Just an aside...

I miss spell check in Blogger...that is all!!

I'm still here

Both Bam and I have been dealing with medical issues...Bam with his eye and me with my knees. I found out today that Bam can keep his eye (he was in grave danger of losing it), my knees are still up for debate (my doctor, or rather his office, is taking their sweet time about getting me scheduled with the proper someone). Bam came out of the vet's office with his head held high!

When I posted it on Instagram, I made a little joke about flerkens and him being so close to being pup-Fury and a member of Pups of S.H.I.E.L.D., but I truly am grateful he didn't have to have his eye removed! I was imaging all kinds of horrible scenarios of it getting infected and the bad things that could come from that! Plus, Bam would look horrible in the cone of shame!

I had taken him to work with me this morning because it's just easier than driving across town, then driving back to get him and driving another direction across town to the vets. I had planned to take him home after the vet (if they didn't get him any heavy-duty meds like last time (because my intern doesn't really care for dogs), but I literally barely got to the vets before work was calling me for an "issue" (yet another reason I haven't been blogging, shock, work).

I tried to get back into therapy, even going so far as to agreeing to go back to office visits, but apparently my insurance only covers 30 visits per year and I've already hit that. If I would have known that, I wouldn't have wasted them all on my "temp therapist" while mine was off on emergency leave! That makes me really angry, but there's not much I can do about it. By the time next year rolls around, I won't be able to go to therapy again because it's been way too long, so any progress I might have made over the past year and a half has been a total waste. I will need to make some medicine decisions, since I won't have access to at least one pretty soon, but it is what it is.

I've also been working on my family tree, but it often requires me to order books, since the information from other users is pretty much useless, so it's taking me FOREVER. But honestly, right now, it's the only joy in my life. Most days though, I'm so tired when I get home from work, I don't work on it like I did at the start. I just bring home a new book that I ordered, and pile it on my desk for my next cramming session, whenever that will be.

And that's about it, my boring, albeit quiet, but stil, here life!

Should this blog continue?

You guys know how I feel about whining...I don't like to do it. That's why I've been absent from blogging. Disney hit me harder than I thought it would and the after effects haven't been pleasant. I tried to make this post as short as possible, but you guys also know that I'm not known for breviety, so forgive.

On top of that, my health insurance stopped covering telemedicine, so I had to quit therapy because I couldn't afford to pay for it out of pocket. Ironically, my first therapist is back in her office, but I was doing telemedicine because of PTSD from trusting a therapist who locked me a looney bin (for prescribing me the wrong medicine that caused the issue in the first place). There is NO WAY I can step foot in a therapist office now (at least not at the moment, even four years later). I've been working with a therapist who has NOT been dealing with my PTSD for months now, and I've now knocked myself back even further with this Disney trip. Any progress my first therapist did has been wiped out.

And yes, as I always say, I never want to make comments about how much worse work can get, because I always put my foot in my mouth on that front, but here we are again, foot deeply implanted in mouth (along with half my calf).

Speaking of legs...both my knees are FRIED from Disney (they were pretty screwed up anyway, they just didn't bounce back this time and I can barely get up and down right now). I go to the neurologist next week, so I guess I'm getting a referral to an osteo while I'm there. Yea me.

And, not that it has ever mattered to me how many followers I have, but I've noticed that you guys are dropping like flies. It's probably because I'm not stitching anymore. Believe me, I'd give ANYTHING to get my stitching bug back, but I'm just not there yet. I started this blog as an outlet for myself because I hated other forms of social media (still do) and needed a place that could be a "show and tell" for what interested ME, not just a "popularity contest", like high school all over again. Blogging not only gave me a place to vent and express my opinions and loves, but there were similar people who shared those loves. But that's when my posts were "creative" and "interesting", at least to me and a select few (and somestimes only to me, which was OK). Now, it's just become sad and whiny, but more importantly, uninteresting joural-like posts..."today worked sucked, I had three panic attacks, my body hurts somewhere, I'll try to be a better blogger!"...it's getting REALLY old, and you guys know it. I never wanted to be "that" blogger. It may just be time to give it up.

I know I created this blog just for myself and not to please anyone else, that was even my initial moto...I didn't post for others, just for myself. I think that has changed over time. I realized I could help other Aspers, or people who live with those on the spectrum, deal with the struggles, by trying to describe what life was like for me, and maybe create a better understanding of our kind. I discovered I wasn't an Asper at all, but full-blown Autistic and you guys watched me come to terms with that in real time. Even those of us on the spectrum have our prejudges (or so I realized about myself). Then, there has been all the other mental health issues I deal with on a daily basis at ebbs and flows (or tsunamis and earthquakes). Then there was that FUN time I had in the Hotel California in 2017. You guys watched the fallout of that, which basically saw the initial burst of stitching, then the complete demise of it (which I still can't explain).

But it hasn't been all bad throughout the years, right? You've been with me on Disney trip after Disney trip, road trip after road trip. Cross stitch project after cross stitch project. We dealt with my Grandmother's death, the death of my relationship with my mother and my best friend (as well as numerous other people). We debated job offers that turned out to be bogus. Got our hopes up about moves to exciting locations, only to be crushed. We've been through TV shows (well, the same couple of shows, but still), new Duran Duran albums (just got the new one today, BTWs, and it's FABULOUS!), and the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe. We've had severe money problems, which we almost conquered, but now we're teetering on sliding down that hill again. We've lost both Zander and Zachary, only to be blessed with Bam and Bugs. And goodness knows how many other things I've forgotten.

Point is, despite the ups and downs and a long ten years, this blog is a huge part of me, and letting it go is a HUGE decision and not one I take lightly. There was a reason why I was building up all those videos before I uploaded them to YouTube...I have commitment issues. I get bored quickly. And that's exactly what happened with making videos. Closing this blog isn't a decision I will make on my own. I want your opinions. My long-term loves stick around forever, like Disney and Duran Duran and cross stitching, I may stop them for a while, but they have been with me for my whole life and will be for the rest of my life. Granted, long-term loves have been dropped for various reasons and I never pick them back up for whatever reason, but it's not without serious mental debate. We're in that phase now for this blog. This is 10 years of my life. It's not a short-term jaunt, it's a long-term love folks.

My dearest blog friends (and you know who you are), what do you think? You guys know me pretty well. Some of you have been with me for years, have seen me grow, regress, change, go up, go down, go back up and then down again. What are your thoughts? Obviously, like most of you, I don't blog for money. For me, it's also certainly not for followers (judging by the mass exodus and I'm still here). As my title suggests, this is just my world, and it's an ever-changing world, so my blog changes with it. But maybe this medium can't survive the way I'm changing? Maybe I'm just at another crossroads and I'm just questioning myself too much? I just don't know anymore. What are your thoughts?

Granted, in a month, I could be stitching again (or not). I've been debating buying a new computer (not good for my finances, but still), that would help with picture editing and other things, so maybe I could move away from Blogger and maybe build that website and a "real" blog like I've been threatening to do for years (but am basically too lazy to do). I've been working a lot on Ancestry and have run across all kinds of interesting characters that would make some great short stories, but I'm also having issues with just walking in the house at night, fixing somethiing to eat, plopping in front of the TV and not moving until bed. I have no desire to do anything else. I don't feel depressed, but I realize it's the classic definition of it. But that's for another post (maybe, depending on your responses.

I'm back...I made it (barely)

I'm back at work today, the routine I guess I needed, but didn't want. I've spent the last couple of days sitting on the couch, unable to walk, doing nothing but watching Q.I. (the Stephen Fry episodes only, of course), and hoping I didn't have to go to the bathroom very often, because I didn't want to stand up on my poor feet!

I made it down there, much later than I wanted to, because I forgot the time difference...such a rookie mistake! But it was pretty easy to sink into my regular Disney routine. I don't have pictures yet (more on that later), but I went directly to Animal Kingdom (with only two hours before it closed) and had my first "eating out" meal in over 2 1/2 years! Didn't even really give it a second thought! I went to the Pandora part of the park, but since I had just eaten, I didn't ride anything (plus, it was all very confusing), so I just took pictures, went to the nearest shop, and immediately dropped WAY too much money on crap. Second rookie mistake? I forgot to get a Conservation Pin...I haven't done that since the start of Animal Kingdom. I regretted it the rest of the trip and even attempted to get up the courage to go back and get one (although I never did).

First thing though, it was really hot, even for me. And even on that first day, wearing jeans, I got sun poisoning on my legs. I STILL haven't figured that out yet! How could I tan everywhere else, but get sun poisoning through blue jeans on my legs? That issue got steadily worse as the week wore on because I was wearing capris and my skin was ACTUALLY exposed to the sun, but I digress.

Next day was Magic Kingdom (and my B-day), and I did ride some rides, although not as many as I would have liked. I did the best I could with the crowds being as heavy as they were. I didn't get to ride Splash Mountain, which probably would have been my last chance. I decided that, instead of riding it with feelings of loss and regret over its inevitable upcoming change (I get why, I'm just not 100% sure it's the right thing to do...better to tear it down and replace it with something else than to retheme it, but again, I digress), I would keep the memories of enjoying it in the past. I did ride Haunted Mansion, Pirates and Small World. Not a lot, but those are some pretty massive queue lines. I did more shopping, more picture taking, and again, I left because I had my dinner ressie at Raglan Road.

