Since when did getting a vaccine become a hot button issue?

Being in the healthcare industry, although low down on the "essential healthcare workers totem pole", it made me eligible for the vaccine waiting list. I figured it would be a couple of weeks, if not a month or two before I would be called up, but I literally got a call within 20 minutes of signing up! Apparently, the essential, essential workers are all either too scared of the vaccine, or have political beliefs that make them (and yes, I'm going here, this is, after all, a very dominant red state), too stupid to take it. Oh well, better for us further down the lines and it keeps the current batches from expiring without being used.

Today was my day. I made sure to let them know I was allergic to the flu shot, had asthma, etc, etc. They kept me an extra amount of time to watch me, but I had no reaction whatsoever! It was a VERY tiny needle, didn't hurt at all and, at least so far, I have no reactions other than I feel a bit sleepy (and almost feel a bit drunk). The side effects may change over the next couple of days, but I'll watch closely. In 21 days, I'll go back for my second dose.

Even in my own working environment, there are people who are refusing to get it for the stupidest of reasons, and it's just sad. But at the same time, I can't feel sorry for them. Our State has decided essential healthcare workers first, then I figure they'll move down to nursing homes, prisons, schools, and the general public. I don't necessarily think our State got a lot of the vaccine, I think it's just a large number of people are refusing it, which is just sad and stupid. Every state is going to be different, so please check your CDC guidelines for your state to see when you will be eligible and find out where you can get it.

I'm hoping, the more people that do get it, it will change the minds of the naysayers and they will start to wake up a bit. Or at least, when it gets to the point when you can't get in anywhere without your vaccination card, that might start to change people's minds (or cause more riots...a total issue I could see happening around here).

Needless to say, if you are given the chance in your state or country to get it, PLEASE do! Obviously, consider your allergies and take appropriate precautions, but I think the side effects of the vaccine far outweigh the harm that the virus itself does! Yes, being allergic to the flu shot made me afraid of this, I'm not going to lie, especially since it's the binding agent that I'm allergic to (and all COVID vaccines, at least so far, have this same binding agent). But I don't fear being microchipped (don't get me started on that rant again), I'm not afraid of some big government conspiracy to track (or poison) us all, and I certainly (obviously) can't be too worried about the long-term ramifications about the short-term testing of this. I think, considering I drink diet soda fifteen times a day, I'm obviously not too scared by what goes in my body (and I'm old enough to realize I don't have a lot of life left anyway).

OK, enough PSA'ing for today! Sign up, get in line, and let's stop this stupid virus before more people die!

I'm tryin...but don't get me to lyin...

Yes, I actually stitched yesterday! And not just for two hours either, almost ALL day! Granted, it was very slow going, but at least it was something. Now, my "brain" says that I'm going to go home early every day this week and continue on, but I know my "body" probably will leave late and sit on the couch and do nothing. I will fight that urge though and see how far she goes before the end of the year.

I did switch out Alice and the B's, because I definitely wasn't feeling them, so I picked up Snow White, my least favorite fabric'ed project in my entire collection, but one of my favorite (and oldest) patterns in rotation. I left off on her here last January (damn!):

And, on Sunday, like I said, didn't get very far, but at least this far with some more hair and outside work:

If I can continue on, the goal is to get more into her face before the end of the year. I need to do a final tally at my paultry work for the year, and then put on a positive attitude for next year and hope for a much better outcome! I'm still sticking to my "no new pieces until at least ONE is finished", but I'm getting antsy.

Reflections, Regrets and Hopes

I'm not going to TTT this one because it's not directly therapy-related but, in case I don't have a chance before the new year, I just wanted to look back a bit at the crap-show that was 2020 as briefly as I can and hopefully put out good vibes for 2021 (damn that useless hope gene of mine).

I didn't stitch as much as I wanted to (obviously). There were days at work it was all I thought about, but by the time I got home, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Before Hotel Calfornia, my brain would go silent when I stitched. I could have the TV on in the background and just focus on the pattern and my hand movements while I watched the TV. But this year more than the past three, my brain just won't shut the hell up! I have stitched, but rarely ever, and usually only for a couple of hours at a time. I hope to do better next year, but no promises. I told the therapist this is a priority for me. I need my stitchy mojo back.

