Just a touch more stitching

I keep trying, but something is blocking me from being able to stitch...be it work, be it work-related headaches, be it worrying about the next school semester, or just be it my OCD with Once (which is ironic considering I'm stitching a Once stitch), I just can't bring myself to work on Snow and Charming. Most nights I've been getting home so late, I have no energy for anything but staring at the TV. But I did get two more days in last week. I left off here last week:

And I cleared out most all of the blue and started on their hair again:

I does kind of look like a lot of work, but considering it's such a small project, it really isn't much at all. I could probably easily finish the row in a week, if I had a week of regular stitching time. I would really like to finish at least the first row before classes start back up again. Maybe this week I'll knock it out.

I'm technically "supposed" to be on vacation from Christmas to New Years, but since I can't take vacation because there is no one to cover me, I will have to come in every day and work some...at least do my daily duties (because no one else can). I keep saying that they are going to be in trouble when I drop dead, but no one takes me seriously. There are things that only I can do and since they aren't major duties, they aren't in any manual, just in my head. Job security, yes, company security, not so much. Despite it all, I am quite loyal to this place (obviously, because I do put up with a lot), I just wish that the feeling was mutual.

But on a happier note, I'm not a Christmas person at all (Halloween is more my bag), but for those who are, I hope you enjoy your holiday and have a great time with your families! I plan to spend the day alone with my pups, stitching and watching Once. It probably sounds sad, but it makes me happy and that's all that matters. And I'm not big on spending time with my family anyway, at least 97% of them. For an Asper, Christmas was always my nightmare...all those people, food I hated, people staring at you while you opened presents and having to react to things you didn't want (and my mother was the WORST gift giver...still is). And because I came from a divorced family, as a child I had to go through it multiple times with parents, grandparents, my aunt...ugh. Now, I just don't participate at all, although my mother still asks every single year, just like Thanksgiving (another holiday I don't like because of the food). Home alone is best for me. It's just another day off work for me.

Stitched Again - But Don't Get Excited

I had all these fantastic stitch plans last week which, of course, work ruined magnificently! They must have secretly decided, that since I'm not in school this month, I need to "make up" for all the hours I missed (technically, since I never dropped below 50 hours per week, I don't think one could say I missed anything), so I've been working my hind-end off and, by the time I got home, I had no energy to stitch. But I did get some done Saturday. I ended up with a headache on Sunday, so unfortunately, nothing to report there.

So here is where I left off last week:

And, as paltry as it is, here is Saturday's progress:

Here's hoping this week will be better. I don't have many weeks left before school starts back up again and I'd like to at least have row 1 finished.

But speaking of school, my programming teacher is still M.I.A., but someone else graded the final, it got dropped from 100 pts to 90 pts (not sure why), and I got a 67.8 on it (yep, you read that right, I got a D on the final! I'm still not sure how THAT happened...I figured that whoever graded didn't give partial credit like she did). It dropped my G.P.A. down to an 89.0 (which is a B). But I knew I still had those two bonus point problems that weren't graded, so hope wasn't lost. They only got one graded before the cutoff, but it was enough to bring me back up to a 90.0 (which is back up to an A, thank goodness!). Granted, if the other bonus point problem would have been graded, it would have been higher (and it kind of makes me mad considering the hours we worked on that mess), but still, I'm not complaining, I got my two A's in the end!

Surprisingly, I did find out that my English teacher just nicked my paper on citations and not content. It's hard to make them understand that I am of a certain age and of a certain ilk and have acquired a certain amount of knowledge from life that came from reading, watching and absorbing. I didn't need any information for this paper from sources because it all came from my brain. She had trouble buying that, but it's true. I have more knowledge of animation than the average bear because I wanted to be one for half my life and I can talk technical details about Sleeping Beauty like nobody's business! I figured she'd have a field day on content considering my subject matter. I am an "old school" Disney princess girl after all and she's the middle type. But she even said I had some very valid points. I was shocked! I know a couple of you guys mentioned you might want to read it, just drop me a message and I'll send it to you (I don't mind, what am I gonna do with it now?), but just know you might get offended if you are a middle type Princess person and definitely is you are a "new style" Princess person...or maybe not. She mentioned she wasn't offended at all and that I was focused more on the Princes than the Princesses. I hadn't really realized I was going more in that direction until she pointed it out, but I guess she was kind of right.

I did come to a realization though, I was beginning to think that maybe I'm just not cut out for programming (and I thought I'd take to it like a duck to water), but I think it's because all we are programming are math problems. The "real world" isn't like that. I will NEVER understand why colleges don't teach "real world" situations. What good does it do to teach us how to program trig problems when we will NEVER use them? It is SOOOO frustrating! But I will know better next semester whether I stay in this program or switch majors to either C.I.T. (which is basically what I do for a living now) or maybe computer-aided design (where I could use some of my old art hours as electives and not lose them). Time will tell. I would love the design, but there is no money in it. I still have my science classes to get out of the way (my only remaining basics), well besides Oral Comm and apparently now Philosophy (I've always said I would be HORRIBLE in a Philosophy class because I'm too opinionated), so I might start working on getting those out of the way and take a "computer break" for a while to "think" about things and decide on the best path. The whole Astronomy thing was a nice idea, but at my age, it might be too lofty of a dream. And I do have to admit, I enjoyed the writing in English a HECK of a lot more than the computer stuff. That's not good when you are a Computer Science major (but it's not like I can do anything with an English degree, so there you go).

Stitch Progress

Yes, you read that title correctly, I stitched this weekend, although not much! I also didn't finish working on my new blog either, but with school out now, it was the first weekend in forever I didn't have to spend the the entire weekend on a stupid computer in the first place! But I also didn't spend it cleaning either. I think I just needed a "decompression" weekend.

But anyhoo, last time, I left off on Snow and Charming with just a touch:

And got a bit deeper into it.

I was getting bored with the blue, so I hopped around a bit, but I figured I'd get back into the blue just to keep it cleaner. I also took my Once needle minder off of Hook for this project and bought a new one for Hook...a swan. Very apropos, I thought.

And once I got caught up on my new-found YouTube Once Upon A Time Response obsession, I was able to stop watching OUAT for quite a while this weekend (although not completely). I haven't been able to do that all semester. I think my OCD must be stronger when I'm more stressed. And, considering my Programming teacher has gone MIA, I should be more stressed than ever. Our last two assignments (which were IMPORTANT bonus points that I desperately needed) and a really crap final still haven't been graded and the deadline for final grades to be posted is the 13th. My GPA for CompII is already listed. No responses to emails, no responses from department heads, no one will tell us what is going on or when (or if) we will get our grades for programming. Wonder if I'll get lucky and they will just go with the midterm grades...at least then I'll keep my A.

I did realize something though...one of my teachers had a stroke mid-semester and got replaced, the other got a mysterious illness and disappeared at the end of the semester and, as a side note, every single new coastal location I visited this year got wiped off the face of the Earth by a hurricane. I wonder what that says about me?

Oh well, maybe I'll have time to dink more with the blog next week.

Pardon my construction

I've decided to jump on the "new theme" bandwagon and give them a try.  It's BEYOND time I upgraded anyway...I just have to tweak a few things to get them the way I like them.  Honestly, I was going to change my background picture to something similar to what I had, but the blue forest reminds me of Once, so I'm not too much in a hurry to fix it, at least not now!

So stay tuned, things they are a'changin while I'm on school break!  Oh, and if anyone has any ideas, doesn't like anything (you CAN'T hurt my feelings, so be honest), or actually likes it, let me know!  I'm all ears!

Done, Done, Done!!!!

I am done for the semester! I managed to get through English II with an "almost" perfect score. She docked me on my final paper because of citations, but I still had a 99.6 average, so it didn't hurt there.

Programming was a whole other ball of wax. Our teacher got sick last week and still hasn't graded our last two bonus points, so I'm not sure how much of my A is there, but our final was today and I blew through the first three pages like a pro, but the last three problems, the ones that counted the most points, were complete Greek! It wasn't something we had ever covered and, if I had to guess, I'd say someone else had to finish the test for her and didn't know what level we were at.

No one that I knew of in the class, even the brilliant ones with perfect scores, could work those problems, so we'll see how it goes. If our teacher gets better and grades the test, it might save us and I might manage to keep that A after all, but if another teacher does, at least my current score is high enough and the final counts less enough that it could do it drop me to a low B, even if I failed it. But a B is a B, and I can live with that. It kind of sucks that held on to that A by the skin of my teeth all semester only to lose it at the last second, but I'm just glad to be finished for a few weeks!

