I did it!!

Today was supposed to be the first day of a week long vacation from work, but the phone calls started before I even woke up and I was in the lab by 2:30p. Typical. The ONLY good thing about being on salary is at least I did waste a vacation day with the three hours worth of work I ended up doing, but it's still not officially a vacation (and I'm sure tomorrow will suck just as much).

Despite everything though, a very late night last night and tonight, I finished Lilo and Stitch Otherwise, and under my goal of 300 hours...although just barely at 292.73 hrs. Anyhoo, on with the pics! I left off here last weekend:

Finished the row just a little after 11p:

For a total finish:

I got it ironed and ready for mounting (and then off to Hobby Lobby for framing). I am having trouble deciding on how though. I'm not quite sure it's the kind of piece that should be matted. I may wait a few days before I decided for sure (and if anyone has any thoughts, just let me know). I'm not sure how I'm going to spend the rest of the year stitching yet (my gut is leading me to Alice and the B's), but I'll do a regular weekly stitching post as well as my final year's totals (which are SOOO gonna suck).

Oh, and in case anybody didn't notice it, the hidden surprise in the picture did actually turn out in the stitching (although it still creeps me out a bit):

A hidden Nemo...lying on the ground...a fish...lying on the ground...ugh. I wonder about the intentions of the artist.

And just like that...

One of the weirdest things about being an Asper is how much control I give to my emotions despite the screaming of my logical brain at my idiocy...I am quite aware of how I should be reacting to situations, but knowing and doing are always two separate things in my world. Nine times out of ten, this is why I end up with headaches and it's why I've had a headache since last Friday. My work issues aren't because of me or anything I'm doing, it's because I'm allowing another person to expose and manipulate my insecurities...my brain knows this, my emotions see finger-pointing and stares from people who aren't even involved in the situation and, unfortunately, emotions trump logic every single time.

Last night, I stopped by the drug store to refill my meds and then to get Chinese food (I'm weird that way too, caffeine, MSG, chocolate, all the things you are not supposed to eat when you have a migraine tend to clear mine up). On the way home, I turned on the radio (meaning my iPod...I'm too old to get what is being played on the radio these days), and three songs played in succession. First up:

Perfect example of the state I'm in now. Next came:

Suddenly, my head started winning the war and I was just thinking how grateful I am to have my boys when the penultimate song came on:

And just like that, all my work problems were put into perspective and my headache started to wain, even before eating the Chinese. Today, I'm not completely headache free, but I'm in a much better state of mind.

This year we've lost a lot of great artists and I know that one day I'll lose one of my boys too, but for now, I am so grateful that I have them and have had for 35 years of my life (and here's to 35 more years). 2017 WILL be different because I will make it so with the help of four guys from Birmingham.

As to the backstabbers at work:

Weekly Stitching

For the first time in a very long time, I spent almost all Christmas weekend living in headache-land and it totally sucked. Unfortunately, I know exactly why...the joy that is my job and some very particular co-workers. Thank goodness I get to go back to work tomorrow and start it all over again (insert sarcastic smirk here).

We've also spent most of the weekend without water (except at night). Apparently, the jerks next door were illegal digging and broke a water main. Sick headaches and lack of water do not mix well, so I tried to stay as drugged up and knocked out as possible (which is why I haven't been online all weekend).

And what happens when I do get online? I find out that George Michael is gone too. 2016 is the worst year ever. If I knew of a New Year's party, I would actually go just to kick this horrible year out the door!

I did get some stitching done, most of which was today, but still. I left off last week here:

And at least made it to here tonight:

Thank goodness I spent a lot of time stitching before the weekend and there wasn't a lot of confetti in this section. Unfortunately, I can't say that about the last page.

It's still up in the air whether or not I'll finish before the end of the year, but I am hopeful. At least I've got some time off around New Years. I initially took vacation days for the new pup, but since he's still sick, it will be a while before he's ready. Again, I'm pretty hopeful that all will be well on that front too. Why do I even bother with hope?

Bam got a red ball replacement from both his Mommy and his Auntie Am. He's having a hard time deciding which one will be the official new red ball (even though one is actually purple - believe it or not, that was Auntie Am's gift). I will say that squeaky balls and headaches don't go well together though, so it hasn't been pleasant.

Guess we'll know for sure whether or not I finished Lilo and Stitch by next weekend. Keep your fingers crossed.

