame because the Moroccan pavilion is my favorite! It's stunning! Which is why I can overlook the rude CM's! Kill with kindness...

Here's some pics (yes, we take pictures of our food...those on the DisBoards won't be shocked by this, but we didn't start until '05, so the pics start there):

The best thing about Le Cellier, is three things: pretzel bread, cheddar cheese soup, and ice wine. Now, if you go during the Food & Wine Festival, you can get these things without actually making a reservation at Le Cellier! At the Canadian booth, they always have all three of these items (although they do shift from the Inniskillin to the Vidal Ice Vine year to year and I prefer the Inniskillin). But without further ado:

Now, when it comes to the main course, I always get the same thing...year after year...without fail...Canadian Prime New York Strip. Am gets different things upon occasion, but I'm a creature of habit and comfort and the New York Strip is what I like, so it's what I get (medium rare with a faint sound of "moooo")! You can litterally cut it with a fork it's so tender! But here it is through the years:

no '99 or "04 pic, but here's '05:

'06

'07

I couldn't get a ressie for '08, so didn't eat there that year, but here's '09:

and lastly '10 (you thought I was kidding when I said I got the same thing every year, didn't you? I do the same thing at every restaurant we eat at...wait until I do the Pecos Bill review! I have on average 2-4 Taco Salads per trip!!):

did get risotto that year instead of Yukon golds...that was different and got au gratin potatoes in '09...I'm a wild one who does live on the edge occasionally!!

It's the hardest restaurant to get ressies for, I'm online 3 am on the dot at the 120 day point and, even then, like in '08, I still couldn't get in. Now that they've gone signature though (takes two dining credits instead of one - a whole 'nother discussion for another time), maybe it will be easier.

So that's it! My favorite Disney restaurant and my first Disney dining review! My head can't take anymore now, and as much as I hate to admit it, looking at these food pics is making me sick instead of making me hungry and I don't ever want that to happen where Disney food is concerned! Migraine is still lingering and may be trying to make a comeback.

So, from Am and her last Disney German Steiff bear (his name escapes me, but he enjoyed his meal too!) in Le Cellier in '10 (you thought I was going to put up a picture of me, didn't you? Silly people!)...till next time!

General updates and 2012 Box!!

Well, not so good of a weekend here in Keebs World! I had a really bad day at work on Thursday resulting in my first panic attack in years resulting in a 3/2 (3 naproxen&imitrex/2 stadols) migraine yesterday. I still don't have feeling in my face, the inside of my mouth, most of my head and the backs of my upper arms, but I'm awake now. I've drank, but still no food...can't risk it. I've got my monitor turned down pretty much as low as it will go, but I've got so many blogs in me right now, I'm going nuts and I'm sick of laying in the bed! I know I can't stitch and there's no way I could stand the television, so you guys get to put up with me!

But, there is good news (hopefully) workwise on the horizon, I'm just not ready to announce it yet, just in case I jinx it (probably just did).

The really only exciting news I have this weekend is I STARTED MY 2012 DISNEY BOX!! I know, I know, "what the hell is a Disney box, Keebs?", or better yet, "only Keebs would have a Disney box". Yes, you are probably right on #2 there. A Disney box is a collection of trip memories for that particular years trip. I always start it off with a copy of that year's Birnbaum's Guide (a collectors item only - if you've never been to Disney World - don't buy Birnbaum's to use for information, it sucks in that capacity, buy The Unofficial Guide To Walt Disney World (which BTW, Len Testa, the co-author of, has a great podcast called WDW Today that any Disney Fan should not miss!) or The Complete Walt Disney World, they are the best). By the time the trip is over, it's filled with everything, from all travel documents (including my notes), to all mailings, to airlines documents and luggage tags, to napkins from the flight(yes, you read that correctly - OCD, remember), to check in documents, to park tickets (which is also your room key and also has charging capability), to maps, to room toiletries, to coasters, to pens, to paper, to wristbands, to rain ponchos, to all shopping receipts, to one of each size of bag from the stores and different bags from different stores, to various napkins (again, yes, you read that correctly), to our pictures raw and the final DVD output, to our little book I make, blaa, blaa, blaa, you get the point, and if you don't, here's some pics:

