Will the chicken win out?
I've been trying every OCD trick to stay distracted. My Twilight obsession has now progressed on to Fifty Shades of Grey...a series I swore I'd NEVER touch with a ten foot pole, strictly on it's fan fiction-status alone. And yet, I'm still watching the seconds, minutes, hours, days fly by faster and faster to Monday, my first day back in college in 15 years and they are getting worse and worse with each passing moment.
I've spent the entire day reading every single Twilight book and then every single Fifty book (my reading skills are getting speedier...at least one positive outcome from all this), I've watched the Fifty movies, and now, at 10:30 pm, I'm on New Moon. Yeah, I got up REALLY early this morning (more on that in a moment) and yet, even with my eyes darting from TV to book to clock, Saturday has lasted all of 5 minutes. I can imagine Sunday will take all of one, but I also figure there will be no stop between the two days...even if I take my meds that would typically knock out a horse.
I'm not sure if I can do this whole college thing now. After all the struggles of getting back in school in the first place...the financial costs, the fighting re-taking the ACT's, the re-getting boosters I've already had, the endless meetings with counselors I didn't want to go through, yada, yada, yada, I'm starting to waver.
Don't even get me started on the hell I'm still going through on a weekly basis at work, which reached its highest crescendo Friday when I got blindsided with the news that even people who have no stake in my current, or future, position with the company are "concerned" about how school will affect my work and think "measures" should be taken and have been discussing said "measures" with senior management. Seriously people, mind your own damned business already!
Needless to say, I went to bed very late on Friday (or some might say Saturday morning) and woke up very early this morning (or some might say an hour or so later) unable to continue sleeping, hence my current predicament.
But still, as I sit here typing, my anger still not in check from Friday, my head aching from sleep depravity, my fear keeping me from doing online things that NEED to be done before Monday for school, I'm starting to wonder what would happen if I decided to NOT go back to school after all? What if I decided NOT to show up Monday or Wednesday or Friday or log in to the website again, ever (except maybe to send the loan money back)?
Am I really THAT chicken? I have been saying all this time I didn't know why I was doing this, especially since my "hospital stay" affected me so negatively in every other aspect of life...why did I push SO hard for this school mess? It didn't make sense. Maybe it was just a "project" to distract me and now the "project" is done, I don't need to actually go through with it? Is that possible?
Could I give work the satisfaction of knowing, "hey, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere and you can keep taking advantage of me as an employee all you want!"? Do I really want to live in this trailer for the rest of my life, never leaving this small town that I hate so much because I'll never make enough money to get out? Can I really continue on working for peanuts in a highly-paid job field simply because I don't have a degree? Right now, I'd say yes to every single one of those points just to be able to stay home on Monday. How sad is that?
When the time comes, when the alarm goes off Monday morning (if I manage any sleep between now and then), will I be able to open the front door at all? And even if I do actually make it out the door, into the car, and the five minutes to campus, somehow make it out of the car again, walk to class, walk in class and make it through class...who's to say I won't make it worse in my head than it actually was and never go back?
Every day will be a struggle and I've known that this entire time (obviously, because it's why I started with disability services in the first place), but I haven't dealt with that fact until now and I'm obviously not ready to deal with it now either because Edward is leaving Bella now and I have to get back to the movie (and I'll think I'll see if I can read the Fifty books while I watch the Twilight movies...double OCD whammy).
I've spent the entire day reading every single Twilight book and then every single Fifty book (my reading skills are getting speedier...at least one positive outcome from all this), I've watched the Fifty movies, and now, at 10:30 pm, I'm on New Moon. Yeah, I got up REALLY early this morning (more on that in a moment) and yet, even with my eyes darting from TV to book to clock, Saturday has lasted all of 5 minutes. I can imagine Sunday will take all of one, but I also figure there will be no stop between the two days...even if I take my meds that would typically knock out a horse.
I'm not sure if I can do this whole college thing now. After all the struggles of getting back in school in the first place...the financial costs, the fighting re-taking the ACT's, the re-getting boosters I've already had, the endless meetings with counselors I didn't want to go through, yada, yada, yada, I'm starting to waver.
Don't even get me started on the hell I'm still going through on a weekly basis at work, which reached its highest crescendo Friday when I got blindsided with the news that even people who have no stake in my current, or future, position with the company are "concerned" about how school will affect my work and think "measures" should be taken and have been discussing said "measures" with senior management. Seriously people, mind your own damned business already!
Needless to say, I went to bed very late on Friday (or some might say Saturday morning) and woke up very early this morning (or some might say an hour or so later) unable to continue sleeping, hence my current predicament.
But still, as I sit here typing, my anger still not in check from Friday, my head aching from sleep depravity, my fear keeping me from doing online things that NEED to be done before Monday for school, I'm starting to wonder what would happen if I decided to NOT go back to school after all? What if I decided NOT to show up Monday or Wednesday or Friday or log in to the website again, ever (except maybe to send the loan money back)?
Am I really THAT chicken? I have been saying all this time I didn't know why I was doing this, especially since my "hospital stay" affected me so negatively in every other aspect of life...why did I push SO hard for this school mess? It didn't make sense. Maybe it was just a "project" to distract me and now the "project" is done, I don't need to actually go through with it? Is that possible?
Could I give work the satisfaction of knowing, "hey, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere and you can keep taking advantage of me as an employee all you want!"? Do I really want to live in this trailer for the rest of my life, never leaving this small town that I hate so much because I'll never make enough money to get out? Can I really continue on working for peanuts in a highly-paid job field simply because I don't have a degree? Right now, I'd say yes to every single one of those points just to be able to stay home on Monday. How sad is that?
When the time comes, when the alarm goes off Monday morning (if I manage any sleep between now and then), will I be able to open the front door at all? And even if I do actually make it out the door, into the car, and the five minutes to campus, somehow make it out of the car again, walk to class, walk in class and make it through class...who's to say I won't make it worse in my head than it actually was and never go back?
Every day will be a struggle and I've known that this entire time (obviously, because it's why I started with disability services in the first place), but I haven't dealt with that fact until now and I'm obviously not ready to deal with it now either because Edward is leaving Bella now and I have to get back to the movie (and I'll think I'll see if I can read the Fifty books while I watch the Twilight movies...double OCD whammy).
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Linda