Part 4 is coming, but...

Things haven't been great in Keebles World. In fact, they've been really bad. I honestly don't ever say the phrase "things can't possibly get worse" because I know what karma comes with that, but I must be saying it subconsciously or something, because the ramifications have been kicking me in the behind every single day. I may get a reprieve for a day or two, but then then everything kicks back in with a vengeance. I believe it’s official…work is trying to kill me. I don’t even know how to handle that situation at all anymore. I just cry all the time. Every single day is just a test to see how much closer I can come to sheer madness. I don’t think they are doing it on purpose, that would mean they actually care.

I thought I had a reprieve on the horizon, the old California job offer reappeared at my absolute lowest point, and I was SOOO excited, especially since I could stay here and work from home for as long as I wanted (or move to Cali, my choice) even with the same Cali pay, but I haven’t heard a word since.

Granted, there are some behind-the-scenes issues on their end that are delaying things, but it feeds back to one of my fears from the first go-round that kept me from taking the job, I’m not truly sure of their commitment level. The first time, all this happened way too fast, this time, it’s not happening fast enough. I’m starting to worry it may not happen at all, especially now that my hopes are up. I do have trust issues though and patience definitely isn’t one of my virtues.

On top of all that, my therapist had an emergency that is going to keep her out until September, and they have placed me with someone who isn’t versed in my case, isn’t an Asper specialist, and seems more interested in talking about herself than listening to me (although technically I’ve only had one session and I don’t like change, but I also get a good feel for people from the get-go, so I’m sticking by my initial impressions). It’s like starting all over again, only this time, I’m not in a comfortable, or safe, situation.

My med nurse keeps trying to shove more pills down my throat, which I am actively fighting. Obviously, as I have told them many, many times, the meds don’t help. Meds are for moods and anxieties caused by chemical imbalances. My moods and anxieties are caused by my different wiring. Meds can’t fix wiring. Sure, they can keep certain neurons from firing, but that screws with the function of my brain which screws with me, and I don’t like it. Plus, she's talking hospitalization, not here, but at the state hospital. Yeah, no.

So, where does all this lead? Do I just keep toughing it out hoping that California comes through in the nick of time? I’ve been looking elsewhere, but the job market is scarce for someone like me with no real marketable skills. I could request a medical leave from work from my med nurse on the grounds of mental health. Wouldn’t that make work happy? But that could jeopardize any future job offers. It’s like I’m just stuck in an opened grave, with the dirt falling on me very slowly from above, and I can’t get out. I’m just waiting to be buried alive. Every so often, I get this rush of adrenaline and try to dig my way out, but then it rains, making all the dirt muddy and slimy. I just fall back down to the bottom and sink, waist deep, unable to get out again. I feel like I’ll never stop fighting to get out though, I’m just not built for anything but that survival instinct. Whoever is throwing that dirt down though is just determined to keep me in there at all costs.

I hate that my blog has become a "Debbie Downer" world. I wanted it to be lighthearted and fun. Full of cross-stitch and Disney and pups and travels, but still with a glimpse into what life as an Asper was like, since I got diagnosed not long before I started my blog. The more I learned about myself, and my condition, along the way, the more I shared, in hopes of helping other adults. But these past couple of years have seemingly become so full of anguish and fear, partly because of my 2017 experience in the Hotel California, but also because of my job (one of the few spaces that was always safe has become toxic and almost unbearable, but I have to tolerate it, at least for now). This wasn't the part of my life I wanted to share, but I feel like I need to because it's not all sunshine and rainbows being on the Spectrum.

I still have that ever present hope gene that things WILL get better and I can fix this somehow, so I will keep working to do so. I will try to limit the negative posts as much as I can, but I will also try to keep you updated because I know there are some of you out there that care and I don't want you to worry. You guys know I'm not religious, but I know there is a saying that god won't give you anymore than you can handle...well the dude must think I'm all the Avengers put togther or something! He needs to let off, seriously! If it's motivation to get me moving in a certain direction, I'm doing my Asper best, but be patient...it's not as easy for me to make rash judgements on huge life decisions or make changes to long-held routines as easily as it is for a neurotypical person! I need more time, not more pushing!

Anyway, I've rambled enough, I'll leave off here for now. I finally have the last Kansas trip pictures edited, and I'll get them uploaded in a blog post soon. Wish me luck on the job and that I hear something ASAP! I have been doing some weird things and posting them to Instagram. I still can't eat out or go in a store, but I've been walking in the woods? Yeah, my brain is going haywire! There aren't a lot of posts, but I'm working up to things slowly. I'm also trying to stay away from stories over there because I don't want there to become a here. So thanks to everyone for supporting me and sticking by me, hopefully, all this negativity will go away soon!