More silence, more nothingness
I feel like the worst blogger in the world, but I literally have done nothing. No stitching and no house upgrades or even cleaning (although I've been paying my credit cards down like gangbusters, so, if I keep up this pace, my new house could be less than a year away)!
What has happened is that my neurologist has taken me off Xanax and put me on Klonopin, despite my fervent protests. I did NOT want to take another zombie drug, but he didn't give me a choice (that was a very weird appointment, by the way, he's never acted dismissive to me before, but I'm in such a state, I couldn't react back, so I ended up with a prescription I didn't want). Needless to say, I'm about 75% zombified now and, although I hate it, I hate it in such a way that there is a tiny little me inside sreaming her lungs out and, I can hear her, I just don't respond. I just trudge through my day, letting everything roll off my back.
My Sister keeps telling me this should make my life better and it's how things "should be" because I shouldn't show all my emotions and I should hold back, but it's not how I function. I still have that inner me screaming like a banshee and every fiber of my being knows that letting a lot of the events around me go isn't healthy for me...it might work for her, but it's not me. The "powers that be" that like to mistreat me, seemed to have picked up on this new-found complacency of mine, and are interpreting it as weakness and, oh my, have the vultures come out in full swing! But the nastier they get, the more I just shrug it off (which isn't making them happy, so they just keep trying harder to get under my skin, to no avail). Although, I am afraid that when I'm off this med, that little inner me will finally get to say her peace when she's let out (and NOT in a peaceful way)...she's holding in a LOT of aggression!
On top of that, I just want to sleep all the time, but I have trouble sleeping in general...except on Saturdays. I sleep through Saturdays almost completely.
My therapist has set me up an appointment with one of their shrinks (just the path I wanted to go down again) to fix this med situation (which will probably lead me down a worse med situation). My therapist doesn't want me to wean off these meds myself (although I've done it dozens of times with numerous other meds), but my frame of mind is so messed up right now, I'm just like, "ok, whatever" and I keep taking them, all the while that percentage level of zombification getting higher. If it wasn't for my skin constantly crawling, I would think I was actually dead because I'm literally getting to the point where I feel absolutely nothing.
My shrink appointment isn't until the end of the month, so what little effort I muster to do things, is my little inner screamer, forcing past the zombie to get things done. She's getting quieter though and harder to hear, so you guys might not hear much from me for a while, but don't worry, I'll be back again at some point. I always am!