As a side note, I found a new "world" on YouTube that I never ran across before...viewer responses to shows. I checked out a few before I landed on this one guy, who is sooo NOT the Once Upon A Time kind of person, and it is HILARIOUS watching him watch each episode of the show! It's not the whole episodes, you have to pay for his Patreon page for that (which I might do if he finishes the entire series), but it's enough of a taste on YouTube to keep me interested. He LOVES the show and exclaims after each episode "this is my new favorite episode!". I figured I'd be bored to tears watching someone else watch my show, but I'm not sure why it's so cool watching a newbie to the world gets so obsessed with it, especially the "not" Once type, but sometimes he gets me laughing so hard, I just about pee my pants! It's just neat watching someone else from a different world enjoy the show the way that I do.

But once this week is over with, I'm SERIOUSLY cleaning my house from top to bottom, and then it's cross-stitch city until January when classes start again. Oh boy.

Breaks are bad!

I've been looking forward to Thanksgiving break for a while, even with double work duty, just to have time off school. What I didn't count on was loving it too much! Yes, I did work my butt off at work with double shifts, but I went home and did "normal" things. I watched TV (well, OK, I do that every night anyway, but without doing homework at the same time), I rarely turned on my computer at home, and I even started my new stitch project! I did finish my last three English assignments, so technically, I'm finished with that class for the semester. I just have to turn them in as they are due and I can finish the semester focusing solely on programming, my hard class.

I am worried about my final paper because it was supposed to be 3-5 pages and I couldn't get it below 7 (shock, I know, me being overly-wordy). I rewrote the paper five times, from five different points of view, and each one ended up exactly 7 pages. My topic was the backlash against the original Disney Princess Model and the lack of a Disney Prince Model and basically how I think both are really bad things. But you guys know how I feel about that. I'm old school. I like happily every after and true love and all that OG stuff. Ever since a certain actress/Disney princess herself, had her little Twitter rant about it (and another one flat out said she refuses to let her daughter watch Cinderella because she doesn't want her to learn that girls should wait around for a "rich prince to rescue them" - sorry, did she watch the same movie I did?), this comic has been making the rounds and I find it pretty apropos for the issue:

Granted, I get why parents want to teach their girls to be strong and independent, but still, what about the boys? What are we teaching them? That they are just side pieces or villains? They no longer need to slay the dragons or fight the monsters because the girls can do that themselves. They no longer are held to a certain honorable, chivalrous, valorous code, one worthy of a princess because they simply aren't needed anymore. And trust me, I've noticed the difference in the generations of boys since the trend started. And if you wanna exchange stone-throwing, didn't Anna fall in love in five minutes with a total villain who tried to kill her and her sister, and then fell in love the very next day with a total waste of space (cuteness aside)? Yeah, SUCH a better role model there. I will never understand why everyone thinks that movie is such a good role model for girls just because of that whole sisterly relationship...I can't be the only person in the world that noticed that it was Anna's bad decisions that caused all the problems in the first place. I sometimes wonder if the people who complain the most about the OG princesses have actually watched those movies since they were kids. But I digress and I can rant about this topic all day.

But doing "normal" things reminded me how much I miss my "normal" life. This whole school journey started for many reasons, but one of the main ones being because I hated my job so much, especially one doctor in particular who is now leaving the practice. Now that he's leaving and work is getting better, it makes me wonder why I'm putting myself through all this struggle. I have to go back to class today and my nerves are all wound up. I'm terrified like it's the first day. Breaks are bad things! It broke my routine and now I feel like I'm starting all over again. Christmas break will be even worse because, after it's over, I start all new classes. Then there is summer. There is no way I can not take summer classes now, I see that, or I will never go back in the fall. I knew I could scrape up enough money for one summer semester (because I didn't take out enough loans for summer, not knowing how school would go in the first place), but I don't know how I'll come up the funds for a second one too, but I have to find a way.

But anyhoo, stitch-wise, I went out last Friday night and got thread and started winding it afterwards, but I fell asleep. So, I got up Saturday, started winding again, and midday I fell asleep again and didn't wake up until Sunday! I think I must have just been catching up or something. But, by Sunday, all thread was wound, the fabric was stretched and gridded, and Snow and Charming:

Went from a blank canvas:

And started it's long week of a journey. Granted, I didn't get to work on it much, like I said, it was a rough work week, but 7.33 hrs in, I at least made it here by the end of the week:

Considering I haven't stitched on anything since about March, not bad for my return, if I do say so myself! I also thought I had a needle minder bought for this, so I guess I need to find one by Christmas break, since I probably won't have time to touch it again until then.

It's going to be small, about 7 x 10 on 28ct, and I'm still questioning the detail that the pattern promises, but I'm hopeful! It was originally supposed to be stitched on 18ct anyway, so that accounts for mine's tiny size, but I'm still a bit worried. I just wish I had a Emma and Hook to match, but that's OK. I'm just grateful for this gift and hopefully I can do it justice!

The end is nigh

But not in the way you might think. I have one last test this Friday in programming, then Thanksgiving break. Thanksgiving "break" itself isn't a real break because I have to work double shifts at work that week (always have) because a certain transcriptionist takes off that week and I have to cover my job and hers (lucky me...one of these days I'm gonna say no to this extra crap, but right now, I'm the only one who can do every job in the building). But I should maybe be able to stitch some during Thanksgiving week...maybe. Then, there is one final week of school after that, and then the week of finals and the fall semester is over. I'll have a few weeks of Christmas break (maybe more stitching), and then here we go again!

I am still barely holding on to that A in programming, so even if I bomb the next test and the final, I can still clear a C in the class, which will still allow me to pass on to the next programming class, but I hate that I can't keep the A. There are no more homework assignments or labs left and, yes, she is having some bonus points, but only as daily quizzes, and those count as minuscule points (although I will do EVERY single one).

My disability officer and I came up with the idea of replaying all my class recordings from every single lecture and basically redoing the entire semester (which is what I did this weekend) and I can immediately tell at what point I stopped learning...when her teaching method changed from one of "this is how you do something" and "this is why you do it" and I was A-OK on all that, to one of "type what I say", "copy and paste this", and "this is what you get"...and that's where I got lost because I don't learn that way (although apparently that's how everyone else learns...maybe it's a generational thing?). At least I know it's not me being stupid, so that makes me feel somewhat better, but not all the way because the other kids are getting this method, just not me.

As of now, I still have a perfect score in English, so not too worried there, although I still have several more papers to write along with the cut-down big one, but again, I got that covered with minimal effort.

Two things scare me about next semester...one being that I have to literally start all over again with new teachers, new environments, mostly new students, and new struggles, and the other being, since I'm not doing so good in an intro programming class and the next class is a full-on C++ class, I'm more than a bit terrified, especially since I've been warned it is a lot harder (although that class will have a book, which will help me immensely).

There is also a massive argument between support services and my advisor over what is best for me to take in summer. My advisor and I thought my blaa sciences (Chemistry and Biology) would be best for summer, but Support Services says no way...I need to take Calculus I and II if I ace Precalc because Chem and Bio are 4 hour courses (keep in mind, Calc I and II are ALSO 4 hour courses, so I'm not sure in the logic in that). Summer courses were always easier for me because they are daily, you have to do your homework every night and don't have time to forget things from every other day, and the semesters are 5 to 7 weeks instead of 15, so they leave a BUNCH of stuff out. It's rushed, but easily so. All my summer grades as a kid were always higher than fall and spring.

One thing I do know for sure, despite what the summer courses hold, next fall and spring will probably be computer free and more last minute finalization of basics or major requirements that do not involve programming. I think I need a semester or two to rethink this before I progress on unless I just ace Structured Programming and feel OK with moving on. Problem is, the next step is OOP and apparently, that class is so hard that the grade curve is 65 is a C and everyone takes it at a bare minimum of twice before passing it. At this stage, with me being so unsure of myself, I'm not ready for THAT kind of failure, at least not yet. I need some breathing room and maybe some enjoyment from other areas first. Maybe it's time to see where I stand with Physics.

At least work will back off next semester because my school hours will not interfere with my work hours as much. But to do so, I had to schedule an 8 am class...me, 8 am. Even I knew better than to do that as a kid! And my 8 am class is Precalculus! Seriously? Then back-to-back with that is programming. I've already warned work that I will NOT be a pleasant person by the time I get here at 10 (which is only an hour later than I get here now). They had the option of letting me do Precalc from 10-11, but they weren't having that, so they will have to deal with my bad mood. There is one caveat for either class, I have programming lab on Wednesday's from 3:30 to 5:30, which is totally weird, but oh well. That couldn't be helped. I have the feeling that next semester, work will let me take whatever hours I want. I am NOT nice when I have to get up early and even doing it day in and day out won't make it better over time (probably just worse). I guess it's safe to say I'm serious about my education when I'm willing to take an 8 am class!

