I'm tryin...but don't get me to lyin...

Yes, I actually stitched yesterday! And not just for two hours either, almost ALL day! Granted, it was very slow going, but at least it was something. Now, my "brain" says that I'm going to go home early every day this week and continue on, but I know my "body" probably will leave late and sit on the couch and do nothing. I will fight that urge though and see how far she goes before the end of the year.

I did switch out Alice and the B's, because I definitely wasn't feeling them, so I picked up Snow White, my least favorite fabric'ed project in my entire collection, but one of my favorite (and oldest) patterns in rotation. I left off on her here last January (damn!):

And, on Sunday, like I said, didn't get very far, but at least this far with some more hair and outside work:

If I can continue on, the goal is to get more into her face before the end of the year. I need to do a final tally at my paultry work for the year, and then put on a positive attitude for next year and hope for a much better outcome! I'm still sticking to my "no new pieces until at least ONE is finished", but I'm getting antsy.

Pouring rain and all that...

Last night, when I left work super early (because everyone and everything was pissing me off to the point I couldn't function), my car took a while to start. That's new. After I got home, I waited about four hours, went outside and it started right up, so I just figured maybe my keys were just buried too deep in my numerous coat pockets (because it's 30 degrees here and I HATE the cold!).

But this morning, same thing, only worse. So, despite the fact that I already had one doctor texting me from the hospital (that I can't go to because of my personal issues that very few are aware of) that he's having issues and he wants me to go over there first (and today is my intern's day off, so I couldn't send him), I decided, instead, to drive my vehicle to the dealership. My rationale (purely self-serving) was that, if I did go to that hospital, I could get stuck in the parking lot and it wouldn't start at all, and then I would have to get a tow truck, which I DEFINITELY couldn't afford.

I texted him from the dealership that I couldn't come to the hospital because my car was giving me issues and I was there...fortunately, his "desperate" problem had "miraculously" fixed itself by that point. Ironic that.

Unfortunately, my issues were just beginning. I need a new battery and a belt (about $400), it was WAY past time for an oil change (another $50) and yes, their brand new service manager let me know that I could no longer drive on my bald tires (which last time...when I had the money to buy new tires...now I don't really...they told me my tires were fine even though I KNEW they weren't). Despite him offering to install them for free and give me at least one cheaper, although not the other three...another $800 to $1000, depending on the tires in stock. Since this guy was new, I pretty much UNLOADED on him. Telling him my YEARS of grievances with the dealership and all the hardships I've had to deal with.

I think (although I'm not real sure, my temper was busting through my head), he's giving me super discounts because of all my bad issues, but it's still going to be about $1200, pretty. much draining about half my savings. Again, yeah me. Just what I needed on top of all this expensive therapy on the horizon.

But this post is about what little stitching I did last week, since I did promise that. I left off here last time:

And again, not much to report (although this was about 4 hours instead of my usual 2, and at least I wasn't too lazy to pull the needle through, so progress!). Most of it's in Cindy's arms, so it's hard to tell, but it was a lot of coverage:

So now, I'm just waiting to hear back the final verdict on how much my total for my car is going to cost and it better purr like a kitten when I get it back! At least I don't have anywhere else to go this week, just that event alone has shot my public appearances for the rest of the week and makes me want to call in sick tomorrow but, unfortunately, I can't. I have new tires to pay for. Another reason to not go on disability I guess. I wouldn't be able to afford vehicle repairs, I'd just be without transportation and this isn't a public transpo town (we barely have taxi's and, if we have Uber's, I'd be completely surprised...let alone the fact I couldn't afford that either on disability).

Yeah, that's what I get for using the word "normal"...

This week I had "planned" to share my therapy experience and that whole path with you guys, but life kicked me in the tail in ways I didn't see coming. Literally 20 minutes of me getting to work after my therapy appointment, we got a call that a Covid-positive co-worker's wife (he was sick too), literally dropped dead! She was just 55 years old. Their daughter has it too, but she was infected elsewhere, so she hadn't been in the house. His nurse of a sister stepped in to help him do CPR on his wife, so now she has it too.

But here is where I start to get angry...within hours of her passing, there were pictures on Facebook of him hugging various members of his immediate family, including a negative son (which now isn't) and many others (a lot of which are also now positive) because of all of the outpouring of grief. I would be terrified of infecting someone else, a lot more than worrying about getting a hug from someone. Is that just me? I get that I don't feel grief like others do (and I deplore being touched, let alone hugged, at the best of times), but my lack of empathy gene still couldn't handle knowing I willingly infected (and potentially killed) someone else, especially your own child, all for the sake of physical comfort. That's the part of grief I guess I don't understand. I kind of see it as being more selfish...wanting something so superficial (as a hug) that could potentially lead you to another funeral in week or two.

I could rant forever about empathy (or my lack thereof, or maybe "misplacement" is a better word) and what I think is proper, but ultimately, that's someone else's burden not mine. What IS important was what happened at roughly the exact same time...the ABSOLUTE WORST THING EVER...my Sister had to admit, as we were texting each other about the co-worker's wife (it's a VERY small town and she heard the exact same time we did), that she herself was sick! I think she wasn't planning on telling me at all, because she knew how I'd react (total freak out, of course, I cried the rest of the afternoon), but because of those events, she knew the jig was up and it was fessing up time. And yes, she tested positive the next day, although she thought she just had the flu, despite being exposed a few days before.

It took my Brother-In-Law a few more days, and at first he tested negative, but he got sick a couple of days later and then his test came back positive too. Despite her best efforts to protect him, I figure they were infected at the same time, it just took it a bit longer to grab him. I'm trying to trust what she's telling me, that yes, they are sick, but they are dealing fine, but I'm still very scared. I haven't actually spoken to her (or seen her, obviously), so I can't judge that for myself. It's just a daily check-in text because I don't want to annoy her (and I'm already managing that enough with what little I'm doing).

Her path to Covid was quite different to my co-worker's (he's already had five scares because of recklessness, she had been a LOT more careful...this was unavoidable) and since their diagnosis, they have been super-responsible and staying away from everybody (obviously the RIGHT thing to do), but nurses are the WORST about judging their own symptoms and they are usually the ones who you read the horror stories about (although I bet she's watching her husband like a hawk!). I would gladly take this on instead of her and my Bro. I am trying to stay calm because I know getting freaked out isn't helping her, but I'm also sure she probably knows I'm on the borders of losing it. There is literally NOTHING I can do and everytime my phone goes off, I just feel sick and I'm scared to look at it. They should be at the "getting over it" stage, but neither one of them are. Until I see a series of "today I'm much better" texts along with a negative test for both of them, my brain won't shift gears.

So, on to something else because I am freaking myself out again. I tried to stitch last week, but I just couldn't. And then I decided that maybe it was because I was just done with Maleficent and needed to switch to something else, so Sunday I did. I think it helped stitch-wise, but I still only stitched for a couple of hours before I had to stop because my mind was racing too much. I switched to Alice and the B's, which I left off back in March here:

And, in that two hours, made it here:

Considering the short time limit, I did stitch a lot, you just can't tell because it's so spread out. It really is a HUGE piece!

I have another therapy appointment this Friday, and I honestly couldn't care less, so I guess that's better than the terror I went into the last one with (and the nausea I came out of it with). Maybe, by next week, I can get into my big therapy story and this whole "my family has Covid too" story will be far behind all of us.