My dinner went well, all things considered, and I made it in time to pick up my cake, although I didn't plan on the cake weighing three tons and me having to carry it 2 miles (OK, that's an exaggeration, but it didn't feel like by much). The issue was my room had ants, so I had to be very careful where I kept the cake, and for long I kept it where I kept it. It did make it home, but only because I had planned for almost every eventuality. I was supposed to go back to the Magic Kingdom that night for fireworks, but I just couldn't do it. I hurt too bad and the trip was only half over.

As per usual, the EPCOT day is always the worst, because the park is just too darn big. And with all the construction, the walls make the walking worse. I only rode Soarin' and Figment, but getting there and getting out almost killed me, and I still had all of World Showcase to do! I did walk the entire length, but I only ate at four Food & Wine Festival Booths, I think because I'm just not used to eating like I used to. By the time I got back to the room that night and went back to Disney Springs, I didn't need to get dinner because I was still full. Plus, by the time I had fought my way through the crowds, I just wanted to go back to my room.

The final day, I was supposed to drop my bags off with bell services and spend the day at Hollywood Studios, but I'm not sure if I was just too tired and sore, or if I was just too chicken (maybe both?), but I ended up just packing up, walking to Disney Springs to get my Earl of Sandwich sandwiches (my departing ritual, they keep for a while and I can't imagine a Disney trip without them), and I headed home. I could barely walk by this point anyway, so why bother fighting through the Studios?

All in all though, I did have a good time, but only in spurts. When I was in the park, on rides, I was OK. Shopping, again, OK. I almost lost it on every single bus ride I had to do. Yes, there was mask wearing, but with no social distancing (at all), it being as hot as it was and everyone breathing heavy, and definitely everyone sweaty touching, not to mention the fact that I turned full Asper on the bus and my senses were completely hyperactive to the point of pain, it will be a while before I can do that again, for sure. Plus, since they never announced the bus stops, I got off on the wrong stop every single time! I either had to walk all the way around the resort because I got off one stop too far, or had to walk to the next section over because I got off one stop too soon. I never once got off at the right stop. If it wasn't for the Apple Air Tags I bought, I probably wouldn't have been able to find my way back to the room at all.

Once I got home, the guilt of the money spent hit me like a ton of bricks. That has NEVER happened before! It was so bad, I have literally not taken a single thing out of the bags other than the purse I bought (which was never put in a bag in the first place, and I planned on buying on ShopDisney before I went anyway). They are all piled in my kitchen. And yes, I'm aware of how much I spent and I'm completely disgusted with myself, especially since it amounts to exactly five bags of merchandise. Yes, $2000 equals five Disney bags of merchandise. I suck. Have I spent more in past years? Yes, way loads...but I haven't spent like this in years and the guilt is enormous.

On top of that, not counting the money spent preparing for the trip, the vet bill somehow managed to be over $1000! I kid you not! I STILL haven't figured that out and I got an itemized statement! Yes, they both got shots and I bought food before I left, but still. Somehow, Bugs mysteriously got diarrhea and needed medication (which he hasn't had since he's been home) and somehow Bam got an eye infection with "green ooze" that he needed expensive eye drops that I have to give him twice a day. I haven't seen a single "green" spot (or any "ooze" at all, for that matter). Actually, the drops seem to be drying his eyes out. And, they were supposed to remove a cyst from Bam's back, but they just drained it. I can do that! That's why I wanted it REMOVED, not DRAINED. It would quit filling up if it wasn't there at all! But still, none of that should equal out to $1000! That is just ridiculous!

All in all though, despite my bitching, it was a good trip, just not my best. Maybe better than I was expecting in some ways, worse in others. Truth be told, there is absolutely NO WAY I can go back with my Sister by the end of this month. February...maybe, but not in a few weeks. Financially, I can't afford it. Medically, my body can't take it. Motor vehicularily, I don't want to put my car through the strain of another road trip so soon. Vetinarily, I don't even think the boys could take it (they did NOT have a good time...even leaving for work today, I left Bam screaming at the top of his lungs, it was heartbreaking). It may be a while before I go anywhere again. As a matter f fact, I need groceries now, and I can't even order them for pickup. I'm actually in a worse state right now than before I left. But that's not out of the ordinary for me. That happened before. Thankfully, I still have tons of cake left, as well as all the snacks I overbought for the trip to eat on (at least for now).

Speaking of which, I did film the trip to and fro, and I did film a couple of daily commentary vlogs, but I didn't do any "real" YouTube style "in the park" type vlogs. And I kind of decided, on the way back, that I think that I'm probably done with the notion of filming stuff for YouTube because I'm probably never going to edit these. I've been filling up a hard drive for a year for obviously no reason (other than wasting a perfectly good hard drive) and it's really not good content anyway. For now, at least, I think I need to focus on my family tree. Once I get that done, maybe I can get back to cross stitching! I miss it!

Anyway, enough rambling. I just wanted to give you guys an update, and I can't promise when I'll get pictures up because I have to use my old computer for Lightroom (unless I break down and do the monthly subscription thing, which I don't want to do, or start using Wine Bottler, which I'm not sure I want to start playing with something new right now either...I'm in a mood when it comes to computers, I don't really want to touch them unless I have to, hazards of the job). Thanks, as ALWAYS, to you guys for your love and support! You guys always have my back, no matter what paths I decide to take, and I appreciate that more than you will ever know! At some point, when I post the pictures, I'll comment on all the changes at Disney and how I feel about them (boy do I have a LOT to say about that!).

Disney Trip Update

This is still happening folks! I've added an extra day to my Disney resort, cancelled the Ocala hotel, added an extra night for the boys at the vet, added park days every single day of my trip, booked my one dining reservation (although I'm holding out for the new space-themed restaurant in Epcot that just opened up this week, but isn't taking reservations until this weekend, so I might end up with two), and I'm debating now which cake to preorder myself from Amorette's!

And yes, I also bought my annual pass. If I meet my Sister during her October trip, and we decide to go together in February, that pass will have paid for itself, so I'm not too worried about that. I did have to pick my brain a bit (as well as my therapist's), trying to decide the REAL reason why I wanted the annual pass...was it for the reason I just described? Was it also for the discounts (20% off of purchases and meals)? Was it for the special pins and other things you can buy with it that are passholder exclusives? Or was it just because my Sister has one (that is kind of a thing with me...I do have that bit of a jealous streak sometimes). It's probably all of the above over one or the other.

The plan is to leave at 7-8 pm and drive straight there, getting me there about 8-9 am, which is too early to check in, but I can go ahead and get my pass and take care of the paperwork (there will invariably be issues, this is me we're talking about here), and then head straight to my first park, until my room is ready. Bell services will hold my bags even before check in, although it's not going to be that hot that week, so I could just leave everything in the car since I have one of those slidy covers in the back of my trunk (gotta love an SUV). Since my first park is Animal Kingdom and it closes kind of early anyway, so I can go to bed early to make up for being awake for over 36 hours by that point. If my room is ready really early, maybe I can get a nap in, and then go back to the park and still manage to spend some time in Disney Springs, since it stays open late.

Yesterday I went to Target...inside (with my Sister, of course, I needed a chaperone). I knew I would have to go in to look at specific items. That's the first time I've stepped foot in a store in over two and a half years. Of course, here was an "incident" checking out that almost caused me to lose it, but I can't say I was surprised. I tried to wait on her to finish (she had an episode too, but she handled hers fine), but I just couldn't stand there any longer and I was about to snap, so since we took separate vehicles, I bolted. She didn't give it a second thought, I cried half the night. People (including my Sister) don't understand that things like this are why I have PTSD about going back to places. Go somewhere, something bad happens, never want to go back (and yes, I understand "bad" is relative...what is a blip to someone else, might be tragic to me, welcome to the wonderful world of Autistic Spectrum Disorder).

And, of course, there are things I HAVE to get done, like packing, battery charging, gathering items, even taking pictures of my stuff so I don't buy repeat items...but I've done NONE of it! I go home with good intentions, but I just turn on the TV and zone out. I started watching Disney movies I'm behind on, but that lasted five minutes. The first night I watched Frozen II (sucked), Onward (sucked, but not nearly as bad), and Raya and the Last Dragon (that was actually pretty good). The next night, nothing. The next night after that, I watched the live action Mulan, and I actually loved it! I don't see what all the negative fuss was about. Of all the live action movies I've seen (other than Lion King and Jungle Book, which both rocked), I think it was my favorite of the people live action. Last night I was going to watch Cruella, Soul and Luca (part of which I was going to watch after Mulan, but I ended up watching A Discovery of Witches again after Mulan and watched Witches again last night instead of anything Disney, another night bites the dust). I refuse to watch Maleficent 2 or the new Pete's Dragon and I don't own the new Mary Poppins yet, so that one is out. But what's left should catch me up.

