Monday was a school holiday (but not a work one) and I still had that gnawing headache. It made me realize, nothing was going to get better. I had a lot of discussions yesterday with work, with my Sister, with school and, most importantly, with myself about what I should do and the decision I made wasn't made lightly. What it comes down to is what will:
Keep me healthy
Make me happy
Keep work flowing productively
And keep my house running smoothly
What I realized is that, no where in that list was school, at least not right now. I'm not looking at this as a failure. Obviously, I CAN do it and do it well, I just don't have the time working 50-60 hours per week, go to school 8 hours a week, do homework, and still maintain that downtime that I need to function in the real world. Aspers need more "me" time than your average bear. So, this morning, I officially withdrew. Granted, at least for the next year, I can always hop right back in with no issues or, even after that, all I have to do is repay the admittance fee and I'm back in with no problems. I've done it five times before. Plus, I have already applied for financial aid for next year, so if I do decide to start back in the fall, I'm already on track for that as well. Yes, I will have to start paying back my loan from last semester, but I'm prepared for that.
For a long time after my little "hospital visit", I couldn't let my mind do it's normal thing and run 90-to-nothing. I couldn't stitch because that's when my mind runs the fastest. I needed those months of blindly watching TV and not thinking. I needed those months of school to keep my mind occupied for the same reason. But xmas break was a turning point for me and being able to stitch again and letting my mind run wild without going dark was a really good thing and I don't want that to go away. I quickly discovered that shutting it off again and trying to focus on school was hurting more than helping and I think, besides the early mornings, that's where the headaches are coming from.
Let me also reiterate that I'm not quitting school just to stitch. There's also the work pressure that I fought like crazy last semester, but with these headaches, I just don't have the energy to fight this semester. Then there is the fact that I'm not taking care of things at home like I should. Of course, there is the dirty house that it took me a week to clean during xmas break, but I didn't even notice that I had let my babies hair get too long! Bugs mats easily and he won't let me brush him, so I've been having to snip chunks of his hair out. Of course, because the groomer stays booked up, I couldn't get him in until early February (and Bam till even later). That's my fault. I'm a bad pup mom. He looks like a three year-old who tried to cut his own hair! Thank goodness Bam not only lets me brush him, but his hair doesn't mat, so at least one of my kids doesn't look jacked up! Sure, I kept them fed and they snuggle with me, but how could I not notice they looked like hippies? I've always been super paranoid about that!
When I'm depressed, I spend money like crazy, and the packages have been coming in left and right lately. I was doing pretty good at paying down my credit cards because school kept me busy, but this semester school couldn't stop it and I even started using school as an excuse to spend more money. I'd like to see, at least by Fall, how far I can get my debt down. If I do good with that, then maybe I would be better off focusing on that and getting a real house, which was the original plan before all this stuff happened in this first place.
And honestly, I miss Disney World! Granted, that won't help my debt issue but, for someone who has spent most of their adult life going every single year (sometimes twice a year), this is now my third year without Disney and I'm having withdrawals. That in itself is almost painful. When I started this school journey I was thinking 3 maybe 4 years, not 7, 8 or even 9! I'm just too old and not patient enough for that kind of timeline away from Disney, or the rest of my life.
So friends, please don't be disappointed in me, I promise it wasn't a decision made lightly, but it was a decision made with help from an organ I don't use much...my heart. At least for now, college isn't the right path for me, but I never rule out anything and my mood changes as quickly as the wind sometimes!
Keep me healthy
Make me happy
Keep work flowing productively
And keep my house running smoothly
What I realized is that, no where in that list was school, at least not right now. I'm not looking at this as a failure. Obviously, I CAN do it and do it well, I just don't have the time working 50-60 hours per week, go to school 8 hours a week, do homework, and still maintain that downtime that I need to function in the real world. Aspers need more "me" time than your average bear. So, this morning, I officially withdrew. Granted, at least for the next year, I can always hop right back in with no issues or, even after that, all I have to do is repay the admittance fee and I'm back in with no problems. I've done it five times before. Plus, I have already applied for financial aid for next year, so if I do decide to start back in the fall, I'm already on track for that as well. Yes, I will have to start paying back my loan from last semester, but I'm prepared for that.
For a long time after my little "hospital visit", I couldn't let my mind do it's normal thing and run 90-to-nothing. I couldn't stitch because that's when my mind runs the fastest. I needed those months of blindly watching TV and not thinking. I needed those months of school to keep my mind occupied for the same reason. But xmas break was a turning point for me and being able to stitch again and letting my mind run wild without going dark was a really good thing and I don't want that to go away. I quickly discovered that shutting it off again and trying to focus on school was hurting more than helping and I think, besides the early mornings, that's where the headaches are coming from.
Let me also reiterate that I'm not quitting school just to stitch. There's also the work pressure that I fought like crazy last semester, but with these headaches, I just don't have the energy to fight this semester. Then there is the fact that I'm not taking care of things at home like I should. Of course, there is the dirty house that it took me a week to clean during xmas break, but I didn't even notice that I had let my babies hair get too long! Bugs mats easily and he won't let me brush him, so I've been having to snip chunks of his hair out. Of course, because the groomer stays booked up, I couldn't get him in until early February (and Bam till even later). That's my fault. I'm a bad pup mom. He looks like a three year-old who tried to cut his own hair! Thank goodness Bam not only lets me brush him, but his hair doesn't mat, so at least one of my kids doesn't look jacked up! Sure, I kept them fed and they snuggle with me, but how could I not notice they looked like hippies? I've always been super paranoid about that!
When I'm depressed, I spend money like crazy, and the packages have been coming in left and right lately. I was doing pretty good at paying down my credit cards because school kept me busy, but this semester school couldn't stop it and I even started using school as an excuse to spend more money. I'd like to see, at least by Fall, how far I can get my debt down. If I do good with that, then maybe I would be better off focusing on that and getting a real house, which was the original plan before all this stuff happened in this first place.
And honestly, I miss Disney World! Granted, that won't help my debt issue but, for someone who has spent most of their adult life going every single year (sometimes twice a year), this is now my third year without Disney and I'm having withdrawals. That in itself is almost painful. When I started this school journey I was thinking 3 maybe 4 years, not 7, 8 or even 9! I'm just too old and not patient enough for that kind of timeline away from Disney, or the rest of my life.
So friends, please don't be disappointed in me, I promise it wasn't a decision made lightly, but it was a decision made with help from an organ I don't use much...my heart. At least for now, college isn't the right path for me, but I never rule out anything and my mood changes as quickly as the wind sometimes!
Comments
Take care,
Linda
Also, Yay for more stitching time!