Yeah, that's what I get for using the word "normal"...

This week I had "planned" to share my therapy experience and that whole path with you guys, but life kicked me in the tail in ways I didn't see coming. Literally 20 minutes of me getting to work after my therapy appointment, we got a call that a Covid-positive co-worker's wife (he was sick too), literally dropped dead! She was just 55 years old. Their daughter has it too, but she was infected elsewhere, so she hadn't been in the house. His nurse of a sister stepped in to help him do CPR on his wife, so now she has it too.

But here is where I start to get angry...within hours of her passing, there were pictures on Facebook of him hugging various members of his immediate family, including a negative son (which now isn't) and many others (a lot of which are also now positive) because of all of the outpouring of grief. I would be terrified of infecting someone else, a lot more than worrying about getting a hug from someone. Is that just me? I get that I don't feel grief like others do (and I deplore being touched, let alone hugged, at the best of times), but my lack of empathy gene still couldn't handle knowing I willingly infected (and potentially killed) someone else, especially your own child, all for the sake of physical comfort. That's the part of grief I guess I don't understand. I kind of see it as being more selfish...wanting something so superficial (as a hug) that could potentially lead you to another funeral in week or two.

I could rant forever about empathy (or my lack thereof, or maybe "misplacement" is a better word) and what I think is proper, but ultimately, that's someone else's burden not mine. What IS important was what happened at roughly the exact same time...the ABSOLUTE WORST THING EVER...my Sister had to admit, as we were texting each other about the co-worker's wife (it's a VERY small town and she heard the exact same time we did), that she herself was sick! I think she wasn't planning on telling me at all, because she knew how I'd react (total freak out, of course, I cried the rest of the afternoon), but because of those events, she knew the jig was up and it was fessing up time. And yes, she tested positive the next day, although she thought she just had the flu, despite being exposed a few days before.

It took my Brother-In-Law a few more days, and at first he tested negative, but he got sick a couple of days later and then his test came back positive too. Despite her best efforts to protect him, I figure they were infected at the same time, it just took it a bit longer to grab him. I'm trying to trust what she's telling me, that yes, they are sick, but they are dealing fine, but I'm still very scared. I haven't actually spoken to her (or seen her, obviously), so I can't judge that for myself. It's just a daily check-in text because I don't want to annoy her (and I'm already managing that enough with what little I'm doing).

Her path to Covid was quite different to my co-worker's (he's already had five scares because of recklessness, she had been a LOT more careful...this was unavoidable) and since their diagnosis, they have been super-responsible and staying away from everybody (obviously the RIGHT thing to do), but nurses are the WORST about judging their own symptoms and they are usually the ones who you read the horror stories about (although I bet she's watching her husband like a hawk!). I would gladly take this on instead of her and my Bro. I am trying to stay calm because I know getting freaked out isn't helping her, but I'm also sure she probably knows I'm on the borders of losing it. There is literally NOTHING I can do and everytime my phone goes off, I just feel sick and I'm scared to look at it. They should be at the "getting over it" stage, but neither one of them are. Until I see a series of "today I'm much better" texts along with a negative test for both of them, my brain won't shift gears.

So, on to something else because I am freaking myself out again. I tried to stitch last week, but I just couldn't. And then I decided that maybe it was because I was just done with Maleficent and needed to switch to something else, so Sunday I did. I think it helped stitch-wise, but I still only stitched for a couple of hours before I had to stop because my mind was racing too much. I switched to Alice and the B's, which I left off back in March here:

And, in that two hours, made it here:

Considering the short time limit, I did stitch a lot, you just can't tell because it's so spread out. It really is a HUGE piece!

I have another therapy appointment this Friday, and I honestly couldn't care less, so I guess that's better than the terror I went into the last one with (and the nausea I came out of it with). Maybe, by next week, I can get into my big therapy story and this whole "my family has Covid too" story will be far behind all of us.

I will say though, all my blustering about, "oh, it will take something drastic for the people around here to wake up and take Covid seriously" was literally just that...bluster. Even with a death of a family member and now four employees having had it...not a SINGLE person has either changed their stupid ignornant views or their behaviors, so it's just going to get worse. As someone with OCD who has NEVER been a germaphobe, I'm getting worse and worse by the day as I continue to see medical workers pay less and less attention to their own, or their co-workers and, what I would "assume" (although you know what they say about THAT word) should be the most important, their family's safety. I'm just really angry and scared right now and I guess I want to place blame somewhere, so the idiots of the world it is!

