TTT-The Child-like Struggle of Being Me

As promised, another Trauma Therapy Tidbit (yeah you!). So here is something that has been building, but came to a head this past week...since I have the emotional capacity of a 12-year old (so sayeth the Psychiatry books) because I'm on the Autistic scale, is it OK for other adults (aka my bosses) to treat me like a child on a constant basis and not professionally (as they do everyone else)? And it's blatant, I'm talking full-on scolding, like you would a petulant child. I WAS a horribly petulant child, so I recognize the behavior (but I was also undiagnosed with numerous mental disabilities and a LOT of external factors that made things worse, so I think I should get a pass or two).

It's a behavior I've always noticed, and bitched about it quite frequently (often being told I'm imagining it), but this time, someone else saw it too. An event happened where, I did as instructed (instructed being the keyword here, I was helping out another employee so she could go home early) and had stuff couriered over to one of our doctors, but the doc did not do as expected and showed up early and started berating me as he would one of his children for his stuff not being here. I visibly flinched as if I was expecting a slap (it was almost a childhood regression moment, and I was expecting the slap that would usually follow a verbal beratement). He immediately got this strange expression on his face, his tone changed to something softer (but still angry), he said his peace and walked off. For the first time ever though, someone else noticed it too and immediately came to ask me about it. I was sitting in my office shaking violently. As "normal" people often do, she reached out to me to, I guess, comfort me, and I immediately recoiled and scared her off. Great, yet another person thinks I'm a weirdo (honestly, she already knew, but I could hear her when she went off and started talking to others afterwards...it's always the gossip that gets me in the end). These are behaviors I USED to be able to hide before 2017 to AVOID gossip. I could have laughed it off to her, she would have went away, and I could have had my freak out moment when she was gone. Not anymore.

I dwelt on it all weekend. This particular doctor is the worst about it and has done this many times (sometimes much worse), but for some reason, this particular event struck me differently. Maybe it's my current mindset. Needless to say, I had another panic attack-filled Monday morning because I did NOT want to come to work (although I did...have to keep a roof over my head, so I had not choice). It's not just a doctor thing, there are others in "power" who do it, some more than others, one in particular who has gotten worse about it, especially recently. I've been avoiding her like the plaque because it's easier (although it makes my job harder). Then there was the imaginary paranoia that everyone was making fun of me for being belittled like a child (yes, I'm aware it's imaginary, but it doesn't diminish the fear of said paranoia).

As a side note (and this is important because it plays into the story), on Sunday, I watched that "newish" Hardy Boys show on Hulu. I've told the story MANY times of how when I was 10 my parents took away all my toys because I was an "adult". I had a LOT of Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books (before Simon LeBon, Shaun Cassidy was my first love). They didn't give those books to my Sister (she was only 3 at the time, but she also wasn't a reader until she hit her teens, I was reading Stoker and Shelley while other kids were reading Judy Blume, so I started REALLY early). Knowing my mother, she probably just threw them away.

Anyhoo, watching that show made me want those books again. They are expensive, but you can buy them in box sets of 10, so I figured I'd start with the Hardy Boys and just get a set a payday until I have them all. I don't know where I'll put them (there are a LOT of both sets), but I'll figure that out later. I want them. I looked into older sets on eBay, but I decided I didn't want a set just like I had...I didn't want reminders of the older times, I wanted new memories (which I know is a bit contradictory, considering I am literally replacing my childhood books, but I'm sure you guys get the gist, right?).

Fast-forward to this week's therapy session. Again, she started in the toxicity of my work environment, but, and here's where I got a bit confused and need your help, she made the statement that "if you don't want to be treated like a child, then why do you insist on living like one?". I did tell her the 10-year old story, she's aware of my condition, I don't behave like a 12-year old at work (most of the time), I don't understand her question. Yes, I buy a LOT of toys (most people would consider them collectibles and an investment, potato, potato?...pronounce accordingly, probably not the best analogy for the written word, but you get it) and yes I find comfort in a lot of things that children do. I'm just emotionally stuck at the 12-year old level, not mentally, I am capable of advanced mental processing, even if it doesn't always come out my mouth properly. I have been a functioning working adult for over 34 years. Then again, because I don't understand her statement, maybe I'm not as mentally capable as I think?