I will say though, all my blustering about, "oh, it will take something drastic for the people around here to wake up and take Covid seriously" was literally just that...bluster. Even with a death of a family member and now four employees having had it...not a SINGLE person has either changed their stupid ignornant views or their behaviors, so it's just going to get worse. As someone with OCD who has NEVER been a germaphobe, I'm getting worse and worse by the day as I continue to see medical workers pay less and less attention to their own, or their co-workers and, what I would "assume" (although you know what they say about THAT word) should be the most important, their family's safety. I'm just really angry and scared right now and I guess I want to place blame somewhere, so the idiots of the world it is!

Back to a "normal" track...

Or, as potentially "normal" as I can be...I stitched ONE day this weekend. I FINALLY slept a good full-night's sleep, so I thought I'd forget about everything and get caught up on Lil's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. watch-a-longs and stitch a bit. For those that don't know, Elizabeth Henstridge, who plays Agent Simmons on AOS, is having watch-a-longs on her YouTube Channel, and she has special guests including other cast members (and a lot of the big ones, not just little guys), directors, VFX people, heads of wardrobe, hair and makeup, props, and a lot of other departments. She has them remembering the episode filming, describing their personal paths into the business and what their jobs entail. It's just very informative for, not only the diehard S.H.I.E.L.D. fans, but for anyone interested in the industry in general. I didn't think I cared that much about the behind-the-scenes stuff, but it turns out, after watching her vids, I do tend to be quite engaged more than I thought I would be!

I"m still having issues focusing on stitching, but I left off here last time:

And made it here after about 2.5hrs before I gave up:

Better than nothing, right? Anyway, tomorrow is the BIG web therapy day, which I'm not ready to talk about that whole journey that got me here just yet (it's hard enough doing it in the first place), but I'll try to break it down when I can and tell you guys about how I decided to start this process over again. It may not even work, but supposedly, and maybe because of me, they do have an Asper specialist now who deals with adults, we'll see. I'm haviing enough trouble trying to decide where to even do it!

I could do it from home and just come in a couple of hours late, but then they will be invading my #1 safe space and do I really want that? Or would it be better if I was in my personal space? Right now, my mind is thinking of them as invaders and they would "sully" my pristine personal environment. Plus, I do web conferences ALL the time for work, but never video conferences and there is no place in my house whatsoever that doesn't give away my OCD/hoarding issues, but again, would that be a bad thing for a therapist to see? Then again, if I could wrap my head around the fact that I could be around my comfort things, maybe it won't be so bad going through all this (what I'm considering potential) torture. Worse comes to worse, Bam and Bugs could protect me, right?

Then there is the whole other issue of, if I didn't stay home from the get-go, and actually went to work first, I would immediately have to turn around since traffic is now like a 45 minute turn-around-time (for a 7 mile journey), so do I want to drive all the way to work, spend 15 minutes here, leave, and then come back? That seems stupid, so best to come in later. Besides, as freaked out as I am today, tomorrow I'll be lucky to be able to drive to work AFTER the mess, let alone before AND after! So, me on the roadways might not be the best idea for anyone!

I could do it in my vehicle at work if I go in, but that's my #2 safe space and that's still that "invasion" thinking (but I've already checked and, at home I can't get wi-fi, but I can at work, so it's doable), but do I WANT to do that? I expect I will be loud (I have a LOT of anger against these people) and sitting in a car in a parking lot, in a busy medical area, having a therapy session might not be the best way to do that. And again, I could wind up stuck in the car both before and after the session just from freaking out. Not good.

The only other option is to do it at work in my office (my #3 safe space), but my intern will be here, so I'd have to kick him out for a while. I expect, again, I will be loud, so it's not like others won't hear me anyway and this is a VERY private thing (and this is not a very private place, personal office or not). And, it won't matter how many signs I put on my door or if I put my phone on do not disturb, people WILL interrupt me and this is costing me a fortune, so again, not maybe the wisest choice. If it goes badly, I'm not a fan of breaking down at work, although I have done it numerous times, but I could be trapped here if it goes REALLY badly and not be able to get home at all.

When it comes to this, I'm not sure any locational choice is best, but I have to do something and I have to take that first step somehow. I've had months to deal with this upcoming appointment, but I haven't. For some reason, all weekend I was thinking it was Thursday and not Tuesday, so when they called this morning and I saw their name pop up on my phone, I was shaking so badly I almost dropped the phone entirely. I didn't want to answer it, but part of me was hoping they were calling to cancel my appointment. When she said it was tomorrow and I looked up at the post-it note above my head that confirmed it, I almost dropped the phone again. I should be more prepared for this, but it is what it is, so I guess I'll let you guys know when I come out the other side!

Sporadic, but still stitching

Well, I haven't stitched in a couple of weeks...life isn't being very nice. I left off here last time:

And, I just started back this weekend, and made it here:

Again, not a lot of progress, but I'm trying not to post unless I have something positive to talk about, and lately, positivity hasn't been part of my atmosphere. It's just how it is.

I do have a "weird" story...so I keep getting these REALLY annoying emails from my high school graduating class leaders wanting my social media account information so that all my classmates can get in touch with me because "I'm missed" (their words, not mine). Where this is "weird" is because, when I was in high school, I was NOT popular, I did NOT have barely, if any friends, and it was part of the worst part of my life. I have never looked back. I don't go to reunions and I don't see the point in reconnecting with these people who didn't care about me then and, it's pretty safe to assume, don't care about me now. If they do, it's because of who my Sister is married to, and has NOTHING to do with me. To be honest, I also don't see the point in rehashing old memories. I also didn't care about those people then or now.

I wish I could say that they are spam email, but they are not. I've blocked them from one email account, but I recently got another notification from another email account that I had given to someone that had been a "sort of" friend in high school and we tried to reconnect, but it didn't work. I am assuming here, and you know what they say about people who assume, but they had to have gotten that email addy from her. It's not a public address.

At first I tried to just ignore them, but they got more and more insistent, hence the blockage, but now they are treading on personal territory. Most of you guys know, my ONLY social media account is this one. Yes, I have an Instagram acccount, but I don't post on it, I just use it to see the posts of the famous people I follow (beause I got tired of entering the code to block the pop-up page that keeps you from scrolling through). I will NEVER have a Facebook account again (and yes, I know FB owns Instagram, hence my own lack of posting), but I'm not about to let the people who tortured me for 12+ years have access to my own private world that is my blog.

Any thoughts? Have you guys eperienced this? Do you have an adversion to all things high school or do you embrace it? I can't and won't, but still, I'd like to hear your thoughts!

More Stitching and other stuff

Okay, so I know I said "no negativity", but can I just say that I HATE that Blogger made us switch to their "new" platform? Either I'm forced to use outdated "Compose view" or I'm stuck with semi-writing code "HTML View" just to make a new paragraph! Bad form Google!!

Now, on with the good stuff...I left off with Dollmaker here:

And, I finished the second row, I'm 217.97 hrs in, and here she is!

I spent my B-day watching YouTube. I made myself a roast with all the trimmings and also a Pavlova:

It was my first time making a Pavlova, but I think it turned out OK...it certainly tasted amazing, although it didn't keep very well and I had to throw a lot of it out. Miranda, I'm not. My Sister also got me my Disney watch I REALLY wanted, but wouldn't dare spend that much money on myself! I wish she hadn't, but she did.

Once I got done with Dollmaker, I went back to Maleficent (I was feeling in the mood to finish rows. I left off on her back in April of this year:

And, as of now, I'm here, so not much progress:

Oh, and I forgot to mention it, but a few weeks ago, I got a couple new Once patterns, including this AH-MA-ZING one from WitchyKitt Designs, who are quickly becoming my new favorite designer (oh, and in the process of getting this link, I see she already has another new Once pattern I'm gonna have to get!):

And that's about it! Still nothing else to report on the positive side. But maybe I'll get there soon!

