Updates and Ancestry

I do have another trip in the works, but I had to get some stuff done to my car first (and almost ended up buying a new one in the process...I came "this" (mimicking a teeny tiny little finger squeeze) close! In the end though, the vehicle I was looking at (the same as mine, only newer and a couple of steps up), wasn't silver, so I passed. Yes, I am THAT shallow that the color of my vehicle matters that much, but I do have several conditions that would make my life hell if I wasn't happy with the color of my car, so I guess it's not all about selfishness. They are, however, looking for a silver one, so it ain't quite over with yet.

Anyhoo, since I was waiting on my awful dealership's service department to "fit" me in to their busy schedule of overcharging and fixing things that probably weren't broken in the first place (the sales department is great...service sucks), I broke down and got the Ancestry.com kit with the three month subscription and have been working on that ever since. The Blair line has been easy...Scottish history is easy to document, so I've got that back to the 13th Century and am still going, it's the rest of the family I'm having issues with.

But, on the Blair side, I hit my 8th great grandfather (which I knew was the personal priest to Robert the Bruce), but my 9th great grandfather was apparently the true inspiration for a romance novelist named Elizabeth Laird (some distant relative of mine), so I bought that book (haven't read it yet and a bit scared to read a romance book involving a grandfather, but oh well). After that, then I get into the Lords and Lady's of the family and I found some Stuarts in there (although I haven't dug into that branch yet, but I know where that line leads, ha!).

I was getting annoyed by all the date descrepancies, but then I remembered the Julian to Gregorian calendar change, so now I'm not sure if I should try to figure out the real dates, keep both dates, or what. I think I'll just keep both dates and let sleeping dogs lie. Just trying to keep up with what I'm finding, plus adding it to my own family tree software isn't making me happy and is wearing me out (and I don't like how it imports from Ancestry...I'm using MacTree and I really like it, but Ancestry formats wrong, and I can't have wrong formatting).

I figure that my DNA results won't come back before my 3 month trial is up, so I'll have to continue on a few more months, which is fine because I'm pretty obsessed right now. There are so many lines to follow and I don't want to be restricted to just one. I want to follow every branch I can. It's all pretty interesting. It does feel weird to get information from other family members trees. It feels like I'm leeching off of their work, but I'm finding issues there too and I'm having to double-check it all (but again, once I remembered the Gregorian calendar issue, that solved a lot of problems).

Have any of you guys done any geneology research? How did you find the best way to do it? Do you have any interesting stories? I figure my DNA will get me the interesting stories since not a single relative has reached out to me (yet...mine are the type that would need proof of who I am...my Asperness comes from that Blair line). Do you guys have any tips for me? Honestly, I'm probably just finding another way to avoid editing videos, but this is really exhausting stuff!

Trips for YouTube Part 4 (I think I'm just collecting vids now...)

The last trip to Kansas I took was a long one. The longest trip I've taken in a while. Turns out, Ritalin was apparently my key to driving success before. Now that I'm no longer taking it, 27 hours in a car is just WAY too much for me. Even two hours from home, I was looking for a hotel! But I did make it home (eventually), although not without some MAJOR issues!

I had everything packed and ready, alarm set, but I hit the snooze way too many times and over slept. So, once again, I didn't get out the door until almost 5:30 am. The road reminded me a lot of driving through Alabama, fog everywhere:

But the towns in Missouri are the same small Southern towns we have just about everywhere here:

The plains did remind me a lot of the movie Twister, even though I was still in Missouri:

I did find one of the few rare bathrooms of the trip a bit on the weird side...it was pretty on the outside, but the inside had this huge exhibit about the history of the plains. Nothing on the inside but toilets and a massive exhibit! I felt weird walking around taking pictures considering it was so close to the bathroom, but oh well!