Back to a "normal" track...

Or, as potentially "normal" as I can be...I stitched ONE day this weekend. I FINALLY slept a good full-night's sleep, so I thought I'd forget about everything and get caught up on Lil's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. watch-a-longs and stitch a bit. For those that don't know, Elizabeth Henstridge, who plays Agent Simmons on AOS, is having watch-a-longs on her YouTube Channel, and she has special guests including other cast members (and a lot of the big ones, not just little guys), directors, VFX people, heads of wardrobe, hair and makeup, props, and a lot of other departments. She has them remembering the episode filming, describing their personal paths into the business and what their jobs entail. It's just very informative for, not only the diehard S.H.I.E.L.D. fans, but for anyone interested in the industry in general. I didn't think I cared that much about the behind-the-scenes stuff, but it turns out, after watching her vids, I do tend to be quite engaged more than I thought I would be!

I"m still having issues focusing on stitching, but I left off here last time:

And made it here after about 2.5hrs before I gave up:

Better than nothing, right? Anyway, tomorrow is the BIG web therapy day, which I'm not ready to talk about that whole journey that got me here just yet (it's hard enough doing it in the first place), but I'll try to break it down when I can and tell you guys about how I decided to start this process over again. It may not even work, but supposedly, and maybe because of me, they do have an Asper specialist now who deals with adults, we'll see. I'm haviing enough trouble trying to decide where to even do it!

I could do it from home and just come in a couple of hours late, but then they will be invading my #1 safe space and do I really want that? Or would it be better if I was in my personal space? Right now, my mind is thinking of them as invaders and they would "sully" my pristine personal environment. Plus, I do web conferences ALL the time for work, but never video conferences and there is no place in my house whatsoever that doesn't give away my OCD/hoarding issues, but again, would that be a bad thing for a therapist to see? Then again, if I could wrap my head around the fact that I could be around my comfort things, maybe it won't be so bad going through all this (what I'm considering potential) torture. Worse comes to worse, Bam and Bugs could protect me, right?

Then there is the whole other issue of, if I didn't stay home from the get-go, and actually went to work first, I would immediately have to turn around since traffic is now like a 45 minute turn-around-time (for a 7 mile journey), so do I want to drive all the way to work, spend 15 minutes here, leave, and then come back? That seems stupid, so best to come in later. Besides, as freaked out as I am today, tomorrow I'll be lucky to be able to drive to work AFTER the mess, let alone before AND after! So, me on the roadways might not be the best idea for anyone!

I could do it in my vehicle at work if I go in, but that's my #2 safe space and that's still that "invasion" thinking (but I've already checked and, at home I can't get wi-fi, but I can at work, so it's doable), but do I WANT to do that? I expect I will be loud (I have a LOT of anger against these people) and sitting in a car in a parking lot, in a busy medical area, having a therapy session might not be the best way to do that. And again, I could wind up stuck in the car both before and after the session just from freaking out. Not good.

The only other option is to do it at work in my office (my #3 safe space), but my intern will be here, so I'd have to kick him out for a while. I expect, again, I will be loud, so it's not like others won't hear me anyway and this is a VERY private thing (and this is not a very private place, personal office or not). And, it won't matter how many signs I put on my door or if I put my phone on do not disturb, people WILL interrupt me and this is costing me a fortune, so again, not maybe the wisest choice. If it goes badly, I'm not a fan of breaking down at work, although I have done it numerous times, but I could be trapped here if it goes REALLY badly and not be able to get home at all.

When it comes to this, I'm not sure any locational choice is best, but I have to do something and I have to take that first step somehow. I've had months to deal with this upcoming appointment, but I haven't. For some reason, all weekend I was thinking it was Thursday and not Tuesday, so when they called this morning and I saw their name pop up on my phone, I was shaking so badly I almost dropped the phone entirely. I didn't want to answer it, but part of me was hoping they were calling to cancel my appointment. When she said it was tomorrow and I looked up at the post-it note above my head that confirmed it, I almost dropped the phone again. I should be more prepared for this, but it is what it is, so I guess I'll let you guys know when I come out the other side!

