Top 5 List - Ways I'm still negatively impacted by the "incident"
I bet you thought there was going to be another Supernatural top 5 in this week's list? Well, I can't promise it won't pop up once (or twice). This one isn't going to be a "happy" Top 5 like one about a horror TV show, so I apologize now...my head's not it the game right now. Maybe, if I do another one next week, it will be better.
On Friday night, I had to go to Target (something I wouldn't normally do on a weekend, but I was feeling overly brave). Nothing major happened. I only had two days to prepare to go instead of my usual week or so and it was more of a whim thing. I was fine at first, but it didn't take long for me to start having freak out moments because I was unprepared. I wanted to do my "hide in the corner until I calmed down" trick, but it was so crowded, there was no place to hide. I had to just suck it up and deal. I don't "deal" very well apparently. I even think a guy working in electronics must have recognized a look in my eyes because he nodded at me as I walked by like he got what I was going through...it wasn't just a "normal" nod. I'm not sure if that made me feel better or worse. I also needed to go to the grocery store, but that obviously didn't happen (and I'm not sure when it will now).
For all the advances I might think I have made since being locked up in that stupid hospital (aka, "the incident"), that whole episode Friday really scared me. Apparently, no matter how many steps forward I take, especially when I start to feel safe again, I have these over-reacting or weird side effects, aka this week's Top 5 list.
#5: Lack of Stitchy Bug:
Throughout the years, stitching has morphed into different meanings for me. For the longest period, it has been like medication. It calmed me, it kept my hands busy, ordered my mind while I worked through my issues. The TV was just noise in the background. But now, I don't want to deal with any issues. I want to sit on the couch, veg out and feel nothing (hence TV is now the meds). When I try to stitch now, my brain goes back into the same old patterns and I can't continue for very long because I can't deal, at least not now.
A side effect of this has been I'm loosing followers. Of course, this blog has never just been about stitching. It was actually started as a rebellion against social media. All they want is fake smiles, puppies dogs, and rainbows...I could only manage the puppy part. In the blog world, the rules are different and I much prefer it here. If you are here for just stitching, then this probably isn't the place for you. Granted, I will eventually stitch again, but there might be some angst in between. Now I'm starting to have FB-type guilt that I might be upsetting people or that I'm not keeping people entertained enough and I shouldn't care about that here. I've never cared about that before. That's what is so great about the blog world...there is no judgement and people can come and go as they please, but why is it making me feel like I'm failing at blogging?
#4: Weekends Are Made For...Nada:
It's apparently not bad enough that I sit on my behind all night to watch mindless TV, but I also do the same all weekend with an extra caveat...nothing else gets done. All those little chores that I say to myself, "I'll do it on the weekend", not only don't get done on the weekend, but I usually end up doing them half-assed for a half an hour or so after work on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and often into Thursday instead and then start the same mantra over again by Friday.
The side effect of this is, even the littlest of chores, takes weeks to get done. Clean underwear? Nope, just buy new ones until I can do laundry. That new comforter I bought weeks ago to maybe get me sleeping in the bed again? Still in the bag on top of the bed (like I'm ever going to get off the couch anyway). And don't get me started on the mental effort it takes to write a blog post...it's probably why they end up so long, because I work on them off and on for too long. And the list goes on.
#3: Physical Contact
It's easier than you think to avoid planned touching events like handshakes at meetings. I've become quite an expert at it. I don't have any personal relationships left that aren't blog-related, so that makes after hours easy.
This side effect is less important, but I know eventually my job will notice because it makes me look rude and unapproachable for the company. Right now, despite what they've been doing to me, I have to keep in their good graces because I still need a good reference to get another job. Even I know burning this bridge is a bad idea.
#2: Money, Money, Money By The Pound:
People think that because I'm fat, I must be a depressive eater, I'm not...I'm a depressive spender, and boy, have I been burnin' through the paychecks lately! Granted, a lot of expensive unforeseen things have been happening too...the air conditioner went out (and I think it's trying to again), I blew my knee out (again) and, for some stupid reason, I decided I just HAD to have a new TV and all the accouterments.
The side effects here are obvious...graduate and get a diploma so I can move and make more money only to still be stuck because I can't afford to move due to added school debt on top of mounting credit card debt. All that work just to end up on the same river and then making work happy in the process because I won't be leaving after all? Now that would be the ultimate kick in the pants, now wouldn't it?
