Weekly Stitching (a regular stitching post...yea!!)

This was one of those weeks that I stitched like crazy (other than the two days I had a migraine), but I seemed to get no where. It's the reason why I'm glad I take pictures every night, or else I could never see the progress sometimes! Last week I left off here:

This has been a rough row...lots of confetti, but I still hope to finish it this week and move on to the final (and short) row next week and hopefully be finished in a couple of weeks. And, despite all the work I put in this week, I only made it to here last night:

I want to finish this project before I start back into a normal stitching rotation. I'm not really sure why, I just feel like it's what I need to do. And I'm also still not sure I don't want to finish DoNa's Rapunzel before moving on to a rotation...that WAS the plan back when I left off on her last July (when I tried so desperately to force myself to stitch). I left off on her just beginning row 2:

But, then again, I'm also still completely obsessed with Once Upon A Time, so there is always Hook which I barely got started on. And I still have to make a decision on whether to continue with the same fabric or switch over to white so I don't have to actually stitch all the white background...that was either ambitious on my part, or stupid. I guess right now I'm still deciding. It would look better stitched, but I am lazy (and have more WIPs and stash than lifetimes, so it might be better to switch now before I get too far in):

Decisions, decisions...I seem to be riddled with them lately! But Hook might be better served in a rotation anyway, so there is that.

But I have managed, at least for a few days, to break my Once viewing habits. I started watching MI-5 again over on Hulu (Spooks for all my Brit friends) and it's amazing how that show has held up over the years, despite it's age, and how socially relevant it still is! I missed my beloved Adam Carter and, although I haven't gotten to the Lucas North years yet, I'm prepared for that heartbreak (I am too much like Tom to get emotionally attached to him). For anyone who hasn't ever watched the show, I highly recommend it, although, I feel I should warn you, don't get attached to anyone...they often die horrible, painful, brutal, gut-wrenchingly, sob-worthy deaths. But just about every single British actor has been on that show at some point, and you might even see someone you didn't remember being on there (an Avenger or two maybe and definitely an Austen man, maybe a Hobbit or Potter alum, even a Oncer or two...just trust me, you will recognize someone!).

Decisions, decisions...not approached lightly, but now officially done

Monday was a school holiday (but not a work one) and I still had that gnawing headache. It made me realize, nothing was going to get better. I had a lot of discussions yesterday with work, with my Sister, with school and, most importantly, with myself about what I should do and the decision I made wasn't made lightly. What it comes down to is what will:
Keep me healthy
Make me happy
Keep work flowing productively
And keep my house running smoothly

What I realized is that, no where in that list was school, at least not right now. I'm not looking at this as a failure. Obviously, I CAN do it and do it well, I just don't have the time working 50-60 hours per week, go to school 8 hours a week, do homework, and still maintain that downtime that I need to function in the real world. Aspers need more "me" time than your average bear. So, this morning, I officially withdrew. Granted, at least for the next year, I can always hop right back in with no issues or, even after that, all I have to do is repay the admittance fee and I'm back in with no problems. I've done it five times before. Plus, I have already applied for financial aid for next year, so if I do decide to start back in the fall, I'm already on track for that as well. Yes, I will have to start paying back my loan from last semester, but I'm prepared for that.

For a long time after my little "hospital visit", I couldn't let my mind do it's normal thing and run 90-to-nothing. I couldn't stitch because that's when my mind runs the fastest. I needed those months of blindly watching TV and not thinking. I needed those months of school to keep my mind occupied for the same reason. But xmas break was a turning point for me and being able to stitch again and letting my mind run wild without going dark was a really good thing and I don't want that to go away. I quickly discovered that shutting it off again and trying to focus on school was hurting more than helping and I think, besides the early mornings, that's where the headaches are coming from.

Let me also reiterate that I'm not quitting school just to stitch. There's also the work pressure that I fought like crazy last semester, but with these headaches, I just don't have the energy to fight this semester. Then there is the fact that I'm not taking care of things at home like I should. Of course, there is the dirty house that it took me a week to clean during xmas break, but I didn't even notice that I had let my babies hair get too long! Bugs mats easily and he won't let me brush him, so I've been having to snip chunks of his hair out. Of course, because the groomer stays booked up, I couldn't get him in until early February (and Bam till even later). That's my fault. I'm a bad pup mom. He looks like a three year-old who tried to cut his own hair! Thank goodness Bam not only lets me brush him, but his hair doesn't mat, so at least one of my kids doesn't look jacked up! Sure, I kept them fed and they snuggle with me, but how could I not notice they looked like hippies? I've always been super paranoid about that!

