Need a little "help" from my Blogger friends

School starts back Monday. I'm only not mentally ready, but it's brought up some questions that I'm not sure are just me being a chicken or if they are legit concerns, so I'm asking my impartial and extremely supportive friends for help. Work wants me to quit. I get little to no support from family because they expect me to fail anyway. The school obviously wants me to stay because they need students like me to fill a quota. And when it comes to "in person" friends, well, I just don't have any.

I'm still working 50-60 hours per week and that's never going to change. I tried finding another job, but truth be told, I'm just too comfortable here and they make a LOT of accommodations for my disabilities that other places wouldn't (basically, they deal with my bad behavior). But they are also HORRIBLE about accepting my class schedule and fight me at every turn. It's the reason why I have to take an 8 am class this semester. It's also the reason why I will NEVER be able to take more than two classes per semester...ever. I will NEVER graduate at this rate.

Right now, I'm only $2500 in debt. If I continue on, it gets worse. This semester adds another $2600 (because apparently tuition went up in five months) and so on. I'm not doing so hot in Computer Science, and obviously I've decided it's not the major for me, so even if I switch to C.I.T. and stay in my current job, it's just a piece of paper and I seriously doubt it would be that much of a pay increase. Basically, the only good it would do is if the company goes under, I'd be able to get a job elsewhere whereas now I'm not qualified.

This whole school thing started as a "life changing" need after my visit to the lovely Hotel California. I've dealt with that trauma and am now over it. I'm not sure I "want" to change my life anymore. I wish I just would have stayed on the house-building path. At least that was a goal I might actually finish. I need a bigger house. I need to get my credit cards paid off, not create more debt. And let's be honest, moving away and having a better life is probably never going to be in the cards for me. It's about as likely as me finding my prince charming. Some people just aren't destined for certain fates. I've accepted that.

But, and there is a but to this whole thing, am I just scared to go back to school again. There is an extreme build-up of social anxiety since I have technically been back to "normal" life for a month. Starting an entirely new routine with new teachers, new kids, new hours, new classes, etc...doesn't appeal to me in the least. It's one of the reasons why I always had issue with staying in school before.

And the second but is that Aspers are notorious for getting bored extremely fast and I'm already bored with school. It's not interesting to me at all. If I was taking Astronomy or Geology or Forklore Studies, sure, but Precalculus and yet another programming course that I barely scraped an A by last time? Ugh. And none of the "interesting" classes are going to get me finished with a degree anyway (the precalc isn't even going to do it...yet another class I have to take that doesn't "technically" count).

So is this a chicken thing or a "I'm just over it" thing? Is it an age thing? Is it a demons are resolved and I'm ready to get back to normalcy thing? Guess I have until Monday to figure it out, but what do you guys think and be honest. I know most of you guys want me to succeed and I would love to succeed too, but considering all the external forces, should I bother or is it even possible and why am I bothering in the first place? Is a piece of paper really going to change my life when I'm 55 or so (which is probably what I'll be when I graduate)? Tech is a young person's game, I know this and I'm not a young person. I don't like working in I.T., I'm just good at it, but everything I know, it's self-taught. Maybe I'd be better off just taking a course here and there rather than trying to get an actual degree (but then again, nothing like that is offered here).

Comments

Stitching Angel said…
Oh this is a hard one, on one hand you want to get that paper as it could help in your future and on the other your asking is it really worth it. It sounds like the answer your going is no. Someone told me once to draw a line in the middle of a piece of paper, on one side write everything you hate, don't like, the why nots and on the other side why you should, why it would make you happy. So I would ask you this, then look it over to see what way your going. I does help or it did me. In the end YOU have to be happy with your choice. Hope that helps a little bit.
Bethan said…
I like Stitching Angel's idea of the line in the centre of the page, and the hates and likes and the whys. I would also advise let the term start and get into the new routine and meet all the new teachers etc. Once that sticking point is out the way, it is one less 'possibility' for you to consider, and will perhaps make things clearer x
I would say "go back and read your old posts where you made the decision to go to school". Have an imaginary chat with that Keebles and see what she thinks.

The thing is, if you quit now, that's it. School is over. If you do another term, you keep your options open. You can keep going or quit then.
Kate N said…
If I say you should go back to school - will your immediate response be...I don’t want to and if I say quit will you say but I want to carry on. The thing is, you can convince yourself if anything and make a case for it and you did before you decided to go back. I don’t know if you have cold feet about going back or if you don’t want to but you should know that we totally support you whatever you decide, and will cheer you on in everything you do in life.
Well, this is a tough question (and, without scrolling ahead, I'm guessing you already found some kind of answer, seeing that school has started by now), but I'm still going to write down my thoughts...
Truth is, I could never do what you are doing. 50-60 hours of work and school on top of that...I struggle to do any kind of self-improvement at my normal 40 hours a week, and if I have to work a lot more due to deadline, I really can't be bothered to do anything productive AT ALL when I get home! So I totally understand that it's hard and absolutely admire you for doing it, even if it has 'only' been one semester so far.
But on the other hand...yes, having that 'piece of paper' is probably not going to change your life completely, and maybe some of the lofty dreams you had about it in the beginning will remain just dreams. But having a degree can still offer you a bit of security...you said that you're not a young person anymore and that you are not 'officially' qualified to do the kind of work you are doing now. So, if (for whatever reason) you ever lose this job, being a not-young-person with a piece of paper might open up way more doors than being one without the paper. Even just the effort of going back to school and seeing it through is impressive, and I'm guessing possible future employers will see that as well. So I'm kinda rooting for you to give school another chance and pull through :)