#1: Repetition Central:
For all my advances since my hospital stay, I seem to be even more in an obsession loop than ever. The closer I get to school, the more my OCD kicks in. I tend to eat the same things most days with very little variation and I've obviously been watching the same TV show over and over since October (bet you thought I'd made it through an entire post without mentioning Supernatural). I can vary my TV viewing, but I always end up back on SPN...same with food. I can't be as lenient with work for some reason. If my work routine gets interrupted, I'm messed up for days.
This is the weirdest side effect because it's #3 on the list...lack of want of human interaction. I've never been good in this area anyway, but now I'm full-on disabled in it. I find it difficult to even interact with work colleagues that didn't bother me before. I rarely leave my office anymore until it's time to go home and then I rarely leave my home unless it's school related. My monthly beach trips have stopped because I can't deal with possible interactions with gas stations attendants. I have almost fully cut myself off from the rest of my family.
I'm not sure if it's because I can only turn my brain on enough to work and then, after hours, all I can manage is mind-numbing TV or the over-analyzation of said TV. I just can't deal with "real" people, only fictional ones except for you guys, my internet friends. But then again, since we are dealing with email relationships, and not face-to-face ones, maybe that makes it easier for me to communicate and deal better. I don't ever get sick of hearing from you guys and I love the interactions we have, but since I have control over when I respond, maybe that is what makes the difference. You guys are not taking up my space or need answers right this minute like people in my world do.
Basically, I spent three days locked up wanting freedom, only to spend the next three-quarters of a year mentally locking myself in my own head and I don't know how to fix it. I think I've just been kidding myself with this whole "going back to school must mean I've changed for the better" thing. I play like I'm happier but, when things like Friday night happen, it scares the weakness back into me.
What worries me about this one is, what happens when I actually start school and don't have time to watch TV anymore? Will I replace my focus with school work or will I end up not doing school work because I can't give up TV? At least at school, I don't have to worry too much about being touched because the current generation isn't too handsy, but what happens if it does happen and I scream like I've been burned with acid (which is what would probably happen)? What will happen if I start to panic and I'm in the middle of class and I can't leave? What will happen when work makes me late for class? It will be an interesting study that I'll guess we'll know the answer to soon enough.
On Friday night, I had to go to Target (something I wouldn't normally do on a weekend, but I was feeling overly brave). Nothing major happened. I only had two days to prepare to go instead of my usual week or so and it was more of a whim thing. I was fine at first, but it didn't take long for me to start having freak out moments because I was unprepared. I wanted to do my "hide in the corner until I calmed down" trick, but it was so crowded, there was no place to hide. I had to just suck it up and deal. I don't "deal" very well apparently. I even think a guy working in electronics must have recognized a look in my eyes because he nodded at me as I walked by like he got what I was going through...it wasn't just a "normal" nod. I'm not sure if that made me feel better or worse. I also needed to go to the grocery store, but that obviously didn't happen (and I'm not sure when it will now).
For all the advances I might think I have made since being locked up in that stupid hospital (aka, "the incident"), that whole episode Friday really scared me. Apparently, no matter how many steps forward I take, especially when I start to feel safe again, I have these over-reacting or weird side effects, aka this week's Top 5 list.
#5: Lack of Stitchy Bug:
Throughout the years, stitching has morphed into different meanings for me. For the longest period, it has been like medication. It calmed me, it kept my hands busy, ordered my mind while I worked through my issues. The TV was just noise in the background. But now, I don't want to deal with any issues. I want to sit on the couch, veg out and feel nothing (hence TV is now the meds). When I try to stitch now, my brain goes back into the same old patterns and I can't continue for very long because I can't deal, at least not now.
A side effect of this has been I'm loosing followers. Of course, this blog has never just been about stitching. It was actually started as a rebellion against social media. All they want is fake smiles, puppies dogs, and rainbows...I could only manage the puppy part. In the blog world, the rules are different and I much prefer it here. If you are here for just stitching, then this probably isn't the place for you. Granted, I will eventually stitch again, but there might be some angst in between. Now I'm starting to have FB-type guilt that I might be upsetting people or that I'm not keeping people entertained enough and I shouldn't care about that here. I've never cared about that before. That's what is so great about the blog world...there is no judgement and people can come and go as they please, but why is it making me feel like I'm failing at blogging?
#4: Weekends Are Made For...Nada:
It's apparently not bad enough that I sit on my behind all night to watch mindless TV, but I also do the same all weekend with an extra caveat...nothing else gets done. All those little chores that I say to myself, "I'll do it on the weekend", not only don't get done on the weekend, but I usually end up doing them half-assed for a half an hour or so after work on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and often into Thursday instead and then start the same mantra over again by Friday.
