Trauma therapy SUCKS!

Seriously, the WORST therapy I have ever done and, unfortunately, now I'm so screwed up, I have to keep doing it now! UGH! Next time I even mention the idea of therapy, one of you guys drive to my house and just shoot me!! Thankfully, my insurance is going to cover more of it than I thought, so I might get more sessions than I thought I would. Now I have to decide whether to continue on with the Asper girl, or let that one go. She has made a massive mess after all.

My brain is just so fried from that trauma session. This girl at least read my previous notes and was prepared, but the only thing I really got out of it was, "well, you have been so high functioning your entire life when you are NOT a high-functioning Asper, and technically, you need to get used to calling yourself Autistic, since that is what you technically are, so if you're unable to keep up the facade of normalcy anymore, then that's OK because you shouldn't be able to do 90% of what you are doing...it's amazing in itself!". Uh, thanks?

I'm not sure if she meant that I needed to give up and file for disability, or if she was saying that I can function way above my level and I can get back to that again if we work on it. It wasn't "new" news and others have said it to me before and I've always taken it as a compliment, but never a professional and I kind of took hers as an insult. So, it was validation in a way that a professional recognized it, but disheartening too because she didn't say it in a positive light. I don't know how to describe it. And yes, I KNOW I need to get used to calling myself Autistic, I just can't bring myself to do it. There is just too much stigma with that word for me.

She has an Asper son who is apparently at a lower level than I am and he's also apparently pretty non-functioning even at that lower level. I was just raised in a different time. Today's kids are "allowed" to be what they are. I wasn't. It was beat into my head that I had to appear normal, NO ONE can know I'm "different", so it's in my make-up. That's a whole other debate. Part of me thinks if I can do it, so can they, but the methods that got me here weren't fair or even good parenting, so I could argue that point too. It's an issue for me both ways and I'm resentful on both sides...mad that the kids today get away with everything "because they can't help it" when I can't get away with anything "because I'm so high functioning", and mad with my parents for not taking care of me as a kid and getting me proper help.

To change the subject and speaking of money, $1245.65 later, I now I have a working vehicle again. Good thing I didn't spend that stimulus check! I did seriously debate using the money to just put down on a new one (especially since the sales staff kept harassing the heck out of me because I have less than 50,000 miles on mine and it's a 2013 and, other than needing a new belt, battery and tires, it's in really good shape), but in the end, I just don't want a car payment again.

But now that my vehicle is fixed, I can't use the tire excuse as a reason for not going to the coast now...I have to find another excuse (although Covid is still a VERY valid one for me, if not for our States in this area).

And, on that front, my Sister is back and work now and doing much better, as is my Brother-In-Law. Thanks to everyone for your very kind words and well wishes! We've had more Covid cases at work, but (and dare I say unfortunately), they are the worst denier-types and they've had the mildest of cases. Here's my mean streak coming out...those are the types I wish would get it bad...they NEED to understand. They just come back with "I don't get what the big deal is?", while the death toll grows every day. Idiots. As long as they don't pass it to the "good" people, I guess that's all that matters.

I think I'm just gonna zone out now. My brain hurts and even my heart hurts (and that doesn't happen often). Ugh, ugh, ugh.