Quick Update

Sorry guys! We were out of town last week and I haven't had time to do a post. We went to Pennsylvania for a rather late memorial service for my Grandmother (which turned out to be a total bust, but I'll go into detail later), but it was also a very short road trip for my Sister and I. We had stops at Transylvania University in Lexington, Trans Allegheny Lunatic Asylum, Centralia, Hershey, Harrisburg, Burkittsville, Shepherdstown, and Nashville before we made it home, so it was crazy, but, as per usual, I have pictures! I just have to edit them.

On the personal front, right before we left for the trip I found out that my therapist is not moving to another facility, but is staying at the "bad" place, so I have to decide if I want to continue seeing her or not. I can't even go to my pulmonologist who is in the same building right now, so I don't know what to do. I told her it would have to wait until after our trip, but that's done and I'm still no closer to making a decision.

I also had my annual MRI yesterday for the lump in my head, so I'll know whether or not it's grown next week (I'm sure it hasn't, but we have to check). My neurosurgeon is leaving town, so I also have to get a new one of those...at least I have a year before my next MRI. Hopefully, they will get someone amazing in between now and then and I won't have to go out of town.

So basically, all this means that I have done absolutely no stitching, but I'm hoping to start back again soon!

Long and busy week

I didn't get a single stitch done, but I did make it through a work week (somehow). I did spend most of the week locked in my office. The stuttering was horrible until almost the end of the week and I still can't really answer the phone properly. I am going across the street to the hospital, but I bolt in and out faster than Speedy Gonzales on speed. At least I'm saving a ton of money not stopping at Starbucks to get tea or energy drinks in the morning!

My fears about my work colleagues was justified. Everyone was either over-compensating or ignoring me completely. I really didn't care as much as I thought I would. I bothers me more that the people who actually knew I was in the loony bin thought I was there because I'm a nutter and that they didn't know the truth. A lot of people just thought I was off sick due to my mental issues, but didn't know about the hospital stay. Those people don't bother me as much and I'm not sure why.

By the end of the week I managed to go to the gas station by myself (but only because my gas light came on). I couldn't stay long enough to fill the tank because there were too many people roaming around, but it was a step. I also went to Walgreens and picked up my prescriptions at the drive-thru but I still can't go to Sonic. I went out Saturday with my Sister to get our hair done and we did a fair amount of shopping (even to the mall). Sephora forgot to put one of my purchases in my bag, so I ended up going back to the mall by myself to pick it up, but it wasn't as easy as it was supposed to be and my second trip to Walgreens didn't happen.

Point being, I'm no where near back to normal, but I'm dealing as best as I can which is still a pretty sad state of affairs. The only thing that is in no way, shape, form, or fashion improving is the nightmares...they are getting more and more terrible by the day. I wake up every single morning at 2:47 am with the first one (not sure of the significance of that time and it's driving me crazy trying to figure it out), and they just keep on until the alarm goes off for work. Early Thursday morning, I just got up at 4:30 am and stayed up because those were the worst I'd ever had leading to full-on sleep paralysis, something I haven't done since I was a kid. You know, when you're awake but you can't open your eyes or move and you're still stuck in the dream?

So Friday morning, I decided not to sleep at all. I did end up snoozing for about an hour in the chair sitting straight up with the tv on, but nowhere near long enough to hit dream sleep and nowhere near 2:47, so it was the first (and only) night I haven't had nightmares since I got out of the hospital. Friday wasn't such a good work day though, so I've just given up and decided to deal with them as best as I can. I've tried watching horror movies to try to have "normal" nightmares, but all that does is put Freddy Kruger in the nuthouse with me! I'll take a good knife-wielding serial-killing psychopath over these dreams any day...being trapped in that bloody hospital.

I need to officially get started on that stupid letter to whoever about how I was treated at the hospital, but now I don't see the point anymore. I just want to forget it all. Besides, there is a lot about to go on next week and frankly, I just don't have time. I just want to go back to "my" normal again.