It's the Apocalypse

I have spent four days trying to get my programming homework to work (still not there yet). My Sister is in Disney World right now having an amazing time and I'm dealing with my sucky life between school and job wishing I was with her. I dealt with freaking out puppies this morning because it's storming and I trudged through the rain to get to work fighting stupid drivers. Once I got to work and went across the street to the hospital, I got a full Bridget Jones splash (twice) and am now soaked to the bone.

Once I got settled in my office to my year-round Halloween decor, I got hit with a realization that broke my heart...today IS Halloween and I COMPLETELY FORGOT!! ME! I am Lydia Deetz, Wednesday Addams, and most of the Sanderson Sisters rolled into one (although lately I've been more Sarah in the brain department), but I forgot Halloween! I'm pretty sure in the more obscure books of the Bible there are passages that say that when Keebs forgets Halloween, it's one of the first signs of the apocalypse, so everyone should start preparing themselves. The world MUST be about to end. I have only two holidays I celebrate...my birthday (which was ruined this year by a migraine) and Halloween, which I apparently don't have the sense to even remember anymore!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES EVERYONE!

I want to be so Snow White Hopeful...but

"Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing". Oh, the wisdom that is Mary Margaret Blanchard on Once Upon A Time.

I try...I try so hard every single day. At every turn there is obstacle after obstacle and I don't understand why. If school is my right path, why are stones being thrown at me all the friggin time? Not a single step of this has been easy and yet I keep taking the rocks to the head.

The day of my last post, about four hours after it actually, my English teacher had a stroke. She's doing better, but she won't be back. I hate that. We weren't getting along, but I really admired her and I felt I was learning so much from her about myself and I felt that my writing was getting better. I miss her.

Class has been on hold for two weeks. We got a new professor this week and she's one of those that doesn't care and just wants us to get through the rest of the semester with busy work. Yes, I should be grateful just because she has done away with the annoying discussion boards. But she's also added weekly papers on essays in the books that can only be one page (HA!) on top of the "big paper" which she has trimmed down to absolutely nothing with no sources and a very strict list of horrible items...gun control, abortion, voting, animal testing, blaa, blaa, blaa. I already had my big paper worked out. My old teacher and I had discussed Pluto's planetary status, but since, I had decided to do mine on the whole Classic Disney Princess backlash (and you guys know where I stand on that line). It's controversial and it's something I could be passionate about. If she expects me to write an impassioned plea on any of those other topics, she's nuts. I could care less.

The new prof said we could email her with different topics and she'd get right back. I emailed her within 10 minutes of getting her initial email Monday morning. It is now Wednesday, and not a WORD. I don't function that way. I will wait until this afternoon and she will get a second email and then, if I get no response, she will get a visit on Monday (her next office hour...and I do mean hour). If someone says they will email you immediately, I expect an immediate response. I see my grades dropping quickly in that class. She and I won't get along. I looked up her picture. She looks like a fru-fru beauty queen type.

On the programming front, I had a HORRIBLE headache last week and a test. Turns out, the two don't mix. I haven't got my grade back yet, but I figure it is a mid C, hopefully a low B. The B I can save and maybe raise back to an A. The C means I'm stuck with a B and only if I work my butt off for the rest of the semester. Problem is, because I've had two weeks off in English, I've gotten EXTREMELY lazy too. I don't want to do homework anymore. I don't want to do school anymore and I think a lot of that has to do with my least favorite doc leaving the practice. With that thorn being pulled out of my side, a huge part of my motivation has left me. I just want to go back to working, watching my shows, and stitching. I'm still holding on though. I've already started registering for next semester, but I'm not sure I can handle another round.

I did get a new advisor (my programming teacher)...I like her personally, I just don't think she's a good teacher. She's also a Disneyphile, so it will work out well when she's no longer teaching me. She told me I could do things that Support Services tells me I can't (like taking Ethics instead of Econ, etc). She told me to retake Chemistry in the summer, SS said no. So I have no clue what to do. My major classes aren't really offered in the summers, so that's why I was going to clear out all the science, but if I don't go summers, I will never graduate with two classes per fall and spring semesters (and any kind of break will probably keep me from going back).

A back story on that. When I was a kid, my mother made me go straight through because she was afraid that if I didn't go a summer I'd quit, so I started college the summer after high school. Eventually, I got badly burned out and begged for a summer off. They let me, but she was right, I never went back. That trait hasn't changed. If I got away too long, even a couple of months, I wouldn't go back. I will have to go straight through if I ever want to graduate (but do I?).

Were you guys this wishy-washy or is this a "me" thing?

And I have been driving my coworkers crazy because this song has been playing constantly over and over for weeks in my office:

They just don't know it's also been playing in my car, on my phone while I'm waiting for class, and sometimes, even at home when I'm not watching Once. I wonder what it means? I must hold a grudge against someone or something.

Work + School = Crashing Brain

I'm not sure how you guys do it...home, work, school, life, etc. I can barely handle work and school. I'm struggling with both to the point that I'm almost ready to just give up on school altogether. My grades are still good (for now), but that could change at the drop of a hat. Of course I'm going to keep going, I only have five weeks of the term left, but I think I've reached that feared "boredom" point I knew I would hit. It was all new and exciting at first, now it's a struggle and a drudge, so I don't want to do it anymore. Typical Asper behavior. And it's almost time to register for next semester and I'll have to start all over again. Oh joy.

Programming started out with her not explaining things well and dumping tons of homework on us that I couldn't figure out how to do. Now, she's walking us through everything step-by-step with her doing the work and giving us no homework, so I don't know how to work anything on my own. So now, when we do have to do our own problems during in-lab days (which are basically like mini test days), I have no clue where to even start. I wasted 30 minutes just staring at the screen trying to figure out what the problem was actually asking and then another hour trying to work out how to even begin. Then the next hour was spent failing at the problem and the last 20 minutes was trying to fix it to make it work. To say it was a disaster is putting it mildly. I don't have high hopes for this week's either.

English, on the other hand, has gotten more difficult because I'm not understanding the assignments (or I'm making them harder in my head, which is probably the case). I've managed to make the teacher mad on more than one occasion by asking her stupid questions about the assignments. We also have discussion boards in that class because it's an online and I'm HORRIBLE at those. We keep dwelling on the dark and dirty world of current events. I don't watch the news, hate the news, hate dealing with the news, etc and I've spent more time keeping up with current events in the past seven (now going on eight) weeks than I have in my entire life. Needless to say, it hasn't helped my mental health issues much and it's negatively affecting my mood. I made the mistake of pretty much vocalizing my disgust with the topics of the discussion boards thus far, so I figure my grades for last week are going to suffer for it. I should have kept my mouth shut.

Despite all this, I've work is starting to settle down and my least favorite doctor, the one that gives me the worst amount of hell, handed in his notice for the end of the year! I couldn't be more excited! I knew a few days before everyone else and no one understood why I was bouncing around with a huge smile on my face until it was "officially" announced this morning. He's also one of the main reasons why I wanted to go back to school and get out of here, so with him going, it's making my struggle to stay in school more difficult.

I go home and still OCD Once Upon A Time (really heavily), but I'm able to do homework at the same time, so it's not as bad as the previous OCD phase. I really want to stitch again though. Bad. It's gotten so bad that I've decided either to only go one summer term, or to not go to either because I want time off to stitch and travel. I miss doing both too much. But the thought of not being able to stitch until next May sends hives down my back. It figures my stitchy bug would come back during a time when I can't do anything about it. I did finally buy the last Kordek pattern in the Once men series, August/Pinocchio, but it's just going in the stash pile with the rest of them:

I'm still upset there is not a Charming to match out the set, but what can I do? I still have to buy thread for my Snow and Charming project and that's the one I'm really dying to start:

If anyone knows if there is an Emma/Hook to match, let me know! This one was a gift from a wonderful fellow blogger and I am so grateful because it came at a really bad time. I know I say this a lot, but there is a reason why I prefer the blog world to any other social media outlet. You guys are the best! And thank you for not judging me on being a horrible blogger in return. I wish I had more time to go through everyone's blogs and get caught up! Maybe during fall break...but then again, I have to work double shifts at work that week, so maybe not. Ugh!

Rough weeks and potential undoings

Last week was bad all around. Work sucked (but what else is new on that front, right?). I had an English assignment I couldn't get right and programming went from third grade to masters level overnight (or so I thought). Needless to say, I debated quitting school over the weekend.

