Updates of soul-crushing nothingness
No stitching to report...yeah, I suck. I have bought some charts, two from Witchykitt's (which I kind of begged her for, anything Shield or Once, so I was grateful for what I got):
And two from someone new (at least for me), Thread Geeks:
The ones from Thread Geeks I found by accident when I was just Googling Once patterns (which I do from time to time, trying to find anything I can). I did find a website that had a Once graphgan pattern. I can't crochet at all, but graphgans are fairly similar to cross stitching and I bet I could make it on the plastic stuff and still come out with something. There is a lady at work that does crochet, so maybe I could get her to do the actual crocheted accents. I downloaded the entire pattern (since it was free), but I'm not sure if (or when), I'll ever do anything with it.
I'm on the word count kick again. I decided to make a word list first of Once, sorting it alphabetically to edit out duplicates, then I think I'll graph it, add characters along the horizontal and mark down the line in each character's column who said what. That will be more comprehensive than just "how many times a character says hope" versus, "well Snow says it X amount of times" and blaa blaa blaa. Yeah, OCD is running rampant right now because of work.
Speaking of, I've gotten extremely used to being under lockdown, even still going to work every day, so now that restrictions are lifting (even though I don't think they should be), I'm having a horrible time trying to function. There are aspects of my job that require me to sometimes go to the other hospitals in town for various reasons (not often, but occasionally), but I haven't stepped foot in either for almost half a year now. Both still have temperature checks (which I still can't clear), but apparently, there are back ways in. My moral compass hates the idea of that. I don't break rules. Besides, all the rest withstanding, I am still an extremely high risk candidate for the virus on my asthma alone, putting me in the middle of a hospital laboratory is the stupidest idea anyone has ever had, especially if I'm supposedly so important that no one can do my job BUT me.
Keep in mind as well, I wouldn't have to go to the hospitals if the people that worked there would do their jobs. Their laziness is accepted and I must pay the price for it. "Oh, don't worry, we'll send Keebs over to fix it!". Here's a thought, shouldn't the people that work with it at least know enough about what they're working with to solve the most basic of problems and then if it's serious, hospital I.T. should step in since the machines are theirs and not ours? I guarantee the issue over there will take me 2 minutes tops to fix (and another 13 minutes of stupid explanations of how it happened, which I don't need nor care about). This has been a running thing with me and management since day 1 of my employment...I'm always punished for the laziness of others because I'm the one willing to step up. When I was younger, it made me proud that they trusted me enough to fix/do it right. Now, it's just insulting.
The older I get, the more I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it's not time to hang up my hat and just file for disability. That would mean no "real" house...I wouldn't be able to afford it. But the harder it gets for me to function in society, even in society I used to be comfortable in, the harder it is on me emotionally. I realize it's my fault. I've built up this facade of strength that I don't really have, just to appear "normal", so everyone around me thinks I can do things that I maybe I have done in the past, at great personal struggle that they didn't see (or didn't care), but that now I just can't even muster the strength to fake the "normalcy face" anymore. But because I used to do it, the powers that be can't understand why I still can't do it, so anything I say to the contrary now just seems like an excuse. I can't make them understand. Again, my fault.
I've asked to be demoted to a lower job and have been told no (because again, I've made the mistake of making myself invaluable apparently). I've tried to put my foot down and explain that I'm unable to do these emotionally scaring tasks anymore and have been told either "sorry, it's part of your job", or my personal favorite, "we know you can do it" (I'm REALLY beginning to hate that sentence). I'm even debating going back into therapy, although I know a doctor or a therapist's note wouldn't get me out of part of my job, no matter the severity. I've started having panic attacks in the parking lot in the mornings because I'm too scared to get out of my car, not knowing what is going to be asked of me during the day and I spend most of the day hiding in my office counting down the hours until I can go home, really not progressing too much on important stuff, but dealing with the mundane. I used to be able to handle both. But important stuff requires too much focus and my brain can't process that (which is probably also why I can't stitch right now either).
I'm also debating on returning to school, but my job was never supportive of that. Last time, I spent the entire semester embroiled in WWIII because no one in power here wanted me in school (which was ironic because it was originally a requirement of me taking the I.T. job). I was willing to fight to stay in school this past time though, but now I don't think I have the strength for it. Besides, and I've even talked to my old advisor about it, I'm going to be 50 this year, even once I get a degree in a couple of years, with all my issues, being that age and being female, it will be incredibly hard for me to get any kind of tech job, so why even bother? That leads me again back to the age old question...what am I going to be when I grow up? I've only ever been good at two things...tech and art and the art gene I've lost.