This is the '09 box (because '10 still isn't finished since I have't made the DVD of our pics yet - yes Am, I'm working on it):

There's more in there than meets the eye. Why is there is a coupon holder, you ask? That is where I keep my receipts. I sort them by day (no, that's actually not because of OCD, believe it or not). Disney has this great perk that if you're a resort guest, whatever you buy on property, you have shipped back to your resort gift shop free of charge so you don't have to carry around your bags all day. Considering the amount of crap we buy, trust me, that's a good thing (although the CM's working in the gift shop would definitely disagree and are usually running for cover when they see us coming!). All you have to do is take your receipt to the gift shop and *poof*, they bring your purchases to you (then they have to provide us with a cart or several strong men to help us carry them all back to our room - but that's a different story).

The decorations & socks are from my bestie #2 Madison who sent us decorations for our resort (we stayed in Port Orleans French Quarter that year). I just couldn't bring myself to wear them or put them up because I'm a collector by nature! I wanted to preserve them (but we did eat the candy she sent!).

Here's what's in the pack, all the maps and tickets and pens and coasters (yes, that's a Guinness stain on the Raglan Raod coaster - see memories!) and such:


And here are all my boxes lined up in the "Duck Room" with 2012 on top:


I don't have a box for '81 because I don't come from hoarders or OCD people like myself so my parents kept nothing (barely any pictures - I take thousands each year (which is why it takes so long to sort through and edit them), they took maybe 30). I have bought a couple of things off of eBay throughout the years, but nothing significant, you can't recreate memories IMO, and I'm not a big fan of purchasing someone else's memories as well as the fact that used stuff carries "energy" (I can't stand to be near antiques - another story for another blog). I do use eBay a lot, but mainly for new stuff (although I have bought toys to replace ones I had as a child that were taken away - my Step-Dad decided when I was 10 that I was an adult and too old for toys, again, another blog for another time).

My '99 box is pretty sparse because I was too chicken to go up and get things like maps and such, but it looks full because it has actual pictures in it (the last year I used a film camera), and it was pre-internet era (at least in Arkansas for the general population), so I didn't have the research tools available that I do now and I didn't know that it was Food & Wine Festival and all kinds of other things, so we missed out on a lot of stuff that was happening at Disney that year.

And technically, the "Box" didn't start until the fiasco of the '04 trip, but it wasn't hard to create the '99 box because I had it all stored in a bag, so I guess the first "Box" was a "Bag"!

Oh well, enough on that subject! I wish I could say the Disney World blogs are eventually gonna slow, but that's a promise I can't make! Asperger's and OCD make a powerful combination!!

Light at the end of my gray tunnel or not?

Another rough work week, another week-long headache, and another new med to try, but I did manage to close the gap and almost finish page 8 and the corner of page 9!!

The scariest prospect of the week is the new med...because it's not technically a new med, it's an old one that I have taken in the past for my OCD. My neurologist is convinced that I need an anti-anxiety to stop the migraine cycles and I have fought him forever on it (because of my history with this particular drug actually), but considering how everything has been going at work, I've conceded. But, with my Asperger's, OCD, and SAD, I have a different reaction to SNRI's than the average person does. Depending on the med, it can make me angry, aggressive, sleep constantly, be more withdrawn than I already am, or the worst side-effect of all...zombification. I've managed my conditions on my own for years just fine. SNRI's are for people who have to participate in the world and need the assistance...my world participation is limited and I can handle my world on my own. Anti-depressants won't do any good because I'm not depressed. But when it comes to these blasted headaches, I'm ready to try anything.

And tried most everything I have. There are different levels of SNRI's depending on your natural disposition. I need a specific kind because I'm naturally an insomniac, but do tend to sleep alot when I actually do get to sleep...I can either sleep for days or go for days without sleeping. Pristiq was working OK, I had a bit of zombification, but it was only external, it was still me on the inside, having temper tantrums, getting upset at stupid things, smarting off, but only in my head - it doesn't come out to the world, almost like I actually had a mouth filter like a normal person...almost the perfect drug! Except for the fact that insurance won't pay for it, so I can't continue them! Pristiq is repackaged Effexor without the nasty side-effects which made it perfect, but there is nowhere to go from Pristiq but Effexor.