Bit of backstory, the day before, I got a bit paranoid and checked the air in my tires. They were fine, but I topped them off just to be safe. Now, back to the current location...Ossawatamie, Kansas. By the time I arrived on this road (creepy, right?):

...my tire light was on, my gas light was at --- miles left before I was completely empty (I have NEVER gone that low) and I had no clue where the nearest gas station was! Thankfully, I made it to a gas station, but it was the first gas flub of the day (oh yes, there was more than one). The pumps were labeled so weird, one gold and one yellow, both labeled Octane 87 (which isn't right)! Gold typically means E85, which my vehicle doesn't take, so I crossed my fingers, chose the yellow, and hoped for the best. Whatever it was, it was almost $5.00 a gallon! Regular 87 Octane is about $2.87/81 down here.

On the tire front, I looked at the station, but it was VERY crowded, so I could tell they were OK, I probably just overfilled them (which also causes my light to come on). I thought I'd go back to the other scary road (it was a VERY specific location I wanted to go to), and just let some of the air out, but again, foiled in my plan.

So, where does that brick road in Kansas lead to you ask? Apparently, an old U.S. Postal Service Psychiatric Hospital! Yes, apparently the Postal Service has their own (or had their own) asylums! It is still active, but not in the same capacity. I wanted to go down to this old abandoned bridge called Asylum Bridge (which is where I was going to check my tires), but there were people there. I did get some pictures of the hospital though.

The part of the hospital still active:

By the time I got to Lawrence, Kansas, I think I kind of realized that I'm filming more video than I am taking pictures. I just don't have a lot to show you guys. But honestly, I think I could live there! It was a great little town! This shows NOTHING, but here is the downtown area:

And there was even a purple house just for me (although, in all actuality, I HATE Victorian architecture and probably couldn't live in a 100+ year old house)!

And since I was on a bit of a Supernatural tour, I did also go to Stull Cemetery (and got pictures of it). I went to the other Stull Cemetery too, but I couldn't get close to it because of gates. I didn't take pictures though, only video, but I do have pictures of the "popular" Stull:

Of course, as I got close to Witchita, typical Southern weather popped up:

I wanted to get out and take pictures of the capital, but I was to chicken (shock):

After that, I was headed way out of the way to a place called "the top of the world" (which I couldn't figure out how Kansas, the flattest place in the U.S., could even have), but I found another place that was an overlook of sorts that saved me quite a bit of time, so I stopped. When I pulled in, there was one car, but almost immediately, another car pulled in, two parents and a teenage girl, and they practically ran up on top of me and none of them had masks on! I literally said "WOAH" out loud because the girl was skipping right towards me! I must have said it loud enough because the mom grabbed her daughter and pulled her back. But they still walked right up to the plaque I was reading (there were 12 plaques around the area I was at, they could have picked any of the other 12). I immediately walked to the next plaque, and they followed right behind me! I left the plaque area and headed to the overlook. I had been waiting because the lady that was there when I got there was taking her time enjoying it and I didn't want to interrupt her, so I just stood back until she was done and it was my turn. It wasn't the "top of the world" obviously, but it was a nice view:

Looking back towards the plaque area...the family left and didn't come to the overlook. I don't know why. By the time I had my panic attack when I got back to the car, the parking lot was completely full, but it was already getting full here:

Kansas as a lot of towns named after big cities, but I thought it was neat how Manhattan, Kansas displays their city sign:

Another sign I've been lacking in the photo department, I passed the world's largest ball of some weird kind of twine, but I didn't stop...I need to do better with photos!

By the time I got to the Geographic Center of the U.S., I had to pee REALLY bad. I hadn't seen a bathroom in FOREVER! I also needed gas again, and again, no gas stations! But I decided to go ahead and walk around.

I started to take a lot of pictures, probably the most I'd taken all day, filming all the while, I even posted a selfie to Instagram (yes, you read that right...a selfie...although I was also watching a bug, so I wasn't eyeing the camera right). But then, yet another disaster, I tripped and fell (but hey, I actually took a picture on my way down, so I haven't completely lost the photo gene!). I fell really hard, so I kind of sat there for a minute, gaining my composure, glad no one else was there, and deciding I was done. I got back to the car and realized I had lost my reading glasses, so I had to go back and find them. There was a little chapel there, and you guys know I'm not religious, but I stuck my head in there and said, "hey, go easy on me please, I can't take anymore today, thanks!".