When I'm depressed, I spend money like crazy, and the packages have been coming in left and right lately. I was doing pretty good at paying down my credit cards because school kept me busy, but this semester school couldn't stop it and I even started using school as an excuse to spend more money. I'd like to see, at least by Fall, how far I can get my debt down. If I do good with that, then maybe I would be better off focusing on that and getting a real house, which was the original plan before all this stuff happened in this first place.

And honestly, I miss Disney World! Granted, that won't help my debt issue but, for someone who has spent most of their adult life going every single year (sometimes twice a year), this is now my third year without Disney and I'm having withdrawals. That in itself is almost painful. When I started this school journey I was thinking 3 maybe 4 years, not 7, 8 or even 9! I'm just too old and not patient enough for that kind of timeline away from Disney, or the rest of my life.

So friends, please don't be disappointed in me, I promise it wasn't a decision made lightly, but it was a decision made with help from an organ I don't use much...my heart. At least for now, college isn't the right path for me, but I never rule out anything and my mood changes as quickly as the wind sometimes!

School and Stitching, Stitching and School

Well, I went to classes, and they actually weren't so bad. Technically, they went pretty well, but then again, it WAS only the first week. I settled into to Precalculus a bit TOO well, which either means I'm gonna ace that class, or I'm going to get TOO comfortable and stop trying and then my grades will drop.

Programming, at least so far, has been a bit rough, but I knew that was coming. She started on Monday with assigning us 45 vocabulary definitions to memorize by Wednesday, only 5 of which was on the quiz. Not nice. Same this week and, apparently, same every week. She likes her vocab. And C++ is a strange programming language. I don't get seven lines of code and two lines of execution just to say "Hello World!" when, in Python, it was just one line and run. The logic of all of that extra crap will be hard for me to deal with. I was a nervous wreck by the end of lab, but that's nothing new. I had that same issue last semester.

But what didn't go well was the fact that my daily annoying little dull headaches have started back...the ones that started way before I got diagnosed with my migraines. I stopped by my doctor's office and, like everyone else, they think it's just because I'm not used to getting up early and they will fade as I get adjusted, but I think they are wrong. I am NOT a morning person, never have been, never will be. This is now week 2 and the headaches are still here.

I should have studied and done my homework this weekend, but instead, when my head wasn't pounding, I stitched. I kept saying I would only stitch for a few hours, then work on homework, but I do have control issues and when I start something, it's hard for me to stop. I said I would only stitch on Saturday, but the first thing I started Sunday morning with Snow and Charming again with the intention of homework come Sunday night, but again, it was an all-day event and by Sunday night, by head was hurting bad enough, I even had to stop stitching. Thank goodness Monday is a school holiday, so at least I can get my homework done tonight (hopefully). I left off here last week on the Charmings:

And obviously, with an all-weekend headache and only two days of stitching, I didn't get very far, but I figure every little bit counts, so here's where I ended up:

If I can manage some self control (somehow) and some weekend stitching (with some homework built in), maybe I can finish the Charmings come the end of the semester. We'll see.

But this whole headache thing has got me wondering again why I'm putting myself through all this. If I would have had a working printer at home Sunday night, I would have just printed off the University Withdrawal form, filled it out and emailed it back it in one whack. Luckily, I got a text from my school friend and she talked me out of it (temporarily), but I'm still considering it today. I have to make my decision soon before my loan money hits my account (I guess that's the ONLY good thing about the government shut down...it's delayed financial aid payments, but still, this whole situation is BEYOND ridiculous, all over a bloody wall...let it go Biff!).