I Stitched!

I took me a while (and quite a few Xanax to get my hands to quit shaking enough to work), but I finally started stitching again and I've barely stopped since! I left off on Alice and the B's:

And, although some of the work was done before I went "inside", here's where Cindy is now:

Right now, I'm still not ready to put them down and work on something else...I need the familiarity right now. I'm not stitching very fast, but I'm also not having any focus issues, which surprises me.

Tomorrow, I have to go back to work. It's why I'm stopping stitching earlier than normal because the fear is getting too great and my hands are shaking too bad again to stitch effectively. I can't thank you guys enough for all your support! It never ceases to amaze me how great all you guys are!

Unfortunately, I doubt I can say the same thing for my co-workers and I figure there will be a lot of judgement on me tomorrow. Normally, I could care less what those people think of me so I'm not sure why I care now, it's probably because I'm just too open and vulnerable to almost every little thing. To be honest, I'm not sure how many people at work actually know what happened to me and, the ones that do know, don't know the whole story. Once my Asper mouth gets running though, I probably won't be able to shut up about it.

I managed to go into work Saturday when no one was there and got somewhat caught up. Once I stepped out of the house, I practically ran to the car because my neighbors were all out roaming around. I tried to go to Sonic and get a soda, but I couldn't even go through the drive thru, so I failed that mission, but once I got to the lab, it was easy to get in the building because it's across the street from a busy hospital and people were EVERYWHERE. When I was inside, it was easy to get to my office, but I couldn't close the door to my office. That is going to be a problem. I had planned on spending my "real" work week locked in my office. I can't do that if I can't close the door. I am literally going to be a fishbowl. But then again, maybe it's just a people thing...I seem to run like a chicken when I see people, so maybe, come tomorrow, I'll be locking that door the moment I step through it. Here's hoping! And here's hoping that everyone will be terrified of the "crazy" and leave me alone! Stay tuned.

Nuthouse stay affecting HAED buying styles

Funny, but I scavenged from every credit card I had to get a few purchases from the HAED sale and my picks ended up being quite interesting from a psychiatric point of view.

Of course, there was the obligatory Jasmine Becket-Griffiths, including The World, which obviously is something I'm TERRIFIED of right now and can't bear to look at because it is filled with raging seas and terrifying monsters:

The Mini version of Dress of Storms, an obvious commentary on my emotional state:

Faces of Faery 71...hiding from the world:

By The Seaside, where I spent a lot of my "incarceration" time imagining I was, gathering shells:

And Absinthe Goggles, which is what I felt like I was looking through the entire time. Absinthe doesn't have the same effect on me like it does most people, it takes a lot of it to get me drunk (unlike other alcohols), it just kind of clouds my brain, like those damn meds were doing:

I also got the Supersized Max Color version of Alternate Reality by Josephine Wall. I've had the regular version for years but, even though I loved the pattern, I always disliked it's lack of detail and this version solves that problem. Right now, I'm living on the good side of that mirror, but eventually, I'm going to have to go back to work into the cold cruel "real world", so this one REALLY hits home. This might actually be the first SS/MC project I start and it might be soon if I can find some fabric on sale:

While I was at it, I picked up her Lilac Dreams as well because I love purple and, if I ever do get to build my new house, this will look great in my bedroom (and, from the perspective of all the other choices, I did spend a lot of time in the nuthouse sleeping and dreaming of my happy places anyway):

On the darker side, I picked up John Shannon's Bitter Half. I've got to re-learn to hide that bitter half of myself from the world again since I seem to have lost an entire lifetime of Asper social training, so I thought this one was really appropriate. The left is how I am most times on the inside, the right is how I must appear to the world. I'm just not sure that I can remember how to pull it off anymore so I might look a bit schitzo to people for a while unless I keep myself as closed off as possible (which is my plan).