In English, we had to read an essay and then answer some questions about it. I wrote it up twice, trying to prove that we agreed that he made his point and that he showed opposing points properly (like the book was asking), but I totally disagreed and thought he failed miserably. Finally, by Friday night (I normally have my papers uploaded by mid-week at the latest), I re-wrote the entire thing a third time, basically saying what I thought instead of what I felt the book wanted me to say. Needless to say, after sending an apologetic email with the submission (which I was terrified over), I still got a perfect grade and good comments, so I guess I worried on that over nothing. Lesson learned - go with gut.

Programming was a different beast. All this third grade hand-holding has been driving me crazy and I have been complaining about it left and right...well, be careful what you wish for. I was caught up on my notes and the reading and thought I was ahead of the curve, until we actually started programming and she started talking like we've been programming our entire lives! Ummmm, this is a beginning class for those who have technically never programmed before, what the heck? Why spend weeks writing stupid algorithms for scrambling eggs and how to drive to campus and then throw us off the deep end with code? It's a language...how can you write a language you've never heard before? Luckily, by Monday, things clicked a bit better, but it didn't help my weekend any and I'm still not totally comfortable yet, not like I was.

Algebra is the prerequisite for this course, but she keeps giving us geometry problems (I totally SUCK at geometry). I've been bombing them in algorithm form, but apparently, I can do them in programming form...go figure. Apparently, she used to teach math, hence her geometry fixation. I haven't had geometry in 31 years (not since 11th grade).

To make matters worse, week before last, on a work trip, I made a pit stop at an old job, basically begging for a new job. They were not only happy to help, but got on the phones and had me several good options lined up almost immediately! I just had to go home, type up a resume, and send it in. I did do a resume, but I chickened out on the submission part, now two of the jobs are already gone. It makes sense for me to find a new job...this one is making life miserable, it's going to be impossible for me to take more than two classes per semester (and I'll never graduate this way), and this is just too stressful of a place.

But, getting a new job means a HUGE change for a comfortable Asper, I would either lose or have to buy my computer from the company (which will cost me a chunk since it's a new Macbook Pro and fully loaded), I'm in the middle of some pretty serious dental work that won't get finished, I will be between insurances for a while which could mean a med interruption which, considering some of the meds I take, could be deadly, and there is no way I could find any job that pays me what I make now.

On the other hand, my retirement is small, but enough to completely pay off my credit card debt, so even if I make less, it won't matter because all I'll need is living expense money for me and the pups. If the job is 2nd or 3rd shift, even better because I won't have to worry about working a schedule around school at all. And if it's less stressful, then yea me! I can adapt to a new workplace (especially if it's just an old one, revamped). And if it's tech related, then maybe I can learn something that might actually help with school! I can't learn anything at my current job. I'm the only tech person, so everything is set up my way and nothing changes.

A wise friend and co-worker (who just handed in her notice ironically), did remind me that, since my loans have me locked down to two classes both this semester and next anyway, wait until next year to make any real decisions about work. Maybe eventually they will back off or be nicer about things. I doubt the nicer part, but I do think they may find another "project" to focus on other than me eventually and I can fade quietly back into the walls.

So, crisis averted and I'm back in action working through more English and Programming, doing the best I can. Next Friday is my first big test in Programming and I'm terrified. I do tend to panic in a class setting more than doing homework at home. I talked to the disability office about it and they offered to change my requirements so I can take the test in their office instead. I decided to "man-up" and try it in class first to see how it goes. If I bomb it, I can only blame myself and then I'll take them in the DO from then on.

And, on the good news/bad news front...the Twi/Fifty obsession has FINALLY stopped, but now I'm in a Once Upon A Time obsession and can't stop that. If it ain't one thing, it's another with me! I've put off homework twice this week (including test studying and flashcard-making for next week) because I turned on Once first. I can't do that tonight, but I'm afraid I'm going to. Same with this weekend. I have to cram as much as possible because I don't know what next week will bring and how much studying I can do before the test, but the Once force is strong. Damn OCD! And what if I can't retain any of the information I memorize...I am old after all and the short-term memory is the first thing to go! That's my biggest fear.

Books vs Movies #4: Fifty Series

Guess you guys knew this one was coming and I'll try really hard not to dwell too much on the similarities to the Twilight series or the whole fan fiction issue (although it's probably gonna creep up once or twice).

I should give a bit of backstory here. I do read romance novels, although, if you would have asked me that question 20 years ago, I would have probably been appalled at the very fact you asked me. I didn't start reading them until after my divorce and was very anti-the-genre before then. One could argue that Jane Austen is "romance" but, in my eyes, that is CLASSIC literature and NOT up for discussion. The romance novels I do read, don't usually go in the direction of the BDSM or overtly sexual type. I am still a prude, after all. It's one of the reasons why I like young adult novels.

I didn't start with the books though, I started with the Unrated versions of the three Fifty movies and I could immediately see that scene after scene was a blatant rip-off of the Twi's (more book than movie on that front, but still), but Jamie Dornan is enough of a distraction that I tried to not dwell too much. Again, like Twi's and Kristen Stewart, I also don't like Dakota Johnson, so there is that issue to contend with. It's hard to champion for the heroine when you don't like the actress playing her.

Actually, as another side point, I don't care much for any actress period. I can count on one hand how many actresses I do like. And the ones I do like, I'm not sure if it's actually them, the kind of movies they typically do, or the actors they play against. Actors, well that list is almost endless, dominantly British, and usually not subject to change. A good smolder and I'm lost for life.

Now, I should also add I went "Unrated" movie-wise, not for the extra sex (there is no extra sex scenes in the unrated versions), just the extra scenes, period. I know this because I have since gotten the Blu-rays. It's one of those weird word plays that certain movies like to do, especially this sort of movie, to draw in their target audience. Twi's version is "Extended" versions, which are also unrated, but simply because they were created only for the BR or DVD version and not meant for theatrical release so no need for the MPA (Motion Picture Association for those non-US folks) to rate.

The Fifty movies, even though sexually heavy, are still a lot "softer" and more "romantic" than the sex in the books. I think I've become immune to Dakota's boobs because I think they are out more than they are covered. Jamie's butt, however, still makes me blush. I also don't typically watch movies with this much sexual content to them and I probably arrantly turned down the volume during certain scenes because I was afraid of what my neighbors might think (out of prudishness more than actual need to do so), so inner prude still intact.

The movies also make Ana a bit stronger and Christian a bit softer. In the books, she's a lot more of a wuss than Bella ever was and Christian is way more of a total jerk than Edward ever was. I'm not sure if they did this so that the movie-goer would like the characters better, but more on that later too.

I think it bugged me more that the movies lost two major characters (the doctor I mentioned in my last post) and Ethan, the brother to Kate, because I would have liked to see Ethan in screen form. Mia reminds me of Alice and I would have like to see her with at least a sort-of boyfriend. They kind of combined Jose and Ethan's character in the movies, and I really didn't like Jose in the books (or the movies for that matter), so that didn't (and still doesn't) sit well with me.

Even after watching the movies dozens of times, I still refused to buy the three books for as long as I could hold out. I HATE paperbacks (it's the smell of the paper and you have to be too careful so the spines don't get bent) and older printed books are hard to find in hardback (or incredibly expensive). Target had the paperbacks in a box set, but again, I was proud of myself for not buying them the first two times I went to Target after starting this movie mess. The third time I wasn't so lucky and the reason is not why you'd think.

Like Twi's unfinished Midnight Sun, there is also finished (and published) versions of the first two Fifty books from Christian's point of view (considering the publication date on those, I figure the third book will be out this November). I bought those digitally first and started with them.

From this point on, I'll refer to the original books as the "Fifty's" and the others as the "Christian's", to save space.

I also don't typically like digital books because it's hard on my eyes to read online for long periods of time, but I was intrigued because of my love of Edward's unfinished Midnight Sun (and, honestly, it was a late night decision and my OCD couldn't wait until the next day...I wanted to read them right THEN). Needless to say, I wasn't disappointed. I do typically put myself in the point of view of the lead heroine because I am female, but once that's established and I'm emotionally attached to the hero, then I want to know what he's thinking too. I felt like the movies had already did that for me.

Finishing the Christian's is what pushed me over the line and caused me to buy, not just the box set of the Fifty's, but the two Christian's in paperback as well, the last time I hit Target.

Had I read the Fifty's first before the movies, I would have never watched the movies at all and still would have been very anti-Fifty. They were whiney, too sexually repetitive, and the whole "I'll never leave you", "I love you more than anything" business got really old really fast. It almost makes me want to read them for the sole purpose of counting how many times the world "love" is used in the books (like I did with the "F" word in Die Hard 3, I can't remember now, but trust me, it was in the triple digits).