Effexor is the evil drug I keep mentioning...I took it for a year and it took another year to ween myself off it. I was a pure zombie...inside and out, dead to the world. It took a lot of effort for me to take that first step to get off it (much to the chagrin of my shrink). Once I was free, I swore I would never take meds for my conditions again unless it was necessary. Granted, at the time, Asperger's wasn't on the table...I was only diagnosed with OCD and SAD. The thing about Asperger's is you live in your head, it's where your whole life really is. So what do you do when you are taking meds that wipe your head clean? At the time it wasn't the shrink's fault, he was treating me mainly for OCD, I'm more obsessive than compulsive, so the obsessiveness was what he was trying to subdue and in that task, he succeeded completely.

Since I didn't develop migraines until late in life, my neurologist thinks that mine should only last about 10 years or so (probably till menopause), but he also thinks that they will be incredibly intense because I have a lot of time to make up for. I always thought I was lucky because I didn't have migraines like the rest of my family. I watched them suffer my entire life and was secretly glad I was the only person in the family who didn't inherit them, so now I guess I'm paying for those thoughts. They would maybe have one every month or so, I have headaches that last days and even weeks at a time and my lips pretty much stay numb constantly.

I just hope that the meds don't affect my stitching! I can stitch through a headache (sometimes), but can I zombie-stitch? Hopefully, if the mood of my posts change to "uugghhs" and "aaahhhs" and "brains", then you guys will know I'm a full-blown zombie and can warn me before I get in too deep (or at least I hope you will)!

Vacation's over but great stitch progress (considering)

Beh, I spent well over half my vacation, one I haven't been able to take in over 4 years, writhing in pain from my stupid constricting blood vessels in my brain! The only answer modern medical science can provide is medicine that a) makes me sick; b) makes me sleep; c) just barely works; d) is probably having lasting long term effects on my liver. I had another one yesterday at just the prospect of returning to my crappy real world. I think today I have accepted the inevitable and the pain has subsided once again.

But, having said all that, I'd give just about anything to be financially independent enough to be able to spend every single day of my life closed up in my house with my beloved Zachary doing nothing but stitching and watching whatever show I happen to be watching on DVD. Despite the pain, this was, quite possibly, the best week I've had all year long! No one called (except my darling T, and I didn't hear the phone, so I didn't get to talk to him), I never went outside, by midweek I was physically well enough to be able to start the Spooks marathon in anticipation of series 10, which I finally have possession of (I'm up to the beginning of 7 now). Plus, my mailbox probably over-runeth and I don't know if my car will even start, poor thing!

The worst thing in the world for an Asper-girl like me is to do what I did this week, keeping myself cooped up like this. I'm aware of the damage I may have caused to myself. There is no telling what the lasting effects will be and how withdrawn I'm going to become. All I can say is I'll try hard not to turn mean, sometimes I do that as a withdrawal tactic. Pushing people away is easier than keeping away myself and I'm well trained in the art of button pushing. They don't often let you walk away easily when they "care" about you...they think they're helping, but in my case, it just makes me withdrawal further. It's like I need time to reacclimate to the real world and until I step back into it all, I don't know how I'm gonna react. But people don't understand that because they aren't like me and they start pushing or over-compensating their nicety, basically, invading my "dance space" (to quote a line from Dirty Dancing). At least it's only a four-day week! I could definitely be an interesting one! I'm hoping I have my co-workers trained enough to my "eccentricities" to leave me alone until I'm ready.

But all in all, considering everything, I made significant progress stitch-wise if nothing else! I'm back in the gray areas (pardon the pun) and all the blank space between the top gray area and the bottom gray area is all one color, probably about 75,000 stitches! It might take me weeks to get through it! Oh well, a pleasant distraction from "the real world".

