Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas, Headaches, and Out Clauses

Guess it's not shocking that I've got a migraine building (yep Joysze, I might get to call in sick afterall), so I've gotta type quick, this screen is killing me. I was given an out clause on my Christmas responsibilities and I didn't take it, but now I'm thinking I might have to. I'm still not sure why I didn't take it.

Thanks to everyone for your kind comments about my situation. Honestly, it really is nice to be able to spurt out my problems (to someone other than a therapist) and actually have someone listen. In the real (not cyber) world, I don't speak much except to people I really know and tell even fewer these stories, so thanks again for letting me vent.

I talk a lot about guilt, but technically, I don't actually feel guilt, it's the perception of guilt I feel. It's one of my learned traits...I know I'm supposed to feel guilty and therefore I generate a bad feeling in response to the perception of the supposed emotion, but Asperger's keeps me from feeling the actual emotion. I basically just make myself sick because I think I'm supposed to. I know it's a percepted feeling, because all my percepted feelings feel the exact same way...guilt, empathy, loss, sympathy, compassion, even sometimes love, I can't tell one sick feeling from another. I'm always terrified someone is gonna ask me how I actually feel and I'm gonna give the wrong answer and I'm gonna get found out that I'm faking it (even though I'm feeling something, it's just self-generated). It's not a total lack of emotion, because trust me, I do feel emotion over things I'm obsessed over or passionate about, almost at a painful level, but it's a lack of what I call "normal human emotions". Mine are just super-heightened on things they probably (OK, definitely) shouldn't be super-heightened on.

It's almost a very selfish condition, you don't feel for others, only yourself and things that concern you. I have been accused of being selfish my entire life and, to tell the truth, I can't deny it, I am, but my nature, not like normal selfish people which are usually by creation. I can't help it though and I try really hard not to be, it's a constant struggle. It's what my family would probably say is the reason why I don't want to participate in Christmas (well, most of my family, I will say I think my Sister does understand). HA! Think of it that way...I have a medical condition that makes me selfish! Wow! Gotta use that!!

But anyhoo, now that I've started having migraines, the sickened feeling I generate over the supposed emotions, manifests themselves into headaches, instead of how they used to be, just normal sickened feelings. Yea me.

So, to make a long story short (too late as usual), there may not be a Christmas blog tomorrow because I may be in bed drugged up like a crack addict! Or then again, it may be a daily blitz of blog posts every couple of minutes! We'll just have to wait and see!

But as a parting note for all those that actually enjoy Christmas (God love ya!), here's a little Christmas tidbit from my second favorite little man (next to my Zachary) singing a Christmas classic and going through what Christmas is like for me...getting shocked with a cattle prod! HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

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