I didn't feel like I was re-reading the Twi's or re-watching those movies while I was reading the Fifty's, I only got that vibe from the Fifty movies (and it was more directed toward the Twi books, if that makes sense), although I could find correlating scenes in each movie series that were almost a match word-for-word. For example:

In Twilight, Edward saves Bella from being attacked by a group of guys and takes her out to dinner. After she questions him on how he found her and he admits he can read minds, just not hers, (although he leaves out the whole "because I'm a vampire" part), the following exchange takes place:
EDWARD: "I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore"
BELLA: "Then don't"

In Fifty Shades of Grey, after Christian prevents a drunken Jose from trying to forcibly kiss Ana (not as risky of an attack, but another attack), Christian takes her back to his hotel, cleans her up, and lets her sleep (although he sleeps beside her, a first for him...something also repeated ad nauseam in the books). After a morning discussion during breakfast (another meal) where he explains that he's not the romantic type and only has a "certain kind" of relationship (which he doesn't explain at that point...another important factual omission), she asked him why he's brought her there at all and then their exchange is as follows:
CHRISTIAN: "You're here because I'm incapable of leaving you alone"
ANA: "Then don't".

Yeah, copyright warning bells were going off left and right in my head and I actually started Googling the history of the Fifty books because I just knew there had to be major issues there. I found some of the original fan-fiction text online (it was called Master of the Universe at that point and you talk about "word-for-word"...geez!). Apparently, there isn't that much copyright stance for Stephenie Meyer to fight on (some weird loophole) and, even weirder, Stephenie doesn't care and hasn't even read those books. If someone was making millions off my work, I'd care.

Anyhoo, bookwise, the Christian's, are a whole different ball of wax and I much preferred those, but again, I was already attached to the characters by that point, so again, had I not of seen the movies first, I'm just not sure I would have touched them. But there are some pretty big continuity errors with the first book, Grey compared to Fifty Shades of Grey, which bugs me, but I try not to dwell (I dwell too much as it is). I noticed them less with Darker versus Fifty Shades Darker, so either they got a different editor, or someone did their job better. Considering Ana is a book editor for a living, it is a bit insulting to the character plot lines that the editor of Grey did such a bad job.

The Christian books make you see things from his point of view better and he doesn't seem nearly as cold and cruel...he really does love her and everything he does, even the meanest of things, he does because it's the only way he knows how to protect her (and she keeps putting herself in danger left and right...similar to Bella), but Christian's way of dealing with things is punishment to Ana whereas Edward's way is to run away thinking that protects her. Men are dumb.

So, final verdict? This is a more loaded question than the others. I wouldn't have read the books without having seen the movies and, although the books give you more story, I'm not sure I necessarily need it. The lack of the explanation of "vanilla relationship" or "Wanda" as the name of Anastasia's car doesn't make sense in the movie if you haven't read the books (and about thirty other small points like that), but again, you don't notice much...Jamie Dornan has that affect, or at least he does on me.

The Christian's I wouldn't have even known about without the movies, so I have the movies to thank, but again, I still need Jamie Dornan in my head for them to work. I still keep re-reading all the books as well as watching the movies, but I think that's more of an OCD thing than an enjoyment thing. I watch the movies WAY more than read the books whereas, with the Twi's, I read the books more than watching the movies. That may be because I watch movies and read at the same time and it's easier to distract myself with a Twi book while there is sex happening on the screen (inner prude at work).

It's an on-the-fence answer, but for now, I'm going movies. My favorite scene in the movie Fifty Shades Freed is the Aspen "chalet" (and I use that term loosely - mansion is more like it) ice cream scene in the kitchen, which I was SOOOO excited to read about in the books, but it's not there. The ice cream part takes place in book 1 and I think it was just thrown in during movie three to appease the fans after a probable backlash. That was the most disappointing part of reading those books when I got to that section and the scene took an entirely different turn, which wasn't better at all. When it read it in book one, my first thought was, "ice cream twice?", but nope. And since it's out of order sequentially (because in the books, they have already been clubbing and Ana is really drunk, but that hasn't happened yet in the movie), her giggling and drunk-acting in the movie never made sense to me since she had just woken up from a nightmare. Again, continuity errors.

I would recommend movies first and then the Fifty's, then the Christian's. I'd like to know which you preferred and try hard not to let Jamie Dornan influence your decision like I do! But choice-wise, I'm going to say movies...for now with the Christian's not far behind. The Fifty's are irrelevant now, just part of the OCD cycle.

The OCD A-Ha Moment

I finished off my first school week (and supposed work vacation) with mixed emotions and spent most of today sleeping off two Imitrex shots for my new routine "end of week" migraine.

Friday, during another social call to my English Professor (she really is extraordinary), I let slip about my little "hospital visit" and how school came out of that. I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but she is very easy to talk to. It did leave last October a bit too fresh on my brain by Friday night though. There is a reason why "everything happens for a reason" is one of my mantras.

In the middle of reading the second Fifty book while watching Eclipse on Friday night (I'm getting a bit too good at simultaneous movie-watching and book-reading), a startling realization hit me like the proverbial clacker against a gigantic brass plate.

For those who haven't read the Fifty books (I'll try not to get too spoiler-y, but this wasn't in the movies), Christian sees a shrink on a regular basis (I know, the irony, right?). Ana tells Christian she won't agree to his marriage proposal until she gets to talk to the shrink about Christian first. She has already given him the box with the keychain by this point, so it's moot, but she just needs some reassurances. Dr. Flynn tells Ana she's the reason why Christian no longer needs to dominate, because he's found his future and could stop dwelling on his past, even if Christian's still having trouble accepting that fact (there is this whole discussion about the proper therapy name for it, but it's unimportant). The good doc tells her to hang in there and keep doing what she was doing to keep Christian on the right path to "fixing" him (even though technically he isn't broken, which is what the shrink has been trying to tell him all along). It left her pretty confused, but then the whole helicopter thing happened and well, I didn't pay too close attention to the shrink stuff in the books to be honest (wonder why?).

Since Fifty is nothing but Twilight fan fiction, it didn't take me long to see the similarities with Edward only a LOT more vanilla (pardon the pun). Once Edward realized Bella wasn't dead in New Moon, he was willing to do whatever it took to keep her in his life, even if it meant he had to change how he viewed himself, the martyred demon. He also stopped seeing Bella as an innocent whose soul he was condemning to hell, but rather a partner first, the mother of his child second, and then, finally, his equal. By the end, his new-found purpose became to protect his family at all costs...his past long forgotten along with his demons.

It took me a while to catch on where I was heading myself, so I went back to Christian looking for more similarities with Edward. I tend to relate to Christian more given I'm also "fifty shades of fucked up" (although, ironically, not really that much differently, except for the BDSM part), so it made more sense that he would be the a-ha guy for me.

I have spent my ENTIRE life trying to deal with my past, dwelling on events that I had no control over. I've been trying in vain to forget, or fix, or change, or make right, or abuse, or cover up with medication, or blaa, blaa, blaa. I had a routine down, a pattern of blame were I directed anger at others (like Christian), or myself (like Edward), but three days locked in the psych ward and I'm registering for classes? No wonder I've been "what the f"ing! for months!

GGGGOOONNNNGGGG! Yep, when it finally dawned on me (again, pardon the pun), it was like someone had hit me on the side of the head with that clacker, and my head was the brass plate! My little hospital visit really was the reason why I decided to go back to school...not to torture myself or to have a "pet project" for the summer, or just to avoid my issues altogether, but to FINALLY stop dwelling on my past and focus on my future!

Given the choice though, and I feel it needs to be said, I would take Edward Cullen or Christian Grey over an education any day, but that, apparently, is not my destiny (Robert Pattinson or Jamie Dornan would also do, but again...fate hates me).

Even though I still struggle with the most basic of tasks like getting groceries, I'm able to deal with all manner of unseemly social situations on campus (although not all of them have been bad obviously) because I now understand that dwelling on the past won't make it go away and my beige/blue room of pain, via Hotel California, was my wake up call.

College is the way forward to a new life, hopefully one in a different city and state, in a better house, and maybe even, with a not-so fictional hero of my own (although I'm sure fate will have something to say about that part). I gotta go through a little pain of my own to get to the pleasure part. The dawn has broken my friends (pun intended)!

Wow, yeah, I know, I'm still in shock myself! Now I understand the pull toward these particular series, why Twilight wasn't enough (and why I just HAD to go Fifty...I needed to go "darker"). I was more worried about my stupid OCD and the subject matter to pay attention to what subconscious was screaming her angry little head off about. Now, if I could just find out where my inner goddess is hiding and and bring her out, I'd really be a new woman (god, now I'm speaking in "Ana-isms"!).