I didn't make a gingerbread house this year either for Christmas. I've done it for the past several years as both positive vibes to "manifest" the house as well as motivation to work towards paying off my cards so I can actually afford to build the house. Now though, I think I'm realizing that that dream might be further out of my reach than I thought. This year, I just didn't see the point because it's not in the immediate future. My Brother-in-law has decided to not continue on with his subdivision, so I would have to find somewhere else to build, even with their string-pulling to get it built at cost. It takes the certainty out of it for me at least knowing my location is not set (although it does open me up to lesser restrictions that the subdivision was going to have that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to afford).

Plus, some people eat when they are depressed, I spend money. Let's just say I've been buying a LOT of crap lately. I still wouldn't say I'm "depressed" per se, but I'm not very happy obviously because my debt has not decreased in the past year, just fluctuated up and down. Maybe next year I'll try again to control myself better. I still have to years worth of debt to pay down, let alone the money I would have to save for a downpayment.

But speaking of eating, for some reason, I've also never been a holiday over-eater (I don't even like holiday foods!), but I've been eating non-stop since practically Thanksgiving and it's definitely showing on my waistline! I have to fix that. I've always been a not-eat-all-day and over-eat-at-night kind of person. Lately though, it's been snacking all day and still over-eating all night. When there was a Coke Zero shortage, I was cutting back and was trying to wean myself off completely. Yeah, that didn't work. I managed to drop down, but once I could get them again, I just doubled up. I did, however, quit drinking Red Bull, so proud of myself for that! It just got WAY to expensive!

Now that I have new tires, I could technically take a road trip, but again, I can barely leave my house right now, so no road trips. Another thing I have to work on. I do want to start a YouTube Channel. You guys know this...me trying to get out and see things, an Asper travelling. But I have to be able to go places first before I can fight with myself about getting out of the car to see things. Plus, I need a new camera (which costs money, LOTS of money). There are skills I need to know about editing, design, etc...things I keep talking about, but things I don't really move on. A chore for next year, actually DO something, no matter how small!

I'm going to continue on with my therapy, as much as I hate it. To top it off, all my January appointments are BEFORE I go to work, which means I have to get up early! I tried to warn her I am NOT a morning person, but it was getting too complicated to leave early to get prepared (and it was making my boss mad because I couldn't go back to work afterwards because I was too upset). 8 am is my only option. Yea me. But if I want to get back to stitching, get a handle on my spending, be able to leave the house, etc, etc...therapy is a necessary evil (or it will make me worse, it's always 50/50 for me).

Last year I didn't do New Year's Resolutions, and we see how THAT turned out, so the above will, I guess, be my resolutions for 2021. Here's hoping that all of you have a MUCH better year than 2020 and for my final resolution, I'm going to make it a point to be a better blog reader again! I have never been good at commenting, but I've always been a good reader, until this year. I plan on remedying that for next year.

Thanks to everyone for your support and your extremely kind words! You guys have been there for me in ways that people directly around me haven't been and I will be eternally grateful! I'm wishing all of you the most wonderful 2021 ever! Stay safe, stay strong, and stay amazing!

TTT-Loving (or hating) oneself...a new ponder

Firstly, I'm obviously still going to post cross stitch stuff (whenever I stitch, which seems to be getting less and less...I'm TRYING to work on that too with the therapist), but I've kind of decided to take my blog in a bit of a different direction, at least for a while. I've decided to share some of my trauma therapy tidbits with you guys. Obviously, I get it if you don't want to read or comment, you don't have to. Some of this might be too personal for the faint of heart, or you just might not care (and god forbid if the people mentioned below read this, I'll never hear the end of it!). I'm not going to share everything we deal with (that would be Harry Potter-esque), but when important area of interest comes up, I think this could be cathardic. Besides, you guys know me, there isn't much of my life I haven't blurted out over the years here, so I don't have many secrets left anyway. I will start each post with a TTT (Trauma Therapy Tidbits), to help you ignore it if you want.

So, let's dig in! A million times in my life I've heard the phrase, "you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first". But I've never pondered too deep into the question myself until trauma therapy last Thursday. First, she asked if I hated myself, to which I answered (obviously too quickly...thanks Hotel California!), "no, I don't think I do". Then she asked if I loved myself. That question was harder and threw me more off guard. I suddenly realized I don't think of myself in love/hate or any other form of endearment, I don't analyze myself externally because I don't actually think of myself at all and don't even consider myself a person, which was a weird brain explosion. And then we were off down another rabbit hole (I sure seem to be digging down a lot of those lately). She wanted me to explain why I thought that and, even after everything she and I discussed, I've been digging even deeper since.