I also got my first fractal, Fairydust by Elizabeth Welker. I love this design because it's fairydust and supposed to be beautiful and happy (which it is), but it's all fractured and feels more sad than happy to me...fractured pieces of light amidst a sea of blackness, plus, there is the purple factor:

And last, but certainly not least, Lavender Grey by Sheena Pike. This IS me right now in every sense, from the expression to the accents to the colors. Anyone have the key that will unlock my head and get me back to normal? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Trapped from one small space to another

First of all, thank EVERYONE for your support! I am so grateful to have such good bloggie friends!! Can't necessarily say the same thing about the friends in my real world other than just a couple, but still! I am going to respond to everyone's emails and comments...just please be patient with me right now.

I still haven't gone back to work yet. I can't leave the house barely at all and, if I do, not for very long and NEVER alone. Yesterday was the first day I was able to take a shower without someone else in the house, but I couldn't keep the door closed, so the floor got soaked. The nightmares are getting worse too. I talked to the therapist at the hospital (to get my work excuse extended) and she suggested maybe I should come back to the hospital. I was still laughing when I hung up on her!

Basically, I'm extremely terrified of small places like bathrooms and showers, but I can't leave my tiny 1150 sq ft trailer because I'm terrified of the outside world. Every light also has to be on because my fear of the dark has also gone bizonker-nuts. The only way I can explain it is that the tiny spaces remind me of the hospital room and the outside world stirs up my social anxiety disorder and I've always been scared of the dark, so of course that fear is exacerbated with the rest of them.

My boss took me out to the drug store to get my meds yesterday and we drove around for a bit, but it left me with an extremely bad headache today, so I guess I'm glad I got my Stadol filled on a whim yesterday too. It also proves how suicidal I'm not because Stadol could kill me in literally two seconds if I use it wrong and I have no desire to, I just want my headache to stop.

I really want to stitch, but my hands won't stop shaking enough and I can't focus at all, so I haven't been able to (and I certainly can't with a headache). But my stitchy bug is back (I think), I just can't physically do it right now, but hopefully soon.

I'm still trying to get caught up on the outside world, but my hopes are with all my friends in Texas and now Florida. Take care of yourselves and BE CAREFUL! I can't believe hurricane season has barely started and it's already this bad. I hate to see what it will be like by the end of the season. Makes me feel stupid whining about my stupid little problems!

Be VERY careful what you say to a therapist or you'll spend 72 hours in a funny farm!

In case anyone was wondering where I've been for the past few days, I've been locked up in the nuthouse...yeah, no joke. I've always tried to tell the Asper side of things on my blog as much as I can, not just to help myself, but maybe help others out there who know people like me or who are like me...it ain't all cross stitch and Disney around here, as most of you know.

You guys know that my meds have been screwed up lately. I mentioned that my shrink was leaving and I would be stuck with APNs, but at least I still had my therapist. The entire office moved to another building, but the problem was, they merged the Behavioral Health Clinic in with the Internal Medicine Residency Clinic, meaning us crazies were in with normals. That was problem enough and made it EXTREMELY difficult for me to even go over there at all, even though they had moved into the old Cancer Center where my Sister worked for years. You'd think I'd be comfortable there because I've been there a lot visiting her, but NO! I complained to one of my docs who, in turn, took it all the way to the board of directors to the hospital and the proverbial "shit was being stirred", but not fast enough.

My therapist called me week-before-last to tell me she was leaving the clinic too, but where she was moving was still local and I could come with her (and she wanted me to), so I got started on making the move from one place to the other. It solved the problem of me dealing with the new clinic's location, but the catch was, it would be the middle of September before she started her new job and, because of a family obligation, my third week in September is fried too (which I know I keep saying I'll talk about in another post), but I really will), meaning it will be the end of September before I get moved over and seeing her again. She is getting her own med provider, so I won't have to worry about shrinks, which is good (and saves me a crap-ton of money), but it still wasn't solving the current problem.