I also had a couple conversations with my advisor about changing majors...she doesn't want me to. She thinks I'm where I'm supposed to be. My disability officer agrees and she even thinks that I'm just scared with doing things outside of my comfort zone, even though I usually always succeed and she gave me the "lecture" about how stepping outside that zone is worth it because it proves my abilities are strong when I do succeed. But what I had to explain to her is yes, that is true, but the discomfort and sometimes physical and mental torment that it takes for me to get through it to that success is often not worth the benefits of the reward and I often don't even want to deal with the reward afterwards because it was such an ordeal to obtain. For me, at least, the benefits don't outweigh the struggle. I'm not sure she understood that.

So right now, I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll go home, do homework, go to class tomorrow, and see how it goes. Get up Wednesday and do the same. Maybe, before I know it, it will be May and I'll have the summer off to REALLY think about what I want to do. But then again, an entire summer off might not be a good idea, but since I have to pay for summer classes out of pocket, and I need new tires and possibly new brakes...classes are out of the question. Here's hoping this doesn't end up another semester of whiny blog posts, but rather good school news and still cross stitch posts, eh?

Row 2 finish!!!

First off, thank you to everyone for your support as always. I did make a pros and cons list, but what it all boils down to is what I want and what I need. I don't want to go through the struggle of this education, but I need it. I can't ever make a pros list for things I "need". There is just no motivation for needs, but if this was something I wanted, I could write and epic novel's length list. Which is why, despite all the odds, I'm going to at least give school a few weeks. Worse comes to worse, I'm only out a couple of hundred bucks and have struggled through a couple weeks of extreme stress (it wouldn't be the first time). If I make it, then I'll be the better for it and I guess I'll go through the same discussion come next semester, and the one after that, and the one after that and maybe, if I keep it up, I'll eventually graduate and I'll won't have to do this anymore!

But, on the stitching front, I'm hoping I will still be able to manage to stitch this semester, although I'm not counting on it...I sure as heck didn't have time last semester and this one will probably have more work to it, so we'll just have to see. I left off here last week:

And I worked my butt off this week to finish the second row, which I managed to do late Saturday night at 142.78 hrs in:

And both pages together:

Obviously, the bottom two pages are going to be boring as sin because there is no faces or fun parts, but I still started on row 3 anyway, just to avoid dealing with all the things I needed to do to prepare for Monday morning (which, as of 7:39 pm on Sunday night, I still haven't obviously done). But alas I stopped here:

Again, since I'm leaving off at a weird place, maybe that will be enough to keep me going on this project during the semester. I have a bad habit of only being able to focus on one thing at a time, so either I'll make time for stitching in my free non-homework time, I'll not work on school stuff because I'll be stitching (like I ended up doing at the end of last semester with watching Once...which I'm still doing by the way), or I'll continue my bad Once habit and do nothing but sit and stare at the TV. Who knows how this early morning school schedule will affect me. I'm not the typical person that, if I get up earlier, I'll go to bed earlier. Wake time matters not in my world. I could still stay up all night given the chance and could sleep all day given equal opportunity. Wake time only affects my mood (as work shall soon experience...HA!).

Oh well, guess I'd better start doing all the prep work I've been delaying...or I'll continue to watch Once. Not sure yet!

Need a little "help" from my Blogger friends

School starts back Monday. I'm only not mentally ready, but it's brought up some questions that I'm not sure are just me being a chicken or if they are legit concerns, so I'm asking my impartial and extremely supportive friends for help. Work wants me to quit. I get little to no support from family because they expect me to fail anyway. The school obviously wants me to stay because they need students like me to fill a quota. And when it comes to "in person" friends, well, I just don't have any.

I'm still working 50-60 hours per week and that's never going to change. I tried finding another job, but truth be told, I'm just too comfortable here and they make a LOT of accommodations for my disabilities that other places wouldn't (basically, they deal with my bad behavior). But they are also HORRIBLE about accepting my class schedule and fight me at every turn. It's the reason why I have to take an 8 am class this semester. It's also the reason why I will NEVER be able to take more than two classes per semester...ever. I will NEVER graduate at this rate.

Right now, I'm only $2500 in debt. If I continue on, it gets worse. This semester adds another $2600 (because apparently tuition went up in five months) and so on. I'm not doing so hot in Computer Science, and obviously I've decided it's not the major for me, so even if I switch to C.I.T. and stay in my current job, it's just a piece of paper and I seriously doubt it would be that much of a pay increase. Basically, the only good it would do is if the company goes under, I'd be able to get a job elsewhere whereas now I'm not qualified.