I don't think I'm capable of standing up and saying "you can't speak to me like that", because I obviously tend to react uncontrollably just as I did as a child. I'm expecting the slap or the paddle to come out (and I'm not saying that's wrong or right for however you discipline your child, it was how I was disciplined and it's all I remember). I think that's why things feel so hopeless right now. I can't change my current situation because I'm not built for it, but I also don't have the capacity to change it because I'm not able to interact enough socially to go out and get another job. I'm stuck. And, of course, when I ask the therapist "what do I do?", she just asks the question back at me, "what do YOU do?". This is why I keep saying therapy is wearing me out!

So, what do you guys think? Obviously, I'm blaming myself for creating this situation (I've made myself too dependable, or maybe I come across too childlike, or maybe it's because I've been here since birth, even though the doctor mentioned above is literally one year older than me, but still). Should I blame myself? Does this happen in your work environment? I know some of you have children or grandchildren or nieces and nephews with Autism, but do you know any Autistic adults who have these types of issues at work? Let me know your thoughts. Hell, just tell me I'm not crazy and it's not OK to treat an adult like a child and scold them, I'll even take that!

Been a while...life been too sucky to report

I've been trying hard not to post anything that was too "Debbie Downer", hence my lack of posting. I haven't been stitching other than a brief 20 minute stint back in January (which I'll show later). The mood just hasn't been there. Frankly, the mood just hasn't been there to do anything. I don't want to do a TTT post, so we'll just leave that there.

I can show you picks of our "wonderful" weather than has plagued us all week. Somehow, work has (again) been the toxic element in my life, especially when I made my way to work Monday through this lens (technically, this picture was taken on the drive home, but you still get the idea):

Only to arrive at a job where all the lights in my department were completely off because no one was there! No one bothered to let me know that the lab staff had worked the day before (not that they affect me much, but it would have been nice to know I could have stayed home). There were a couple of people in the billing office, but they live a couple of blocks away. I live on the other side of town. I stayed for several hours, but as the weather got worse, I got more scared and went home about mid afternoon (to the above scene). By the time I got home, I had to sit in the vehicle for about 30 minutes, my knees were just jelly. When I was younger, I could drive on anything, but I ain't young no more. We don't get snow (ever), we usually get ice, and NEVER get both. This was the scene once I got in the house, gathered myself, and got the "real" camera out, taking pics of my view (and my "preventive car measures, which did a pretty good job making live easier the next morning and, for the record, I couldn't back in because I could barely get in my drive at all without getting stuck):

I tried to let the pups play in it, but they only wanted to jump on me and get back inside! Wusses!!

On Tuesday, after therapy, my therapist and I agreed that my migraine (probably induced by the stress of Monday), was causation enough for not going into work on Tuesday. It was not met with resistance from the "powers that be" when I informed them of my sick day, but I was still more than slightly aggravated that there was no news from work about what we were supposed to be doing, who was supposed to be coming in, and what was expected. We got nada. So I just stayed home and tried to sleep it off (which I did manage to do, so it had to be stress and not weather related). I did still get two work-related calls, one of which caused me to throw up violently when it was finished. Thanks for that!

By Wednesday, again, still NOTHING about work instructions, so I treaded in again, once again to an almost empty building, although there were one or two more people than on Monday. As a side note, since we don't get weather like this, I don't have the appropriate clothing, so this was also my morning view every single morning:

I did order an expensive pair of snow boots, guaranteeing it won't snow again, so yeah me, my wallet took one for the team! This day, I tried a different road in, and saw one of the few cars on the road do a 360 into someone's yard! It was about a 40-minute wait until they could pull her out with a bulldozer and a truck.

