Should this blog continue?

You guys know how I feel about whining...I don't like to do it. That's why I've been absent from blogging. Disney hit me harder than I thought it would and the after effects haven't been pleasant. I tried to make this post as short as possible, but you guys also know that I'm not known for breviety, so forgive.

On top of that, my health insurance stopped covering telemedicine, so I had to quit therapy because I couldn't afford to pay for it out of pocket. Ironically, my first therapist is back in her office, but I was doing telemedicine because of PTSD from trusting a therapist who locked me a looney bin (for prescribing me the wrong medicine that caused the issue in the first place). There is NO WAY I can step foot in a therapist office now (at least not at the moment, even four years later). I've been working with a therapist who has NOT been dealing with my PTSD for months now, and I've now knocked myself back even further with this Disney trip. Any progress my first therapist did has been wiped out.

And yes, as I always say, I never want to make comments about how much worse work can get, because I always put my foot in my mouth on that front, but here we are again, foot deeply implanted in mouth (along with half my calf).

Speaking of legs...both my knees are FRIED from Disney (they were pretty screwed up anyway, they just didn't bounce back this time and I can barely get up and down right now). I go to the neurologist next week, so I guess I'm getting a referral to an osteo while I'm there. Yea me.

And, not that it has ever mattered to me how many followers I have, but I've noticed that you guys are dropping like flies. It's probably because I'm not stitching anymore. Believe me, I'd give ANYTHING to get my stitching bug back, but I'm just not there yet. I started this blog as an outlet for myself because I hated other forms of social media (still do) and needed a place that could be a "show and tell" for what interested ME, not just a "popularity contest", like high school all over again. Blogging not only gave me a place to vent and express my opinions and loves, but there were similar people who shared those loves. But that's when my posts were "creative" and "interesting", at least to me and a select few (and somestimes only to me, which was OK). Now, it's just become sad and whiny, but more importantly, uninteresting joural-like posts..."today worked sucked, I had three panic attacks, my body hurts somewhere, I'll try to be a better blogger!"...it's getting REALLY old, and you guys know it. I never wanted to be "that" blogger. It may just be time to give it up.

I know I created this blog just for myself and not to please anyone else, that was even my initial moto...I didn't post for others, just for myself. I think that has changed over time. I realized I could help other Aspers, or people who live with those on the spectrum, deal with the struggles, by trying to describe what life was like for me, and maybe create a better understanding of our kind. I discovered I wasn't an Asper at all, but full-blown Autistic and you guys watched me come to terms with that in real time. Even those of us on the spectrum have our prejudges (or so I realized about myself). Then, there has been all the other mental health issues I deal with on a daily basis at ebbs and flows (or tsunamis and earthquakes). Then there was that FUN time I had in the Hotel California in 2017. You guys watched the fallout of that, which basically saw the initial burst of stitching, then the complete demise of it (which I still can't explain).

But it hasn't been all bad throughout the years, right? You've been with me on Disney trip after Disney trip, road trip after road trip. Cross stitch project after cross stitch project. We dealt with my Grandmother's death, the death of my relationship with my mother and my best friend (as well as numerous other people). We debated job offers that turned out to be bogus. Got our hopes up about moves to exciting locations, only to be crushed. We've been through TV shows (well, the same couple of shows, but still), new Duran Duran albums (just got the new one today, BTWs, and it's FABULOUS!), and the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe. We've had severe money problems, which we almost conquered, but now we're teetering on sliding down that hill again. We've lost both Zander and Zachary, only to be blessed with Bam and Bugs. And goodness knows how many other things I've forgotten.

Point is, despite the ups and downs and a long ten years, this blog is a huge part of me, and letting it go is a HUGE decision and not one I take lightly. There was a reason why I was building up all those videos before I uploaded them to YouTube...I have commitment issues. I get bored quickly. And that's exactly what happened with making videos. Closing this blog isn't a decision I will make on my own. I want your opinions. My long-term loves stick around forever, like Disney and Duran Duran and cross stitching, I may stop them for a while, but they have been with me for my whole life and will be for the rest of my life. Granted, long-term loves have been dropped for various reasons and I never pick them back up for whatever reason, but it's not without serious mental debate. We're in that phase now for this blog. This is 10 years of my life. It's not a short-term jaunt, it's a long-term love folks.