I also got RAK'ed again this week...meet Bringer of Light by Jasmine Becket-Griffith:

And the really cool thing is that it's an oldie which means NO DITHERING! At least I have plenty of new stash for 2017...that is if I manage to finish my already started projects that I've been ignoring since Lilo and Stitch. I am looking forward to getting back to a normal rotation again.

Weekly Stitching

Considering that I had a VERY long work week, I still managed to get a chunk of stitching done. I left off here last week:

And, although I finished the first page and got a chunk of the second page done, I'm still too far behind to finish by the end of the year:

I'm still holding out hope that the extra days around the holidays will give me adequate time to hit my deadline though, even with the extra work time that I'll also be putting in next week.

I did go back to therapy this week. I'm trying to be better at recognizing when things are going south and I'm making the effort to head them off first. The therapy itself doesn't help a bit, but I think that talking it out with someone who has no interest in me whatsoever makes it easier to say things out loud that I need to hear so that I can process it better internally. The joys of being an Asper!

I'm going to try to get caught up on reading blogs next week. I know I've been horrible about it lately and I've missed seeing everyone's progress. I've also managed to get way behind in emails yet again. I've really got to try to do better all the way around.

Oops, I did it again!

Despite only having a 25% off sale, I couldn't help myself and ended up getting yet another HAED to add to my stash.

Jasmine Becket-Griffith, Voodoo in Violet


So much for my new cross stitch storage shelves and all my room to "grow". I've already out-grown them!

R.I.P. Red Ball

Almost 20 years ago, a cheap dog toy that was included in a doggie stocking arrived at my house. Zander was its first owner and he loved red ball even though subsequent years saw the introduction of a blue ball, green ball, orange ball, and even a pink one (which mysteriously disappeared into the trash can because I hate pink). Although every single ball was the same (other than the color), red ball was the only one that ever got played with. Then Zachary came along and the red ball wars begun. It wouldn't take them long to start fighting over it, so red ball would get "put away" for a while until they could share it (which only lasted a couple of weeks before it got put up again).

Once Zander was gone, red ball became the sole property of Zachary who loved and played with it almost every single day...that is until Bam came along and the red ball wars were renewed in earnest. Red ball stayed "up" until Zachary also passed and it became Bam's favorite companion. It went everywhere with him and he never ate or slept without it. Granted, it had to be occasionally bathed in the dishwasher to get the "doggie slime" off of it, but it survived through all the love and torture it was forced to endure.

For some reason, Bam decided that red ball had lived enough and last week he murdered it...in cold blood. I'm not sure if red ball committed a heinous act to deserve such a fate or if Bam has serial killer tendencies that I'm unaware of, but needless to say, I'm going to have to deal with red ball just as I did with pink ball, but I haven't been able to do it just yet. Bam spends a lot of time searching for his missing red ball now (I'm not sure if he knows what he has done...could he have blacked out the entire incident?).

The search for a replacement red ball has begun, but it's darn near impossible. They just don't make them anymore and "any 'ol red ball" ain't gonna cut it (neither will the thousands of other dog toys, both cheap and expensive, that he owns). Granted, it's kind of a relief because I knew that red ball wars would start again once the new pup arrives, but poor Bam looks so lost without it.

So, in dedication to a cheap rubber toy that has brought so much joy and envy into my household, R.I.P. Red Ball...you will be missed.

Please forgive the graphic nature of this photo...sensitive viewers may want to turn away and not look at the crime scene photo:

Weekly Stitching

I didn't get to stitch the entire week, but I tried as much as I could. I left off here:

and on Monday night I finished the row (finally):

And I started the final row on Tuesday although I didn't pick it back up again until Friday. After a bit of work on Saturday night and a half day today, I got a chunk of the first page done, although not nearly as much as I needed done.

For me to finish by the end of the year, I've got to be finishing more than a page a week. With having to work double shifts for over a week, I don't think that even the extra time over the holidays is going to get this finished by the end of the year. Ugh. I'm still hanging on to hope though. Even if I don't get it finished, I'm still going back to a full rotation again come January. I'm ready to go back to HAED stitching again.

Bam's new brother will hopefully be well and ready to be adopted within the next couple of weeks. I'm not sure Bam knows what's coming yet, but I hope they love each other at first sight! I mean, who wouldn't love this face?

He seriously needs a haircut, but with it being 20 degrees outside, I don't think it's a good idea right now...he'll just have to meet his new brother in hippie mode.