I had been trying to get in to see these new APNs who took over for all the exiting shrinks at Behavioral Health, to no avail and my medicines were making me worse and worse and I didn't know if I could make it until the end of September.

Working in the medical field, I may not personally have "connections", but I know people who do. Last Monday through Wednesday was particularly bad for me and the suicidal thoughts started creeping back in pretty heavily. I mentioned to a trusted friend and co-worker (with connections) on Wednesday morning what I was dealing with, and within five minutes, she had me an appointment with one of the elusive APNs at Behavioral health for Wednesday afternoon.

I got there, dealt with all the horrible social issues of the merged clinics and finally got back to see her. I explained the problem with the meds and what I was feeling, but then she asked me those three little questions that I NOW know NEVER say yes to!

1) Are you suicidal? (obviously, the meds were killing me)
2) Do you think about hurting others? (who doesn't sometimes, right?)
3) Do you have a plan for killing yourself? (well, stupid question...if you've thought about it then obviously you've thought of how, right?)

The rest is pretty much a blur but, next thing I know, I'm strapped into an ambulance where I spent my next three days and nights locked up in a psych hospital.

Picture, if you will, an extreme social phobic, OCD ridden, Asper person locked in a room with NOTHING in it. Activities and meals were mandatory, outside that room, in with the general population of other nutters (I don't use the term loosely...the place was literally filled with NUTBALLS). I refused to leave my room and fought with many a PCT tech (my Sister told me to stop calling them orderlies, but that's what they acted like) so, needless to say, I didn't get to eat until after I saw the shrink which was about 27 hours after admittance (my first one that started this whole mess FYI) and she ordered that my food was to be taken to my room and I didn't have to go to group or activities if I didn't want to (although the orderlies...damn it...they acted like them, so I'm calling them that...kept trying to force me to go out). I came out for med time and phone time and that was it and I bolted so fast in and out my room, I was like Speedy Gonzales.

Every minute of every day I was getting worse. I kept telling the shrink and the therapist this, but they wouldn't listen. My Sister called everyday and when she finally told them that was the worse possible environment for someone like me and I was getting worse by the second. At that, they FINALLY listened and, despite numerous hiccups that almost caused me to snap completely, by Saturday afternoon I was home again.

Issue is now, I'm terrified to leave the house at all. My Sister stayed Saturday night when I got home, but she has a life and I couldn't keep her here. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I have NO CLUE how I'm going to do that. 35 years of Asper training to "appear normal" and be able to function in the "real world" is all gone and I'm that terrified little girl again.

I don't blame myself (well, a bit maybe), I blame them entirely. I told them I couldn't take SSRI's, they didn't listen. I told them them meds were screwing me up, they didn't listen. I was tricked into answering those three little questions in just the right way (damn my brutally honest Asper mouth), and I was forced through three full days of utter hell that has screwed up all that I have accomplished in my lifetime to be able to function socially. And don't get me started on the nightmares...they have been BRUTAL! The odds of me EVER trusting a mental health professional again are next to nil.

Amber (who has more connections than god, or at least is married to a man who does), is writing a formal letter to the hospital board and wants me to do the same detailing my experiences. Other than this rather satirical view of the past few days in blog form, I'm not sure I can rehash every detail from those three days, nor do I want to. It almost feels like it was a dream anyway (I must have spent a lot of time having Out of Body Experiences and just didn't know it). I know the only way to make that place change its practices and not treat all crazies the exact same way (because we're not), is through documentation (and powerful people), but it's still scary.

So guys, be patient with me...I'm extremely "off" right now and I don't know how it will affect blogging, stitching, or Disney anything. It's just too soon to tell. Needless to say, if I do start to have suicidal thoughts again (although, now that the meds are out of my system, I'm fine on that front again), I will definitely plead the 5th on those three trick questions!