Also, for the record, I don't have a 4-wheel drive, I have a front wheel drive. That was the only car I saw on the road until today, and I bet I was the only two-wheel drive on the road. I was surrounded by 4x4 trucks and Jeeps everywhere! They didn't appreciate my 10-15 mph speeds, but oh well! Again, on Wednesday, I left midafternoon, to this (and keep in mind, they had been scraping and sanding these roads non-stop since Monday...it just kept snowing ruining all the progress). That may look like a clear path, but it's a solid sheet of ice:

By Thursday, again, still no contact about work instructions from the higher-ups, still barely a skeleton crew working, but I brave the now 12" snow bank in my yard (you can't tell it, but there are three steps going up to my porch, the bottom step is under the snow):

Everyday, the roads seem to get worse, like all the sanding and scraping was actually more of a problem (plus, they seem to be doing all the wrong roads). I saw several people walking, here's an example (and keep in mind, temperatures here were in the negative degrees at night and barely reaching the teens in the day):

Again, still no cars, just me and the lovely Southern 4x4's trying to run me over at every chance (obviously I wasn't taking pictures when they were around me...I was trying to be cautious). But thankfully, by the time I went home Thursday afternoon (later this time), the roads were a bit clearer (except in the tree-covered areas, aka half my way home). I did take more pictures Thursday night, one of a Mercedes Sedan stuck on a road and four 4x4's trying to help, but he just kept spinning his tires so much it was throwing snow and dirt in the faces of all those trying to help and I just don't think it's right to post those. For the record though, when I left for work Friday morning, that Mercedes was still stuck, half in its street, half in its drive, and I guess the owner was digging it out with a shovel (or he was digging out something around it). I didn't bring my camera today. I'm at the point where I've had enough.

I will say, I am thankful that we don't have it as bad as Texas with the power outages (although there have been threats about forced blackouts if we don't turn down our thermostats...I'm not gonna publicly comment on my response to that). I've done everything to keep my pipes from freezing and so far, so good, but never underestimate the weather. By Sunday, it's supposed to be in the 40-50's and we're supposed to start getting thunderstorms, go figure! All my thoughts and well wishes are with my friends in Texas! Stay safe and someone rescue Snowflake (those in "the know" know what I mean).

For the record though, I'm extremely disappointed in my work. I work for a lab that services clinics that all closed because of the weather. I work I.T. for people who couldn't come to work because of where they live. Even the bosses couldn't come, but because the doctors had to work at the hospitals, we were expected to show up. How people "got away" with not showing up and why I was expected to be here, is the reason why the toxicity of my job is getting to be too much. I had my letter of resignation typed up Tuesday, I got talked out of it because I don't have another job to go to. I need to find another job before I can leave and I can barely leave my house to get to the job I have. I think I'm screwed, hence the lack of posting, but again, staying on course, just wanted to show you the weather!

On the stitch front, again just sadness. I decided I must have been getting bored with Snow White, so I switched to Everest and worked approximately 20 minutes. It was just sad! I left off in January of 2020 here:

And this 20 minute bonanza took place on January 23rd of this year, so brace yourself for ALL this glorious work (HA!):

I will try not to stay so elusive, but this trauma therapy is REALLY rough, it's wearing me out, it making me realize that my life is far worse that I thought it was and I have to change it, but when it comes to work, I don't know where to start. I did, however, reach back out to Uni to the disability leader, and she, not only remembered me, but has been waiting to hear from me about re-entry (or so she stated)! So, if I can arrange to go back to school (and probably not at this job considering the flack I got last time), maybe I can finally settle in and graduate! Although I will need to change majors and back off the "heavy" stuff.

Everyone stay safe if you're in the thick of it now, or if it's coming your way, and hey, share your pics with me! I really need to get a vlogging camera so I can start my YouTube channel, but cameras are EXPENSIVE! My camera won't do it, so I'm gonna have to buckle down and spend more money. Yeah me, but hopefully it will be worth it.