Today, I did pull out the old GoPro to remove the vids from my last road trip, but, as per usual, one of the cards was corrupted, so I've lost a ton of footage. I tried everything to get it off, even downloading a card restorer, but even that didn't work. I don't know how much of that trip I lost (the one where I went through a bunch of Arkansas State parks), but that's what I get for leaving the card in the camera for months and definitely NOT using the stupid GoPro cloud service that I paid for! Lesson learned! I think that's why I prefer my camera and photos. I'm probably jinxing myself here, but I can't say I've ever had a camera card corrupted (or corrupted so much it couldn't be salvaged). These video cams just suck.

I'm not sure if I'll post again before Disney, but I'll definitely be posting after Disney! You guys know me, it will probably be hijinx galore with me! There is no telling how much trouble I will end up getting into. Stay tuned! And, I'll probably be posting a lot on my Instagram, so watch out for that too. I can't believe I'm going to Disney World completely unprepared for only four and a half days. I have lost my mind!

Soooooooooo

Funny thing happened yesterday...I booked a Disney trip! Yep, you read that right, me, little Miss can't go to the store, go through a drive-thru, eat take-away food, barely go to the gas station, booked a Disney trip! Granted, it was just a hotel outside of Disney Springs and a planned shopping trip, but in less than 24 hours, I'm already thinking about adding days, possibly getting an Annual Pass, and potentially planning the dreaded park days! How did all this happen, you ask? Well, as per usual with me, it's kind of a long story (but I'll try my best to shorten it...yeah, right).

I have been struggling with my birthday this year. I wanted to take that Massachusetts trip, the trip with my Sister, but that got cancelled because of COVID. We were afraid that certain states wouldn't "approve" of our Arkansas license plate and it probably wouldn't be a good idea to travel to multiple states anyway. Besides, we also couldn't agree on most of the trip, so it was better off it got cancelled. I've been really bummed about that. Then there was the matter of my b-day dinner. Most of you guys know I always cook myself a fancy dinner and bake myself a cake or something else to go along with it. Possibly sad that I do that for myself, but it's just what I do. I don't have anyone else and I HATE parties (not that I have anyone to throw a party for me).

I first thought I wanted a red velvet cherry cake (a concoction of my own making...that I haven't made yet), so I bought the ingredients. Then I decided on the ruby cacao pavlova, so I bought the ingredients. Then I decided on nothing. For the meal, first I thought about bangers and mash, but I can't make that (plus I'd have to go to the liquor store, which I can't do). We do have an Irish pub here (or whatever Arkansas calls an "Irish pub"), but I can't go in, so I'm SOL there too. Then I decided on goulash, so I ordered Hungarian paprika. Then I changed my mind again and decided on nothing (again).

Then yesterday, it hit me...even in my darkest days when I couldn't go to the store before, I could still go to Disney World, and Disney World has an Irish pub (Raglan Road) and an amazing 7 layer red velvet cake at Amorette's Patisserie. Before I knew what hit me, I had texted my Sister to see if she would be mad at me if I booked a shopping only trip to Disney (since both those locations are at Disney Springs, which means I wouldn't have to go into the parks, which is what I have been afraid of all these years). My Sister has been begging me for MONTHS to go with her on her Disney trip next month and I've been refusing because I was too scared. I was afraid she would be furious, but she was super excited! She even said now we could go back in February to the Festival of the Arts (seeds being planted...this would haunt me later).

Initally, I had decided I needed to talk to my therapist before I did anything, but that decision lasted all of ten minutes! Before I knew what had happened, I had booked two nights at Saratoga Springs (one of the resorts I've never stayed in, but always wanted to), booked Raglan Road for my b-day, called the vet to board the boys, booked an extra night in Ocala so I wouldn't have to leave too early and could drive back the next day (and $400/night versus $120/night is a vast difference), and that was that! It all went down so fast, I couldn't even think about it last night, so I didn't. I just zoned out in front of the TV.

Then I woke up this morning, and my gears started turning...thoughts of annual passes (another $1400 mind you, but there is a method to my madness), so I could go to the parks if I wanted to (a three day park hopper pass was going to add $900 to my trip alone, and that's just park tickets, APs do SO much more), With an AP, I could go a couple days with my Sister in October if I wanted to, and it would cover February (plus, anything I buy is 20% off, that alone, especially the way I spend in Disney, is worth it). I did decide to go ahead and call the vet and tack on another day for the boys in case I don't make it back in time since they close early the day I was originally planning to come back, but that got me thinking about cancelling the Ocala ressie and tacking on two days at one of the value resorts (that I hate with a passion, but I could still pick one I've never stayed in before so I'm still checking off the list) and it's only $150/night, $30 more than Ocala, still in Disney, and I could leave early a day later and still make it home in time to pick up the boys.

I've been numb all day. I spend an entire year planning a Disney trip, but now I have literally a bit more than a week! There is no time to get my hair done, I can't get my nails done (because I can't go in to a nail salon), and a million other things I do before I go. At least I'm driving, so I can take full bottles of shampoo and stuff, since I can't go inside and get trial sizes (those are too hard to buy online for pickup). Then there is ALWAYS the possibility that I'll get there and not be able to leave the room. Thank goodness Saratoga Springs is a DVC resort (basically a timeshare), so if I can't leave the room, then at least I can sit there and eat chips, jerky and licorice for my b-day, since it has a mini kitchen! I think that's why I'm holding off on booking anything too advanced, there is always the possibility I can't follow through. I have until Monday before I'm locked into the Ocala res, but I think that decision will be made by end of day today, one way or the other.

Then there is the issue of the actual shopping. So much for my debt paydown! I literally will be charging the equivalent of a iMac by the time all this is said and done, not to mention the damage I can do with purchasing! I'd like to say I've learned my lesson with spending, but that's BS, I know myself better than that. I'll be grabbing everything and anything I can get my hands on! After all, I haven't stepped foot in a Disney park since 2016, I've got some catching up to do! And here I go talking like I can actually leave the room...but I have the feeling that, once I get there, I'll be my old Disney self again, and, who knows, maybe this will fix me altogether?

So, that's the news so far...definitely more to come in the next couple of days! I doubt I'll be able to film video of my trip, I'm so not there yet of filming myself in public, but, as per usual with me, there will be pictures galore!

Happy Blogoversary to me (yesterday)

As per usual, I forgot my Blogoversary, but hey, better late than never, right? And this is a big one, 10 years! I went back and looked at my first post on Aug 30, 2011...it was short (yep, believe it or not!), but it was also quite ironic in it's wording:

This is my first blog post and I'm hoping all will go well! Facebook just isn't for me because most (o.k., all) of my "friends" don't like the same things I do, so it's useless for me to post updates about my life since they just don't get it. I've created a blog for me to share what's important to me to no one in particular (might sound sad, but there is a method to my madness). I'm going to be posting pics of my cross stitching progress, books I've read, movies or television series I've watched, or am watching, music that's important to me, and other random musings about nothing in particular. So, here goes, and wish me luck!

Ah, sweet naive me! If I only knew then the twists and turns my life would take since then. I ended up posting about a lot more than that. I told my life story (pretty much all the dark and dirty of it). I ended up sharing more of my Asper world (that I didn't intend to go into much at all). I started out participating in a lot of stitching groups tryiing to fit in, but they just made me feel more uncomfortable (I don't do well with expectations). I tried to be a "joiner", I'm just not the type. I did the April A to Z Challenge numerous years in a row, but my OCD got the better of me and I ended up doing two, then three challenges in one year and it just got to be too much (because I can't do anything in moderation). And oh, the Disney trips, tips and tricks, and pics I ended up sharing! I probably Disney'ed you guys out!

This has been a rough year, I gotta say, but I made it through it (or at least I think I have, sometimes I wonder). When it comes to blogging, and especially cross-stitching, it has been a HORRIBLE year, and for that, I must appologise to you guys. I would say, "I'll do better next year", but that would probably be a lie, since I'm still in the same frame of mind right now that I've been in, at least for the past two to three years, so I'm not going to bother (and I think I actually tried that last year in an effort to try to "visualize" it into existence...so much for that crap working, right?).

I did have the "brilliant" (lots of quotes this blog, huh?) idea of starting a YouTube Channel of all my exploits of living in the world as an Asper, my "travels", as they are, and I've filmed a lot of stuff. But filmed is all I have done. I've done nothing to learn how to edit and I've edited nothing. I just keep taking trips. some small, some big, and keep loading them on a hard drive with excuse after excuse as to why I can't do anything with them. To be honest, I think I'm just scared to take that next step of actually posting them somewhere for all to see. Blogging is one thing, vlogging is a whole other beast. Oh well, at least when I'm ready to start editing, I'll have plenty of material to keep up a schedule, since I can't afford to travel that much.