Can I stop the OCD cycle now? No, don't think so, not yet at least. I wish I could. But I don't think my OCD is done with me quite yet and, like Christian, I may have grasp the realization of my modifying situation, but I'm still afraid it could all be taken away at any moment.

Maybe, like Ana, I need a bit of "kinky fuckery" in my life to distract me for now, Then, like Bella, I can proudly claim, "I've decided on my life and I wanna start living it", only after I find a heaping dose of vampire-strengthened courage!

Oh well, time to do homework now. Just thought I'd share. Yeah, who am I kidding? I've got books to read and movies to watch! Homework can wait until tomorrow. At least I did find it hard not to write this post in the MLA format that my English Prof desires us to write in, so my head is must be shifting somewhat, right?

I'm a horrible blogger, but maybe a great student?

I have been HORRIBLE at keeping up with everyone else's blogs, a fact I hope to rectify this weekend. You guys have been so amazing and supportive for me, and I have totally sucked at checking back with you guys to see what's going on with you (and Linda, you have been in my thoughts).

Despite being on "vacation" this week, I've still managed to clock about five hours per day at work. I've also been on campus more than I will typically be, doing various side things that needed to be done (more on that in a minute). And, as much as I hate to admit it, the OCD force is still strong in this poor creature, to the point that I'm doing homework while movies of various Twilight/Fifty versions are running in the background. I think part of me knew that the OCD would not stop once school started, but I was hopeful.

On the school front, I'm a bit confused about the programming class. Day 1 was a "hi, here is the syllabus, bye", kind of day. Day 2, a supposed first day of real programming, was two assignments. Assignment one was opening notepad, typing your name, major, and programming history you have, and then uploading the doc into a program...oooh hard. Assignment two was a group project (something the disability office ASSURED me I wouldn't have to deal with), but it was a good thing because it was a frickin GEOMETRY problem (something I haven't done in 30 years), and then typing the info into notepad, emailing to each team member, and uploading the doc. Again, except for the geometry...oooh hard. I'm not sure when the actual programming comes into play, but this piddling is making me a bit nervous and worried. This is a very first grader-type class and it worries me because a) I don't like being talked to like a first grader; b) I want to actually learn something; and c) I'm paying to learn something, not just rehash something I forgot 30 years ago.

Another thing that worries me about the programming class is that it's full...of guys. There is only one other girl in the entire class. I had two guys in my group for the project, both of which were under the age of 20. One did the math, the other just sat there. I managed to figure out about 1/10 of the geometry and did the typing, although I couldn't understand guy #2's first name because he apparently can't speak louder than a mouse or in full sentences, so I had it wrong at first. When I corrected the document, I only changed it at the top and not throughout the entire thing, so I ended up having to email the instructor and explain to her that I screwed up and asked her to just dock my grade. She told me not to worry about it, so I'm not sure if that means we still got docked or what. That class is very confusing.

My meeting with my advisor didn't help much on the whole boy/girl front. He told me (after spending and exhaustive amount of time trying to talk me out of the BS for my major), that only one girl graduated in my major last year. I told him that I thought that was weird in this day and age and his response was that "girls don't like to get their hands dirty in the engineering course" and "they tend to get bored and move to different departments". I assured him I had no issue with getting my hands dirty, especially since computer hardware is what I'm best at anyway and I didn't answer the boredom question (I'm a bit worried about that myself). He just changed the subject back to software and how he just did a data mining project that helped find star distances and when I explained that was EXACTLY the kind of work I WANTED to do in the future, only with planets, I think he FINALLY understood what I was trying to accomplish. He still thinks I can graduate in three years, and he didn't like it when I laughed in his face, but oh well. He also said he had no adult students under him, so maybe he just doesn't understand full-time jobs, bills, mental illness, and trying to fit class in the middle of all that?

English Comp II, on the other hand, seems to being great (although my first paper hasn't been graded yet, so I may be jumping the gun there). I met with the Professor yesterday and I absolutely ADORE her! She is AH-MAZ-ING! I think I'm really going to learn a lot from her and hopefully it will improve my blog writing as a side-effect. I wish I would have taken her class on campus instead of online. I think I would have enjoyed her in the classroom setting. I don't like having to do discussion boards for the class though and I know I'm going to bad at that. I'm too afraid to speak my mind (because you guys know how that will get me into trouble), but it's also still graded work, so I'm also afraid not to give my honest opinion (which also gets me into trouble). Papers and reading I was expecting, but discussion boards? Ugh.

Oh well, back to work and then check in on the homework front and then back to OCD mode. Tomorrow, I'm hoping we can FINALLY program something, anything! Just don't make me work with smelly boys who can't enunciate their own names any more please!

Introducing...

May I cordially introduce Keebs...college student extraordinaire!!

After a SEVERE panic attack on Sunday (the worse I have had since leaving the "hospital" and even worse than Saturday), I decided to watch Infinity War, which has been sitting on my kitchen counter for a week. A co-worker told me how "good" it was and how much "I'd love it" and how it was "the best Avenger's movie ever". Well, he lied. He KNEW how I'd react to that ending (and I won't give you spoilers, but I started bawling five minutes in and was scream bawling by the very end). I texted him the nastiest text and he told me to watch it again because it gets better the second time...well, it DIDN'T!

Needless to say, my nerves were completely in check all day (other than the five minutes before class when I was backed into a corner and completely surrounded by smelly 19 year-olds), because all I could see was Captain America saying "oh my God" at the end of that movie.

I told my co-worker, I didn't know whether to kick him (for making me suffer like that) or hug him (for making my anxiety go away). I'm still leaning toward kicking him. Yes, Cap survived (which was my biggest fear), but still...SERIOUSLY? They better do some serious fixing in the next movie to make all this right!!

I've personally decided I'm going to have to break down and tell work to back off. The Disability Office said the same. They won't take it well. I've told them no before and they laugh me off, but this time I HAVE to mean it. If not, I have to find a new job. If school goes well, I will need to take more hours and I will need the extra time to study and go to classes. This job won't allow that, at least not for me (although they do for other people). I see that now.

We'll see how things go, but if I do good and I see I can handle this, next semester things will really have to change.

Will the chicken win out?

I've been trying every OCD trick to stay distracted. My Twilight obsession has now progressed on to Fifty Shades of Grey...a series I swore I'd NEVER touch with a ten foot pole, strictly on it's fan fiction-status alone. And yet, I'm still watching the seconds, minutes, hours, days fly by faster and faster to Monday, my first day back in college in 15 years and they are getting worse and worse with each passing moment.

I've spent the entire day reading every single Twilight book and then every single Fifty book (my reading skills are getting speedier...at least one positive outcome from all this), I've watched the Fifty movies, and now, at 10:30 pm, I'm on New Moon. Yeah, I got up REALLY early this morning (more on that in a moment) and yet, even with my eyes darting from TV to book to clock, Saturday has lasted all of 5 minutes. I can imagine Sunday will take all of one, but I also figure there will be no stop between the two days...even if I take my meds that would typically knock out a horse.

I'm not sure if I can do this whole college thing now. After all the struggles of getting back in school in the first place...the financial costs, the fighting re-taking the ACT's, the re-getting boosters I've already had, the endless meetings with counselors I didn't want to go through, yada, yada, yada, I'm starting to waver.

Don't even get me started on the hell I'm still going through on a weekly basis at work, which reached its highest crescendo Friday when I got blindsided with the news that even people who have no stake in my current, or future, position with the company are "concerned" about how school will affect my work and think "measures" should be taken and have been discussing said "measures" with senior management. Seriously people, mind your own damned business already!

Needless to say, I went to bed very late on Friday (or some might say Saturday morning) and woke up very early this morning (or some might say an hour or so later) unable to continue sleeping, hence my current predicament.

But still, as I sit here typing, my anger still not in check from Friday, my head aching from sleep depravity, my fear keeping me from doing online things that NEED to be done before Monday for school, I'm starting to wonder what would happen if I decided to NOT go back to school after all? What if I decided NOT to show up Monday or Wednesday or Friday or log in to the website again, ever (except maybe to send the loan money back)?

Am I really THAT chicken? I have been saying all this time I didn't know why I was doing this, especially since my "hospital stay" affected me so negatively in every other aspect of life...why did I push SO hard for this school mess? It didn't make sense. Maybe it was just a "project" to distract me and now the "project" is done, I don't need to actually go through with it? Is that possible?