Sporadic, but still stitching

Well, I haven't stitched in a couple of weeks...life isn't being very nice. I left off here last time:

And, I just started back this weekend, and made it here:

Again, not a lot of progress, but I'm trying not to post unless I have something positive to talk about, and lately, positivity hasn't been part of my atmosphere. It's just how it is.

I do have a "weird" story...so I keep getting these REALLY annoying emails from my high school graduating class leaders wanting my social media account information so that all my classmates can get in touch with me because "I'm missed" (their words, not mine). Where this is "weird" is because, when I was in high school, I was NOT popular, I did NOT have barely, if any friends, and it was part of the worst part of my life. I have never looked back. I don't go to reunions and I don't see the point in reconnecting with these people who didn't care about me then and, it's pretty safe to assume, don't care about me now. If they do, it's because of who my Sister is married to, and has NOTHING to do with me. To be honest, I also don't see the point in rehashing old memories. I also didn't care about those people then or now.

I wish I could say that they are spam email, but they are not. I've blocked them from one email account, but I recently got another notification from another email account that I had given to someone that had been a "sort of" friend in high school and we tried to reconnect, but it didn't work. I am assuming here, and you know what they say about people who assume, but they had to have gotten that email addy from her. It's not a public address.

At first I tried to just ignore them, but they got more and more insistent, hence the blockage, but now they are treading on personal territory. Most of you guys know, my ONLY social media account is this one. Yes, I have an Instagram acccount, but I don't post on it, I just use it to see the posts of the famous people I follow (beause I got tired of entering the code to block the pop-up page that keeps you from scrolling through). I will NEVER have a Facebook account again (and yes, I know FB owns Instagram, hence my own lack of posting), but I'm not about to let the people who tortured me for 12+ years have access to my own private world that is my blog.

Any thoughts? Have you guys eperienced this? Do you have an adversion to all things high school or do you embrace it? I can't and won't, but still, I'd like to hear your thoughts!

More Stitching and other stuff

Okay, so I know I said "no negativity", but can I just say that I HATE that Blogger made us switch to their "new" platform? Either I'm forced to use outdated "Compose view" or I'm stuck with semi-writing code "HTML View" just to make a new paragraph! Bad form Google!!

Now, on with the good stuff...I left off with Dollmaker here:

And, I finished the second row, I'm 217.97 hrs in, and here she is!

I spent my B-day watching YouTube. I made myself a roast with all the trimmings and also a Pavlova:

It was my first time making a Pavlova, but I think it turned out OK...it certainly tasted amazing, although it didn't keep very well and I had to throw a lot of it out. Miranda, I'm not. My Sister also got me my Disney watch I REALLY wanted, but wouldn't dare spend that much money on myself! I wish she hadn't, but she did.

Once I got done with Dollmaker, I went back to Maleficent (I was feeling in the mood to finish rows. I left off on her back in April of this year:

And, as of now, I'm here, so not much progress:

Oh, and I forgot to mention it, but a few weeks ago, I got a couple new Once patterns, including this AH-MA-ZING one from WitchyKitt Designs, who are quickly becoming my new favorite designer (oh, and in the process of getting this link, I see she already has another new Once pattern I'm gonna have to get!):

And that's about it! Still nothing else to report on the positive side. But maybe I'll get there soon!

Stitching and promises

Well, I guess you guys might have been wondering why I've been silent for so long...I've made myself a promise that I won't be posting anything negative anymore about how "horrible" my life is so, until I have something positive to say, I won't post. Hence, the silence. I've had nothing positive to say! I still don't, but I did actually stitch this weekend for the first time since July, so I thought I'd share that. I'm still not sure what made me decide to stitch, but I guess It doesn't matter! I left off on the Bride Dollmaker here back on July 26th:

And, since it has been a while, my hands started cramping pretty bad by yesterday afternoon and I didn't get that far, but I did pretty well for such a long time out, and I made it here:

If I keep going this week, I should have the row finished by this weekend! I'll let you guys know if I continue on.

Speaking of, Sunday, the 27th, will be my 50th Birthday. (No exclamation point for a reason there...the excitement I felt in January is long gone now). I had taken off work from this Friday to the following Monday (Oct 5th), because I was planning either a massive road trip, or a Disneyland/Santa Monica trip, but I guess that's out of the question now (no negativity...), so I will be taking off around my birthday and skirting into work at random on the rest of the days. I'm afraid that much time at home would be too dangerous for me right now anyway. And, since that's all the positive news I have, I'll leave it there! I'm not sure if I'll post again before my Birthday, but if I don't, happy B-day to me and I'll make sure to let you guys know whatever cake I bake myself. I ordered some Ruby Cacao chips (my newest obsession), but I'm not sure they will make it in by the weekend, so I may go with Pavlova. We'll see.

HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY! (Yesterday)

I'm getting so behind in life that I can't even keep up with my own Blogoversary! But yesterday was my 9th! Can you believe I've been on Blogger for NINE YEARS? And yet I still have accomplished NOTHING but tons of ranting, a bit of stitching, some self-discovery, but probably more self-destruction (but by no one's hand's but my own), and a lot of trips to various places (but mainly the Gulf Coast and Disney and it's now been FOUR years since I've been on Disney property...even that seems hard to believe).

More than anything though, I've "met" some amazing, wonderful, caring, and yes, I'm going to say it, friends, that I cherish more than I do the people I interact with every single day! You guys understand me, support me, and, best of all, "get" me! I can never thank you enough!

I haven't been a good blog friend myself, especially in the past couple of years since my trip to the funny farm and all my work issues, but I'm going to try harder this year (after this new bout of work responsibilities gets done with). My new intern is working out great (so far), but we have a big job ahead of us and I'm worried for myself both mentally and physically and I'm worried they are going to run him off with all this load. Time will tell.

But once all the "crap" is done, I want to get back to stitching and I want to get back to being a good blog friend myself and supporting you guys like you have for me. I want to get back involved in all the stitching events like I used to. It does seem like a lot of these have moved to Facebook, which I STILL refuse to get involved with, so if that leaves me out of some, then so be it, but I can still support you guys!

Short but sweet, thank you ALL again, and here's to another 9 years, no matter where the road takes us! I'm a word person by nature, so I think I'll always blog in some capacity, even if I move on to other avenues in the future, whatever that may be (unless Blogger just REALLY gets sucky, but even then I might just create my own website, who knows!).

All our love,
Keebs, Bam, and Bugs!

Updates of soul-crushing nothingness

No stitching to report...yeah, I suck. I have bought some charts, two from Witchykitt's (which I kind of begged her for, anything Shield or Once, so I was grateful for what I got):


And two from someone new (at least for me), Thread Geeks:


The ones from Thread Geeks I found by accident when I was just Googling Once patterns (which I do from time to time, trying to find anything I can). I did find a website that had a Once graphgan pattern. I can't crochet at all, but graphgans are fairly similar to cross stitching and I bet I could make it on the plastic stuff and still come out with something. There is a lady at work that does crochet, so maybe I could get her to do the actual crocheted accents. I downloaded the entire pattern (since it was free), but I'm not sure if (or when), I'll ever do anything with it.

I'm on the word count kick again. I decided to make a word list first of Once, sorting it alphabetically to edit out duplicates, then I think I'll graph it, add characters along the horizontal and mark down the line in each character's column who said what. That will be more comprehensive than just "how many times a character says hope" versus, "well Snow says it X amount of times" and blaa blaa blaa. Yeah, OCD is running rampant right now because of work.

Speaking of, I've gotten extremely used to being under lockdown, even still going to work every day, so now that restrictions are lifting (even though I don't think they should be), I'm having a horrible time trying to function. There are aspects of my job that require me to sometimes go to the other hospitals in town for various reasons (not often, but occasionally), but I haven't stepped foot in either for almost half a year now. Both still have temperature checks (which I still can't clear), but apparently, there are back ways in. My moral compass hates the idea of that. I don't break rules. Besides, all the rest withstanding, I am still an extremely high risk candidate for the virus on my asthma alone, putting me in the middle of a hospital laboratory is the stupidest idea anyone has ever had, especially if I'm supposedly so important that no one can do my job BUT me.

Keep in mind as well, I wouldn't have to go to the hospitals if the people that worked there would do their jobs. Their laziness is accepted and I must pay the price for it. "Oh, don't worry, we'll send Keebs over to fix it!". Here's a thought, shouldn't the people that work with it at least know enough about what they're working with to solve the most basic of problems and then if it's serious, hospital I.T. should step in since the machines are theirs and not ours? I guarantee the issue over there will take me 2 minutes tops to fix (and another 13 minutes of stupid explanations of how it happened, which I don't need nor care about). This has been a running thing with me and management since day 1 of my employment...I'm always punished for the laziness of others because I'm the one willing to step up. When I was younger, it made me proud that they trusted me enough to fix/do it right. Now, it's just insulting.