Why did the world have to go to hell at the same time my life did? It's not like there are a multitude of job opportunities out there, especially for someone like me. And even going back to school again requires a certain level of sociability that I struggled immensely with a couple of years ago and now would probably be impossible. Granted, I could just quit my job, take out loans, go to school full time and finish in two years max. If all I did was school, maybe the social aspects of it wouldn't be so difficult. I wouldn't be switching from one mode (being work) to another (being school) and back again. But I'm single. The amount of loans I'd have to take out just to live would be ridiculous and I couldn't pay them off before I was dead, and that's IF I could get a job with my degree. Most people forget that singles have higher taxes, higher insurance rates, higher everything. I've never understood that. A two-income household has twice the money coming in, why should they get discounts? But that's a whole other argument.
If I'm forced to go across town, I will have to be chaperoned, and my emotions have ranged from "I hope I get sick just to show them" to something I'm not going to type out because saying them out loud got me in a lot of trouble a few years ago to "I hope I don't get sick" because of what could happen if infect someone else (or even my pups, which is still a possibility). And going over there is going to be a HUGE emotional blow for probably 15 minutes of stupidity because of someone else being an idiot. It's not worth the health risks, let alone the mental scaring, but I guess no one cares, which is why I guess I'm starting to wake up and realize that maybe I need to start caring. Just the fact that I've literally wasted at least five days worrying myself sick over the potential of having to spend 15 minutes over there is my wake-up call. But again, I'm kind of stuck in the hell I've made because I'm really not in a position to change it.
I get everyone has struggles with their job sometimes, and if it's not a career you love and it's just a job, even if it's one you don't care for, you should just go in, do it, and go home, but how do you deal with one that causes you such emotional turmoil and stress? Is it even worth it? I'm not sure anywhere else would be better considering my issues, hence the disability argument, but am I really to resign myself to a life of extreme poverty (rather than just normal poverty), just to be able to stay at home all the time? I can't deal anymore for today.
As if all that wasn't enough, this week is the series finale of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which I just KNOW is going to end badly (because my luck guarantees it), so let's just add more fuel to my proverbial fire, shall we? Yea me!
And two from someone new (at least for me), Thread Geeks:
The ones from Thread Geeks I found by accident when I was just Googling Once patterns (which I do from time to time, trying to find anything I can). I did find a website that had a Once graphgan pattern. I can't crochet at all, but graphgans are fairly similar to cross stitching and I bet I could make it on the plastic stuff and still come out with something. There is a lady at work that does crochet, so maybe I could get her to do the actual crocheted accents. I downloaded the entire pattern (since it was free), but I'm not sure if (or when), I'll ever do anything with it.
I'm on the word count kick again. I decided to make a word list first of Once, sorting it alphabetically to edit out duplicates, then I think I'll graph it, add characters along the horizontal and mark down the line in each character's column who said what. That will be more comprehensive than just "how many times a character says hope" versus, "well Snow says it X amount of times" and blaa blaa blaa. Yeah, OCD is running rampant right now because of work.
Speaking of, I've gotten extremely used to being under lockdown, even still going to work every day, so now that restrictions are lifting (even though I don't think they should be), I'm having a horrible time trying to function. There are aspects of my job that require me to sometimes go to the other hospitals in town for various reasons (not often, but occasionally), but I haven't stepped foot in either for almost half a year now. Both still have temperature checks (which I still can't clear), but apparently, there are back ways in. My moral compass hates the idea of that. I don't break rules. Besides, all the rest withstanding, I am still an extremely high risk candidate for the virus on my asthma alone, putting me in the middle of a hospital laboratory is the stupidest idea anyone has ever had, especially if I'm supposedly so important that no one can do my job BUT me.
Keep in mind as well, I wouldn't have to go to the hospitals if the people that worked there would do their jobs. Their laziness is accepted and I must pay the price for it. "Oh, don't worry, we'll send Keebs over to fix it!". Here's a thought, shouldn't the people that work with it at least know enough about what they're working with to solve the most basic of problems and then if it's serious, hospital I.T. should step in since the machines are theirs and not ours? I guarantee the issue over there will take me 2 minutes tops to fix (and another 13 minutes of stupid explanations of how it happened, which I don't need nor care about). This has been a running thing with me and management since day 1 of my employment...I'm always punished for the laziness of others because I'm the one willing to step up. When I was younger, it made me proud that they trusted me enough to fix/do it right. Now, it's just insulting.