Even though I was low on gas, REALLY had to pee after falling, and had even stepped foot in a church, I still had a bucket list item to cross off...marking off another state on my scratch off map. I was less than 10 miles from Nebraska. Obviously, by the time I got to the sign, there was a truck parked in front of it, so I couldn't stop (shock):

I decided to go the further 2 miles into Red Cloud, Nebraska to see if they had a gas station...they didn't. There was an original Burlington railway station there, but since every side road was gravel and I REALLY had to pee, I gave up on that and turned around, but it was a cute town (I tend to find abandoned towns cute, is that weird?):

I went back to Lebanon, Kansas (another Supernatural fictional town, but a real Kansas town), and this is the weirdest gas story of all. I pulled into the station the wrong way (which I have NEVER done in the history of any automobile I've ever had), so I had to circle around. Then, once again, I ended up pumping $5 gas (even though it was labeled $2.81...I still don't get that). I asked for a receipt, but it didn't give me one, it said I had to go inside to get one, which was fine because I had to pee, but the door was locked! I think I got gas at a closed station! The lights were all off inside, so I have no clue how I was able to pump gas! I took a picture of the pump so I had proof of what I pumped (in case I got ripped off), but me and my full bladder got back in the car and hit the road again).

At this point, I was really done. I spent hours and hundreds of miles looking for a bathroom, only to not finding one, or chickening out at the ones I did find (because they were scary). By the time I got to Kansas City, Missouri (which is a pretty dangerous town), it was night and this was one of the last pictures I took:

What ended up happening, just as the sun was rising, I pulled over on a gravel road and "natured it". I haven't done that since I was a kid! I still don't know how I didn't get caught, but my god did I feel better and I was ready to get home! I even got to lt some of the air of my tires at that point.

All things considered, even though this trip had more bad things happen than the last trip, it was still WAY more enjoyable and I had a good time. I just need to find a better way to sort out bathroom breaks and figure out gas breaks. There are literally hundreds of miles of nothingness in Kansas without gas stations, so I need to remember that for next time!

Before I can go anywhere again though, I have to get my oil changed and get some little things fixed in my car. But I have been taking "after work" trips to local state parks. You guys know I'm terrified of trees, especially forests, but I'm realizing that, after I have a miserable horrible work day, going to a scary place is distracting me from the hell of my day. It's a strange situation, but I've done it like four times now. I'm filming it, but I keep forgetting my camera. I probably should carry my old point and shoot in my purse for such occasions, so I can at least still take pictures.

Anyway, these are the four big trips I've taken so far. I'm planning a huge trip to Massachusetts in the fall, but I have a few others in the works as well. I just have to get my car worked on first. I have to keep it in tip-top shape so I don't get stranded in the middle of nowhere (because I often really end up there!).

Thanks again guys for all your support, and hopefully I can edit these and have enough of a stash built up because, since I don't get to travel that often, I won't be able to keep a routine YouTube schedule on what little bit I have so far anyway, and they say the key to success is a routine schedule.

Part 4 is coming, but...

Things haven't been great in Keebles World. In fact, they've been really bad. I honestly don't ever say the phrase "things can't possibly get worse" because I know what karma comes with that, but I must be saying it subconsciously or something, because the ramifications have been kicking me in the behind every single day. I may get a reprieve for a day or two, but then then everything kicks back in with a vengeance. I believe it’s official…work is trying to kill me. I don’t even know how to handle that situation at all anymore. I just cry all the time. Every single day is just a test to see how much closer I can come to sheer madness. I don’t think they are doing it on purpose, that would mean they actually care.

I thought I had a reprieve on the horizon, the old California job offer reappeared at my absolute lowest point, and I was SOOO excited, especially since I could stay here and work from home for as long as I wanted (or move to Cali, my choice) even with the same Cali pay, but I haven’t heard a word since.