Speaking of travel, my big Massachusetts "discover my roots" trip is off. I've decided that it's just not a good time to be travelling right now, vaccinated or not. The more I learn about my geneology, the more I'm finding out that I also have roots in Maine and New Hampshire, so what was going to be a quick "run through" those states to cross them off my scratch off map, now has to be part of the journey, so that requires a reboot of the trip. My Sister and I also aren't seeing eye-to-eye on what this trip is about, so I also think it's best to regroup and maybe either go at a later time, or maybe not go together after all. The trip ended up turning into something else, and I wasn't happy about it. I need to bring it back down to geneology.

But as a year goes, on the positive side, I have traveled quite a bit for a hermit and seen new places (even if I still can't walk in a store). I've tried twice to eat take-away now, both times I ended up throwing away the food for one reason or the other, not eating it. I'm just not ready for that. On the bright side, stopping sodas and eating out has trimmed my waistline, even if it's just a little bit. And, as guess, another positive note, I'm back in therapy, even if I've been dealing with an incompetent therapist for four months, waiting on my regular one to come back (this one likes to "distract" and get me talking about stupid stuff, instead of focusing on problem issues...yes, it puts me in a better mood, but that's not what I'm paying $400/hr for, or rather my insurance is). But hey, I've also found an amazing new hobby that's got my mind running ninety to nothing...geneology! I don't now how long it will last,but obessions have always been good for me, so yea me!

On the negative side, no stitching (or not much) to show...I can't even remember when the last time I stitched was (although I guess I should look and post about it). It just doesn't work as the distraction from life that it used to. I wish I could get back to it though. Maybe when this geneology thing wears off. And don't get me started about work. I think you guys have heard me bitch enough about that subject. I think I've just resigned myself to being stuck here. I tried to move on, but apparently, no one else wants me. The Cali guys got my hopes up all over (again), only to let me down (again), which I should have seen coming, but it still blindsided me. I think my lackluster resume is what did it. I explained to them my situation, what little education I had, that I was self-taught, nothing in that piece of paper they didn't already know. But oh well. Then, when I started looking around elsewhere, I started noticing a trend, the first question EVERYONE asked me was, "what's your degree in again?". Damn. I hate those words. So, I've just given up.

But, you guys know me, I never give up completely. This whole geneology thing has started me on a new path, one I've mentioned NUMEROUS times in the past, so it shouldn't come as a shock...I've been looking at a degree is History again. I want to make sure this is not one of my short-lived fads again first, but I've done some serious soul-searching about this and I see it this way...I'm about to be 51 years old this month. It will take me approximately 3-4 years to finish a degree of any kind working full-time. Everytime I take one of those apptitude tests that tells you what you should be, it tells me an artist or a computer tech. I lost my artistic talent years ago (after I dropped that major the first time) and I've gotten where I really HATE working I.T. I'm getting too old for it, I'm female and it's a male dominated world, and frankly, I'm just sick of dealing with the B.S. of it. Just because you're "good" at something, doesn't mean that's what you should do, you should do what you "love" and I hate both of those things. I "love" history and literature and always have.

Yes, I realize I can't do much with a history degree, but so what? I have a job. Maybe I take it further and get a masters or even a doctorate? I don't have to teach, historians do a lot of work outside of academia. One thing I've noticed just going through my geneology, is the lack of information there is in certain areas I've been researching...like the Scottish witch hunts that took place in the 1590s (almost 100 years before all the other witch hunts across the world), or King James's (yes, THAT King James) obsession with witches and demons and the book he wrote himself BEFORE he commissioned his version of the bible (he was a bit off his rocker, FYI). Anything negative about James is pretty hard to find, and I'm not sure why. His history and "lifestyle" was pretty well documented. Maybe it's one of those subjects no one wants to touch with a ten foot pole (I'm not too scared of it, but still). But there is also enough stories about my family specifically, especially how so many died in the battle of Flodden fields I have typed that date so many times in death dates for individuals, I know it by heart...9 Sept 1513). I would love to find out their stories and tell them as a family. And there were so many other battles as well. I could spend the rest of my days writing books about my family! But again, just a thought, and I need to make sure I'm serious this time. I tend to change my mind a LOT!

I can get my degree in something I love, keep my day job (for now, I definitely don't want to stay here forever) and maybe write a book in my spare time and see what happens. Or maybe get a job as a historian somewhere else, and start a new adventure. Who knows! But it is a new path, and one I need to make sure I'm serious about first, but also one I probably should embark on before I get too old and too forgetful to go back to school in the first place. My memory definitely isn't what it used to be!

As far as my future with blogging, I'm not going anywhere (at least I don't think so). This is my "home" online, one of the few I have. I still don't post on Twitter, rarely post on Instagram and I also still refuse to open a Facebook account again (and yes, I know FB owns Instagram, but I try not to think about it, and I'm hoping the FCC will split them up soon). I still want to start my YouTube Channel and maybe build a real webpage, transferring my blog over there, but that would require more I.T. work after hours, and I'm not a fan of that. The fact that I have to use a computer to do geneology is annoying enough. I don't like to touch a computer when I go home (a byproduct of my crappy work life, I guess...I didn't use to be that way, but it's probably another reason why I definitely don't want to major in computer science anymore, they've gone from fun toys to annoying thorns in my side).

As always, and I feel like I don't say this enough, I can't thank you guys enough for supporting me, being there for me, and offering me the support that you have over the years, but especially throughout these last couple years. I know I have been extra whiny, and even I find myself hard to take, so I don't know how you guys put up with me, but you're always there! That's why I love the blog world more than any other! I love that you guys are honest with me and, even when we disagree, you offer your different opinion and we discuss it like rational humans...I don't even get that with the people who are physically around me. This is how relationships should be, which is why you guys are more my friends and family than anyone else, and I love you all.

Until my next post, stay safe my friends! And thank you for being there for me for 10 years! Here's to 10 more (and let's hope the next 10 are WAY better!).

An Ancestry update

So, I have been chugging along on Ancestry.com, almost every single day after work, sometimes, even leaving work on time (yes, you read that correctly, some days I'm only working 9 hours a day, instead of my usual 12!). Maybe one day, I'll get down to 8!

I did discover that the more American of my friends tend to be WAY more interested in their family history than the more European of my friends here. I found that extremely interesting! I do wonder if it's because you guys are surrounded by so much history, you may be a bit more immune to it than those of us in the States are. You're records are extremely well documented (hence the ease at which we can trace our lineage). The oldest structures or museums or anything of stature we have here are 300 or so years old at most (other than natural places or Native American structures, most of which aren't taken care of...just look at the way the natural parks have been treated during the pandemic, it's deplorable...don't get me started on THAT rant). But some of you are surrounded by places that are WAY older than that, built on structures that are sometimes upwards of thousands of years old. Anything in this country that we have in that time range, our couple of hundred year old ancestors, tried their hardest to wipe off the map (although some still do exist).

With someone like me, whose ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower and haven't been here since the beginning of the colonies, my ties to this country aren't nearly as strong as they might be for others, I'm literally in the wrong county (like Tiff said on Instagram, no wonder I'm an Anglophile, and she's right...my DNA is craving home). Since I was a little kid, it has been drilled in my head that I am Scottish, and thus it was how it was. Yes, I was also told I was Native American, Polish and Greek, but my Scottish blood was stronger (or so my dad said), and the "rest didn't matter", so of course, being a daddy's girl, I believed him. I didn't realize how true he was...to an extent and probaby not in the way he intended. I have found things that would make his hair curl (well, his hair is already curly, like mine, but still)! Yes, my Blair line is definitely Scottish, but not leading back to the Scottish nobles and royalty he always believed, but to the rogue royalty that sided with the English (sorry to my English friends, but it was war, after all!). Most of that Scottish line also originated in England when I go back further than the 1200's. I had NO CLUE about this part of my history.

What has been ultimately shocking is that my hillbilly, redneck, moonshining, maternal grandfather, who I was always told had a full-blooded Native American mother (which he is, although I apparently got none of that blood somehow) and a half-blooded Native American father mixed in with something else (they thought probably Irish) because of his skin color and bright red hair. Well, turns out, barely two generations back from him, he was also VERY Scottish, and less than two generations back from that, they were nobles, then eventually royalty as well, and the very loyal Scottish kind...Scottish born and bred. Considering how this family is now, I'm just mind-blown!

To make it weirder, the Blair line and the Henderson line, crossed paths MANY times! Technically, obviously may times removed, my mother and father are cousins (and yes, my DNA results did confirm that my father is my biological father and my mother is my biological mother)!

I've also come across a MAJOR roadblock with my maternal grandmother's lineage. I can't trace it back further than her father (some accounts show him born in Austria, some Czechoslovakia, my DNA answered the question-probably Poland). Her mother I can only go one generation back. Both lines completely die out after that. No documentation whatsoever! It's freaky!