Weekly Stitching

Another week down and still I've barely stitched, but I'm still trying. I left off here last week:

And I STILL haven't finished the row yet:

I really wanted to spend the entire weekend stitching, but I had my work Christmas Party Saturday night. Friday night I wasted trying to find an outfit and most all day Saturday was spent getting ready for the wasted time at the party. I did, however, get up and sing karaoke without being completely drunk (although I did wait until barely anybody was left so not too many people can attest to it). I'm just glad it's over with. Now if I can make it through a week of covering for a co-worker mid-December, then maybe I can finish this project before the end of the year!

Thanks to some amazing friends, I got RAK'ed some new HAED patterns this week, Frost Dragonling Max Colors by Jasmine Becket-Griffith:

and Mini Clockwork Dragonling by Jasmine Becket-Griffith:

Overall, despite the heavy work week, it was the first one in a very long time that didn't suck because I had other things (and friends) to distract me! Thanks guys!

Weekly Stitching

The broken record is still playing because this past week still sucked. I do have to admit that I'm always surprised at how worse things continue to get and how I just put up with it all, day after day. Thank goodness for the Gilmore Girls this weekend. Escapism always works for me. It gives my OCD an outlet to go bat-shit crazy and, for the briefest of moments, I can obsess over Luke and Lorelai instead of my sucky life.

When I'm not rewatching the Netflix specials, I'm watching YouTube fan videos (and we all know how much I LOVE fan videos!). Luke and Lorelai videos lead to Veronica and Logan videos, which leads to Austin and Ally, Snow and Charming/Hook and Emma, Joe and Helen, which leads to the cream of the crop, Miranda and Gary videos. Oh how I love them all. Generation after generation of TV show romances that give me the power to get through another sucky week. I wish I understood why I find joy in made-up TV characters having happy lives while mine continues to steadily decline. But alas, down to what we're here for.

I only got to stitch on Thursday and this weekend due to double-time at work. I left off here:

And as much as I wanted to finish the row, I didn't quite make it (blame the "Fall" episode at about 40 minutes in):


And just because, how about if I post my favorite fan video right now (well, actually my second favorite, but just in case someone hasn't seen "Fall" yet, I don't want to spoil it with my first favorite):


I ordered the 11th Season of Supernatural and I usually rewatch them all in a row before watching the new season, but I'm still in such a Gilmore Girls mood, maybe I'll run through all Seven Series of that again followed by the Netflix specials. Granted, I'm not anywhere near Veronica Mars views with Gilmore Girls (probably at like 8 or 9), but I could easily get there. Then again, it's too late in the night to start a Miranda marathon, but maybe I'll call in sick and stay home all day tomorrow and do that (doubt it, but it's a nice thought). At least, when suckiness starts to appear, I can close my office door, turn the volume down low, and at least watch a couple of bookmarked fan videos. Maybe things aren't so bad after all.

Weekly Stitching

Weekly Stitching...the first time I've used that post title for a very long time and it feels good! Last week I had just started on Stitch:

I didn't finish him, but I did finish the second page of the row:

I'm not sure how much I'll get done next week since I'm pulling double duty again at work next week (I hate holidays), but I fully intend to spend all Thanksgiving day trying to get caught up stitching for the week.

I had to redo my hair Friday night...apparently the shelf life of the hair color is two weeks. The blonder areas were still purple, but the rest had faded. Funnily enough, it faded in a way that looked like I had my hair highlighted purple and it was pretty cool, it just wasn't purple enough. This time I went a bit higher and only left the crown my natural color but I kind of wish I had done my entire head. It's a definite in the next two weeks. I figured I would be too insecure having purple hair, but I've really enjoyed it!

I'm beginning to think that my meds are already not working anymore though. I had a horrible work week and my mood is getting dark again. I even called the therapist's office but she's out until after Thanksgiving. Typical. I still sound happy and perky but everyone is getting on my last nerve and I'm constantly bored even when I'm way too busy. I did a lot of yelling last week. I keep expecting every week to get better, but it never seems to or, if it does, the next week is even worse. Why do I even bother with hope in the first place? It's never been kind to me. If only I could be a pessimist...it would so suit me better. But until then, here's hoping next week is better.

Stitched again!

