TTT-The Child-like Struggle of Being Me

As promised, another Trauma Therapy Tidbit (yeah you!). So here is something that has been building, but came to a head this past week...since I have the emotional capacity of a 12-year old (so sayeth the Psychiatry books) because I'm on the Autistic scale, is it OK for other adults (aka my bosses) to treat me like a child on a constant basis and not professionally (as they do everyone else)? And it's blatant, I'm talking full-on scolding, like you would a petulant child. I WAS a horribly petulant child, so I recognize the behavior (but I was also undiagnosed with numerous mental disabilities and a LOT of external factors that made things worse, so I think I should get a pass or two).

It's a behavior I've always noticed, and bitched about it quite frequently (often being told I'm imagining it), but this time, someone else saw it too. An event happened where, I did as instructed (instructed being the keyword here, I was helping out another employee so she could go home early) and had stuff couriered over to one of our doctors, but the doc did not do as expected and showed up early and started berating me as he would one of his children for his stuff not being here. I visibly flinched as if I was expecting a slap (it was almost a childhood regression moment, and I was expecting the slap that would usually follow a verbal beratement). He immediately got this strange expression on his face, his tone changed to something softer (but still angry), he said his peace and walked off. For the first time ever though, someone else noticed it too and immediately came to ask me about it. I was sitting in my office shaking violently. As "normal" people often do, she reached out to me to, I guess, comfort me, and I immediately recoiled and scared her off. Great, yet another person thinks I'm a weirdo (honestly, she already knew, but I could hear her when she went off and started talking to others afterwards...it's always the gossip that gets me in the end). These are behaviors I USED to be able to hide before 2017 to AVOID gossip. I could have laughed it off to her, she would have went away, and I could have had my freak out moment when she was gone. Not anymore.

I dwelt on it all weekend. This particular doctor is the worst about it and has done this many times (sometimes much worse), but for some reason, this particular event struck me differently. Maybe it's my current mindset. Needless to say, I had another panic attack-filled Monday morning because I did NOT want to come to work (although I did...have to keep a roof over my head, so I had not choice). It's not just a doctor thing, there are others in "power" who do it, some more than others, one in particular who has gotten worse about it, especially recently. I've been avoiding her like the plaque because it's easier (although it makes my job harder). Then there was the imaginary paranoia that everyone was making fun of me for being belittled like a child (yes, I'm aware it's imaginary, but it doesn't diminish the fear of said paranoia).

As a side note (and this is important because it plays into the story), on Sunday, I watched that "newish" Hardy Boys show on Hulu. I've told the story MANY times of how when I was 10 my parents took away all my toys because I was an "adult". I had a LOT of Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books (before Simon LeBon, Shaun Cassidy was my first love). They didn't give those books to my Sister (she was only 3 at the time, but she also wasn't a reader until she hit her teens, I was reading Stoker and Shelley while other kids were reading Judy Blume, so I started REALLY early). Knowing my mother, she probably just threw them away.

Anyhoo, watching that show made me want those books again. They are expensive, but you can buy them in box sets of 10, so I figured I'd start with the Hardy Boys and just get a set a payday until I have them all. I don't know where I'll put them (there are a LOT of both sets), but I'll figure that out later. I want them. I looked into older sets on eBay, but I decided I didn't want a set just like I had...I didn't want reminders of the older times, I wanted new memories (which I know is a bit contradictory, considering I am literally replacing my childhood books, but I'm sure you guys get the gist, right?).

Fast-forward to this week's therapy session. Again, she started in the toxicity of my work environment, but, and here's where I got a bit confused and need your help, she made the statement that "if you don't want to be treated like a child, then why do you insist on living like one?". I did tell her the 10-year old story, she's aware of my condition, I don't behave like a 12-year old at work (most of the time), I don't understand her question. Yes, I buy a LOT of toys (most people would consider them collectibles and an investment, potato, potato?...pronounce accordingly, probably not the best analogy for the written word, but you get it) and yes I find comfort in a lot of things that children do. I'm just emotionally stuck at the 12-year old level, not mentally, I am capable of advanced mental processing, even if it doesn't always come out my mouth properly. I have been a functioning working adult for over 34 years. Then again, because I don't understand her statement, maybe I'm not as mentally capable as I think?

I don't think I'm capable of standing up and saying "you can't speak to me like that", because I obviously tend to react uncontrollably just as I did as a child. I'm expecting the slap or the paddle to come out (and I'm not saying that's wrong or right for however you discipline your child, it was how I was disciplined and it's all I remember). I think that's why things feel so hopeless right now. I can't change my current situation because I'm not built for it, but I also don't have the capacity to change it because I'm not able to interact enough socially to go out and get another job. I'm stuck. And, of course, when I ask the therapist "what do I do?", she just asks the question back at me, "what do YOU do?". This is why I keep saying therapy is wearing me out!

So, what do you guys think? Obviously, I'm blaming myself for creating this situation (I've made myself too dependable, or maybe I come across too childlike, or maybe it's because I've been here since birth, even though the doctor mentioned above is literally one year older than me, but still). Should I blame myself? Does this happen in your work environment? I know some of you have children or grandchildren or nieces and nephews with Autism, but do you know any Autistic adults who have these types of issues at work? Let me know your thoughts. Hell, just tell me I'm not crazy and it's not OK to treat an adult like a child and scold them, I'll even take that!