This whole school thing started as a "life changing" need after my visit to the lovely Hotel California. I've dealt with that trauma and am now over it. I'm not sure I "want" to change my life anymore. I wish I just would have stayed on the house-building path. At least that was a goal I might actually finish. I need a bigger house. I need to get my credit cards paid off, not create more debt. And let's be honest, moving away and having a better life is probably never going to be in the cards for me. It's about as likely as me finding my prince charming. Some people just aren't destined for certain fates. I've accepted that.

But, and there is a but to this whole thing, am I just scared to go back to school again. There is an extreme build-up of social anxiety since I have technically been back to "normal" life for a month. Starting an entirely new routine with new teachers, new kids, new hours, new classes, etc...doesn't appeal to me in the least. It's one of the reasons why I always had issue with staying in school before.

And the second but is that Aspers are notorious for getting bored extremely fast and I'm already bored with school. It's not interesting to me at all. If I was taking Astronomy or Geology or Forklore Studies, sure, but Precalculus and yet another programming course that I barely scraped an A by last time? Ugh. And none of the "interesting" classes are going to get me finished with a degree anyway (the precalc isn't even going to do it...yet another class I have to take that doesn't "technically" count).

So is this a chicken thing or a "I'm just over it" thing? Is it an age thing? Is it a demons are resolved and I'm ready to get back to normalcy thing? Guess I have until Monday to figure it out, but what do you guys think and be honest. I know most of you guys want me to succeed and I would love to succeed too, but considering all the external forces, should I bother or is it even possible and why am I bothering in the first place? Is a piece of paper really going to change my life when I'm 55 or so (which is probably what I'll be when I graduate)? Tech is a young person's game, I know this and I'm not a young person. I don't like working in I.T., I'm just good at it, but everything I know, it's self-taught. Maybe I'd be better off just taking a course here and there rather than trying to get an actual degree (but then again, nothing like that is offered here).

New Year's Stitching-Will I make row 2 before school starts?

That is the question, now isn't it? I don't think I'm going to make row 2, but I've got one more full week and a weekend to try, so I'm going to give it my best shot. I left off here last week:

And managed to barely make it here by the end of last night:

This second row is proving quite difficult with all the confetti. I got tired of all the blue (again), so I hopped into facial territory and, as of now, it's a bit on the scary side (especially Snow's face), but considering how the top row worked itself out, I'm sure this one will too. I'm still holding on to that never-waving Snow White hope though!

My Supernatural plans to distract me from Once lasted all of three days. Ever watch a show and notice an actor that you never noticed before, but is now someone you know and you are now like "oh yeah, THAT'S where I know them from"? I knew that Ruby/Red had an episode role in a later season of Supernatural, but it was teenage Lily that threw me off course in S2E2 and got me craving Once again, especially since I left once Once only three episodes from the Lily intro (and Lily's adoptive father also played a demon in a later season of Supernatural, so there is that too). I tried hard to avoid going back to Once and went back to Sabrina first, but she was young Emma and I got distracted again. Then, since Colin O'Donoghue's newish movie is on Netflix, What Still Remains, I thought I'd watch that, but not to give any spoilers, but I don't like him as a character like that (and seeing him kiss ANYONE but Jennifer Morrison just doesn't work for me). I knew him before Once because of a horror movie called The Rite (which is also on Netlix now), but he was a priest in that movie, so no kissing. But something else I noticed, I thought that maybe he got a nosejob after The Rite because his nose was smaller in Once, but in What Still Remains, it was bigger again, and then it occurred to me that apparently guyliner makes a man's nose look smaller! Go figure! Not that I mind the size of Colin's nose in any circumstances, I just found it an interesting tidbit! I hate when actors get typecast, but I'm afraid Colin will henceforth and forever be Captain Hook.

So, alas, I gave in, and am back to watching Once. Since I just finished the Frozen half-season and started the Heroes and Villains half, then we are in Hook and Emma romance territory from now to the end of season 6, which means it will distract from stitching quite a bit. Then it will be Hades half season, followed by Gideon and marriage and final battle and separate 7th season, and then classes start next Monday. Ugh. 8am classes. I'm really gonna regret that decision, but I guarantee that by the time this semester is over with, my job will NEVER ask me to take an 8am class again! I am NOT a morning person and they will NOT be able to live with me for the next five months if I have to get up two hours earlier...so, the next five months might suck, but at least I will never have to go through it again!