I had to push myself very hard to keep focus, but I managed to stitch this weekend! I left off here:

and made it to here tonight:

I am determined to finish this project before the end of the year, but unless I find a way to get my stitch mojo back, I'm not sure how. I REALLY want my stitch mojo back though. When I think all the projects I had planned to finish by the end of this year, it makes me cringe because I failed miserably. This has not been my year all the way 'round. It's still a bit early to think of next year just yet, but I have to make it better...somehow. Happy thoughts, right?

And again...

I debated on getting the Jasmine Becket-Griffith HAED chart of Wrath because they had not done any of the other sins, but today Sloth got posted, so I bought yet another one:

I'm a bad bad girl. Can't buy a house when I'm spending all my money on cross stitch charts I'll probably never get around to stitching!

Growing Stash with no stitching

I haven't had any stitching progress to show in a couple of weeks, which is surprising considering I've promised myself that I'm going to finish Lilo and Stitch before the end of the year, but I've still been buying stash like crazy and today's HAED sale didn't help. I picked up most all of the items on my Wishlist, most of which were Jasmine Becket-Griffith's stuff:
Unseelie Court Wrath:

Spring:

Summer:

Autumn:

Winter:

As well as two Aimee Stewart's...
Supersized Max Color Little Dreamers Tree:

and Supersized Max Color A Stitching Shelf without that annoying logo in the middle:

I may never ever stitch these, especially considering how I feel about their dithering method of charting now, but I've wanted them forever, so I guess that's all that matters!

The purple hair experiment - part 2

Well, I did it...sort of. I didn't do my whole head, only the underside, but I love it! Please forgive these pics...there is a reason why I don't take photos ever. I have a huge Scottish nose and semi-crooked eyes that selfies tend to bring out even worse than in real life. I straightened my hair (something I rarely ever do because my natural curls fall pretty nicely and it takes up too much time), but here is the after:

In the sunlight, it's almost a bright bluish-purple which I love even more!

I left it on for two hours this time and I really LOVE the results. I think, on the next go, I will go higher up and leave less blonde, but I'm still not sure I'm going to go whole-headed just yet. I only ended up using half a bottle, and since I bought three boxes, I have plenty for future touch-ups. I'm not sure how long this is supposed to last, but I'm not going to go above and beyond to protect it. I wash my hair every other day and pony-tail it on the off days, so I think that's a good-enough routine.

My mother will still probably have a heart-attack, but oh well, it's my hair and I'm 46, so I guess I'm entitled to do it anyway I want. I'll keep y'all updated on how it stays. Overall, I'm pretty impressed with this stuff, so much so that I actually even left a review on Target.com and I rarely ever leave reviews!

The purple hair experiment

I think, at least by now, I've established that I'm weird (and proud of it). My entire life, I've always wanted purple hair. The older I get, the more I want it but my numerous conditions and my innate desire to "please" everyone else has kept me from it. Besides, once you reach a "certain age", purple hair probably looks stupid. The side joy of zombie meds? Now I don't care what other people think and I WANT PURPLE HAIR! I'm way too scared to go purple the way most do...bleach your hair white, then color. With bleached hair, not only do you have to worry about the damage, but you have to constantly keep it up (which gets expensive). I wanted a method of going purple without the bleaching.

At numerous stages of my life, I've tried to go purple, but due to the conservative nature of my hair dresser, the closest I ever got was a burgundy that looked somewhat purple in the sunlight. But with all the natural reds and my hair, as it fades, red tends to go orange on me. Epic fails, one and all. So going to her for a full purple would be out of the question and I was forced to look for alternative methods.

First, I should say that this isn't an ad for a particular product probably because, before it's all over with, I'll probably go through several. I watched numerous YouTube videos on the subject, trying to find various solutions, when a new product caught my attention and I thought I'd try it first. You can only get it at Target and I can only get it online because they are NOT going to carry it in bum-fudge Arkansas. It's called Splat Midnight Amethyst and it's made for brunettes with no bleaching (there is also a blue and a red for those that are interested).

It came in yesterday (I ordered three boxes and a bowl with a brush) and I decided I wanted to do a test patch to see how it does. It is EXTREMELY messy, but it smells amazing and the coverage was really good on the strip I tested. I wrapped it in foil to keep it from bleeding into other hair. The directions say to leave it on 30 minutes to an hour (or longer) and I went with longer, leaving it on for 1.5 hrs.

Lessons learned? Wear a disposable lab coat, better quality gloves (than those that come in the box) and have a spray bottle of bleach handy for clean-up. Never ever wad up the foil because it takes an act of heaven to get it out. Prepare yourself mentally for a cold water hair washing...it was WAY worse than I was expecting and I hated every moment of it.