Stitching and promises

Well, I guess you guys might have been wondering why I've been silent for so long...I've made myself a promise that I won't be posting anything negative anymore about how "horrible" my life is so, until I have something positive to say, I won't post. Hence, the silence. I've had nothing positive to say! I still don't, but I did actually stitch this weekend for the first time since July, so I thought I'd share that. I'm still not sure what made me decide to stitch, but I guess It doesn't matter! I left off on the Bride Dollmaker here back on July 26th:

And, since it has been a while, my hands started cramping pretty bad by yesterday afternoon and I didn't get that far, but I did pretty well for such a long time out, and I made it here:

If I keep going this week, I should have the row finished by this weekend! I'll let you guys know if I continue on.

Speaking of, Sunday, the 27th, will be my 50th Birthday. (No exclamation point for a reason there...the excitement I felt in January is long gone now). I had taken off work from this Friday to the following Monday (Oct 5th), because I was planning either a massive road trip, or a Disneyland/Santa Monica trip, but I guess that's out of the question now (no negativity...), so I will be taking off around my birthday and skirting into work at random on the rest of the days. I'm afraid that much time at home would be too dangerous for me right now anyway. And, since that's all the positive news I have, I'll leave it there! I'm not sure if I'll post again before my Birthday, but if I don't, happy B-day to me and I'll make sure to let you guys know whatever cake I bake myself. I ordered some Ruby Cacao chips (my newest obsession), but I'm not sure they will make it in by the weekend, so I may go with Pavlova. We'll see.

HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY! (Yesterday)

I'm getting so behind in life that I can't even keep up with my own Blogoversary! But yesterday was my 9th! Can you believe I've been on Blogger for NINE YEARS? And yet I still have accomplished NOTHING but tons of ranting, a bit of stitching, some self-discovery, but probably more self-destruction (but by no one's hand's but my own), and a lot of trips to various places (but mainly the Gulf Coast and Disney and it's now been FOUR years since I've been on Disney property...even that seems hard to believe).

More than anything though, I've "met" some amazing, wonderful, caring, and yes, I'm going to say it, friends, that I cherish more than I do the people I interact with every single day! You guys understand me, support me, and, best of all, "get" me! I can never thank you enough!

I haven't been a good blog friend myself, especially in the past couple of years since my trip to the funny farm and all my work issues, but I'm going to try harder this year (after this new bout of work responsibilities gets done with). My new intern is working out great (so far), but we have a big job ahead of us and I'm worried for myself both mentally and physically and I'm worried they are going to run him off with all this load. Time will tell.

But once all the "crap" is done, I want to get back to stitching and I want to get back to being a good blog friend myself and supporting you guys like you have for me. I want to get back involved in all the stitching events like I used to. It does seem like a lot of these have moved to Facebook, which I STILL refuse to get involved with, so if that leaves me out of some, then so be it, but I can still support you guys!

Short but sweet, thank you ALL again, and here's to another 9 years, no matter where the road takes us! I'm a word person by nature, so I think I'll always blog in some capacity, even if I move on to other avenues in the future, whatever that may be (unless Blogger just REALLY gets sucky, but even then I might just create my own website, who knows!).

All our love,
Keebs, Bam, and Bugs!

Updates of soul-crushing nothingness

No stitching to report...yeah, I suck. I have bought some charts, two from Witchykitt's (which I kind of begged her for, anything Shield or Once, so I was grateful for what I got):


And two from someone new (at least for me), Thread Geeks:


The ones from Thread Geeks I found by accident when I was just Googling Once patterns (which I do from time to time, trying to find anything I can). I did find a website that had a Once graphgan pattern. I can't crochet at all, but graphgans are fairly similar to cross stitching and I bet I could make it on the plastic stuff and still come out with something. There is a lady at work that does crochet, so maybe I could get her to do the actual crocheted accents. I downloaded the entire pattern (since it was free), but I'm not sure if (or when), I'll ever do anything with it.

I'm on the word count kick again. I decided to make a word list first of Once, sorting it alphabetically to edit out duplicates, then I think I'll graph it, add characters along the horizontal and mark down the line in each character's column who said what. That will be more comprehensive than just "how many times a character says hope" versus, "well Snow says it X amount of times" and blaa blaa blaa. Yeah, OCD is running rampant right now because of work.

Speaking of, I've gotten extremely used to being under lockdown, even still going to work every day, so now that restrictions are lifting (even though I don't think they should be), I'm having a horrible time trying to function. There are aspects of my job that require me to sometimes go to the other hospitals in town for various reasons (not often, but occasionally), but I haven't stepped foot in either for almost half a year now. Both still have temperature checks (which I still can't clear), but apparently, there are back ways in. My moral compass hates the idea of that. I don't break rules. Besides, all the rest withstanding, I am still an extremely high risk candidate for the virus on my asthma alone, putting me in the middle of a hospital laboratory is the stupidest idea anyone has ever had, especially if I'm supposedly so important that no one can do my job BUT me.

Keep in mind as well, I wouldn't have to go to the hospitals if the people that worked there would do their jobs. Their laziness is accepted and I must pay the price for it. "Oh, don't worry, we'll send Keebs over to fix it!". Here's a thought, shouldn't the people that work with it at least know enough about what they're working with to solve the most basic of problems and then if it's serious, hospital I.T. should step in since the machines are theirs and not ours? I guarantee the issue over there will take me 2 minutes tops to fix (and another 13 minutes of stupid explanations of how it happened, which I don't need nor care about). This has been a running thing with me and management since day 1 of my employment...I'm always punished for the laziness of others because I'm the one willing to step up. When I was younger, it made me proud that they trusted me enough to fix/do it right. Now, it's just insulting.

The older I get, the more I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it's not time to hang up my hat and just file for disability. That would mean no "real" house...I wouldn't be able to afford it. But the harder it gets for me to function in society, even in society I used to be comfortable in, the harder it is on me emotionally. I realize it's my fault. I've built up this facade of strength that I don't really have, just to appear "normal", so everyone around me thinks I can do things that I maybe I have done in the past, at great personal struggle that they didn't see (or didn't care), but that now I just can't even muster the strength to fake the "normalcy face" anymore. But because I used to do it, the powers that be can't understand why I still can't do it, so anything I say to the contrary now just seems like an excuse. I can't make them understand. Again, my fault.

I've asked to be demoted to a lower job and have been told no (because again, I've made the mistake of making myself invaluable apparently). I've tried to put my foot down and explain that I'm unable to do these emotionally scaring tasks anymore and have been told either "sorry, it's part of your job", or my personal favorite, "we know you can do it" (I'm REALLY beginning to hate that sentence). I'm even debating going back into therapy, although I know a doctor or a therapist's note wouldn't get me out of part of my job, no matter the severity. I've started having panic attacks in the parking lot in the mornings because I'm too scared to get out of my car, not knowing what is going to be asked of me during the day and I spend most of the day hiding in my office counting down the hours until I can go home, really not progressing too much on important stuff, but dealing with the mundane. I used to be able to handle both. But important stuff requires too much focus and my brain can't process that (which is probably also why I can't stitch right now either).

I'm also debating on returning to school, but my job was never supportive of that. Last time, I spent the entire semester embroiled in WWIII because no one in power here wanted me in school (which was ironic because it was originally a requirement of me taking the I.T. job). I was willing to fight to stay in school this past time though, but now I don't think I have the strength for it. Besides, and I've even talked to my old advisor about it, I'm going to be 50 this year, even once I get a degree in a couple of years, with all my issues, being that age and being female, it will be incredibly hard for me to get any kind of tech job, so why even bother? That leads me again back to the age old question...what am I going to be when I grow up? I've only ever been good at two things...tech and art and the art gene I've lost.