Speaking of which, my DNA results are back a LOT quicker than I imagined (especially since I still have almost two months of my three month subscription left, so yea me)! I did post this on Instagram, but since I can't help it, I'm going to do it again! I have watched dozens of videos of YouTubers going "yep, I'm white, big shock!", but I think I might actually be one of the whitest people ever! Not sure how to feel about that. No Native American blood at all, although that would explain why I have more yellow skin and my mother and Sister have more red skin. But the breakdown is as follows:

I think the English and Scottish are pretty self explanatory. The Northwestern Europe includes France, Luxembourg, Swizterland, The Netherlands, Wales and Belgium. These lines were easy to trace because royal lines can be easily traced on Wikipedia, but I found they referenced several books on the geneology of certain families, so I found it easier just to buy the Kindle versions of these books and found them more accurate and more detailed in some aspects. I found too many inconsistencies with the information on Ancestry.com, since I was dealing with other people and I don't feel like they were looking up their information very well, just really copying it from each other. You guys know me, I'm a stickler for documentation!

The littler percentages were also pretty easy, once I broke them down and went back further. I basically took a line directly from Robert the Bruce (one of his daughters to be precise) and followed her line in a straight line. So, on the Eastern Europe and Russia line, it was Poland, Urkraine and Slovakia that stood out the most, but those areas I haven't hit yet (definitely grandmother's...got to be). It's the Irish, Swedish, Germanic, and Norwegian (as well as Icelandic) areas that I've been digging up left and right. Granted, I also got stuck in the Spain royal lines, but they always link back in to both the French and the English lines, so that's probably why.

I'm going to keep on this path, one kid at a time, and eventually, everyone will be so inter-related, they will all mingle out. I'm sure one person will be related to me in 20 different ways by the time I'm done! But I've hit the Stewarts (before they became Stuarts), the Medici's, and, of course, EVERYONE is related to Charlemagne in some way, so he's there too. So many people from history that we all know...Louis XIII, who I've always had a fondness for, not just because of the Three Musketeers, but because he and I share a birthday (obviously about 369 years apart, but still). And even his Queen, Anne is a very distant cousin (hence my long day yesterday into the Spanish royal line).

I've started to REALLY get the hankering to go back to school again, only this time, history is calling me, and I'm pretty sure it's all due to all that I'm learning over my family. I swear, a few more months of this and I could ace a history degree! Everytime I run across a new battle or something I didn't know, off to YouTube I go to find out all about it! Since a massively large chuck of my relatives died at the Battle of Flodden Hill (I wish I had a dime for every time I've typed the death date of 9 Sept 1513...now I just know they died during the battle), I'm obsessed with it now. Not a lot of English relatives yet, but a TON of Scottish ones from both sides.

I did have to buy a new chair and desk. Working at the kitchen table is KILLING my back! I guess I'll have to dismantle the kitchen table, since I have no room for both. We'll see when they come in. I worked so long yesterday, that I had to sit for a few hours, get up and walk around, or watch TV for a while, and then back at it. I am completely obsessed! It's not making work better (nothing can do that), but it's making me forget work, at least for a little while, so that's good enough for me!

And on a final note, when it comes to new books, I've found several on my quest through Ancestry (and just browsing Amazon) that are blowing my brain even more...there are actual books about my family! The first one I found was the book I mentioned last post. I have since read it, and it wasn't a romance after all. It was good, but I'm not sure why she felt the need to mix reality with fiction. Why use my 8th Great Grandfather's true story (and I got the grandfather's wrong...that book was my 8th), but not use his real family, use other real-life characters, but then add fictional ones. It was all highly confusing. I think the true story of his struggle would have been better than adding the witchcraft element. But whatever. I still need to leave an Amazon review on that one. I'm just composing my thoughts.

I also found myself referencing another book from both Ancestry and Wikipedia called The Henderson Chronicles, and, considering how it read (like a late 1800s, early 1900's, I'm surprised I found a hard copy of it at all!". It was incredibly helpful until I got off on the this royal tangent. But THEN, I found the piece de resistance....Autism in History - The Case of Hugh Blair of Borgue. Yep, that's right, there is a book, about a Granduncle of mine, that was documented posthumously, as having Autism! The case of his life was famous enough, I guess it sparked enough people to write, not one, but a couple of books about it. This one just seemed the most interesting. I had to get the paperback, because the hardback version was literally $150 bucks! I have ALWAYS said my Autism comes from my father, but this could definitely be the proof! I haven't had time to read it yet, but I'll get there.

I have taken another trip, and yes, this one went off track as per usual. I just haven't had time to edit the pictures yet. With all that is happening with COVID again, I'm not sure we're even going to be able to go on our Massachusetts trip. It depends on if the boosters get approved for the rest of us regular immunocompromised folks sometime soon (asthmatics and the like). Right now, it's only for the severe immunocompromised and the elderly (which is FABULOUS...one step at a time and one step closer!).

And I guess that's all for now! More updates to follow, I'm sure! If you guys have traced your lineage, who famous are you related to (well, other than Charlemagne...we all end up there eventually, right?).

Updates and Ancestry

I do have another trip in the works, but I had to get some stuff done to my car first (and almost ended up buying a new one in the process...I came "this" (mimicking a teeny tiny little finger squeeze) close! In the end though, the vehicle I was looking at (the same as mine, only newer and a couple of steps up), wasn't silver, so I passed. Yes, I am THAT shallow that the color of my vehicle matters that much, but I do have several conditions that would make my life hell if I wasn't happy with the color of my car, so I guess it's not all about selfishness. They are, however, looking for a silver one, so it ain't quite over with yet.

Anyhoo, since I was waiting on my awful dealership's service department to "fit" me in to their busy schedule of overcharging and fixing things that probably weren't broken in the first place (the sales department is great...service sucks), I broke down and got the Ancestry.com kit with the three month subscription and have been working on that ever since. The Blair line has been easy...Scottish history is easy to document, so I've got that back to the 13th Century and am still going, it's the rest of the family I'm having issues with.

But, on the Blair side, I hit my 8th great grandfather (which I knew was the personal priest to Robert the Bruce), but my 9th great grandfather was apparently the true inspiration for a romance novelist named Elizabeth Laird (some distant relative of mine), so I bought that book (haven't read it yet and a bit scared to read a romance book involving a grandfather, but oh well). After that, then I get into the Lords and Lady's of the family and I found some Stuarts in there (although I haven't dug into that branch yet, but I know where that line leads, ha!).

I was getting annoyed by all the date descrepancies, but then I remembered the Julian to Gregorian calendar change, so now I'm not sure if I should try to figure out the real dates, keep both dates, or what. I think I'll just keep both dates and let sleeping dogs lie. Just trying to keep up with what I'm finding, plus adding it to my own family tree software isn't making me happy and is wearing me out (and I don't like how it imports from Ancestry...I'm using MacTree and I really like it, but Ancestry formats wrong, and I can't have wrong formatting).

I figure that my DNA results won't come back before my 3 month trial is up, so I'll have to continue on a few more months, which is fine because I'm pretty obsessed right now. There are so many lines to follow and I don't want to be restricted to just one. I want to follow every branch I can. It's all pretty interesting. It does feel weird to get information from other family members trees. It feels like I'm leeching off of their work, but I'm finding issues there too and I'm having to double-check it all (but again, once I remembered the Gregorian calendar issue, that solved a lot of problems).

Have any of you guys done any geneology research? How did you find the best way to do it? Do you have any interesting stories? I figure my DNA will get me the interesting stories since not a single relative has reached out to me (yet...mine are the type that would need proof of who I am...my Asperness comes from that Blair line). Do you guys have any tips for me? Honestly, I'm probably just finding another way to avoid editing videos, but this is really exhausting stuff!

Trips for YouTube Part 4 (I think I'm just collecting vids now...)

The last trip to Kansas I took was a long one. The longest trip I've taken in a while. Turns out, Ritalin was apparently my key to driving success before. Now that I'm no longer taking it, 27 hours in a car is just WAY too much for me. Even two hours from home, I was looking for a hotel! But I did make it home (eventually), although not without some MAJOR issues!

I had everything packed and ready, alarm set, but I hit the snooze way too many times and over slept. So, once again, I didn't get out the door until almost 5:30 am. The road reminded me a lot of driving through Alabama, fog everywhere:

But the towns in Missouri are the same small Southern towns we have just about everywhere here:

The plains did remind me a lot of the movie Twister, even though I was still in Missouri:

I did find one of the few rare bathrooms of the trip a bit on the weird side...it was pretty on the outside, but the inside had this huge exhibit about the history of the plains. Nothing on the inside but toilets and a massive exhibit! I felt weird walking around taking pictures considering it was so close to the bathroom, but oh well!

Bit of backstory, the day before, I got a bit paranoid and checked the air in my tires. They were fine, but I topped them off just to be safe. Now, back to the current location...Ossawatamie, Kansas. By the time I arrived on this road (creepy, right?):

...my tire light was on, my gas light was at --- miles left before I was completely empty (I have NEVER gone that low) and I had no clue where the nearest gas station was! Thankfully, I made it to a gas station, but it was the first gas flub of the day (oh yes, there was more than one). The pumps were labeled so weird, one gold and one yellow, both labeled Octane 87 (which isn't right)! Gold typically means E85, which my vehicle doesn't take, so I crossed my fingers, chose the yellow, and hoped for the best. Whatever it was, it was almost $5.00 a gallon! Regular 87 Octane is about $2.87/81 down here.