I didn't think of a before-and-after picture scenario because I didn't know I would be posting about it, so here is the after and forgive the quality of the photo...our work bathroom has a VERY dirty mirror and the lighting is horrible (although better than in my house).

I want the test to sit for a while to see how it does. If all works out well and it fades nicely (not pink or green), then I will do my whole head or, at bare minimum, the underside. Updates to follow.

Stitch Stash Page Clean Up

I cleaned up my Stitch Stash page because, although I haven't been stitching much, I have been buying Stash like mad, especially from Neni Designs! I figured it would be better to just create albums for each stash versus trying to post all the hundreds of pictures.

Each stash can be found here:

Neni Designs
HAED Charts
Etsy and other online charts
Kit/Pattern Stash

I didn't make a page for my self-made patterns simply because I change my mind too much on those and I haven't ever even considered stitching one yet. Maybe someday I'll post those again, but just not now.

Well...

Another week passed and I did stitch...but only twice. I left off here:

and made it here:

It was pretty nice to see Scrump start to appear, but I did come to a realization...I've always stitched to relax or to get over a bad day and now that I take medicine for that, it almost makes stitching seem like work instead of therapy. I've got to find a way to get back to "normal" stitching self and I've got to find a way to do it on meds. Ugh.

I STITCHED!

Yep, you read that right, I actually stitched today! Granted, it wasn't much, but at least it was a start. I left off on Lilo and Stitch Otherwise back on July 30th (I can't believe it's been that long!):

And I made it here today:

I just had to do something other than stare at the "lost house". They warned me that the Ritalin would make my OCD worse, but since I've never seen OCD as crutch, I couldn't imagine how. Now I know.

I'm trying really hard to let it go (don't sing it)...all I've been able to do is look at other houses that I could never ever afford and make myself sick trying to figure out a way to get one. The therapist told me I didn't need to come back unless I felt the need, and as much as I hate to admit it, I need. Guess I'll have to make a phone call come Monday morning.

Stark reminder of that cardinal sin I committed in the womb...

I'd like to say I stitched this week, but I didn't. Despite being on anti-depressants again, certain things can happen to cause me to shrink back into my shell and shut down completely. This week, I received the biggest kick in the teeth I've had so far this year.

Last Wednesday was just a regular sucky work day and I decided to stop at the store on my way home. I ended up making a couple more stops and came home a way I rarely ever do. I passed a realty office that had one of those digital displays and, while I was stuck at a red light, I was watching the screen when something amazing happened...a house, on a street directly behind my parents, popped up for $80,000. Houses in that neighborhood usually go for about $150. Keep in mind, we live in Arkansas, so the cost of living is really low and $150,000 is a LOT of house.

I got super-excited and called my Mother immediately. She, of course, knew nothing about it, so I decided to check the web the instant I got home and, despite checking all the local realty sites (including the office with the sign), I could not find that house to save my life. Well, I figured it wasn't meant to be because, with all my credit card debt and what I still owe on my trailer (and my meager salary), I couldn't even afford an $80,000 house. Besides, I vowed when I was a kid that I would never move back to that town again and, even though the town I live in now has gotten worse and worse, maybe it was a good thing. At least I was trying to justify it in my mind.

The next morning, on the way to work, I had an epiphany and decided to check Zillow. They are usually either way behind on the listings or way ahead, and I was hoping it might be there. Sure enough, it took me all of 2 seconds to find the house. It was perfect! It needed work (apparently the previous owner liked to punch holes in the wall), but it was literally adjacently located behind my parents house! It was a repossessed house (hence the price point) and had only been on the market for a few days. I started making phone calls immediately. Of course, everyone I tried to call was out, but I left messages everywhere and spent the entire morning staring at my possible future "real" house!

Being that close to my parents means free lawn care, free pup-sitting and, most of all, free dinners whenever I wanted them! I would be in a MUCH safer area than I'm in now and, despite the longer commute to work (and the extra wear and tear on my vehicle), it would still be worth it. The house was a little over 1800 square feet, so plenty of room for ALL the Disney stuff to be in ONE room instead of spread out everywhere! But, the creme de la creme was the fact that it had a DOGGY DOOR! Seriously folks, Bam would have his own little door that would lead to his own yard!

