Guess it's not shocking that I've got a migraine building (yep Joysze, I might get to call in sick afterall), so I've gotta type quick, this screen is killing me. I was given an out clause on my Christmas responsibilities and I didn't take it, but now I'm thinking I might have to. I'm still not sure why I didn't take it.
Thanks to everyone for your kind comments about my situation. Honestly, it really is nice to be able to spurt out my problems (to someone other than a therapist) and actually have someone listen. In the real (not cyber) world, I don't speak much except to people I really know and tell even fewer these stories, so thanks again for letting me vent.
I talk a lot about guilt, but technically, I don't actually feel guilt, it's the perception of guilt I feel. It's one of my learned traits...I know I'm supposed to feel guilty and therefore I generate a bad feeling in response to the perception of the supposed emotion, but Asperger's keeps me from feeling the actual emotion. I basically just make myself sick because I think I'm supposed to. I know it's a percepted feeling, because all my percepted feelings feel the exact same way...guilt, empathy, loss, sympathy, compassion, even sometimes love, I can't tell one sick feeling from another. I'm always terrified someone is gonna ask me how I actually feel and I'm gonna give the wrong answer and I'm gonna get found out that I'm faking it (even though I'm feeling something, it's just self-generated). It's not a total lack of emotion, because trust me, I do feel emotion over things I'm obsessed over or passionate about, almost at a painful level, but it's a lack of what I call "normal human emotions". Mine are just super-heightened on things they probably (OK, definitely) shouldn't be super-heightened on.
It's almost a very selfish condition, you don't feel for others, only yourself and things that concern you. I have been accused of being selfish my entire life and, to tell the truth, I can't deny it, I am, but my nature, not like normal selfish people which are usually by creation. I can't help it though and I try really hard not to be, it's a constant struggle. It's what my family would probably say is the reason why I don't want to participate in Christmas (well, most of my family, I will say I think my Sister does understand). HA! Think of it that way...I have a medical condition that makes me selfish! Wow! Gotta use that!!
But anyhoo, now that I've started having migraines, the sickened feeling I generate over the supposed emotions, manifests themselves into headaches, instead of how they used to be, just normal sickened feelings. Yea me.
So, to make a long story short (too late as usual), there may not be a Christmas blog tomorrow because I may be in bed drugged up like a crack addict! Or then again, it may be a daily blitz of blog posts every couple of minutes! We'll just have to wait and see!
But as a parting note for all those that actually enjoy Christmas (God love ya!), here's a little Christmas tidbit from my second favorite little man (next to my Zachary) singing a Christmas classic and going through what Christmas is like for me...getting shocked with a cattle prod! HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!
Thanks to everyone for your kind comments about my situation. Honestly, it really is nice to be able to spurt out my problems (to someone other than a therapist) and actually have someone listen. In the real (not cyber) world, I don't speak much except to people I really know and tell even fewer these stories, so thanks again for letting me vent.
I talk a lot about guilt, but technically, I don't actually feel guilt, it's the perception of guilt I feel. It's one of my learned traits...I know I'm supposed to feel guilty and therefore I generate a bad feeling in response to the perception of the supposed emotion, but Asperger's keeps me from feeling the actual emotion. I basically just make myself sick because I think I'm supposed to. I know it's a percepted feeling, because all my percepted feelings feel the exact same way...guilt, empathy, loss, sympathy, compassion, even sometimes love, I can't tell one sick feeling from another. I'm always terrified someone is gonna ask me how I actually feel and I'm gonna give the wrong answer and I'm gonna get found out that I'm faking it (even though I'm feeling something, it's just self-generated). It's not a total lack of emotion, because trust me, I do feel emotion over things I'm obsessed over or passionate about, almost at a painful level, but it's a lack of what I call "normal human emotions". Mine are just super-heightened on things they probably (OK, definitely) shouldn't be super-heightened on.
It's almost a very selfish condition, you don't feel for others, only yourself and things that concern you. I have been accused of being selfish my entire life and, to tell the truth, I can't deny it, I am, but my nature, not like normal selfish people which are usually by creation. I can't help it though and I try really hard not to be, it's a constant struggle. It's what my family would probably say is the reason why I don't want to participate in Christmas (well, most of my family, I will say I think my Sister does understand). HA! Think of it that way...I have a medical condition that makes me selfish! Wow! Gotta use that!!
But anyhoo, now that I've started having migraines, the sickened feeling I generate over the supposed emotions, manifests themselves into headaches, instead of how they used to be, just normal sickened feelings. Yea me.
So, to make a long story short (too late as usual), there may not be a Christmas blog tomorrow because I may be in bed drugged up like a crack addict! Or then again, it may be a daily blitz of blog posts every couple of minutes! We'll just have to wait and see!
But as a parting note for all those that actually enjoy Christmas (God love ya!), here's a little Christmas tidbit from my second favorite little man (next to my Zachary) singing a Christmas classic and going through what Christmas is like for me...getting shocked with a cattle prod! HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!
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