The side effect of this is, even the littlest of chores, takes weeks to get done. Clean underwear? Nope, just buy new ones until I can do laundry. That new comforter I bought weeks ago to maybe get me sleeping in the bed again? Still in the bag on top of the bed (like I'm ever going to get off the couch anyway). And don't get me started on the mental effort it takes to write a blog post...it's probably why they end up so long, because I work on them off and on for too long. And the list goes on.
#3: Physical Contact
It's easier than you think to avoid planned touching events like handshakes at meetings. I've become quite an expert at it. I don't have any personal relationships left that aren't blog-related, so that makes after hours easy.
This side effect is less important, but I know eventually my job will notice because it makes me look rude and unapproachable for the company. Right now, despite what they've been doing to me, I have to keep in their good graces because I still need a good reference to get another job. Even I know burning this bridge is a bad idea.
#2: Money, Money, Money By The Pound:
People think that because I'm fat, I must be a depressive eater, I'm not...I'm a depressive spender, and boy, have I been burnin' through the paychecks lately! Granted, a lot of expensive unforeseen things have been happening too...the air conditioner went out (and I think it's trying to again), I blew my knee out (again) and, for some stupid reason, I decided I just HAD to have a new TV and all the accouterments.
The side effects here are obvious...graduate and get a diploma so I can move and make more money only to still be stuck because I can't afford to move due to added school debt on top of mounting credit card debt. All that work just to end up on the same river and then making work happy in the process because I won't be leaving after all? Now that would be the ultimate kick in the pants, now wouldn't it?
#1: Repetition Central:
For all my advances since my hospital stay, I seem to be even more in an obsession loop than ever. The closer I get to school, the more my OCD kicks in. I tend to eat the same things most days with very little variation and I've obviously been watching the same TV show over and over since October (bet you thought I'd made it through an entire post without mentioning Supernatural). I can vary my TV viewing, but I always end up back on SPN...same with food. I can't be as lenient with work for some reason. If my work routine gets interrupted, I'm messed up for days.
This is the weirdest side effect because it's #3 on the list...lack of want of human interaction. I've never been good in this area anyway, but now I'm full-on disabled in it. I find it difficult to even interact with work colleagues that didn't bother me before. I rarely leave my office anymore until it's time to go home and then I rarely leave my home unless it's school related. My monthly beach trips have stopped because I can't deal with possible interactions with gas stations attendants. I have almost fully cut myself off from the rest of my family.
I'm not sure if it's because I can only turn my brain on enough to work and then, after hours, all I can manage is mind-numbing TV or the over-analyzation of said TV. I just can't deal with "real" people, only fictional ones except for you guys, my internet friends. But then again, since we are dealing with email relationships, and not face-to-face ones, maybe that makes it easier for me to communicate and deal better. I don't ever get sick of hearing from you guys and I love the interactions we have, but since I have control over when I respond, maybe that is what makes the difference. You guys are not taking up my space or need answers right this minute like people in my world do.
Basically, I spent three days locked up wanting freedom, only to spend the next three-quarters of a year mentally locking myself in my own head and I don't know how to fix it. I think I've just been kidding myself with this whole "going back to school must mean I've changed for the better" thing. I play like I'm happier but, when things like Friday night happen, it scares the weakness back into me.
What worries me about this one is, what happens when I actually start school and don't have time to watch TV anymore? Will I replace my focus with school work or will I end up not doing school work because I can't give up TV? At least at school, I don't have to worry too much about being touched because the current generation isn't too handsy, but what happens if it does happen and I scream like I've been burned with acid (which is what would probably happen)? What will happen if I start to panic and I'm in the middle of class and I can't leave? What will happen when work makes me late for class? It will be an interesting study that I'll guess we'll know the answer to soon enough.
Comments
As far as needing to spend time on homework, etc, hopefully at that point your brain will be like "I've got this" and starting school will be the break it needs to resume "normal" function.
Definitely don't feel any guilt about not posting. We all like to hear from you and know you're okay, but we're ready for you on your own time.
Linda
From my experience, 'older', returning-to-school students don't fit in with the younger crowed as naturally, so until you make a conscious effort to be included, people will probably leave you alone anyways.
Hopefully this will be a short lived funk and once you get to college the interesting things you'll be studying will keep you satisfied.