Why did the world have to go to hell at the same time my life did? It's not like there are a multitude of job opportunities out there, especially for someone like me. And even going back to school again requires a certain level of sociability that I struggled immensely with a couple of years ago and now would probably be impossible. Granted, I could just quit my job, take out loans, go to school full time and finish in two years max. If all I did was school, maybe the social aspects of it wouldn't be so difficult. I wouldn't be switching from one mode (being work) to another (being school) and back again. But I'm single. The amount of loans I'd have to take out just to live would be ridiculous and I couldn't pay them off before I was dead, and that's IF I could get a job with my degree. Most people forget that singles have higher taxes, higher insurance rates, higher everything. I've never understood that. A two-income household has twice the money coming in, why should they get discounts? But that's a whole other argument.

If I'm forced to go across town, I will have to be chaperoned, and my emotions have ranged from "I hope I get sick just to show them" to something I'm not going to type out because saying them out loud got me in a lot of trouble a few years ago to "I hope I don't get sick" because of what could happen if infect someone else (or even my pups, which is still a possibility). And going over there is going to be a HUGE emotional blow for probably 15 minutes of stupidity because of someone else being an idiot. It's not worth the health risks, let alone the mental scaring, but I guess no one cares, which is why I guess I'm starting to wake up and realize that maybe I need to start caring. Just the fact that I've literally wasted at least five days worrying myself sick over the potential of having to spend 15 minutes over there is my wake-up call. But again, I'm kind of stuck in the hell I've made because I'm really not in a position to change it.

I get everyone has struggles with their job sometimes, and if it's not a career you love and it's just a job, even if it's one you don't care for, you should just go in, do it, and go home, but how do you deal with one that causes you such emotional turmoil and stress? Is it even worth it? I'm not sure anywhere else would be better considering my issues, hence the disability argument, but am I really to resign myself to a life of extreme poverty (rather than just normal poverty), just to be able to stay at home all the time? I can't deal anymore for today.

As if all that wasn't enough, this week is the series finale of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which I just KNOW is going to end badly (because my luck guarantees it), so let's just add more fuel to my proverbial fire, shall we? Yea me!

Pitiful stitching with no excuses other than laziness!

It's been a couple of weeks since I stitched anything, I left off on The Bride Dollmaker here:

Granted, the first few days of that time were spent worrying about Bam, but he's had his teeth cleaned and, although we're still playing the "I'm not going to eat unless you hand-feed me" (a trap which I'm still falling into), he's doing MUCH better. Ever since then though, I think that, between the miserableness of work (which I should be grateful that I still have a job when so many don't) and the horribleness of the world (when I live in the most protective bubble ever), I just feel like doing absolutely nothing but watching YouTube (excluding Wednesday night's Agent's of S.H.I.E.L.D., where I lament over their lack of Fitz, which puts me in an even bigger funk). I just can't bring myself to stitch at all anymore and I have no excuse. If I didn't have such a stupidly cheerful demeanor most times (could that be med related?), I'd say I was depressed. But I don't feel depressed. I just hate my job, hate my surroundings, hate everything happening in the world and feel helpless to fix it, and just want to go home and shut my brain off. But otherwise, I love my pups, my stuff, love watching various YouTuber's do their thing, and am anxiously awaiting the moment when I can do my ninja warrior road trips again (I want to beat my 34 hours straight record), although there is no telling when travel will be safe again (or when I will feel safe traveling, a completely different animal).

I decided this weekend to change my blaa mood, and I did, sort of. Saturday, I stitched all of an hour, and Sunday, all of 10 minutes! Shameful! But needless to say, I made it to here:

Again, SHAMEFUL! Saturday was all YouTube, Sunday was more of a "trying to do stuff" day, like laundry and cleaning, but never really doing anything day, because I just ended up watching Kissing Booth 2 (which meant I had to watch the first one again...wasn't a fan of the second one, so I had to watch both the To All The Boys again to even it out), then I just watched YouTube till I fell asleep with laundry in both the dryer and washer (yea me for tonight).

Bam Bam has cleaner teeth than I do!

After a weekend of whining and we're still doing the "Mommy, please feed me or I'm not going to eat" mess (which I am going to stop tonight...either eat on your own son, or go hungry, thems the rules from now on), Bam is doing WAY better! It must have been all the good vibes you guys sent our way!

I didn't get any stitching done because we did still play this all weekend:

I did manage to put my new coffee table together (after it sitting in my duckroom for three weeks). I got tired of looking at this mess (please forgive the carpet and the rugs...27 years of cycles of elderly dogs does a number on carpet, not to mention the time that my ex-husband (then husband) thought it would be a good idea to put bleach in the carpet cleaner...don't ask...and I'm not going to replace the carpet until we move out anyway because it will just get ruined again before then):

I had styrofoam ALL over the floor by the time I got done and was vacuuming everywhere, but at least my table is clean now thanks to my new table! It won't go to the new house because that house will have a different color scheme, but it will last until I do. I just couldn't take looking at that mess any longer. It wasn't very expensive anyway (although it was a bit higher than the $29 I paid for the other one that I bought at K-Mart about 15 years ago).

Oh, the joys of actually having books on the coffee table again! And the reason why is because all the junk is hidden inside!

Two-thirds of it lift up like a desk and swing towards me with a hidden compartment underneath and one-third of it slides over with a hidden compartment underneath that section. Tons and tons of storage! Now I just need to get new little bins to put stuff in, although most of the stuff on my old table fit inside, including the basket, so it is pretty deep. Ironically enough though, it is lower to the ground, and the boys keep whacking their heads against it when they try to run under it. I shouldn't laugh, but I do (every single time) because they bugged the crap out of me when I was trying to build it! I'm an expert at building box furniture (which usually recommends two people, a luxury I don't have), but two annoying pups, don't make another human and they definitely don't help the situation, even for me!

Bugs always wants to stand in the middle of everything and Bam is always trying to steal things, like styrofoam (dangerous), plastic bags (even more dangerous) or screws (even worse). I think Bam is just a petty thief and Bugs just likes to be in thick of things. At one point, I tried handing Bugs the screwdriver and asked him if he wanted to put it together, but I think he thought I was going to hit him with it, and he ran off. I did feel bad after that. Sometimes I forget that both these guys were abused before I got them. There was no telling what they were hit with. So I had to stop for a while and play with him, which made Bam jealous, so I had to play with Bam too. It's probably why it took me two bloody hours to put the stupid thing together!

So that was my weekend, babying babies and putting a tiny table together...such progress! What a thrill my life is, and here I am thinking of starting a YouTube Channel, like I'm interesting enough for that!

Bam Bam The Brave

So, my baby boy got his teeth cleaned and all went well! They got a late start (apparently). I dropped him off at 8 a.m. and, when I hadn't heard anything by 2 p.m., I called because I was freaking out, but they hadn't even started on him yet...they were three dogs behind (just like when I go to the doctor!). I made the mistake of watching their video on the teeth cleaning procedure and really lost it then! I work in the medical field and even I couldn't take it, but maybe because it was a dog and not a human. They should at least redo it with a gentler hand doing the tube insertion or something! I was sitting at my desk crying just imagining them doing that to my baby (warning...watch at your own risk...it's a bit graphic).