On the tire front, I looked at the station, but it was VERY crowded, so I could tell they were OK, I probably just overfilled them (which also causes my light to come on). I thought I'd go back to the other scary road (it was a VERY specific location I wanted to go to), and just let some of the air out, but again, foiled in my plan.

So, where does that brick road in Kansas lead to you ask? Apparently, an old U.S. Postal Service Psychiatric Hospital! Yes, apparently the Postal Service has their own (or had their own) asylums! It is still active, but not in the same capacity. I wanted to go down to this old abandoned bridge called Asylum Bridge (which is where I was going to check my tires), but there were people there. I did get some pictures of the hospital though.

The part of the hospital still active:

By the time I got to Lawrence, Kansas, I think I kind of realized that I'm filming more video than I am taking pictures. I just don't have a lot to show you guys. But honestly, I think I could live there! It was a great little town! This shows NOTHING, but here is the downtown area:

And there was even a purple house just for me (although, in all actuality, I HATE Victorian architecture and probably couldn't live in a 100+ year old house)!

And since I was on a bit of a Supernatural tour, I did also go to Stull Cemetery (and got pictures of it). I went to the other Stull Cemetery too, but I couldn't get close to it because of gates. I didn't take pictures though, only video, but I do have pictures of the "popular" Stull:

Of course, as I got close to Witchita, typical Southern weather popped up:

I wanted to get out and take pictures of the capital, but I was to chicken (shock):

After that, I was headed way out of the way to a place called "the top of the world" (which I couldn't figure out how Kansas, the flattest place in the U.S., could even have), but I found another place that was an overlook of sorts that saved me quite a bit of time, so I stopped. When I pulled in, there was one car, but almost immediately, another car pulled in, two parents and a teenage girl, and they practically ran up on top of me and none of them had masks on! I literally said "WOAH" out loud because the girl was skipping right towards me! I must have said it loud enough because the mom grabbed her daughter and pulled her back. But they still walked right up to the plaque I was reading (there were 12 plaques around the area I was at, they could have picked any of the other 12). I immediately walked to the next plaque, and they followed right behind me! I left the plaque area and headed to the overlook. I had been waiting because the lady that was there when I got there was taking her time enjoying it and I didn't want to interrupt her, so I just stood back until she was done and it was my turn. It wasn't the "top of the world" obviously, but it was a nice view:

Looking back towards the plaque area...the family left and didn't come to the overlook. I don't know why. By the time I had my panic attack when I got back to the car, the parking lot was completely full, but it was already getting full here:

Kansas as a lot of towns named after big cities, but I thought it was neat how Manhattan, Kansas displays their city sign:

Another sign I've been lacking in the photo department, I passed the world's largest ball of some weird kind of twine, but I didn't stop...I need to do better with photos!

By the time I got to the Geographic Center of the U.S., I had to pee REALLY bad. I hadn't seen a bathroom in FOREVER! I also needed gas again, and again, no gas stations! But I decided to go ahead and walk around.

I started to take a lot of pictures, probably the most I'd taken all day, filming all the while, I even posted a selfie to Instagram (yes, you read that right...a selfie...although I was also watching a bug, so I wasn't eyeing the camera right). But then, yet another disaster, I tripped and fell (but hey, I actually took a picture on my way down, so I haven't completely lost the photo gene!). I fell really hard, so I kind of sat there for a minute, gaining my composure, glad no one else was there, and deciding I was done. I got back to the car and realized I had lost my reading glasses, so I had to go back and find them. There was a little chapel there, and you guys know I'm not religious, but I stuck my head in there and said, "hey, go easy on me please, I can't take anymore today, thanks!".

Even though I was low on gas, REALLY had to pee after falling, and had even stepped foot in a church, I still had a bucket list item to cross off...marking off another state on my scratch off map. I was less than 10 miles from Nebraska. Obviously, by the time I got to the sign, there was a truck parked in front of it, so I couldn't stop (shock):

I decided to go the further 2 miles into Red Cloud, Nebraska to see if they had a gas station...they didn't. There was an original Burlington railway station there, but since every side road was gravel and I REALLY had to pee, I gave up on that and turned around, but it was a cute town (I tend to find abandoned towns cute, is that weird?):

I went back to Lebanon, Kansas (another Supernatural fictional town, but a real Kansas town), and this is the weirdest gas story of all. I pulled into the station the wrong way (which I have NEVER done in the history of any automobile I've ever had), so I had to circle around. Then, once again, I ended up pumping $5 gas (even though it was labeled $2.81...I still don't get that). I asked for a receipt, but it didn't give me one, it said I had to go inside to get one, which was fine because I had to pee, but the door was locked! I think I got gas at a closed station! The lights were all off inside, so I have no clue how I was able to pump gas! I took a picture of the pump so I had proof of what I pumped (in case I got ripped off), but me and my full bladder got back in the car and hit the road again).

At this point, I was really done. I spent hours and hundreds of miles looking for a bathroom, only to not finding one, or chickening out at the ones I did find (because they were scary). By the time I got to Kansas City, Missouri (which is a pretty dangerous town), it was night and this was one of the last pictures I took:

What ended up happening, just as the sun was rising, I pulled over on a gravel road and "natured it". I haven't done that since I was a kid! I still don't know how I didn't get caught, but my god did I feel better and I was ready to get home! I even got to lt some of the air of my tires at that point.

All things considered, even though this trip had more bad things happen than the last trip, it was still WAY more enjoyable and I had a good time. I just need to find a better way to sort out bathroom breaks and figure out gas breaks. There are literally hundreds of miles of nothingness in Kansas without gas stations, so I need to remember that for next time!

Before I can go anywhere again though, I have to get my oil changed and get some little things fixed in my car. But I have been taking "after work" trips to local state parks. You guys know I'm terrified of trees, especially forests, but I'm realizing that, after I have a miserable horrible work day, going to a scary place is distracting me from the hell of my day. It's a strange situation, but I've done it like four times now. I'm filming it, but I keep forgetting my camera. I probably should carry my old point and shoot in my purse for such occasions, so I can at least still take pictures.

Anyway, these are the four big trips I've taken so far. I'm planning a huge trip to Massachusetts in the fall, but I have a few others in the works as well. I just have to get my car worked on first. I have to keep it in tip-top shape so I don't get stranded in the middle of nowhere (because I often really end up there!).

Thanks again guys for all your support, and hopefully I can edit these and have enough of a stash built up because, since I don't get to travel that often, I won't be able to keep a routine YouTube schedule on what little bit I have so far anyway, and they say the key to success is a routine schedule.

Part 4 is coming, but...

Things haven't been great in Keebles World. In fact, they've been really bad. I honestly don't ever say the phrase "things can't possibly get worse" because I know what karma comes with that, but I must be saying it subconsciously or something, because the ramifications have been kicking me in the behind every single day. I may get a reprieve for a day or two, but then then everything kicks back in with a vengeance. I believe it’s official…work is trying to kill me. I don’t even know how to handle that situation at all anymore. I just cry all the time. Every single day is just a test to see how much closer I can come to sheer madness. I don’t think they are doing it on purpose, that would mean they actually care.

I thought I had a reprieve on the horizon, the old California job offer reappeared at my absolute lowest point, and I was SOOO excited, especially since I could stay here and work from home for as long as I wanted (or move to Cali, my choice) even with the same Cali pay, but I haven’t heard a word since.

Granted, there are some behind-the-scenes issues on their end that are delaying things, but it feeds back to one of my fears from the first go-round that kept me from taking the job, I’m not truly sure of their commitment level. The first time, all this happened way too fast, this time, it’s not happening fast enough. I’m starting to worry it may not happen at all, especially now that my hopes are up. I do have trust issues though and patience definitely isn’t one of my virtues.

On top of all that, my therapist had an emergency that is going to keep her out until September, and they have placed me with someone who isn’t versed in my case, isn’t an Asper specialist, and seems more interested in talking about herself than listening to me (although technically I’ve only had one session and I don’t like change, but I also get a good feel for people from the get-go, so I’m sticking by my initial impressions). It’s like starting all over again, only this time, I’m not in a comfortable, or safe, situation.

My med nurse keeps trying to shove more pills down my throat, which I am actively fighting. Obviously, as I have told them many, many times, the meds don’t help. Meds are for moods and anxieties caused by chemical imbalances. My moods and anxieties are caused by my different wiring. Meds can’t fix wiring. Sure, they can keep certain neurons from firing, but that screws with the function of my brain which screws with me, and I don’t like it. Plus, she's talking hospitalization, not here, but at the state hospital. Yeah, no.

So, where does all this lead? Do I just keep toughing it out hoping that California comes through in the nick of time? I’ve been looking elsewhere, but the job market is scarce for someone like me with no real marketable skills. I could request a medical leave from work from my med nurse on the grounds of mental health. Wouldn’t that make work happy? But that could jeopardize any future job offers. It’s like I’m just stuck in an opened grave, with the dirt falling on me very slowly from above, and I can’t get out. I’m just waiting to be buried alive. Every so often, I get this rush of adrenaline and try to dig my way out, but then it rains, making all the dirt muddy and slimy. I just fall back down to the bottom and sink, waist deep, unable to get out again. I feel like I’ll never stop fighting to get out though, I’m just not built for anything but that survival instinct. Whoever is throwing that dirt down though is just determined to keep me in there at all costs.