I am also rethinking my whole summer school plans. I thought I wouldn't be able to go back if I was on break that long, but considering how short Christmas break was, I'm not sure summer will hurt me that much. I think I might need some "normal" time again. We'll see if I can even come up with the money to go to summer school since I have to pay for it out of pocket.

Oh, which reminds me...my missing programming teacher is alive! She emailed me thanking me for the well-wishes and said she'd see me in the spring! Then she managed to get on to me for stitching instead of studying my book for next semester, so she's obviously feeling better. Yes, I probably "should" be studying for next semester like she suggested, but I'm pretty sure that my next programming class is going to suck, I'm going to struggle through it, and I'm not in that big a hurry to deal with it until I absolutely half to. I want to stitch right now and not deal with it. It is, after all, my vacation, and I intent to enjoy it. Besides, I'm pretty sure my next programming teacher already doesn't like me, so what difference does it make. This is my deciding class on whether I stay in this program or change majors, and I'm pretty sure a major change is settling in the back of my brain as a very real possibility. We'll see I guess! I just hate that between programming and precalc, there won't be stitching time. Ugh.

Final Year-End Stitching

I held off on my weekly post since it was just one extra day before the end of the year. I left off last week here:

FINALLY finished row 1 for a total of 77.92 hrs (which is quite shameful for a three page row, but I guess acceptable considering how long it has been since I've stitched):

And decided that "operation row 2" is a go for the final two weeks of school break. Why not at least try to get in another row before the spring semester starts up again, right? So on New Years Eve, at 11:58, I stopped here:

It's a pretty lofty goal, but I figure that's my 2019 overall goal...loftiness! To be honest, up close it's not very pretty, but from just a short distance, I'm surprised at the level of detail that is coming through on this. I did find the original picture of the Snow and Charming art, which led me to a Hook and Emma that would make a matching set if I charted it myself, but then there would be continuity issues unless I recharted Snow and Charming too and I'm not willing to do that, especially since it was a gift. But it did make me realize that digital art is really not that difficult, if you know how to use Photoshop, so it's not like I can't find another pair of pics of the two couples and make a matching pattern set and chart it up if the mood strikes me. Besides, I have enough WIPs going right now as it is.

TUSAL-wise, this has also been the worst ORT year since I've been keeping up with it, but it goes to show how little stitching I did this year. Compared to all the years since 2012, it's pitiful! Next new years goal...stitch more, school or not!


I made the comment at work on Monday (another one of my "vacation days"), that hopefully 2019 will be better than 2018, but I got to thinking about it tonight, as I was stitching and watching NASA TV for the Ultima Thule pass by and something kind of occurred to me...2018 wasn't that bad, especially compared to 2017! Yeah, worked sucked, but it's getting better (and hopefully will get a LOT better once the bad doc is gone), I started back to school and (at least so far) am doing pretty good for an old lady, I didn't have any major medical problems this year, and my mental health, despite still being of the major hermit status, is still on the mend although I'll never be the person I was before my visit to Hotel California. The more I thought about it, 2018 is probably one of the best years I've had in a long time, even if it maybe didn't feel like it most days. It was a quiet year and I haven't had a lot of those.

I did take a break from Once last week to watch Sabrina (my that show is DARK!) and also got caught up on Riverdale (well, Netflix caught up, which means through season 2) and now I'm back to Supernatural to see if I can break the Once habit, which I figure will be back in full-swing once school starts back, but I'm OK with that. Whatever it takes. This semester is gonna suck, but it's also going to determine whether I stay in this major or switch to something else. I am curious to know if I'm just really bad at programming, bad at math, or I just had a bad teacher last semester. Might be a combination of all three...guess we'll find out soon enough! No matter which computer major I switch to, I have to suffer through Structured Programming anyway, so it's a burden I have to bear. And I still have a couple of science basics left that could distract me for a few semesters until I make up my mind anyway, so all my options are still wide open!

But anyway, I hope everyone has a happy New Year and that all your hopes and dreams come true this year! I think we could all use a happy one!