Very little work for a vacation week

I've been in and out of consciousness all week...guess it was to be expected I'd end up with the migraine to end all migraines. I've managed to do a bit of stitching, but at random intervals since Friday night. I wish I could have had all my facilities this week. But I think I'm on the mend now (or at least I hope). I've had two false hopes already this week. Only a few more vacation days left. I so wanted to finish both the page of A Summer Ball and a row of my little Highlander, but now I think that goal is a bit out of reach.

But here is where I'm at on A Summer Ball:


And A Walk Through The Highlands:

It's over - reflections

I'm home. I did a lot of thinking on my way home and I think my new meds have finally kicked in. The only anxiety I felt was through the whole internet fiasco. My temper was relatively in check otherwise. I was rude, but that's nothing new, I can't really control my mouth, what I'm thinking falls out before I can stop it (which is why I prefer to communicate through text or email or blogging, I can edit before I send). And every single thing my Mother does annoys the snot out of me, so I guess I was lucky I didn't do something worse (and trust me, much to my shame, I have).

I did have some issues with noise pollution and my head is paying the price now. My Step-dad is pretty much deaf due to a war injury, so TV volume is set a lot higher than I'm used to, both the living room TV and the TV in his bedroom were both running different channels at the same time (even though most of the time no one was in his bedroom - who pays their electric bill - Santa or Bill Gates?). I really had to focus on the TV we were watching to not be completely distracted by the TV in the other end of the house! Plus, his hearing aid was whistling pretty much all day (not that he could help it or hear it -I'm not blaming, just observing). Every one else is used to these sounds and could tune them out...for me it was like attending a rock concert, my ears are literally ringing (I keep thinking I'm still hearing his hearing aid). But surprisingly, I didn't have the anxiety I would normally have at having such noise pollution - normally too much activity like that would have my brain reeling. It did bother me and I commented on it several times, but only got "we're used to it" or "we don't notice it" or the worst "just ignore it", which just makes me pay more attention to it. I walked away with only head pain and, in all honesty, I walked in with head pain, so it just kept the headache active. It just amazes the crap out of me that no one notices the noise!  But then again, maybe they are all deaf from the loud TV watching!

But all in all, it wasn't the worst Christmas I ever had! I actually got a lot of cool stuff and didn't embarrass myself (much). Zachary behaved and didn't pee on everything. Made for boring blogging, but better boring blogs then be traumatized for the next 6 months! I'm glad I was able to blog because I know it did help me get through, even if it was only psychosomatic therapy!!

I want to say a big thanks again to Vickie over at Reading And Stitching for turning me on to blogging in the first place. It really has been amazing what it has done for me both in furthering my very miniscule communication skills as well as getting my thoughts out of my head. Even though they aren't coming out of my mouth face to face to another person, for the first time in my entire existence, I feel like I'm being heard because I'm able to speak even if it's in the written form. Asperger's is hard to deal with sometimes, but not impossible to do on your own without medical intervention (if only migraines were the same).  I'm constantly finding new ways to better myself and deal with my issues in the way that is best for me and blogging is just one more step on that never-ending road!

Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!

It's started already!

Headache is still on the periphery and could bust through at any moment, but I'm gonna attempt this madness called Christmas! But things have already gotten off to a terrible start! Got a call at 9:46 this morning from my Mother telling me I needed to be at their house at 1:00 pm. Those that follow my blog know that since I work nights, I'm a night person, and therefore, stay up nights. Last nights bedtime? 5 am this morning!! So, yep, she woke me from a dead sleep (knowing my sleep patterns) to tell me I didn't need to be there until the afternoon (which was a given anyway...I don't usually surface before noon for no man or woman).

I'm up now because the call pissed me off so much, I couldn't go back to sleep. So now I've got an interrupted sleep pattern with less than 4 hrs sleep (just because I went to bed at 5 am doesn't mean I went to sleep at 5 am), a migraine just waiting to bust through, and now plenty of time to fret and worry about the day ahead. Oh, and I think I might have a low tire on my car.

IT'S GONNA BE A FUN DAY!! IS EVERYBODY READY?