I wrangled figures left and right...added up all my credit card debt as well as the balance on my trailer (which would have to be added to the figures), I added in money for repairs and new things I would need, and even went a bit above (just in case) and decided that I would need a 30-year mortgage for $140 to cover everything, but I could still swing the payments if I had no trailer payment, lot rent, and credit card bills.

My Brother-In-Law, who just happened to be in a bank president meeting at the time (what are the odds and I knew at that point it must be fate), promised he'd call me as soon as his meeting was over with and, considering he would be my best hope for getting the house in the first place, his was the call I was waiting on the most. But my Sister called me first, and as I was relaying my excitement, she dropped a bomb on me...Matt's brother may have just bought my house. I tried not to let it get me down, I mean seriously, what are the odds that the absolute PERFECT house for me would be bought my my Brother-In-Law's brother? But I still had hope and I wasted the better part of the morning browsing for new furniture online.

By the time Matt called me back, he confirmed my worst fears, his brother had just signed the papers on the house...the brother with the extremely checkered past who, up until about two years ago, they had to keep constant restraining orders on every time he got out of jail. This man had MY house!

I cried like I haven't cried in years. I was literally handed the perfect house on a silver platter only to have it jerked away from me almost instantly. Of course, my Sister and Brother-In-Law being the amazing people that they are vowed to help me find something else, but I was given yet another reminder of my horrible luck (because apparently I can't remember all the other times I've been slapped in the face by fate). There was no way another house within that close of a vicinity of my parents and at that price point would ever come available again (the house right beside them is currently being sold for $154 and that would be WAY out of my budget).

I'd like to say, after a couple of days I've been able to let it go (because honestly, there is nothing I can do about it now), but my OCD won't let that happen, if anything, I've only been obsessing about it more. Even though the listing has now been pulled from Zillow, I saved the pictures and have been looking at them constantly. I would have never seen that sign in the first place had a series of random events not led me down that road. Then, to find out the house's location, to find out my Brother-In-Law was at the bank at the time I needed to talk to him, I mean, COME ON! I HATE MY LIFE! Who could stitch at a time like this?

I'm back!

In my entire life, there is always certain facts that I can count on...nothing can make me as happy as a Disney trip and nothing can cause me to crash like Post-Disney Depression. Walking into work this morning was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a very long time.

I'm trying to remember all the bucket-list items I checked off this year:
-- Four parks in one day!
-- Staying at the Beach Club
-- Not having any Asper breakdowns (only litle episodes)
-- Seeing the Main Street Electrical Parade for the final time
-- FINALLY stopping at a Florida Citrus Center

But there were also important things I didn't get to do:
-- See Animal Kingdom at night
-- Not get rained on
-- Get a hot dog at Casey's
-- Walk around without my feet swelling to epic proportions

I really didn't notice that the meds affected the trip much and that was what I was most worried about. I also had a really great time with my Brother-In-Law, something I was a bit worried about and my Sister and I got along as usual...one or two small instances of blow-ups on the last couple of days, but nothing major and nothing that wasn't forgotten in like two minutes. Funny that...I hold grudges forever against others for the slightest of offences, but I can't stay mad at Amber for very long.

I still haven't dealt with the massive pile of pins I bought yet, but all the other new stuff is put away in their new homes and, despite the half-dozen bags I brought home, there wasn't nearly as much once it all got put away.

I have NO idea when I'll get around to pictures, but considering I have lots of restaurants and the Beach Club to review, I'll have to get around to it eventually.

I think my stitching mojo is back though...I haven't started back yet, but it's on the agenda for tonight (unless either the shrink or the therapist pisses me off again and I just want to go home and brood).

Well...

The dreaded "therapist modification" process has started. Last week, I got the complete lecture on why I should be on meds forever and why the "zombie effect" is a "normal" human function and I should embrace it instead of fighting it.

I was miserable as a kid because I was trying so hard to be "normal" and fight who I was and it took me YEARS as an adult to get myself into a place where I was comfortable with myself and I realized that I'm not normal and nor will I ever be. I like who I am now (even if I'm going through a rough time brought on by external sources) and I don't feel the need to be "normal" just to please others. I wasted too many years of my life faking "normal".

But, as per usual, the therapist thinks she can "fix me" and make me "normal" by talking to me about it. It's not a chemical imbalance that can be permanently fixed with meds, it's not behavior issues that can be modified...my brain is wired differently from everyone else's. I was born this way and I'll die this way, therapy be damned...I am an Asper, here me roar!