My dearest blog friends (and you know who you are), what do you think? You guys know me pretty well. Some of you have been with me for years, have seen me grow, regress, change, go up, go down, go back up and then down again. What are your thoughts? Obviously, like most of you, I don't blog for money. For me, it's also certainly not for followers (judging by the mass exodus and I'm still here). As my title suggests, this is just my world, and it's an ever-changing world, so my blog changes with it. But maybe this medium can't survive the way I'm changing? Maybe I'm just at another crossroads and I'm just questioning myself too much? I just don't know anymore. What are your thoughts?

Granted, in a month, I could be stitching again (or not). I've been debating buying a new computer (not good for my finances, but still), that would help with picture editing and other things, so maybe I could move away from Blogger and maybe build that website and a "real" blog like I've been threatening to do for years (but am basically too lazy to do). I've been working a lot on Ancestry and have run across all kinds of interesting characters that would make some great short stories, but I'm also having issues with just walking in the house at night, fixing somethiing to eat, plopping in front of the TV and not moving until bed. I have no desire to do anything else. I don't feel depressed, but I realize it's the classic definition of it. But that's for another post (maybe, depending on your responses.

I'm back...I made it (barely)

I'm back at work today, the routine I guess I needed, but didn't want. I've spent the last couple of days sitting on the couch, unable to walk, doing nothing but watching Q.I. (the Stephen Fry episodes only, of course), and hoping I didn't have to go to the bathroom very often, because I didn't want to stand up on my poor feet!

I made it down there, much later than I wanted to, because I forgot the time difference...such a rookie mistake! But it was pretty easy to sink into my regular Disney routine. I don't have pictures yet (more on that later), but I went directly to Animal Kingdom (with only two hours before it closed) and had my first "eating out" meal in over 2 1/2 years! Didn't even really give it a second thought! I went to the Pandora part of the park, but since I had just eaten, I didn't ride anything (plus, it was all very confusing), so I just took pictures, went to the nearest shop, and immediately dropped WAY too much money on crap. Second rookie mistake? I forgot to get a Conservation Pin...I haven't done that since the start of Animal Kingdom. I regretted it the rest of the trip and even attempted to get up the courage to go back and get one (although I never did).

First thing though, it was really hot, even for me. And even on that first day, wearing jeans, I got sun poisoning on my legs. I STILL haven't figured that out yet! How could I tan everywhere else, but get sun poisoning through blue jeans on my legs? That issue got steadily worse as the week wore on because I was wearing capris and my skin was ACTUALLY exposed to the sun, but I digress.

Next day was Magic Kingdom (and my B-day), and I did ride some rides, although not as many as I would have liked. I did the best I could with the crowds being as heavy as they were. I didn't get to ride Splash Mountain, which probably would have been my last chance. I decided that, instead of riding it with feelings of loss and regret over its inevitable upcoming change (I get why, I'm just not 100% sure it's the right thing to do...better to tear it down and replace it with something else than to retheme it, but again, I digress), I would keep the memories of enjoying it in the past. I did ride Haunted Mansion, Pirates and Small World. Not a lot, but those are some pretty massive queue lines. I did more shopping, more picture taking, and again, I left because I had my dinner ressie at Raglan Road.

My dinner went well, all things considered, and I made it in time to pick up my cake, although I didn't plan on the cake weighing three tons and me having to carry it 2 miles (OK, that's an exaggeration, but it didn't feel like by much). The issue was my room had ants, so I had to be very careful where I kept the cake, and for long I kept it where I kept it. It did make it home, but only because I had planned for almost every eventuality. I was supposed to go back to the Magic Kingdom that night for fireworks, but I just couldn't do it. I hurt too bad and the trip was only half over.

As per usual, the EPCOT day is always the worst, because the park is just too darn big. And with all the construction, the walls make the walking worse. I only rode Soarin' and Figment, but getting there and getting out almost killed me, and I still had all of World Showcase to do! I did walk the entire length, but I only ate at four Food & Wine Festival Booths, I think because I'm just not used to eating like I used to. By the time I got back to the room that night and went back to Disney Springs, I didn't need to get dinner because I was still full. Plus, by the time I had fought my way through the crowds, I just wanted to go back to my room.