The older I get, the more I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it's not time to hang up my hat and just file for disability. That would mean no "real" house...I wouldn't be able to afford it. But the harder it gets for me to function in society, even in society I used to be comfortable in, the harder it is on me emotionally. I realize it's my fault. I've built up this facade of strength that I don't really have, just to appear "normal", so everyone around me thinks I can do things that I maybe I have done in the past, at great personal struggle that they didn't see (or didn't care), but that now I just can't even muster the strength to fake the "normalcy face" anymore. But because I used to do it, the powers that be can't understand why I still can't do it, so anything I say to the contrary now just seems like an excuse. I can't make them understand. Again, my fault.

I've asked to be demoted to a lower job and have been told no (because again, I've made the mistake of making myself invaluable apparently). I've tried to put my foot down and explain that I'm unable to do these emotionally scaring tasks anymore and have been told either "sorry, it's part of your job", or my personal favorite, "we know you can do it" (I'm REALLY beginning to hate that sentence). I'm even debating going back into therapy, although I know a doctor or a therapist's note wouldn't get me out of part of my job, no matter the severity. I've started having panic attacks in the parking lot in the mornings because I'm too scared to get out of my car, not knowing what is going to be asked of me during the day and I spend most of the day hiding in my office counting down the hours until I can go home, really not progressing too much on important stuff, but dealing with the mundane. I used to be able to handle both. But important stuff requires too much focus and my brain can't process that (which is probably also why I can't stitch right now either).

I'm also debating on returning to school, but my job was never supportive of that. Last time, I spent the entire semester embroiled in WWIII because no one in power here wanted me in school (which was ironic because it was originally a requirement of me taking the I.T. job). I was willing to fight to stay in school this past time though, but now I don't think I have the strength for it. Besides, and I've even talked to my old advisor about it, I'm going to be 50 this year, even once I get a degree in a couple of years, with all my issues, being that age and being female, it will be incredibly hard for me to get any kind of tech job, so why even bother? That leads me again back to the age old question...what am I going to be when I grow up? I've only ever been good at two things...tech and art and the art gene I've lost.

Why did the world have to go to hell at the same time my life did? It's not like there are a multitude of job opportunities out there, especially for someone like me. And even going back to school again requires a certain level of sociability that I struggled immensely with a couple of years ago and now would probably be impossible. Granted, I could just quit my job, take out loans, go to school full time and finish in two years max. If all I did was school, maybe the social aspects of it wouldn't be so difficult. I wouldn't be switching from one mode (being work) to another (being school) and back again. But I'm single. The amount of loans I'd have to take out just to live would be ridiculous and I couldn't pay them off before I was dead, and that's IF I could get a job with my degree. Most people forget that singles have higher taxes, higher insurance rates, higher everything. I've never understood that. A two-income household has twice the money coming in, why should they get discounts? But that's a whole other argument.

If I'm forced to go across town, I will have to be chaperoned, and my emotions have ranged from "I hope I get sick just to show them" to something I'm not going to type out because saying them out loud got me in a lot of trouble a few years ago to "I hope I don't get sick" because of what could happen if infect someone else (or even my pups, which is still a possibility). And going over there is going to be a HUGE emotional blow for probably 15 minutes of stupidity because of someone else being an idiot. It's not worth the health risks, let alone the mental scaring, but I guess no one cares, which is why I guess I'm starting to wake up and realize that maybe I need to start caring. Just the fact that I've literally wasted at least five days worrying myself sick over the potential of having to spend 15 minutes over there is my wake-up call. But again, I'm kind of stuck in the hell I've made because I'm really not in a position to change it.

I get everyone has struggles with their job sometimes, and if it's not a career you love and it's just a job, even if it's one you don't care for, you should just go in, do it, and go home, but how do you deal with one that causes you such emotional turmoil and stress? Is it even worth it? I'm not sure anywhere else would be better considering my issues, hence the disability argument, but am I really to resign myself to a life of extreme poverty (rather than just normal poverty), just to be able to stay at home all the time? I can't deal anymore for today.

As if all that wasn't enough, this week is the series finale of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which I just KNOW is going to end badly (because my luck guarantees it), so let's just add more fuel to my proverbial fire, shall we? Yea me!