Obviously, going into every single highlight we went through would be ridiculous. We hit on about 15 of my major traumas since birth, but since I have hundreds more, it was kind of a moot point. She did validate one thing that NO ONE has ever "officially" validated for me before...I'm a very traumatized little girl, and not just because of Hotel California. I thought that maybe it was all just in my head, or maybe I had all been blowing it out of porportion all these years, but nope, she was pretty adamant about it. It was kind of nice to hear from a professional, although I'm not sure it changes anything.

With everything discussed, it was determined that I was raised to not be important, to always be secondary to someone else, to never be able to have a support system, or to be able to rely on others, to only be used as a tool or an abuse doll, or being ignored altogether, hence my conclusion that I couldn't see myself as a lovable person, but an object, devoid of self love. I never had the chance to form an opinion of myself because of my childhood and most of my adulthood. And, why would I even bother now? It wouldn't matter anyway. If I had done, it probably wouldn't have been a good one, so it's probably best I didn't. Going back to that annoying phrase I mentioned at the beginning, why would I want someone to love me in the first place? I couldn't trust them, couldn't count on them, couldn't even believe they actually loved me, so why even mess with loving myself and setting myself up in the first place?

Once I came to that mind-blower, my therapist seemed a bit too gleeful, like she broke a wall or something. I was just kind of, "huh, well, didn't realize that, but OK, makes sense". She rambled on and on about how much progress that was, but again, I didn't get it. I knew almost all of this, I just may have not put a couple of the puzzle pieces in, but those one or two pieces still don't matter. They don't change things for me. Yes, I was a VERY traumatized little girl, so what? No matter what trauma I can dig up that caused a specific behavioral issue, it's all something I've accepted because I can't change it or fix the damage done, nor am I the type than can forgive and forget. I can just live with it and use it to protect myself in the future, end of story. They were lessons, very painful ones, but they had a specific cause and effect that serves a very strengthening purpose today.

So, when she starts in with "now we can work on fixing it", I instantly started with "whoa horsey, let's just wait a minute there!". Every single thing that has happened to me has helped to make me able to be a functioning Autistic (see, I used "the" word!) because I do have that hardened outer shell. Sure, the OCD and other initialed diagnoses help, but it's this scar tissue that makes me who I am. Besides at 50, it's not something I'm willing to change about myself, so we may have already hit an impasse with treatment if she wants to start cutting away scar tissue. I like those scars, thank you very much!

When she started in with "do you want to be loved and do you want to love yourself?". That was easier to answer. No, I don't think I want to be loved. I have literally been betrayed (often in very damaging ways) by every single person I've ever known. Literally, when your own parents ruin you, you're pretty much screwed for life, let alone everyone else. I couldn't trust someone enough to give them the benefit of the doubt. I would just be waiting for the let down. Her question to that was, "but what if they weren't going to let you down?", to which my answer was, "but I would always be expecting it and would probably inadvertently cause it just from that". And she said, "yes, you are right because you have to love yourself first, so do you think you can love yourself, because you didn't answer that one?". I still didn't answer her because I changed the subject. I have the feeling, at least next session, she will bring it up again.

I also discovered that my penchant for dropping people like old trash when I've had enough or they've pushed me too far and never giving them a second glance is a trauma response. I didn't know that. That's a personality quirk I'm probably most proud of today. Instead of getting hurt, I can walk away clean slate, no muss, no fuss. If they get hurt, well, they shouldn't have pushed me too far. That's their fault, not mine. But that was also a new factoid, and I think I was more fascinated by that, than the fact that I didn't love (or hate) myself. My personal opinion of me doesn't matter in the overall scheme of "me". It's probably why I could care less what others think of me either.

Is that odd? That I don't think I need (or even want) to love myself or even think about myself in terms of love and hate? Have you guys ever really thought DEEP about that concept? What do you think about it? Obviously, I don't want you guys to dwell on my supposed "pitiful childhood filled with horrible and unthinkable traumas" (she actually used that phrase...I was kind of like, "bitch, please! I'm lucky I survived the season finales of Once and Agents of Shield, those two things had more heart strings pulled than any of the above"). I don't want or need pity, I think I'm past it at this point anyway. That hurt little girl is LONG gone now and beyond saving. I don't want to save her, but maybe it would be worth letting her go and creating a new little girl? What about that idea? But do I want to risk a new life of more hurt and betrayal? I'm obviously hard-wired for it. Give it to me guys!

Spam phone calls can be fun, who knew?