The final day, I was supposed to drop my bags off with bell services and spend the day at Hollywood Studios, but I'm not sure if I was just too tired and sore, or if I was just too chicken (maybe both?), but I ended up just packing up, walking to Disney Springs to get my Earl of Sandwich sandwiches (my departing ritual, they keep for a while and I can't imagine a Disney trip without them), and I headed home. I could barely walk by this point anyway, so why bother fighting through the Studios?

All in all though, I did have a good time, but only in spurts. When I was in the park, on rides, I was OK. Shopping, again, OK. I almost lost it on every single bus ride I had to do. Yes, there was mask wearing, but with no social distancing (at all), it being as hot as it was and everyone breathing heavy, and definitely everyone sweaty touching, not to mention the fact that I turned full Asper on the bus and my senses were completely hyperactive to the point of pain, it will be a while before I can do that again, for sure. Plus, since they never announced the bus stops, I got off on the wrong stop every single time! I either had to walk all the way around the resort because I got off one stop too far, or had to walk to the next section over because I got off one stop too soon. I never once got off at the right stop. If it wasn't for the Apple Air Tags I bought, I probably wouldn't have been able to find my way back to the room at all.

Once I got home, the guilt of the money spent hit me like a ton of bricks. That has NEVER happened before! It was so bad, I have literally not taken a single thing out of the bags other than the purse I bought (which was never put in a bag in the first place, and I planned on buying on ShopDisney before I went anyway). They are all piled in my kitchen. And yes, I'm aware of how much I spent and I'm completely disgusted with myself, especially since it amounts to exactly five bags of merchandise. Yes, $2000 equals five Disney bags of merchandise. I suck. Have I spent more in past years? Yes, way loads...but I haven't spent like this in years and the guilt is enormous.

On top of that, not counting the money spent preparing for the trip, the vet bill somehow managed to be over $1000! I kid you not! I STILL haven't figured that out and I got an itemized statement! Yes, they both got shots and I bought food before I left, but still. Somehow, Bugs mysteriously got diarrhea and needed medication (which he hasn't had since he's been home) and somehow Bam got an eye infection with "green ooze" that he needed expensive eye drops that I have to give him twice a day. I haven't seen a single "green" spot (or any "ooze" at all, for that matter). Actually, the drops seem to be drying his eyes out. And, they were supposed to remove a cyst from Bam's back, but they just drained it. I can do that! That's why I wanted it REMOVED, not DRAINED. It would quit filling up if it wasn't there at all! But still, none of that should equal out to $1000! That is just ridiculous!

All in all though, despite my bitching, it was a good trip, just not my best. Maybe better than I was expecting in some ways, worse in others. Truth be told, there is absolutely NO WAY I can go back with my Sister by the end of this month. February...maybe, but not in a few weeks. Financially, I can't afford it. Medically, my body can't take it. Motor vehicularily, I don't want to put my car through the strain of another road trip so soon. Vetinarily, I don't even think the boys could take it (they did NOT have a good time...even leaving for work today, I left Bam screaming at the top of his lungs, it was heartbreaking). It may be a while before I go anywhere again. As a matter f fact, I need groceries now, and I can't even order them for pickup. I'm actually in a worse state right now than before I left. But that's not out of the ordinary for me. That happened before. Thankfully, I still have tons of cake left, as well as all the snacks I overbought for the trip to eat on (at least for now).

Speaking of which, I did film the trip to and fro, and I did film a couple of daily commentary vlogs, but I didn't do any "real" YouTube style "in the park" type vlogs. And I kind of decided, on the way back, that I think that I'm probably done with the notion of filming stuff for YouTube because I'm probably never going to edit these. I've been filling up a hard drive for a year for obviously no reason (other than wasting a perfectly good hard drive) and it's really not good content anyway. For now, at least, I think I need to focus on my family tree. Once I get that done, maybe I can get back to cross stitching! I miss it!

Anyway, enough rambling. I just wanted to give you guys an update, and I can't promise when I'll get pictures up because I have to use my old computer for Lightroom (unless I break down and do the monthly subscription thing, which I don't want to do, or start using Wine Bottler, which I'm not sure I want to start playing with something new right now either...I'm in a mood when it comes to computers, I don't really want to touch them unless I have to, hazards of the job). Thanks, as ALWAYS, to you guys for your love and support! You guys always have my back, no matter what paths I decide to take, and I appreciate that more than you will ever know! At some point, when I post the pictures, I'll comment on all the changes at Disney and how I feel about them (boy do I have a LOT to say about that!).