I hate that my blog has become a "Debbie Downer" world. I wanted it to be lighthearted and fun. Full of cross-stitch and Disney and pups and travels, but still with a glimpse into what life as an Asper was like, since I got diagnosed not long before I started my blog. The more I learned about myself, and my condition, along the way, the more I shared, in hopes of helping other adults. But these past couple of years have seemingly become so full of anguish and fear, partly because of my 2017 experience in the Hotel California, but also because of my job (one of the few spaces that was always safe has become toxic and almost unbearable, but I have to tolerate it, at least for now). This wasn't the part of my life I wanted to share, but I feel like I need to because it's not all sunshine and rainbows being on the Spectrum.

I still have that ever present hope gene that things WILL get better and I can fix this somehow, so I will keep working to do so. I will try to limit the negative posts as much as I can, but I will also try to keep you updated because I know there are some of you out there that care and I don't want you to worry. You guys know I'm not religious, but I know there is a saying that god won't give you anymore than you can handle...well the dude must think I'm all the Avengers put togther or something! He needs to let off, seriously! If it's motivation to get me moving in a certain direction, I'm doing my Asper best, but be patient...it's not as easy for me to make rash judgements on huge life decisions or make changes to long-held routines as easily as it is for a neurotypical person! I need more time, not more pushing!

Anyway, I've rambled enough, I'll leave off here for now. I finally have the last Kansas trip pictures edited, and I'll get them uploaded in a blog post soon. Wish me luck on the job and that I hear something ASAP! I have been doing some weird things and posting them to Instagram. I still can't eat out or go in a store, but I've been walking in the woods? Yeah, my brain is going haywire! There aren't a lot of posts, but I'm working up to things slowly. I'm also trying to stay away from stories over there because I don't want there to become a here. So thanks to everyone for supporting me and sticking by me, hopefully, all this negativity will go away soon!

Trips for YouTube Part 3 (and yes, STILL no vids!)

#4 - The one that partially got away and has a bit of a backstory...

It happens to every YouTuber, you film a video and you lose the footage. Well, my excuse isn't that good and I still haven't posted anything to YouTube yet (but we'll get to that). This trip wasn't like any of my others...it wasn't planned, I decided last minute not to go, then ended up going anyway, I ended up adding more stops...stops that were bad for me (and I knew it). It was a total cluster-fudge and, as per usual, it's a LONG story!

The first part of the trip was good. When I was a baby, for at least the second year of my life we lived in a tiny town in Southeast Arkansas called Stuttgart. My birth parents were still married and, even though you aren't supposed to have memories from that age of life, I do...two to be specific. One involves our car breaking down and we had to walk home along the railroad tracks. I remember my parents fighting (my dad blamed my mom), but I also remember riding on my dad's shoulders (because I was too small to walk, let alone walk along the tracks. As they fought, it was if my dad and I were in this whole other space, just having a total blast! It was a very weird situation, but I was remember this with the memory of an Autistic infant, so who knows the real story...neither parent tells the same story, so my memory is all I have.

For some reason, I decided I wanted to visit Stuttgart, the home of my one happy memory of my parents being married. I wanted to look around and try to find the house we lived in as well. Apparently I cried a lot while we lived there (I found out why, but I'll get to that). My father worked in a furniture store that burned down, and I wanted to see if I could find that too, but we are talking like 49 years ago, so I had to text my mother (who, at the time, was on her way to Pennsylvania with my aunt, neither one I'm technically speaking to at this time, so that made the texting conversations "interesting").

I asked where the furniture store was...mother couldn't remember. I asked where our house was, she could only remember it was a block away. I asked her the name of the furniture store...she couldn't remember. I was getting VERY frustrated. But with the help of Google, I found a document that someone wrote on the history of the town that told about the burning of the furniture store (actually there were two that burned due to a gas explosion), so I had names and then she remembered which it was. The paper even gave me the location! Once I Googled it, the lots were still empty, so I could street view the block over and I IMMEDIATELY found the house and I screenshot a pic to my mother, who concurred I had the right house. She told me there was no way I could remember that because I was only 2, but I did, go figure!

This is the point where it gets weird...she reitterated that I cried the entire time we lived there, and it wasn't hard to find out why...next door was a church, and three doors down on the other side was a frickin funeral home! Seriously? Once I told her that, she just texted, "well, makes sense". Gee, thanks for ruining me in my formative years mother, make your spirit sensitive infant child sleep three doors down from dead people!

So, the day of the trip, I chickened out and went back to sleep. I woke up about 8, but I couldn't let it go, so I got up and made myself get ready. By 9:15, I was in the car (I had everything ready to go the night before, so there was only me to get ready). But I sat in the driveway for a while debating what to do. At 10:22 a.m., I left home. That was my first bad move.

Obviously, since I didn't plan this trip out well, I didn't look at the map for days on end like I normally would, so I didn't have a good plan in mind, and I DEFINITELY didn't have the route down. When I realized I was in West Memphis, I was panicking BIG TIME!

For those that don't know, there are two bridges in Memphis that cross the Mississippi River, one that goes over the I40 towards Nashville (we call it the old bridge) and one that goes over I55 towards Jackson (aka the Hernado Desoto...or the new bridge for us old people). Well, the "new bridge", which was built in the late 60's, is now unpassable (and closed) due to a broke beam that makes it structurally unsound. DISASTEROUS to all traffic coming in and out of Memphis, especially since the old bridge (build in the early 50's) can't handle all the traffic. It's been a logistical nightmare ever since since Memphis is a MAJOR transportation hub for land, sea and air, so me heading straight toward that mess scared the life out of me! There is literally no other way to get across the Mississippi other than 100 miles North or 150 miles South.

Luckily, it turned me down the Little Rock exit before the bridges, but not so luckily, every single trucker this side of the Mississippi was also going the same way! It was bumper-to-bumper semi's and I was MISERABLE! I normally prefer interstate driving, but I couldn't stand this, so the first side road that got me to heading South, I took it! Had I studied the map more, there was a MUCH easier way to go. It should have been a two-hour drive. It took me two-hours to get out of West Memphis in mid-day Saturday traffic!

By the time I got to the regular road, I was already a nervous wreck, but I continued on. The scenery was bland, but the further South I went, I started to understand something that I've been complaining about for years about people who make fun of Arkansas...maybe not all of it is like where I live and Arkansas is a little "worse for wear". I'm always very defensive of this state for someone who hates it, but I guess I've never been to the Southeast much. Stuttgart wasn't that bad, but, for the first time ever, I was a bit more scared than I normally am. I found the places I was looking for when I got to Stuttgart and took pictures (and I'll post all those below instead of in my normal format).

I was driving past the house a few too many times, and they were apparently preparing for wedding at the church, so I was attracting attention, so I pulled over and started talking to a man who was staring at me. Yes, let that soak in a bit...I STOPPED AND TALKED TO SOMEONE! I managed to mask my way through it very well, but when I got back in the car, I barely managed to control myself before having a total panic attack. I'm surprised I held it as long as I did!

Now, here is where I screwed up in EVERY sense of the word. I decided to go to West Helena where the next Mississippi River crossing is, mainly to see what the next bridge actually looks like (because I haven't technically ever crossed it to my knowledge, and, I was getting annoying because the news outlets kept calling it the Lula crossing and Lula isn't even close to that bridge and I wanted to prove it to myself and my (future) viewers!

Again, the trip across was fairly uneventful, but the areas kept getting worse and worse. I was definitely out of my element and I knew it. I go through Mississippi ALL the time and have been through most of it, but apparently not much of Midwest Mississippi. When people I work with complained that Mississippi is the state they are most scared of, I never understood that. Now I do. I would go through heavily populated areas and hear very close gunshots, I could feel the unwelcomeness of my presence (and race wasn't a factor...some towns were white, some were mixed and some were black). The poverty level was astonishing and heartbreaking, but I dare not stare, I just kept driving.

But then I made another HUGE mistake...by the time I crossed the Helena bridge, it was pushing 5 p.m. Vicksburg, Mississippi is a place I've been several times and HATED it every single time, but I've NEVER gone alone. It's like Gettysburg and Pigeon Forge had a baby in the poorest part of the South, so it's a HUGE Civil War battleground, memorial, burial ground, on the river, but with tourist attractions all over every square inch of it, but there is still a good chance you could get killed at any moment because of the crime rate. At least Gettysburg is respectful enough to keep the town away from the battleground! I don't know what made me decide to make Vicksburg where I crossed back over the river to this side, but I still dread that decision. I ended up on a street that looked like a mix of Bourbon Street in New Orleans and Charleston, South Carolina, going 5 mph, bumper to bumper, drunk people everywhere, crossing from bar to bar, at 8:45 p.m. I just wanted to go home and couldn't get out!