Today at work, my phone went off for the umptenth time with a spam call. As per usual, I just stopped the ringer, but this location caught my eye...Osawatomie, Kansas. I was all like, "Seriously? Is that a real place?". So, I Google mapped the town and it WAS! Not only that, but it's where John Brown is from! Being from the South (and being old), there was a VERY racist song that was, for some reason, very acceptable to teach kids in the 70's, so that song IMMEDIATELY popped in my head when I saw the words "John Brown" and I could NOT get it out. I was mad at myself then. I just had to remind myself that Osawatomie sounds like Pasamaquadie from Pete's Dragon and remember that song, and I was good (although typing it now, here we go again).

But I glanced up to the top of the town and I saw Asylum Bridge and my brain suddenly got all excited! I have seen this on YouTube hundreds of times! Urban explorers LOVE that place, but they don't talk about its history (usually because they are either too busy trying to break into it, or are too busy trying to keep from dying when they get in it). Then I decided to figure out where the bridge actually led.

Suddenly my brain was TOTALLY blown...above that was this MASSIVE complex called "United States Postal Service State Hospital". It looked like either a prison or a mental hospital. So, I Googled it and it WAS a mental hospital! Not only that, but apparently there are more than one across the US...the US Postal Service had their own mental hospitals...really? Does the US Postal Service REALLY have that big of an issue? I know "going postal" is a phrase, but have there been enough cases of workers going "postal" they needed to open massive hospital complexes across the country?

Now, from what I could tell, it's called the Osawatomie State Hospital, but more Googling revealed it's on a list of the 10 most haunted asylums! How do I, the QUEEN of haunted asylums, not know about this place! If anyone if from this area or knows about it...fill me in please!

I tried to get closer on Google maps to see it better, but I couldn't, so I used street view to see if I could see it from the main road, which I also couldn't. But get this...the main road that circles this massive hospital complex, is a BRICK ROAD...A BRICK ROAD IN KANSAS! You can't make this up people! Seriously! Granted, they are red brick and not yellow, but still, bloody brilliant! I just have to repeat it one more time because it's like the coolest thing ever...there is a brick road surrounding a massive mental hospital complex in Kansas! Classic! If you follow the Once Upon A Time storyline, I can only imagine it could be the asylum that Dorothy's family locked her up in after her trip to Oz...maybe the Oz yellow brick road turns red in Kansas?

On top of that (yes, the story get's better), for the past couple of years, I've been planning a day trip to Lawrence, KS (the fictional birth home of the Winchester Brothers from Supernatural) and Stull Cemetery where is a supposed devil's gate. But the last time I looked at it, I also found that Lebanon, KS (the fictional home of the Winchester's Men of Letters Bunker) is extremely close to the very real geographic center of the United States, and it would make my day trip a two-day trip. So, here's the additional kicker, since Osawatomie is so interesting, I decided to zoom out and see where it was in relation to these other places, and it's (as the crow flies) on the way to Lawrence! Yet another stop I could easily make on this trip!

Who knew that a spam call (that I didn't even answer) would end up being a massive Google maps rabbit hole that is now part of a fabulous potential road trip (if I can ever leave my house again). And if I do start a YouTube Channel, what a video THAT will make! So thanks random annoying spam caller for making a pretty crappy week (month, year, couple of years), a pretty nice reprieve of a Google rabbit hole of an educational day!

Trauma therapy SUCKS!

Seriously, the WORST therapy I have ever done and, unfortunately, now I'm so screwed up, I have to keep doing it now! UGH! Next time I even mention the idea of therapy, one of you guys drive to my house and just shoot me!! Thankfully, my insurance is going to cover more of it than I thought, so I might get more sessions than I thought I would. Now I have to decide whether to continue on with the Asper girl, or let that one go. She has made a massive mess after all.

My brain is just so fried from that trauma session. This girl at least read my previous notes and was prepared, but the only thing I really got out of it was, "well, you have been so high functioning your entire life when you are NOT a high-functioning Asper, and technically, you need to get used to calling yourself Autistic, since that is what you technically are, so if you're unable to keep up the facade of normalcy anymore, then that's OK because you shouldn't be able to do 90% of what you are doing...it's amazing in itself!". Uh, thanks?

I'm not sure if she meant that I needed to give up and file for disability, or if she was saying that I can function way above my level and I can get back to that again if we work on it. It wasn't "new" news and others have said it to me before and I've always taken it as a compliment, but never a professional and I kind of took hers as an insult. So, it was validation in a way that a professional recognized it, but disheartening too because she didn't say it in a positive light. I don't know how to describe it. And yes, I KNOW I need to get used to calling myself Autistic, I just can't bring myself to do it. There is just too much stigma with that word for me.