Needless to say, by 4, he was in recovery, and by 6:30, he was still a bit "hungover":

Looks like I picked him up at the bar, right? But he was doing well, all torture considered. No extractions, no complications, just a lot of soreness. They said he couldn't drink water, but he could eat ice. He's the one dog that I've ever had that just will NOT eat ice (of course) and I tried to tell them that, but they just said, "well, give it a try"...yeah, Bam will eat ice the day I eat popcorn...I could be stranded on a desert island with no food but a bag of microwave popcorn and I would starve to death! Bam is like that with ice. Needless to say, I fed him water from my fingertips.

He wouldn't get too far from me for the rest of the night, always touching me in some way, but every time he moved, he would cry out and it was sad. Finally, we just played "hold the baby" the rest of the night until we both fell asleep.

Probably laying him on his back wasn't the wisest plan, but it was what it was. By the morning, he was spooned beside me on the couch (as per usual), so apparently we moved at some point in the night.

He was coughing a bit this morning, and super dumb me, in my morning stupor (I don't really wake up until about 11, no matter how early I'm physically awake), I handed them their Pupperoni's as normal. He's not supposed to have solid food! By the time I realized what I had done, it was too late and he had finished most of it. I let him finish the rest. I also let him drink from the water bowl this morning (under supervision) and that seemed to help his coughing. My brain can't process that much thought in the morning. So that I don't forget (because it's not part of my morning routine), I literally have to put his med box beside my meds (which is beside my watch to remind me to put it on), just to remind me to give him his meds because they are in the fridge. I guess I'll need to put a slice of cheese on top of his med bottle for in the morning because he does have to take it with food. That's the only way I'll remember not to give him a Pupperoni. Bad me. But since he is taking pain killers and antibiotics, maybe I didn't do any damage. They always say the same thing to me when I leave the dentist, and I typically go straight to Sonic and get a Coke Zero with Nerds or a Cookie Dough Blast or something stupid and I lived through it, so I'm hoping they were just being overly cautious and I didn't do any permanent damage! I'm willing to tempt fate with myself, but not my kid!

Bam Bam update...ongoing

Both boys went to the groomer yesterday, which they DESPERATELY needed:

So while they were at the groomers (which is connected to the vet), I had them take a look at Bam (even though I was terrified at what they would find). I had them run a complete blood panel and, other than one anomaly that I don't like and they couldn't explain (his red blood cell count was low, with no key indicators in the other levels that could explain it), he apparently just needs his teeth cleaned because he does have some irritation at the gum line and some tartar buildup. He gets a Dentabone everyday, but he is older, and a Shih-Tzu, so he does tend to eat those typically either on one side, or in the middle teeth area, not really hitting the front or back teeth. He's also been losing front teeth like crazy, which probably means I'm going to be seeing his tongue slip out of his mouth soon like one of those Chinese Crested's that win all those ugly dog contests...joy.

Needless to say, they didn't have an appointment available for three bloody weeks! I kind of blew up on them over that. Especially since I was worried about him wasting away by not eating. Apparently that's a non issue...the little monster has literally gained an entire pound since the last time he had a check-up, and is now OVERWEIGHT! I kind of got a bit of a lecture for giving him pure protein and raising his BUN levels (I had to get him to eat something, and chicken and hamburger seemed like the best option, right?), but now I have to cut back on his Pupperoni intake (which he will NOT like).

But, before the day was over and haircuts were finished, the vet's office did call back with a cancelation for this Thursday, so I managed to get him squeezed in WAY sooner than three weeks, so yea Bam! And they both came out super handsome!

Although I'm not sure a CBC, feeling around on a 10.5 lb pup, an antibiotic, and basically liquid baby aspirin is worth $260. I'm a bit scared for what the cleaning is going to cost, since they have to put them to sleep to do it, but it is what it is, and he needs it. Thank goodness for CareCredit! I've also been thinking that, if Bam was the one that ate my Apple Pencil, he might have a wire in his stomach causing him to bleed a bit (although you'd think I'd see evidence of that, and he probably would have sloughed that off by now, since it's been a month). I may spend the extra $100 to have them do an x-ray just in case. I'm fairly sure that was Bugsy's handy-work, but might be better safe than sorry, and he'll already be asleep. Couldn't hurt, right?

The vet did mention that the low red cell count might be an early indication of IMHA (Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia), but that's not typically a Shih-Tzu related issue, and I kind of brushed him off on that one (which he didn't like). I did tell him in our early conversations that I'm not a fan of the young vets at the clinic (which he is), just because I've had REALLY bad luck with them, especially the women ones for some reason (and I would really prefer a woman vet, but for some reason, there I can't trust them). My vet's office has two of the top vets in our state and the other one is probably one of the top 10, so I tend to stick with them. Plus, since I've been going there for 30+ years, I have the privilege of having access to those three vets, whereas newer patients don't really get a choice.

But, by the end of the day, this guy seemed to win me over because I am going to allow him to work on my baby. I did (very nicely) threaten his life if something should go wrong and warned him that, if he didn't feel confident in what he was doing, that he needed to stop immediately and either let one of the others take over, or stop and we will wait another day when one of the others can do it. He seemed ok with that and didn't seem to mind much that I was leery of him. Should I be worried about that? Maybe he gets that a lot from "old" people? Or maybe it's just something the young ones deal with coming in to that particular vet office. Everyone wants to see the "wonder" docs. Whatever the case may be, he did seem a bit more knowledgeable than I'm used to from those younger ones (even if I think he was overshooting on the IMHA).

Ironically enough, I have seen two of the younger ones back in the day. The vet that took care of my beloved Zander back in the day was younger and was AH-MAZ-ING, although he left right afterwards to open his own practice, so maybe they aren't all bad (but his dog was going through the same thing Zander was at the same time, and he had to put his down exactly one week before Zander, and the stress of both of those was what caused him to leave the "hospital" environment of my vet's office and open his practice, which doesn't do hospital work...he still uses my vet as his hospital).

After he left, I saw a woman vet for a brief time with Zachary, she did two of his three bladder surgeries, but she apparently couldn't take all the death, so she quit being a vet and is now a phlebotomist at the hospital across the street! Who gives up that all that education (and money) to draw blood on screaming kids for the same amount of money you could make at McDonalds? Surely, she could have gone into research or SOMETHING else? I run into her at the hospital (or did run, when I could get into the hospital) all the time.

But it went downhill from there. It was the young ones that refused to meet me at the office when Zachary was dying because it was a holiday, so I had to spend three hours watching him die in my arms. It was a young one that cut one of Bam's nails too short and left him bleeding like a stuck pig (and tried to blame me...figure that one out). It was a young one that skipped Bugsy's heartworm medicine, which I happen to catch and called him out on (and he didn't like it and tried to say he did give it to him...it got heated but, needless to say, one of the older docs came in and Bugs got his shot). When Bugsy was rescued, he had heartworms and had to go through TWO treatments to get rid of them. Considering we're in the South in mosquito country, that medicine is CRUCIAL for dogs here, let alone a dog who has had heartworms in the past. Since I normally take my boys in on a Saturday, which is walk-in-day, they always ask, "do you have a vet preference?". If you say "no", you get in quicker, but that often means you get a young vet. Now, I call on Friday, find out which docs are working, and make sure I ask for one of whichever of the three older ones are working, even if it means we sit there for four hours (which we had done many a time), even if we are the first ones through the door. Better safe than sorry.

Funny side note, my Sister's dog is getting his shots Thursday as well, so my Brother-In-Law is bringing him in...he's a White Lab. They have to put him to sleep just to get him out of the truck! That dog is a HORSE. He has dog toys bigger than my Bam! So at least the cousins will be together that day, even if in dreamland!