I don't know how many of you have been to a battleground or cemetery of any kind, but a lot of times the feeling of not being able to escape is often felt, even by those who have no wu-wu vibes by nature. It took me well past dusk to get out of Vicksburg and get across the bridge, only to end up in Louisiana, back into more scary towns that you see on those videos about the worst towns in America. I wanted to go as far as Monroe, LA and cut straight up, but I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to take the worst route possible that would get me back to the interstate in Pine Bluff, then to Little Rock. But again, the night (and my GPS) had other things in store because I ended up going straight through both the middle of both Pine Bluff and Little Rock (as well as North Little Rock)...the latter being at 11:30 p.m. on a Saturday night! How I didn't get shot is still a miracle!

Needless to say, it almost put me off trips altogether, but I have since taken another one (and that's a WHOLE other story), but there is one more snag in this tale...as I was loading the videos from the trip after this one, which was HUGE and took all my memory cards, I reorganized all my vids, so that, when I get ready to edit, I'll have them all in groups. But then I discovered that, the three memory cards from this trip were the first half, the BAD half, and then the dark going home half where things started to get quiet. Apparently, I forgot to copy over the BAD half! I remember thinking as I was taking pictures, "well, no need to get this, I'll have the video!"...guess that was moot. And since I reused the card, no recovery software will work. Ugh, just ugh. It happens to every YouTuber, and I still haven't become an actual YouTuber yet! More Ugh!

Oh well, it's all over now, so on with the pics! Here's where I started to get really uncomfortable, when the world started to look like this everywhere...

The little Main Street of Stuttgart, the empty lot of the furniture stores, and my parents poor house (in more ways than one)

The HELENA BRIDGE (not LULA) that crosses the Mississippi River

Good thing I'm obsessed with water towers, or I would have completely missed the fact that I drove through the birthplace of Kermit the Frog! I had no clue at the time!

The Vicksburg version of Bourbon Street

Part of a Civil War Cemetery next to a red light with a gas station and a strip mall on the right-hand side

Crossing the Mississippi back onto "my" side...and even this far South, they had signs about the Memphis Bridge being out (and all the way through Little Rock as well)

Took this right before I heard a gunshot...I was gonna stop because I didn't think anyone was around and I liked the dichotomy of the newish Chase sign and the dilapidated building, I was apparently wrong about the alone part because I heard another gunshot just as I got past it.

If I didn't need to use the bathroom so bad, I wouldn't have stopped, but I have to say, I don't think I have ever been so happy to see this sign in my ENTIRE life, and I still hadn't gone through Pine Bluff and Little Rock yet! But alas, this was also the end of the pics (because I thought I would have plenty of video).

And that's it! Trip #4, the one that almost stopped them all! But wait for it, there is a trip #5 and it was HUGE! I really need to learn to edit videos, but now I have an issue with my old Lightroom not working anymore, so I also can't edit the pictures from that trip (hence the delay with posting this trip). I'll figure it out if I have to pull out my old Sony laptop! Which format do you guys prefer? Pictures with the story, or afterwards? Let me know!

Trips for YouTube part 2 (still no vids though)

#2 - Kansas

It obviously has been a LONG time since I've been on a "real" road trip...COVID has seen to that. Even now, I'm still not going in stores, still not eating out, still not going anywhere but work, but I needed to take a road trip for my own sanity. I miss my trips because they are my "thinking time"...the time I use to clear my head.

After the first cemetery visit though, I was more than leary because it wore me out both physically and mentally and the thought of travelling a few hundred miles was definitely pushing it. I had been buying snacks and drinks (I have quit drinking Cokes, I'm still not sure of the reason why, I just decided to stop), with the intention of going to Kansas every weekend, but weekend after weekend passed and I never went...I just kept eating the snacks at home and drinking the water and the bottled unsweetened tea. Most weekends, I would leave work early on Fridays with the intention of getting up early on Saturday, set the alarm for 3 am for me to get up, but I would just turn it off and go back to sleep, and spend the weekend on the couch doing nothing.

Finally, a few weeks ago, the alarm went off and I turned it off, but I had another one set for 3:30 a.m. This one I played the snooze button game with till about 4:30 a.m. and just decided enough was enough and dragged my butt off the couch and started to get ready! From that moment on, it was like old times. Everything was as methodical as the trips I used to take, until I got in the car and then there was a bit of a panic attack moment, but by 5:45 a.m., I was heading out of town and up into Southern Missouri!

You guys know how I feel about interstate walls, but unfortunately, there wasn't a lot of interstate roads on this trip, so I had to make due with granite:

I know she's a bit of a hot topic subject now, but I stopped at the grave of Laura Ingalls Wilder, not because I'm a fan of her books or Little House on the Prairie, but because I spent countless hours in my Grandmother and Aunt's house watching that show over and over and over again while my Aunt gave a play-by-play because she had probably seen it as many times as I've seen Once (don't get me started on them and the Waltons or Walker Texas Ranger).

And, I did opt for her grave instead of her house and museum. The graveyard was weird...pretty much surrounded by houses on three sides, except for a bus garage and an open field on the fourth side. I was also surprised at the number of tombstones vandalized and toppled over, especially in a residential neighborhood:

It didn't take me long to hit Route 66 though...I've now been on Route 66 in five States, so I need to add to that total!

At that point, I was starting to feel like I was in the movie Twister...the scenery really looked like tornado alley!

I went to Carthage to go the battlefield:

But they were doing some road construction and I was trying to avoid humans, so I ended up going on to Kansas into Galena and ended up at Schermerhorn Park, playing by the water for quite a while (I'm still not sure why). I did collect a couple of rocks for my collection, so it wasn't a total waste of time.

I probably should have looked up who Schemerhorn was (and will probably do for my video), but I also drove by his house, which, although in a total state of disrepair, was quite beautiful, in a weird way:

Then it was time to find the Cars stuff, although some of it was a bit cheesy:

I stayed at the Luigi's place for a while, even walking out in the road to get a picture of the Route 66 road sign in the middle of the road:

But then I noticed this truck drive past me three times, another truck slowed down to an almost stop and stared at me, and someone else pulled in, so I figured it was time to leave. But next door, there was this very house of the seven gables/serial killer house, so I had to get a picture of it too (well, actually I got several).

Then it was on to Baxter Springs, Kansas...the place where I used to buy lottery tickets all the time. I had a particular gas station that me and my ex-best friend used to go to, but they had a tornado that wiped it off the map, so I needed to find another place. In the process of looking for one on Google Maps, I found another Civil War site called...wait for it...Fort Blair!

I wanted to go up and see it, but it was literally just in a town square and there was no place to park at all. It was completely surrounded by houses and even the side of the road didn't support parking. I circled it about ten times until I felt like I was drawing attention to myself taking pictures out my window, and I just had to leave. I found another oddity on the map, which was called the Rainbow Curve Bridge. It was the last remaining march arch bridge on Route 66, and I had the run of the place to myself, so I walked around for a good 20 minutes just taking pictures and video.

I had several other stops on my map, but it was getting late and, now that I'm not on Ritalin anymore, it's a LOT harder to drive for 33 hours straight, so I had to narrow it down. And, some of the places had a lot of people at them, so that prevented me from stopping as well. The next (and final) stop ended up being a marker that was supposed to be at the Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas border...but it took me FOR-EV-AH to get to it! I'm not sure if it was just poor reception and the GPS kept losing connection or if Oklahoma is just that backwoods, but there were times I got genuinely scared I was gonna get Hills Have Eyed! Eventually though, I did find the marker, and, although I got pictures of all three sides, I couldn't wait to get out of Oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping through the tree-covered roads that creep me out more than anything else in the world and serial killers wait to eat your guts)...here is "my" side:

That was probably the most exposed I felt the entire trip...it was on the main stretch of road, there was a liquor store across the street, and a reservation just down the hill. I had a LOT of attention standing there taking pictures, so I was in and out pretty quickly. Then I figured I'd better start heading home soon so I wouldn't be driving too much in the dark. I have been on that road dozens of times before (once I got back to the main road), but I swear I have NEVER noticed the part of the road where I'm literally going under rock like this!

And it was a common theme a lot of the way home!

I have never understood why they need to dynamite their way through rock to make a road...just lay it on top of the mountain! I drive through mountains all the time! But, I will say, I'm not sure when Arkansas started taking cues from Texas, but I was surprised to see this:

For those that don't know, you pretty much won't pass under a bridge or roadway in Texas that doesn't have either the state flag or the state shape itself embedded in the concrete (sometimes even a yellow rose). It's kind of gaudy and annoying and now Arkansas is starting it...yea). Needless to say, I made it home about 1:30 a.m. or so and, again, was just as worn out as the cemetery trip, but maybe I'm getting better considering this was over 20 hours and the cemetery trip was just 4. I was lucky, in that I didn't encounter another human other than the clerk I bought lottery tickets from and she didn't speak to me, I just spoke to her. I stopped for gas twice and rest stops twice, but still, no human interaction. I wish I could say the same for the trip I took last weekend, but that's for another blog!