Weekly Stitching and I guess a weekly rant too
This was a much better stitching week, that's for sure! I left off here:
And let me just tell you, Alice has a big frickin', zombie-colored head and I'm so glad to be done with it (at least for this row)!
Right now, the poor raccoon in Snow's lap looks a bit like a gray pig...hopefully by next weekend, he'll look more raccoonish, but he's extremely confetti-heavy, so I can't promise much. It's also kind of hard to believe that small patch is two full pages and a part of a third, but then again, Alice's monster head was over three full pages wide, so I don't know why I'm shocked. It's hard to tell from these pics, but this is a huge project, even on 28ct.
Now for the rant part...last Tuesday, I get a text from my Sister that she talked to my therapist and I would be getting a call that night. Before I knew what had happened, I ended up in the therapist's office the very next afternoon. Of course, my Sister was at the appointment with me, but it was all like a covert operation...my Sister called in to tell them we were there, my therapist came to a side door and took us in the back door to her office but I was still in full panic mode. Eventually, I calmed down enough to have a session, but I'm not sure it helped (actually, I think it made things worse because now I'm expected to make progress I'm not ready to make yet). I have to go back again this week but now I've had an entire week to dread it versus less than 16 hours. If Amber can't go with me though, that appointment is SOOOO getting cancelled. Hell, I can't even afford the hospital bill now, now I have to deal with weekly therapy? Let's make me crazy and broke! Great plan guys!
The worst thing about being an Asper? Having the mind of a 12 year-old sometimes means the people around you treat you like you are 12 years old and you have no say in your own life. But the best thing about being an Asper? Having the ability to fake "normalcy" enough to get by, so maybe it's time I start faking a bit better (it's almost like I don't have the energy right now though, but I am trying and I can get by in short doses). Just smile, act like everything is OK, until I can get home at night and lock myself up in the house and maybe one day I might feel like going out to the store without needing an almost lethal dose of Xanax to do it. It's just a shame that I have to start faking to people that I've never had to fake with before...the final group of trusted ones. If you can't be your true self around those you love most, then you truly are alone in the world. This is my life now.
I've been watching this video all day long over and over (oh, the joys of OCD), and I'm definitely Mark in this scenario. This song and video is definitely my life right now...happy on the outside and really wanting to be that way on the inside, but in all actuality, being chased by all the demons I've ever dealt with. I just have to get to that point in the video where I take control back and get control over the bad things and they get back in the dance of life. It's a corny video in a lot of ways, but it really hits home with me.
That's how I get through things, a lot of stitching and either Duran Duran or Take That singing words that strike at my very core...this time it's TT. When I think about it though, Take That, especially Mark's solo stuff tends to hit me right in the gut most of the time whereas Duran is more about comfort and childhood reflection. This is a much older solo song of Markie's (and it's live), but it is another perfect example of what I mean because I'm trying really hard to get back to being this way...you might push me over the edge, but you will never hear me hit the ground.
The beginning of this song is still my ringtone though because it fits me right now:
That ought to be the Asper motto...a carnival inside my head. Oh well, this "carnival" is gonna shut down for at least 42 minutes and watch this week's episode of Once Upon A Time.
And let me just tell you, Alice has a big frickin', zombie-colored head and I'm so glad to be done with it (at least for this row)!
Right now, the poor raccoon in Snow's lap looks a bit like a gray pig...hopefully by next weekend, he'll look more raccoonish, but he's extremely confetti-heavy, so I can't promise much. It's also kind of hard to believe that small patch is two full pages and a part of a third, but then again, Alice's monster head was over three full pages wide, so I don't know why I'm shocked. It's hard to tell from these pics, but this is a huge project, even on 28ct.
Now for the rant part...last Tuesday, I get a text from my Sister that she talked to my therapist and I would be getting a call that night. Before I knew what had happened, I ended up in the therapist's office the very next afternoon. Of course, my Sister was at the appointment with me, but it was all like a covert operation...my Sister called in to tell them we were there, my therapist came to a side door and took us in the back door to her office but I was still in full panic mode. Eventually, I calmed down enough to have a session, but I'm not sure it helped (actually, I think it made things worse because now I'm expected to make progress I'm not ready to make yet). I have to go back again this week but now I've had an entire week to dread it versus less than 16 hours. If Amber can't go with me though, that appointment is SOOOO getting cancelled. Hell, I can't even afford the hospital bill now, now I have to deal with weekly therapy? Let's make me crazy and broke! Great plan guys!
The worst thing about being an Asper? Having the mind of a 12 year-old sometimes means the people around you treat you like you are 12 years old and you have no say in your own life. But the best thing about being an Asper? Having the ability to fake "normalcy" enough to get by, so maybe it's time I start faking a bit better (it's almost like I don't have the energy right now though, but I am trying and I can get by in short doses). Just smile, act like everything is OK, until I can get home at night and lock myself up in the house and maybe one day I might feel like going out to the store without needing an almost lethal dose of Xanax to do it. It's just a shame that I have to start faking to people that I've never had to fake with before...the final group of trusted ones. If you can't be your true self around those you love most, then you truly are alone in the world. This is my life now.
I've been watching this video all day long over and over (oh, the joys of OCD), and I'm definitely Mark in this scenario. This song and video is definitely my life right now...happy on the outside and really wanting to be that way on the inside, but in all actuality, being chased by all the demons I've ever dealt with. I just have to get to that point in the video where I take control back and get control over the bad things and they get back in the dance of life. It's a corny video in a lot of ways, but it really hits home with me.
That's how I get through things, a lot of stitching and either Duran Duran or Take That singing words that strike at my very core...this time it's TT. When I think about it though, Take That, especially Mark's solo stuff tends to hit me right in the gut most of the time whereas Duran is more about comfort and childhood reflection. This is a much older solo song of Markie's (and it's live), but it is another perfect example of what I mean because I'm trying really hard to get back to being this way...you might push me over the edge, but you will never hear me hit the ground.
The beginning of this song is still my ringtone though because it fits me right now:
That ought to be the Asper motto...a carnival inside my head. Oh well, this "carnival" is gonna shut down for at least 42 minutes and watch this week's episode of Once Upon A Time.
Comments
Linda
Had to smile at your comments about Alice and the racoon.
Are you stitching it over 1? You're always making such big progress on those. It has been a month since I've started Pearl Swirl Mermaid from JBG and I'm still on the first page!!!!!
Don't dread the therapy. I think you should go and honestly be yourself and explain how you feel about having to act "normal". How can they fix you if you're not showing your true self? What is your sister advising you? It was so nice of her to have organised this appointment.
How terrible it must be not to trust your doctors any more. I hope things get better for you.