Anyhoo, send out the good vibes Bam's way for Thursday, because the little guy is gonna be in a LOT of pain for a few days and let's just hope that's his ONLY problem! IMHA is a death sentence and I don't even want to go there, but they are going to have to do a LOT more convincing than a low RBC count to make me believe he has IMHA!

Sucky Stitching, but I have my reasons

For the 4th of July week prior, I didn't stitch because I had the worst week ever at work! It seems like, here lately, work keeps getting worse, but each level of "worse" is different. It's not certain situations that keep getting worse, it's new levels of problems, new issues, new doctors coming on, software problems, just random things hitting me from areas that I'm not used too...random chaos, and I don't like, nor function, well in chaos. So, with the holiday weekend and the three days off, I spent them doing something I apparently haven't done very well for quite a while...I cleaned my house! It took me almost all of the three days, and I could barely move for most of the week afterwards. But I did manage some stitching late on that Sunday. It sucked. But I left off last time here:

And barely made it to here because my hands were shaking from the cleaning:

Last week wasn't any better at work...it was a different level of worse. A whole new set of problems, each completely different than the previous week, but the previous weeks issues were all still piled up. Considering that a lot of my problems stem from the company I considered leaving here for, I don't regret my decision not to quit and move to California, but still, I'm getting too old to deal with some of these issues. It's just too much for one person.

On top of that stress, I've started to notice an issue with Bam, and I'm almost scared to mention it, but towards the middle of the week, he stopped wanting to eat. He would eat if I hand-fed him, which I know Zander used to do back in the day to play me and I don't want to start that trend if Bam is playing me, but since he is a rescue, and I don't know his real age, and it's obvious he is getting old, it's worrying me, so hand feeding it was. Then he got to the point by the end of the week where he wouldn't even accept that. He would eat his Dentabones and Pupperonis, but not his food, so I switched to boiled chicken and rice and hamburger meat, which he would eat if I hand-fed it to him, but usually not all of it. He's drinking fine, he's bathroom-ing fine, he's playing fine. His teeth seem OK, he doesn't grunt or groan when I squeeze across his torso, his heart is not loud, I've checked his dew claws and they are fine, no growing in, but I can't figure it out no matter how much I poke and prod at him.

I debated just taking him up to the vet on Saturday, but he seemed better then, so I didn't. By Sunday, I regretted that, so I called them this morning and they are supposed to call me back. He is getting a haircut on Tuesday and it is SWELTERING here, but he's always inside and, although I keep it warmer than most, my dogs have always been as cold-natured as I am, so they have never minded. Maybe now, he does mind. Once he gets his hair cut, maybe he'll go back to normal. But best to take him to the vet, spend a couple of hundred and have some tests run just to find out he's a big faker, than to keep worrying and find out that something is seriously wrong and I did nothing. Then again, I'm terrified there is something wrong. I'm definitely not ready to lose him. I knew taking on a rescue was a risk...they thought he was 5, but they didn't really know, he could have been older or younger. I've already had him for 7 years, so either way, he's a senior dog, especially for a pure bred Shih-Tzu. If it's something serious like cancer, I can't afford those treatments like my Sister could, so what am I going to do? I've had to put one down and I've watched one die horribly in front of me, I don't think I can do either again...sorry, I just can't think about that right now. Moving on...

But, once again, just on Sunday, I did stitch some, when I wasn't waking Bam up to check on him, so here is a bit more progress:

I'm going to keep working on the Bride until I finish this row, I'm determined on that, but at this rate, it could take me forever! I have to get back to stitching on the regular again. When it comes to work, I have to leave it at work, and Bam, well, one step at a time...vet first, then worry. Total face of a faker, right?

I have seemingly become a weekend stitcher only...and even that is becoming sporatic

Darn my stupid paint-by-numbers app! All day at work, all I want to do is go home and stitch, but once I get there, all I do is PBN on my iPad! I did manage to switch out Faces 167, I really just wasn't into her, so the rotation is back at the beginning with The Bride Doll Making (or Dollmaker, depending on which part of the paperwork you look at). 

I only started stitching on her Saturday, so again, this is ONLY two days worth of work (so don't get excited), but I will say, I felt much better stitching her than I've felt about stitching in general for a long time. I would just end up taking a break and say, "well, just one PBN..." and four hours later, I'd still be doing them. 

Anyway, I left off on The Bride back in January of this year (I've actually circled a rotation in the same year, that's an accomplishment I haven't done in years in itself, so yea me on that one!):

And I got a lot filled in, considering it was barely two days:

Forgive the shadow, Bam decided to look over my shoulder at that exact moment and I was too lazy to take another picture.  I'm going to try harder to focus on stitching this week than PBN.  I want to try to "spring clean" this three-day holiday weekend coming up, so that might cut stitching out a bit.  I'm REALLY close to finishing her row, so I'd like to get that done.

Speaking of paint-by-number apps, when I got my new iPad, that wasn't my intention for its main use. I had all these ideas in my head of starting to draw again, using it for writing up docs, and many other things. Which meant I needed an Apple Pencil as well. Considering I bought the newer iPad, it meant I had to had the 2nd Gen version of the Pencil (I didn't get the 12" iPad, so I can only use the 2nd Gen). I was MORE than hesitant about spending that much money on a pencil, especially after the iPad purchase, after all, there are several good alternatives on the market. But, if I wanted to draw, I needed the Apple Pencil for the haptic touch capabilities. If I wanted to draw a thick or thin line, the Pencil was a must. 

In the first week of having the pencil, I treated it with kid gloves because the case I ordered hadn't come in (and still hasn't). The iPad stayed in the box to protect it, as did the Pencil. But I ended up getting a cheap alternative of a case just so I could quit with the box scenario because it was getting on my nerves. This case had a holder for the pencil. The VERY FIRST MORNING after I walked the literal three feet from the couch to the chair to put my iPad back in my laptop before I went into the bathroom to get ready for work, the pencil must have slipped from it's hole because, in the 16 minutes it takes me to get ready for work (shower, hair washing, makeup, etc...I have it down to an art), it had become the most expensive dog toy on the planet!

My boys chew up NOTHING! I'm not sure if it was a message of "hey Mom, quit with the painting and pay attention to us!", I'm not sure if they just thought it tasted good or what, but $148 with tax and shipping went down the drain after five days of ownership!! 

I did have to buy a cheap $30 replacement (because I was lost without a pencil now) but it was very quickly apparent it wasn't going to cut it. So, against my better judgement, I ordered yet another Apple Pencil. This one gets babied more than the pups! For the record, I have also fallen asleep with the $30 in my hand and it has fallen in the floor (more than once, as well as gotten lost in the couch), but has NEVER been touched. I guess you can say my boys have taste! 

On another spending front, I FINALLY got Regina's Apple Bowls from her Once Upon A Time office! I barely took them out of the box other than to inspect them and, in the box they shall live until I get a "real house" where they shall be the showcase of my kitchen, but for now, here is the best view of them I can give you:

 

They are huge and gorgeous and I love them!  I need to find good quality fake apples, because I don't typically eat apples (well, green ones, but I don't necessarily want Zelena vibes in my house!).

I still can't stand the new Blogger format.  I spend more time switching between Compose mode and HTML (which I prefer, but the layout won't set right, so I have to go to Compose to fix)...what a pain!

Well, there was stitching this week, but...