Granted, there are some behind-the-scenes issues on their end that are delaying things, but it feeds back to one of my fears from the first go-round that kept me from taking the job, I’m not truly sure of their commitment level. The first time, all this happened way too fast, this time, it’s not happening fast enough. I’m starting to worry it may not happen at all, especially now that my hopes are up. I do have trust issues though and patience definitely isn’t one of my virtues.

On top of all that, my therapist had an emergency that is going to keep her out until September, and they have placed me with someone who isn’t versed in my case, isn’t an Asper specialist, and seems more interested in talking about herself than listening to me (although technically I’ve only had one session and I don’t like change, but I also get a good feel for people from the get-go, so I’m sticking by my initial impressions). It’s like starting all over again, only this time, I’m not in a comfortable, or safe, situation.

My med nurse keeps trying to shove more pills down my throat, which I am actively fighting. Obviously, as I have told them many, many times, the meds don’t help. Meds are for moods and anxieties caused by chemical imbalances. My moods and anxieties are caused by my different wiring. Meds can’t fix wiring. Sure, they can keep certain neurons from firing, but that screws with the function of my brain which screws with me, and I don’t like it. Plus, she's talking hospitalization, not here, but at the state hospital. Yeah, no.

So, where does all this lead? Do I just keep toughing it out hoping that California comes through in the nick of time? I’ve been looking elsewhere, but the job market is scarce for someone like me with no real marketable skills. I could request a medical leave from work from my med nurse on the grounds of mental health. Wouldn’t that make work happy? But that could jeopardize any future job offers. It’s like I’m just stuck in an opened grave, with the dirt falling on me very slowly from above, and I can’t get out. I’m just waiting to be buried alive. Every so often, I get this rush of adrenaline and try to dig my way out, but then it rains, making all the dirt muddy and slimy. I just fall back down to the bottom and sink, waist deep, unable to get out again. I feel like I’ll never stop fighting to get out though, I’m just not built for anything but that survival instinct. Whoever is throwing that dirt down though is just determined to keep me in there at all costs.

I hate that my blog has become a "Debbie Downer" world. I wanted it to be lighthearted and fun. Full of cross-stitch and Disney and pups and travels, but still with a glimpse into what life as an Asper was like, since I got diagnosed not long before I started my blog. The more I learned about myself, and my condition, along the way, the more I shared, in hopes of helping other adults. But these past couple of years have seemingly become so full of anguish and fear, partly because of my 2017 experience in the Hotel California, but also because of my job (one of the few spaces that was always safe has become toxic and almost unbearable, but I have to tolerate it, at least for now). This wasn't the part of my life I wanted to share, but I feel like I need to because it's not all sunshine and rainbows being on the Spectrum.

I still have that ever present hope gene that things WILL get better and I can fix this somehow, so I will keep working to do so. I will try to limit the negative posts as much as I can, but I will also try to keep you updated because I know there are some of you out there that care and I don't want you to worry. You guys know I'm not religious, but I know there is a saying that god won't give you anymore than you can handle...well the dude must think I'm all the Avengers put togther or something! He needs to let off, seriously! If it's motivation to get me moving in a certain direction, I'm doing my Asper best, but be patient...it's not as easy for me to make rash judgements on huge life decisions or make changes to long-held routines as easily as it is for a neurotypical person! I need more time, not more pushing!

Anyway, I've rambled enough, I'll leave off here for now. I finally have the last Kansas trip pictures edited, and I'll get them uploaded in a blog post soon. Wish me luck on the job and that I hear something ASAP! I have been doing some weird things and posting them to Instagram. I still can't eat out or go in a store, but I've been walking in the woods? Yeah, my brain is going haywire! There aren't a lot of posts, but I'm working up to things slowly. I'm also trying to stay away from stories over there because I don't want there to become a here. So thanks to everyone for supporting me and sticking by me, hopefully, all this negativity will go away soon!