Good thing Disney is getting closer and I don't have a therapist appointment again until AFTER Disney. You'd think, as much hassle as I give her, she wouldn't want to see me anymore anyway, but it's like a contest with them...to see which one of us breaks first. All she has to do is read my past files to know that I NEVER break first...ever. Thank goodness the shrink is better at not lecturing me!

Look out Disney World...here I come!

Update

Still counting down the days until Disney. There are SOOO many trip preparations that are still to be made because I'm spending more time at work than home these days. I have to get my oil changed, I need new wiper blades all the way around, and I've still got to get grocery supplies for both me on the road and Mother who will be pup-sitting. Don't even get me started on the map and little planning book printing...I'm not even close to being ready to do that!

On the med front, I went back to the shrink for my monthly check-in. She doubled the dose of Trintellix (which I was expecting). Surprisingly, my fear of the itching getting worse with a double dose was unfounded...the itching has almost stopped completely after only a few days (although I still have moments, especially in stressful situations).

She also added another drug to the mix...Ritalin. At first, I was kind of put out that she would even mention Ritalin, but after the first dose, I knew it was a wise choice. It is a very low dose and it only lasts four hours (meaning I take one twice per day to get through work), but I can focus better and my speech has slowed down considerably (at least to the point where I don't have to keep repeating myself because I'm talking too fast and no one can understand me). It's not a blood-level drug, so I don't have to take it on the weekends if I don't want to. There aren't really any side effects from the Ritalin either, so I guess it's a win-win situation all the way 'round. What are the odds that we would get the meds right the very first time? It's a first for me, that's for sure!

I started another diamond painting, but have barely touched it this weekend, so nothing really to show. It's this one:

I had to wait until I was out of the "bad frame of mind" before I could start this one though...not the best design for someone in a depressive state, but it is small, so it will get me through until Disney.

I'm also starting to want to stitch again, I'm just not there yet. Probably by the time I get back from Disney, I won't be able to do anything BUT stitch!

Hopefully, I will have time this week to respond to emails...I know I've been horrible about it, but I've been travelling so much for work and, by the time I get home, I can do nothing but crash and a computer is the LAST thing I want to look at. Thanks again for all your support (and understanding) throughout these past couple of months. I have my five-year blogoversary coming up soon and I haven't decided how I'm going to celebrate it this year (or if I'm going to at all). I do have a TON of spare Disney pins I could give away...we'll see how things go between now and then.

Finished wall

I know I tend to be a broken record, but work still sucks, but there is a brief glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. My massive work project is almost finished and it's also almost Disney-time, so meds or not, life is looking up. But knowing my luck, I'm not going to get too optimistic.

I finally got all my April A to Z cross stitch projects framed and put them on a wall where there is room to grow:

And here they are in order:





I still haven't done any stitching, but I have FINALLY finished a massive diamond painting:

Granted, it's not the Aaron's Crazy Thinking Putty that the therapist wanted me to do, but at least I managed to keep my hands and my mind occupied in my "down time" instead of focusing on the negative. Don't get me wrong, I still have a head full of negative, but at least I'm managing it better.

I really need to say thank you to all my blog friends who encouraged me to make it through. Normally, I'm not big on human interaction during these episodes, but you guys really did help me along. Hopefully, things will get back to normal soon and I can go back to supporting you guys!

Update

Things are FINALLY getting better, at least somewhat. Work is suckier than ever and my attention span is still that of a fly, but at least I feel better. The meds seem to be working even though people keep telling me that I'm speaking like a rabbit on speed...my brain works faster than my mouth, so I speak fast to keep up and I always have, so I'm not sure what the difference is. I guess because I don't do it depressively anymore, I'm a perky rabbit now and that's weird to everyone.

They put me on something called Trentillex which has about a million side effects but I only seem to have one...constant itching. When I go back to the shrink at the end of the month, I'm pretty sure she's gonna up the dose, so I'm not sure how much worse the itching will get. I'm already covered in sores from scratching and no amount of baby oil baths or Benadryl seems to be helping. I'm still not entirely sure that it's the right drug because it only seems to be helping the depression and not the ADD or OCD.