Could I give work the satisfaction of knowing, "hey, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere and you can keep taking advantage of me as an employee all you want!"? Do I really want to live in this trailer for the rest of my life, never leaving this small town that I hate so much because I'll never make enough money to get out? Can I really continue on working for peanuts in a highly-paid job field simply because I don't have a degree? Right now, I'd say yes to every single one of those points just to be able to stay home on Monday. How sad is that?

When the time comes, when the alarm goes off Monday morning (if I manage any sleep between now and then), will I be able to open the front door at all? And even if I do actually make it out the door, into the car, and the five minutes to campus, somehow make it out of the car again, walk to class, walk in class and make it through class...who's to say I won't make it worse in my head than it actually was and never go back?

Every day will be a struggle and I've known that this entire time (obviously, because it's why I started with disability services in the first place), but I haven't dealt with that fact until now and I'm obviously not ready to deal with it now either because Edward is leaving Bella now and I have to get back to the movie (and I'll think I'll see if I can read the Fifty books while I watch the Twilight movies...double OCD whammy).

Cape San Blas off of Port St. Joe

So, just to start, here's a look at my tree as the two, mine and the ones my parents planted, are now fighting for control:

Sorry for the close proximity...I tend to find that my 35mm fixed lens tends to work better in the car for movement pics, so I was kind of locked as to position. But they are both growing back well, although not as tall as I would like.

My town at 2am...Southerner's aren't much for staying out late:

I am NOT a fan of driving in Alabama, which is odd because most people around here would say they hate and are scared of Mississippi. I actually like driving in Mississippi and feel safer there. I took the straight Alabama way so I could get there quicker instead of my usual Mississippi to coast road. But with Alabama, at least on the interstate, this is usually all I ever see:

And, if the fog does actually clear, more of the same of this:

I did see this sign...so I did get a "Twilight" moment during the trip...my favorite Cullen/Hale/Whitlock!

Another interesting side fact...I tend to pronounce Birmingham like the Brits do (because that's where Duran Duran is from, so that's how I learned to say it). Drives my Sister insane! She corrects me every single time, but I still say it the Brit way instead of the Southern way.

Alabama does not make for an exciting road trip because there is just nothing to see. Then you have to worry about when the interstate ends and you end up in the scary little towns. I'm from Northeast Arkansas, and trust me, I've seen some pretty scary places, but Alabama just isn't my cup of tea apparently. Repressed memories as kid maybe? I think my issues tend to stem with the fact that there are just less interstates in Alabama and more highways which means more small towns. I prefer the interstates. Mississippi has plenty. But anyway, I finally arrived at 1pm:

And here is what the other side looked like toward the Florida coast:

Normally, I'd walk on the beach for maybe and hour and come home. But it was so beautiful there, I ended up walking over three hours (almost 5 3/4 miles round trip) and still barely made it halfway down the cape. That's a goal for another trip. But here are a few shots of what it looked like there (oh, and some where taken with my camera, some with phone, so forgive some of the quality differences):


I got a little "wave" happy and took a lot of shots of them:

The shells there were smaller than St. George, but I still picked up WAY more than I could carry:

And after walking miles in the water with my flip flops, I actually took them off because my feet were hurting. I NEVER walk barefoot in the water because I ALWAYS get stung by jellyfish (although I always have my flip flops on when I do, so I'm not sure why I think flip flops are going to save me, but there's also glass and needles and god knows what in the sand, so maybe that's why, but still). So here is the first EVER picture of me BAREFOOT in the ocean!

A little know fact about me is, as much as I love the ocean, I HATE walking in sand. Sand at the water level is fine to walk in, but getting through that dry stuff makes my skin crawl. My Sister thinks this is hilarious, I don't. Because I'm a "bigger" girl, I tend to sink and it's just hard to walk through it (plus, I just hate the feeling of it). The wet sand, however, is different (yes, I already know I'm weird). Once I get to the water, I rarely stray from the wet sand until it's time to leave and I walk super-fast through the dry stuff. But here is me flying through the dry stuff:

When I was a kid (and a budding artist), I used to draw bubbles all the time, so I also found myself taking a lot of pictures of bubbles:

There were also several tide pools...the first I think I've ever seen:

And, it's hard to tell, but there were fish in them! I was going to walk in one until I saw the fish and then I didn't.

I also thought the sand patterns at the edge of the pools was neat, but that might just be that repressed artist in me seeing beauty in something weird:

When I realized I was never going to make it to the end of the cape and I turned around, but stupid me forgot to actually take a picture of what cape was left...you can sort of tell from this pic, but not by much...those tiny little black specs are people:

I literally followed this bird all the way back to the parking lot:

The only jellyfish I saw and I didn't step anywhere near it:

I was never so happy to see a walkway back to a parking lot in my entire life! I was sore, sunburnt, and knew I was going to get home VERY late, but it was so totally worth it! What a beautiful place!

I also love lighthouses, but their's was pretty pitiful:

And then I made the biggest mistake of all...I started home via Hwy 98, a road I know like the back of my hand since it's a coast road because I didn't want to navigate Alabama in the dark. Yeah, coast road, end of summer, Saturday night. Stupid. I went as far as I could until I got to the first I10 exit. The thing about I10 is that it is ALWAYS got red sections because of deadly wrecks and it's backed up for miles. For some reason, the gods much have been smiling on me because it stayed green all the way to Biloxi. I managed to make it to Wentzels for my Eggplant La Rossa to go (my favorite dish) before the closed and headed home my usual Gulfport way through Hattiesburg, Jackson and back through Memphis.

All in all, I left at 2am-ish on Saturday morning, got to St. Joe at 1pm (but there was a time change, so that affected things), left there at 4pm, and pulled into my drive at 5:08am on Sunday morning. 1378 miles, so not bad! I will definitely be going back there again...when I figure out how I'm going to manage this whole school thing that is! I'd actually like to go up there and stay a couple of days so I can actually walk that entire cape. That's my goal! Oh, and here's the link to the entire album of pictures.

Oh yeah, and the shell haul this time:

Have NO CLUE what I'm going to do with them...they won't fit in my shell jar unless I remove the gulf sand that I made a special trip just to get. So, for now at least, on my kitchen counter they live (or stay dead...you say potato...).

I did it!

Well, I don't have a Books vs Movies post this week because I went to the coast this week...by MYSELF!! It's the first time I've done that since my "hospital" stay and I had the best time ever! I went to Port St. Joe and down to Cape San Blas.

It was also the last so-called port of call of the Gulf that I've not been to. From Bay St. Louis to Alligator Point, there is no where else on the Gulf coast plate that I can go via car that I haven't already been to at least once in my life. That's both sad and rather gratifying. I guess, since some of those places I went as a kid with adults might not count (like Alligator Point), I could revisit as an adult alone, but still, the entire gulf has been covered now. I will say, Cape San Blas is now my new favorite place though. It was beautiful and serene and I felt more peaceful there than I have in a very long time, so maybe I've finally found that perfect "get away".

Pictures will follow (whenever I get around to getting them edited and uploaded), but needless to say, I stayed there for three hours walking the beach, picking up shells, and just generally enjoying life, something I don't do enough.

Slowly, but surely, I'm getting back to being me again...which I guess is good, considering that this is my last real week before school starts next week!

Books vs Movies #3: Harry Potter

This one will be short and sweet, just because I think this one is a no-brainer, but maybe you guys can offer me a different opinion. I should also say that I'm only talking about the first seven books and the first eight movies...I haven't seen or read any since (I'm a bit afraid of stirring up another old obsession, which is why I haven't bought any of the new series).

There will NEVER been an ensemble cast like there was in these movies...honestly, it was the best of the best of British actors. Even the ones with tiny roles (like David Tennant or Robert Pattinson...nudge nudge) managed to explode on the screen, and hold their own even with the amazing genius that will forever be Alan Rickman. I think the movies would be too hard for me to watch now because of Alan's loss and I kind of hate that.

But...and, here it comes, even as fabulous as the movies are, they can't even come close to comparing to the books. There is just too information left out of the movies from the books and I feel like I'm probably more attached to the actors in the movies more than I am to the characters in the books. They are almost like two separate worlds to me.

I always felt like the first books reads like a "first novel" in that it's a bit too simple and I'm not a fan of Chamber of Secrets in either form (but it's needed to progress the story, so I deal with it), but the complexity she hits by The Deathly Hallows, her writing has matured so much that you no longer feel like you're reading youth fiction. It's like you grow with the novels like she (and her characters) did and I admire that. I can't say I've ever been so completely lost in a book series before or since in my entire life (and no, I can't compare it to Twilight because that's more of an obsessive thing than an actual "enjoyment" kind of thing...two different beasts, but yes, I'm still neck-deep in that mess too, damn it).