It sucked. Three little days worth, most all of which was done on Sunday, and even that was sparse. I gave up on Suteki and went back to Faces 167. This is the last one in my rotation so, after this one, I can go back to The Bride Dollmaker and start over again. I'm kind of looking forward to that! But anyway, in case you guys have forgotten, this one is difficult because it's my first on 32ct, so it's VERY tiny (it will be 7x7 when finished), although at least it's not dithered, and it's also on Lugana, not my favorite. But since they don't make Monaco anymore, guess I'll have to get used to it. Anyway, it actually hasn't been that long since I last worked on her, June of 2019 to be exact:

And, like I said, very little progress, but here is where I left off Sunday night:

Whether or not I continue on her for another week or go ahead and shift back to the Bride Dollmaker, I haven't decided yet. I'm still having issues dragging myself away from painting by numbers on my iPad. Little Faces isn't that horrible to work on, she just hurts my eyes after a while. I wish I could actually do everything on 32ct, I think I like the coverage better and I definitely like the smaller size. But the older I get, the harder it gets to stitch on 28ct, let alone 32ct.

I'm also doing this post on the new blogger format. I still HATE it with a passion, but come the end of the month, we're not going to have a choice, so I figured I'd better get used to it. There are still a LOT of bugs, but they have worked out some of them, so I can at least switch between the different blogs I have. The worst part is that I can't typically do HTML anymore because it works wonky. I'm going to have to dink with it more. Blogging shouldn't be this difficult. I shouldn't have to add <div> code to break a line after a photo...someone let me know if I'm doing something wrong on that front.  Granted, it will let me break paragraphs fine on just words, but photo code just kind of bungles everything (unless they are just trying to force us to use Google photos, which I don't want to do).  Working in the old Compose mode feels like I'm working in old 90's tech.  It's just not right either, but at least I don't have to worry about the code (unless I try to switch back to HTML, and then it's a HUGE mess and I'm editing out all kinds of extraneous code!).

I've also tried updating my blog look a couple of times over the past few weeks, but I'm just not happy with the other formats, and I hate editing the code to get it to show the entire blog post.  I know a lot of people like just part of the post showing, but I'm a bit old school, in that I prefer the whole post to show.  Only a couple of the newer blog styles have been hacked enough to give you this option and, of the four, the two I prefer don't have the hacks.  So, for now, I'm stuck with what I've got until I can find something I like better.  Besides, the trees remind me of Once Upon A Time's opening logo, so I'm not totally against it, even if it's not that personalized.  And I'm still in a pretty dark mood, despite the time of year, so it still fits.

Speaking of, on the personal front, I can't thank you guys enough for your kind words! I wish I could say I'm getting better but, unfortunately, I'm not. I'm aware of the problem, I just haven't figured out how to control it yet. That's always been my issue and why, most of the time, professional help isn't needed. I don't need someone to point out the issue because I already know what it is, where the cause is and, most of the time, the actions I need to do to fix it. But in the heat of the moment, implementing those actions, can sometimes take more energy than I have at that particular time. Professionals can't help with that. That's all on me. Any tools or tricks they can "teach" me, I already know, but they don't understand that it is easier said than done. It is a constant struggle, one I let slide while the world kind of stopped during quarantine. It was almost like the world adapted to me instead of me having to adapt to the world. Now that everything has gone back to normal (literally) overnight, I wasn't prepared for the fallout of being thrust back into things full-force. It's kind of amazing the damage just a few months of downtime can do because it might take me a year or so to recover. Yea me.

But anyway, I guess we'll know by next week whether or not I stayed with Faces or moved back to the Bride.  Right now, I'm lucky that I'm getting in and out of the house!

No stitching progress this week

I just didn't have it in me to stitch last week. I instead, had a panic attack picking up my groceries at Walmart (that's a first...in the safety of my OWN vehicle!), several on the way to work, several in the car once I got to work, and even one in the car once I got home from work one night! What a FANTASTIC week! I have stayed away from the news though, so at least that's something (although, these days, that's still a difficult thing).

I did take my "wishful thinking" gingerbread house out of the freezer (if you remember, I put it in there to remind me, every time I got food out, that I had a goal of building a house this year):

I put it in a big ziplock and beat the hell out of it (because there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to financially build a house this year):

And I've been nibbling on it ever since (because gingerbread is good for like, forever!). I'll try again next year maybe.

I also went to Tilton Crafts and got the last two remaining Once charts they have that I don't, the Regina one I have from another source (this one is just wider):

And the one I really don't like because of the "characterization" of the characters (sorry, couldn't think of a better way to word that, but I hate Rumple's face in both examples, Evil Queen Regina looks weird, whereas Storybrook Regina is spot-on, and David looks NOTHING like David, and I can bet I know why!), but I'm trying to help her out because I know her store isn't doing so good right now, and I do love it over there:

I figure, at least on the second one, I have more stash than lifetime, so I have hundreds that will never get stitched, this will just be one of them!

I ended up stuck on the couch again due to the strangest event ever...I was sitting in my chair at work Friday night, and the chair literally flipped out from under me like someone pulled it out really hard! I can't even explain what happened! I ended up flat on my butt in the floor, my bad knee hit the desk hard enough it knocked the wind out of me, the back of the chair hit the back of my neck...it was just a huge, weird, cluster fudge! I was kind of in shock afterwards, and was even lightheaded for a while (probably should have waited to drive home). Needless to say, I have two raspberry bruises on my hips (not my butt...haven't figured that one out yet, unless they absorbed the shock of my entire weight hitting the floor), smaller ones on my hands, but my knee, which took the hardest hit, is just fine...go figure!

So, I ended up watching both seasons of Dollhouse this weekend because I've never seen it. I figured I'd like it since it's the Whedon's and they do Shield, but it wasn't that great. I couldn't get into the characters at all. But I'm also not a Buffy fan, so there you go (yes, I'm one of those weirdos that prefer the movie to the show). At least I can say I've seen it now, but I don't need to watch it again. I could see some correlations between it and Shield though...let's just hope they don't choose to end some relationships the same way!

I am going to switch out Suteki and try to stitch this week. I did finally get in my lighting kit for my Shield Quinjet Lego set, so that is ugly staring at me from the kitchen table (and my HUGE diamond paintings from Diamond Art Club are also still looming in the duckroom, along with the photo lightbox that I just HAD to have so I could take pictures of my stuff...it's still in the box along with the aforementioned items that were all bought MONTHS ago). Once I get home nowadays though, I'm just so "socially exhausted", I don't want to do anything but color-by-number on my iPad and watch TV. I'm getting lazy in my old age!

Suteki...why am I bothering?

On Thursday, my Sister told me to stop watching the news, it was making me worse, so I did. And going home and watching hours and hours of news of social unrest on TV, of people hurting, not only emotionally, but with all of the violence on both sides, has also taken its toll on me. I don't want to stitch because I don't feel like I should stitch. I shouldn't sit and enjoy myself while the rest of the world is fighting for basic human rights (something I could never go out and do myself for obvious reasons).

I spent months working myself to the bone, practically sequestered at work. I pushed past the limits of exhaustion and came out the other side, not exactly ready for social activity (a difficult feat even before that began). Then, within less than a week after go-live, we have a tornado less than 400 ft away from my trailer...not the safest place to be in the South anyway. THEN, almost immediately after that, I see that that the world is heading towards a pandemic, so I had to sequester myself again, which I did a good month before everyone else around here. This time, it took me a while to figure out that I was using the pandemic as an excuse, more than a legitimate reason to stay away from people. I haven't been inside a store or restaurant in months. I also haven't been able to to through a drive-thru since the very beginning days of this, something I could at least do before.