On the therapy front, I still think it is incredibly stupid and I'm fighting her all the way (but that's just what I do). She seriously wants me to buy something called Crazy Aaron's Thinking Putty and play with it constantly because it will "calm my mind". Ain't gonna happen and not just because it's expensive, but because it's the stupidest idea I've ever heard of. I'm also supposed to learn to use a "new" word and mean it...NO. Yeah, that's probably not going to happen either. I'm not built that way. Seriously, therapy is SO stupid! How in the world do people go constantly and benefit from it?

I haven't started stitching again (and probably won't until Disney is over with), but I have started working on a new diamond painting/cross stitch, so at least my hands are busy when I'm at home. I've also been watching all the seasons of Once Upon A Time again and, for some weird reason, that seems to be helping too. Probably because it's such a hope-pushing show. I'm trying to keep up with Disney planning, but I'm also doing a horrible job with that as well. I seriously can't focus on anything for longer than 30 minutes at a time, which, most of the time, functions well at work, but not so much for everything else.

I'm going to try to start reading blogs again, maybe by the weekend. I miss seeing everyone else's stitching progress even if I don't feel like doing it myself...at least not yet. I've also just taken my last April A to Z cross stitch project to Hobby Lobby for framing and, once I decide where I'm going to put them all, I'll post a picture of all of them hanging together (or at least that's the plan...I'm not good with follow-through right now).

But anyway, I'm already getting bored, but I thought I'd better update a bit so that you guys that are worried about me can hopefully feel better. I've really got to break down and respond to emails too, but I've got to go do something else for a while.

Well...

Sorry about the lack of a stitching post this past weekend...frankly, I didn't stitch a single lick last week (nor have I this week either).

It's still very early in the first med trial, but they put me on Trentillex (a fairly new drug, but definitely new to me). Granted, it hasn't quite been a week yet, but I seem to be less depressed although my anxiety and ADD has gone through the roof and the least little thing sets me off. We are definitely going to have to have a conversation about it. I think she's focused on the wrong bad symptoms...sure, the depression is a worry, but the fact that I can't function properly at work is a bigger problem for me. Trentillex has some pretty nasty side effects too, but so far, mine have been minimal to non-existent (another bad sign it's probably not working right or not strong enough).

I just thought I'd give an update so those that are worried about me can feel better. If anyone has any experience with this drug (previously known as Brintellix), let me know. There really isn't much online about it other than its side effects and I'm barely having any of those.

Just One July - Week 5

This is almost embarrassing, but I haven't been able to focus on anything lately. Here is where I left off last week:

And I STILL haven't finished the first page of row 3:

At least Just One July is over with now because I think my stitching mojo has died down for a while.

I've been even worse at responding to emails and reading everyone's blogs. Maybe this upcoming week will be better (I wonder how long I can keep saying that and still believe it?). I go to the shrink on Wednesday, so things HAVE to get better after that, right?

At least, for the past couple of days anyway, I have been able to focus enough to deal with prep work for our upcoming Disney trip. I've started working on our mini books with all our trip information. You'd think, since I've been making them since 2004, I would remember how LONG the entire process takes, but every single year I'm always surprised when I spend days editing old pages with new information. I still haven't decided if I'm going to do two separate books or just modify my Sister and Brother-In-Law's book. With them flying, staying in a different resort and Matt leaving mid trip, their information will be quite different from mine.

I also spent quite a bit of time working on my driving map book. Even though I have GPS in my vehicle, I wouldn't trust it as far as I could throw it. I have (and will for this trip too) made my own POI's, but again, it's still restricted to what the GPS can handle (which isn't much). I guess I'm old school and prefer actual paper maps. I've "driven" every main route using Google Maps Street View already, taken screenshots of important intersections, and put them into groups. I still need to do alternate routes, but then they will be ready to print up and bind.

I still have about 20lbs to loose so that my vacation clothes fit and I'm having a very hard time sticking to any diet. I've never been what one would call a "depressive eater", but you wouldn't know it by the way I've been scarfing down food lately. Just another way I've been self-sabotaging lately I guess.

Just One July - Week 4

Left off here last week:

FINALLY finished the row:

And barely got started on row three:

Considering the week I had, I'm surprised I got any stitching done because my focus is now completely gone. I just want to sit and zone out right now. My shrink appointment isn't until the 3rd and that seems like a lifetime away and then I'll have to wait however long it takes for whichever meds I end up with to work. At least there are five weeks in July, but I still don't think it's going to help me much to even sort-of reach my challenge goals on Lilo and Stitch. Great, looks like I'm a failure all the way across the board now.