The Potters are truly amazing books and I tend to gasp audibly when people tell me they've seen the movies but never read the books because they are missing so much of the story. Then again, I also find that people who watch movies like this (serials) aren't often readers anyway and, a lot of the time, it's the same way the opposite...if they read the books, they often never see the movies. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm more of the "give it to me in any form you can" kind of person...books, movies, soundtracks, toys (or rather, collectibles I guess I should say), documentaries, podcasts, etc (just not fan fiction, ha!). Maybe that's because of the OCD though. Sometimes I'm unsure what is "normal" behavior and what is just me being "me".

What do you guys think? Books or movies or both or even neither?

Books vs Movies #2: A Walk To Remember

When I initially said that 90% of the time, I prefer the books to the movies, I thought I meant it, but considering my first choice of topics was Twilight and, at least this go-round, I prefer the movies to the books, it got me to thinking about all the movies I prefer over the books, and I did come up with quite a list, so I guess it's easy to say which direction this post is going to fall pretty quickly.

I should probably also start by saying I despise Nicholas Sparks. I am a romantic that likes happy endings and that man likes to give you the best love story ever, and then kill one of them off. It's sadistic. I know he has a lot of fans, but I just don't get it. There are two movies of his I own...obviously I ADORE A Walk To Remember, but I also like the The Notebook (which I won't watch past a certain point towards the end...I'm sure those who have seen it know which part I mean, but I also don't watch it much anyway, it's just too hard). I just can't deal.

When it comes to AWTR, I've always been a Mandy Moore fan (both as an actor and as a musician), but I'm also a massive Shane West fan and I might be the only person in the world who thinks that his generation of ER is the best (in the same regard...he's a musician too, so I love that aspect of him as well, although he doesn't sing much). These two have more chemistry than almost any on screen couple I have ever seen. Part of me has always wished that they would get together in real life. I think they would make a great couple, but I digress.

When I first saw the movie, I didn't know it was a Nicholas Sparks movie, so the ending about killed me (and I don't think I'm ruining it for anyone...just by saying "it's a Nicholas Sparks" means someone dies and everyone knows that, right?). Once I knew it, I was mad at myself for falling in the trap, but I was already hooked and couldn't stop watching it. I also own the soundtrack, which is amazing and it contains Mandy's songs from the movie and a song from Shane's band.

It should also add that it's an older movie...in the early 2000's I think. I didn't see it at the theater, but right when it came out on pay services (HBO and the like), so I bought the DVD immediately (and have since had to replace it from wearing it out), which means I've been a fan of this movie for a long time, at least almost 20 years maybe.

It was several years after the movie that I finally broke down and got the book. The story is based on the true story of Nicholas's sister. The book and the movie are NOTHING alike, set in two different time periods, the characters aren't nearly as likable (I couldn't even picture Shane in the role, different time or not), and I just found it uncomfortable to read and don't get me started on the ending...I would have screamed if they did that in the movie. I did finish it, but I never picked it up again. The movie, however, gets picked up several times a year when I'm feeling nostalgic for Shane.

Over time, I've learned to notice if a movie is based on a Sparks book, whether or not it says so or, if in doubt, I will IMDB it first, because I refuse to fall into that trap again. I'm a Disney girl, happy endings come with the package, but I would say AWTR is the one exception. I don't feel the need to watch The Notebook anymore. I think I liked the idea of Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in real life more than the actual movie.

As a bonus, here's a video of one of my favorite songs from the movie, which Shane was kind enough to star in. Normally, I wouldn't go for this sort of thing, because it's kind of fan fiction...it's set after the movie is done and his character trying to have a normal life without her, but she's still in his every thought. I liked the idea of that, that he never let her go (like the character OBVIOUSLY does in the book...ugh...bad memories stirring). You can also tell the age because they both look so young, but I still love it.

Surprise college call/maybe not so happy ending?

In my whole application process with disability services, I had to apply for tutoring services as well. I didn't want to, but I had no choice. It required tax information as well as an autobiographical statement (that was supposed to be 100 words or less, mine was over 700...I'm 47, what did they expect?), so it took me a while to get it together, but once I did, I had to take it to a location I wasn't fond of...the library. I remember when they built the "new" library (that is now 25 or so years old), and I didn't like going in it then, it has bad juju vibes, but I digress. When I took the app up there, I got lost, had to ask someone for directions, still got lost, had to ask someone else who ended up manually walking me to the door, so by the time I got out of there, I was near panic attack mode. That was the closest I've come to a full-blown panic attack through this entire process.

That was back in March or so and I never heard anything from them, so I figured I wasn't eligible for tutoring services and just let it drop. I don't work well with others anyway, but I did get to thinking about my past ways of studying. I never really "had" to study, it just came naturally. I never tried when I was a kid and still managed to get good grades. I guess it was a gift. But now that I'm so old, I don't think it's a gift I possess anymore, so I did start to wonder if maybe tutoring might not be such a bad idea (or at least a few YouTube courses on how to study).

Last week, I got a call from tutoring services. They had misplaced my application and had just found it. Apparently, my autobiographical statement was so "profound" (their words, not mine), they ALL wanted to meet me. Great, just what an anti-social person needs, to sit facing an entire board room full of people. They wanted me to come in immediately, but I told them I needed a week to prepare. Today was the day of my meeting.

What was supposed to be an hour meeting, took over an hour and half. They grilled me about my entire life, family, mental issues, school, etc. They are apparently really excited to help me and want to sign me up for all kinds of stuff, but it scares me. I work alone. Granted, whether or not I can learn to study is one thing, but to actually be tutored? I'm not sure I'm built for that. They were also jazzed about my future plans and they loved the fact that I wanted to take things slow and even take remedial classes if need be (or take Folklore just for the heck of it).

Apparently, despite my never making eye contact, speaking a thousand miles an hour, constantly twisting my hands, and going off on random tangents, only made them more interested in me. Go figure! Technically, due to my income, I'm not really even eligible for the program, but they are putting me in the program anyway because they want to make sure I graduate. I'm not sure why they care.

They did say that they didn't think a BS in Computer Science is the right path for me (although they didn't give me a good reason why and I'm beginning to wonder if it's because they didn't think I was smart enough). They loved that I had numerous other options already planned out in my mind but, considering I haven't even started yet, that was discouraging. I left there more exhausted and mentally drained more than excited (as I probably should have been). I'm still so jumbled that I'm not sure what entirely happened.

While I was at school, I did get my ID, the almost final piece of the puzzle, but I ended up getting a "warning ticket" because my temporary parking display was partially blocked by my work sticker and they couldn't scan the barcode...yeah, they seriously gave me a ticket for that. I caught the guy, asked him if he wanted to scan it and showed him how he could lean over the car and do it and still get the bar code, but he just went "it's only a warning", like, if I didn't shut up, he would give me a real ticket, so I just did because I was tired. Otherwise, I would have had campus security out there in a heartbeat with me screaming bloody murder. I don't take too kindly to things like that. Dick.

Obsessions - A Postscript

Obviously, I haven't even come close to running the course of this particular obsession yet (dag-nab-it). In an effort to change things up so that I'm not repeating the same behaviors (at least I have given up on looking for the ticket stubs...they will surface again, probably during the next wave), this weekend I watched the movies in French, watched the DVD's with all the special features including the commentary (which I HATE because I can't stand talking over a movie, but then I decided that my new TV is too good for DVDs, so I ended up ordering the Blu-Rays, thus, spending more money...again), and I started reading the books out loud. Funnily enough, I can read all six in a day easily, but out loud, I barely made it through the first three (and by three, I'm counting Midnight Sun in there, so basically two and a half). I found that interesting.

I used to read Austen out loud to Zander all the time because either he loved my horrible fake British accent, or he just loved hearing his mommie talk. But when he passed, I never did that again with Zach or Bam or Bugs. It was a Zander and me thing. But Bam, who is remarkably like Zander in a lot of ways, sat there like a child listening to their favorite book, eyes wide the entire time! Today, my throat is actually sore, but I have the feeling I won't be able to not finish reading them to him now. I even caught myself doing voice inflections and accents for characters, which would make him tilt his head like he understood. Bugs was unimpressed and slept through it all. I'm sure Bam just likes to hear me talk, but that stupid obsessive part of me wants to think I've created a Twilight fan out of my dog. Yep...I'm completely bonkers!

Oh, and yes, I found some cross stitch patterns of Twilight and a Supernatural one (and bought them...more money gone) from WitchyKitt Designs, so maybe I'll start stitching again! I still need to get thread for my Snow and Charming piece, so I'll pick one of these to start too...maybe (probably the half-faced Edward one, if I had to guess):