She has an Asper son who is apparently at a lower level than I am and he's also apparently pretty non-functioning even at that lower level. I was just raised in a different time. Today's kids are "allowed" to be what they are. I wasn't. It was beat into my head that I had to appear normal, NO ONE can know I'm "different", so it's in my make-up. That's a whole other debate. Part of me thinks if I can do it, so can they, but the methods that got me here weren't fair or even good parenting, so I could argue that point too. It's an issue for me both ways and I'm resentful on both sides...mad that the kids today get away with everything "because they can't help it" when I can't get away with anything "because I'm so high functioning", and mad with my parents for not taking care of me as a kid and getting me proper help.

To change the subject and speaking of money, $1245.65 later, I now I have a working vehicle again. Good thing I didn't spend that stimulus check! I did seriously debate using the money to just put down on a new one (especially since the sales staff kept harassing the heck out of me because I have less than 50,000 miles on mine and it's a 2013 and, other than needing a new belt, battery and tires, it's in really good shape), but in the end, I just don't want a car payment again.

But now that my vehicle is fixed, I can't use the tire excuse as a reason for not going to the coast now...I have to find another excuse (although Covid is still a VERY valid one for me, if not for our States in this area).

And, on that front, my Sister is back and work now and doing much better, as is my Brother-In-Law. Thanks to everyone for your very kind words and well wishes! We've had more Covid cases at work, but (and dare I say unfortunately), they are the worst denier-types and they've had the mildest of cases. Here's my mean streak coming out...those are the types I wish would get it bad...they NEED to understand. They just come back with "I don't get what the big deal is?", while the death toll grows every day. Idiots. As long as they don't pass it to the "good" people, I guess that's all that matters.

I think I'm just gonna zone out now. My brain hurts and even my heart hurts (and that doesn't happen often). Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Pouring rain and all that...

Last night, when I left work super early (because everyone and everything was pissing me off to the point I couldn't function), my car took a while to start. That's new. After I got home, I waited about four hours, went outside and it started right up, so I just figured maybe my keys were just buried too deep in my numerous coat pockets (because it's 30 degrees here and I HATE the cold!).

But this morning, same thing, only worse. So, despite the fact that I already had one doctor texting me from the hospital (that I can't go to because of my personal issues that very few are aware of) that he's having issues and he wants me to go over there first (and today is my intern's day off, so I couldn't send him), I decided, instead, to drive my vehicle to the dealership. My rationale (purely self-serving) was that, if I did go to that hospital, I could get stuck in the parking lot and it wouldn't start at all, and then I would have to get a tow truck, which I DEFINITELY couldn't afford.

I texted him from the dealership that I couldn't come to the hospital because my car was giving me issues and I was there...fortunately, his "desperate" problem had "miraculously" fixed itself by that point. Ironic that.

Unfortunately, my issues were just beginning. I need a new battery and a belt (about $400), it was WAY past time for an oil change (another $50) and yes, their brand new service manager let me know that I could no longer drive on my bald tires (which last time...when I had the money to buy new tires...now I don't really...they told me my tires were fine even though I KNEW they weren't). Despite him offering to install them for free and give me at least one cheaper, although not the other three...another $800 to $1000, depending on the tires in stock. Since this guy was new, I pretty much UNLOADED on him. Telling him my YEARS of grievances with the dealership and all the hardships I've had to deal with.

I think (although I'm not real sure, my temper was busting through my head), he's giving me super discounts because of all my bad issues, but it's still going to be about $1200, pretty. much draining about half my savings. Again, yeah me. Just what I needed on top of all this expensive therapy on the horizon.

But this post is about what little stitching I did last week, since I did promise that. I left off here last time:

And again, not much to report (although this was about 4 hours instead of my usual 2, and at least I wasn't too lazy to pull the needle through, so progress!). Most of it's in Cindy's arms, so it's hard to tell, but it was a lot of coverage:

So now, I'm just waiting to hear back the final verdict on how much my total for my car is going to cost and it better purr like a kitten when I get it back! At least I don't have anywhere else to go this week, just that event alone has shot my public appearances for the rest of the week and makes me want to call in sick tomorrow but, unfortunately, I can't. I have new tires to pay for. Another reason to not go on disability I guess. I wouldn't be able to afford vehicle repairs, I'd just be without transportation and this isn't a public transpo town (we barely have taxi's and, if we have Uber's, I'd be completely surprised...let alone the fact I couldn't afford that either on disability).