But it's also gotten harder to even go to the store to pick up groceries via online ordering. They are typically out of stock of EVERYTHING. I'm way over-ordering just to try to get half of what I need and I'm still having to buy groceries a couple of times a week. This was something it took me weeks to work up to before! In an effort to help, a co-worker offered to go inside a local store with me although we had to have a long discussion about where I could actually go. Going inside the Wal-Mart I pick up from is not an option (the other SuperCenter has a Subway...Daddy issues, so no go there). And I'm having a LOT of trouble with just the idea of any store that has an entrance that very eerily remind me of TSA checkouts at airports...one of my top 5 greatest fears. Even before all this happened, I had a panic attack in one of our local Wal-Mart Marketplaces because, since I had been buying online, I hadn't been there in a while, and they moved the checkout lanes on me (they changed them to complete self-checkout...which I do typically hate because, since it takes me forever to build up the courage to go to the store, I buy a TON of stuff...not really what the self-checkers were designed for). I couldn't find my way into the stupid lanes because the entrance wasn't marked, it wasn't readily visible because of the big bins blocking it. I spent an hour on the phone with my Sister bawling like a baby, stalking the isles trying to watch to see how other customers were getting in (but because it was a late hour, not a lot of people were in the store and it just made me look weirder, which made me more self conscious, it was a total cluster fudge). I also can't go to the local Kroger for an even stupider reason, they moved to a bigger store and I haven't been in there yet. And, the last time I went to Target, one of the few stores I could go in, the next day it got hit by a tornado...see a pattern here? I can't go anywhere by myself and, even with help, I still can't go anywhere! We have dozens of stores in this town, all have given me mini-panic attacks at one time or another!

But, I did agree to go with my co-worker to the store down the street from my house, since it's also on her way home. It's not the best store, but I've been there before and I was getting desperate for certain things. We get in there, and NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE is wearing masks...not patrons, not staff, not management, NO ONE! Freak out #1. When I would go up to look at something, some complete stranger would walk right up on me like it was just normal days (something I hated even in normal days), so I would have to just walk away (and, in some cases, sprint). Freak out #2. I waited in line at the meat counter at a safe distance, while the girl in front of me handled almost every single package of meat trying to decide. She held them in her hands, she would put them in her basket, then back on the shelf, she would ask her companion, then take them back again. She would compare them to the ones still on the shelf. She would swap them out. Freak out #3. I stood my ground, especially since I was there for meat, but eventually, my rage must have been felt, because she turned and looked all evil at me and walked off. Thank goodness I, at least, was wearing a mask and she couldn't see MY face! By the time I got out of that store, I was stressed, freaked and had to practically bleach everything I bought.

My Sister is big on social desensitization (probably because she's been going to a therapist too long). Social desensitization doesn't work on me and it took me a long time for all my old therapists and shrinks to realize this and take other measures. It just makes me worse. Almost every single time I go out, it's like 90/10 trauma/calm situation, so next time, I just remember the trauma. I get where she's coming from, but I also can't make her understand that, yes, I get this whole new phobia I've built up is ALL in my head and there is no magic pill, I'm QUITE aware, but it's still there and it's still very real to me, as is the traumas. I'm the type of person that, if a toilet is going to fall from an airplane and kill someone, that someone would be me. Unfortunately, there are only two people who can fix it...me (which I'm obviously in no state to do at this point) and a professional (which our local mental facility made sure I will NEVER been able to seek professional help again, so thanks for that!). For now, this is my reality.

On Wednesday last week, driving to work, it was like someone flipped a switch and turned the pandemic off. Traffic was normal, every business parking lot was full and just the drive itself, with all the people around, even though I was in the safety of my own vehicle, freaked me out enough that I had to take a "little blue friend" when I got to work. It's been like that every morning (and every night) since.

I mentioned to my Sister, after the rocket launch, that I wanted to go to Kennedy for my 50th B-Day this year, but then I realized that I don't think I can do that. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I don't think I can go back to Disney either. It's just been too long since I've been there. If I can't even drive to work without freaking out, how am I supposed to go out of town? How am I ever going to drive down to the coast again? I could do that because I was in the safety of my own vehicle, a space that, even now a simple drive to work can prove, isn't safe enough for me. So what do I do?

The more time goes on, the more I am realizing that I'm using the pandemic and the issues of our country now as the excuse I've been searching for my whole live...a valid excuse to lock myself in my house and never leave it again. I've worked through years of childhood traumas to "appear" normal so no one would realize I wasn't. I dealt with all sorts of issues in my 20's as a side effect of all that youth trauma. In my 30's, I started to accept what I was and began to work on the best ways to deal with it and learn to function in my own ways and (I had thought) by my 40's, I had it all down to a routine, even if I spent everyday fighting my true nature. But here we are, on the cusp of my 50th year of life, and everything I've worked for is slipping away from me and I'm not sure how, or if I even want, to stop it. Is that a sign of old age or am I just tired?

Once my Sister told me to turn off the TV on Wednesday, it took until Friday before I could watch normal TV again and then I felt guilty (but I was having Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. withdrawal). I was careful what I watched, nothing too lighthearted, but slowly I noticed I was sinking back into my old TV routines. By Sunday, I picked up my needle again. I felt guilty for that too. But my life is already in such disarray, I can't keep making it worse. I'm already in pretty bad shape, bad enough that, I'm pretty sure, once the pandemic is over with, my life can't go back to "my" normal. I've developed fears I never knew I had or never had before (like germs...I was an anti-germiphobe before and, just me going out in public with a mask on my face is something you would NEVER see me do, like ever, even as a kid at Halloween!). I have to at least keep some semblance of normalcy, so back to stitching it is.

So here is my ONE day worth of work. I left off here last week after only two days worth of work (have I mentioned I hate this project, although I will say she ain't going so bad what little I have been stitching on her this time, maybe because it's in little doses):

And here is my "progress" (if you want to call it that), I've been working on filling in the gaps on the first page more than anything, so you can't even see what progress there is:

Just to add insult to injury, after YEARS of sleeping on the couch because I felt more comfortable within a stone's throw of the front door (and it just sort of evolved after my "bad hospital" stint), my couch, even after replacing the cushions, has become WAY too uncomfortable, enough so that, after last weekend's barely moving and sitting all tightened up, I could barely walk for days! Since I stitch there too, that also affects my stitching. I've had to go back to sitting in the chair, but I haven't moved my stitching gear back yet, but I've also had to go back to sleeping in the bed, something I am VERY uncomfortable with! Every little sound wakes me up. The pups aren't used to it, so they are up and down all night (and Bam is too little to get off and on by himself, even with the step bench, so I have to help him up and down). I'm not physically hurting anymore, but I'm exhausted, which isn't helping everything else!

And I have a back porch light out, one that can't be reached without a ladder. Another coworker offered to help with that, but I'm so scared to get out of the house at all, that when she texted me Saturday, I panicked and asked if we could wait until next weekend. Granted, my excuse was I was up until 5 am (which was true...I'm obsessed with paint-by-numbers on my iPad now), but it was an excuse. I was just too scared to go outside...of my own house...at 9 am in the morning...on a Saturday...with a coworker. Stupid! And now I still have a light out, another reason keeping me from sleeping in the bed (which is past that light) good. I'm the destroyer of my own world!

In the beginning of the pandemic, I warned about the dangers this would have on our mentally ill. I thought I was prepared for my own issues, but I wasn't prepared for everything else packed on top, that just has become too much and I don't know how to process it all anymore. I can't help the world, I can't help myself, and my few outlets of release, like TV and stitching, have become guilt trips rather than helpers. I'm at a loss as to what to do, but I'm still hanging in there. And, if anyone has any ideas (rather than desensitization), let me know!