Weekly Stitching and yet more ranting

Yet another week of not getting done what I wanted to. I left off on Alice and the B's here:

And I'm STILL dealing with Alice's hair, although I've been trying to distract myself with her massive forehead:

And now the ranting shall begin, so you can just stop here...it won't hurt my feelings.

Once Upon A Time is getting better...without giving anything away, I now understand why Hook wasn't "right" in that first episode and I'm OK with it now. I'm still binge-watching the original though. I need a bit of mind-numbing happiness right now and since I can't take the meds that do it), then I'll take it where I can get it and since I'm a prudish good girl (dammit), I have to do it with TV.

I'm having a lot of issues with people not understanding what I'm going through and why I'm not just able to shrug off this whole hospitalization debacle and move on. Basically, it doesn't matter that I'm broken, the needs of others are more important than mine so I should just put all of this aside for their sake's (not sure where the logic for that comes from)...I just need to "get over it" and "move on" because it was "only three days, not three months", and "it's been over a month ago now" and "it's time to let it go" (and yes, all those quotes are actual).

I absolutely HATE the word, but has everyone forgotten that I am diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder? My brain is broke with or without the tumor...I learned how to make it work enough to get by, but this whole hospital thing fried or unplugged something and I feel like I've lost all my programming and damn if I forgot to make a back up copy. Sure, I can do the most basic of functions to get through the day, but if the slightest of extras is asked of me, I either break down into tears or have a panic attack and that is in every aspect of my life, be it work or personal. But when all is said and done...I was born broken and although I've managed to make a life faking it, I went through something that was traumatic enough for me to basically fry my brain completely to the point where I don't even care enough to fake it any more. I AM BROKEN AND THAT'S WHO I AM. Either take me or leave me as I am.

The only people who can help are mental health professionals, but I can't trust them because they are the reason why I'm in this mess in the first place...so I'm screwed on that front. I have to fix it myself, but that takes time and, at the moment, I can't deal with it. Even if I do manage to get myself restarted, rebooted, reformatted or whatever it takes, I'm never going to be the same again and that scares me even more. I keep trying to explain it, but apparently I can't explain it clearly enough, and I keep getting speeches filled with quotes like the ones above instead of support or even understanding...I'll take just a smidge of either right now. I might get a minute of it, but there is always a "but" that leads back to one or all of these damn quotes.

Oh, and my absolute favorite quote? "How come you were so terrified to be locked up and yet you can barely leave your house to go outside?". Oh, I don't know, because I was locked up in a strange place surrounded by strangers (I do have severe Social Anxiety Disorder) and my house is filled with everything that makes me happy (Asperger's) and I'm in constant fear of the world around me because I'm obsessed that I'm going to get dragged back to that place (OCD)? Add ADHD to the mix and probably fifteen or so other conditions, and not a pleasant soup does it make...I'll stick to the safety of my house thank you very much! There is no outside world here...only puppies and ducks and mice and aliens and pirates and princesses and princes and tons of other lovely little things that can never hurt me (unless they fall on my head I guess).

I was honest with a nurse, and it got me locked up, so that's my fault (apparently). I was traumatized from it to the point of almost full on agoraphobia, yet that is also my fault (apparently). I can't get over it and I'm torturing myself, so all side effects are my fault (apparently). Other family members who have needs too should be put first ahead of my own terrors because that's the way it's supposed to be (apparently). Any wonder why I ended up locked up in the first place? It's hard to fix yourself if you don't believe you matter enough and it's supported by the barrage of quotes like those above by those you value most in life. I'm not sure about you, but what I'm hearing is that I'm a total screw up whose only purpose is to serve the needs of others. Great. Just what I always wanted to be.

I guess I'll continue to be a self-imposed zombie, going to work, faking through the day, stitching at night, and waiting for the a-ha moment when this nightmare can either be over or begin to at least settle down a bit because I just don't know what else to do right now. If there is one thing I'm learning from all this, it's that all these years that I've felt so alone, there is a reason for it...it's because I am alone. Rant over...I've got at least one more episode of Once before I have to go to bed. At least the nightmares have stopped (for now...don't want to jinx myself).