The older I get, the more I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it's not time to hang up my hat and just file for disability. That would mean no "real" house...I wouldn't be able to afford it. But the harder it gets for me to function in society, even in society I used to be comfortable in, the harder it is on me emotionally. I realize it's my fault. I've built up this facade of strength that I don't really have, just to appear "normal", so everyone around me thinks I can do things that I maybe I have done in the past, at great personal struggle that they didn't see (or didn't care), but that now I just can't even muster the strength to fake the "normalcy face" anymore. But because I used to do it, the powers that be can't understand why I still can't do it, so anything I say to the contrary now just seems like an excuse. I can't make them understand. Again, my fault.
I've asked to be demoted to a lower job and have been told no (because again, I've made the mistake of making myself invaluable apparently). I've tried to put my foot down and explain that I'm unable to do these emotionally scaring tasks anymore and have been told either "sorry, it's part of your job", or my personal favorite, "we know you can do it" (I'm REALLY beginning to hate that sentence). I'm even debating going back into therapy, although I know a doctor or a therapist's note wouldn't get me out of part of my job, no matter the severity. I've started having panic attacks in the parking lot in the mornings because I'm too scared to get out of my car, not knowing what is going to be asked of me during the day and I spend most of the day hiding in my office counting down the hours until I can go home, really not progressing too much on important stuff, but dealing with the mundane. I used to be able to handle both. But important stuff requires too much focus and my brain can't process that (which is probably also why I can't stitch right now either).
I'm also debating on returning to school, but my job was never supportive of that. Last time, I spent the entire semester embroiled in WWIII because no one in power here wanted me in school (which was ironic because it was originally a requirement of me taking the I.T. job). I was willing to fight to stay in school this past time though, but now I don't think I have the strength for it. Besides, and I've even talked to my old advisor about it, I'm going to be 50 this year, even once I get a degree in a couple of years, with all my issues, being that age and being female, it will be incredibly hard for me to get any kind of tech job, so why even bother? That leads me again back to the age old question...what am I going to be when I grow up? I've only ever been good at two things...tech and art and the art gene I've lost.
Why did the world have to go to hell at the same time my life did? It's not like there are a multitude of job opportunities out there, especially for someone like me. And even going back to school again requires a certain level of sociability that I struggled immensely with a couple of years ago and now would probably be impossible. Granted, I could just quit my job, take out loans, go to school full time and finish in two years max. If all I did was school, maybe the social aspects of it wouldn't be so difficult. I wouldn't be switching from one mode (being work) to another (being school) and back again. But I'm single. The amount of loans I'd have to take out just to live would be ridiculous and I couldn't pay them off before I was dead, and that's IF I could get a job with my degree. Most people forget that singles have higher taxes, higher insurance rates, higher everything. I've never understood that. A two-income household has twice the money coming in, why should they get discounts? But that's a whole other argument.
If I'm forced to go across town, I will have to be chaperoned, and my emotions have ranged from "I hope I get sick just to show them" to something I'm not going to type out because saying them out loud got me in a lot of trouble a few years ago to "I hope I don't get sick" because of what could happen if infect someone else (or even my pups, which is still a possibility). And going over there is going to be a HUGE emotional blow for probably 15 minutes of stupidity because of someone else being an idiot. It's not worth the health risks, let alone the mental scaring, but I guess no one cares, which is why I guess I'm starting to wake up and realize that maybe I need to start caring. Just the fact that I've literally wasted at least five days worrying myself sick over the potential of having to spend 15 minutes over there is my wake-up call. But again, I'm kind of stuck in the hell I've made because I'm really not in a position to change it.
I get everyone has struggles with their job sometimes, and if it's not a career you love and it's just a job, even if it's one you don't care for, you should just go in, do it, and go home, but how do you deal with one that causes you such emotional turmoil and stress? Is it even worth it? I'm not sure anywhere else would be better considering my issues, hence the disability argument, but am I really to resign myself to a life of extreme poverty (rather than just normal poverty), just to be able to stay at home all the time? I can't deal anymore for today.
As if all that wasn't enough, this week is the series finale of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which I just KNOW is going to end badly (because my luck guarantees it), so let's just add more fuel to my proverbial fire, shall we? Yea me!
Comments
Linda
You need a union. Or an advocate at the very least.
If they send you to the hospital, just fail the temperature test and get sent home again. Or suggest you talk them through the problem via Zoom or something remote. There is no reason for you to be there in person unless you actually have to cut the blue wire and defuse the bomb yourself.
As for SHIELD; I do hope things will turn out okay (or have turned out okay by the time I'm writing this, probably). Seasons 4 and 5 just turned up on Disney+ in Germany, so we watched S4 last week and started S5 today. I do not like some of the things that are happening already!