The OCD A-Ha Moment
I finished off my first school week (and supposed work vacation) with mixed emotions and spent most of today sleeping off two Imitrex shots for my new routine "end of week" migraine.
Friday, during another social call to my English Professor (she really is extraordinary), I let slip about my little "hospital visit" and how school came out of that. I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but she is very easy to talk to. It did leave last October a bit too fresh on my brain by Friday night though. There is a reason why "everything happens for a reason" is one of my mantras.
In the middle of reading the second Fifty book while watching Eclipse on Friday night (I'm getting a bit too good at simultaneous movie-watching and book-reading), a startling realization hit me like the proverbial clacker against a gigantic brass plate.
For those who haven't read the Fifty books (I'll try not to get too spoiler-y, but this wasn't in the movies), Christian sees a shrink on a regular basis (I know, the irony, right?). Ana tells Christian she won't agree to his marriage proposal until she gets to talk to the shrink about Christian first. She has already given him the box with the keychain by this point, so it's moot, but she just needs some reassurances. Dr. Flynn tells Ana she's the reason why Christian no longer needs to dominate, because he's found his future and could stop dwelling on his past, even if Christian's still having trouble accepting that fact (there is this whole discussion about the proper therapy name for it, but it's unimportant). The good doc tells her to hang in there and keep doing what she was doing to keep Christian on the right path to "fixing" him (even though technically he isn't broken, which is what the shrink has been trying to tell him all along). It left her pretty confused, but then the whole helicopter thing happened and well, I didn't pay too close attention to the shrink stuff in the books to be honest (wonder why?).
Since Fifty is nothing but Twilight fan fiction, it didn't take me long to see the similarities with Edward only a LOT more vanilla (pardon the pun). Once Edward realized Bella wasn't dead in New Moon, he was willing to do whatever it took to keep her in his life, even if it meant he had to change how he viewed himself, the martyred demon. He also stopped seeing Bella as an innocent whose soul he was condemning to hell, but rather a partner first, the mother of his child second, and then, finally, his equal. By the end, his new-found purpose became to protect his family at all costs...his past long forgotten along with his demons.
It took me a while to catch on where I was heading myself, so I went back to Christian looking for more similarities with Edward. I tend to relate to Christian more given I'm also "fifty shades of fucked up" (although, ironically, not really that much differently, except for the BDSM part), so it made more sense that he would be the a-ha guy for me.
I have spent my ENTIRE life trying to deal with my past, dwelling on events that I had no control over. I've been trying in vain to forget, or fix, or change, or make right, or abuse, or cover up with medication, or blaa, blaa, blaa. I had a routine down, a pattern of blame were I directed anger at others (like Christian), or myself (like Edward), but three days locked in the psych ward and I'm registering for classes? No wonder I've been "what the f"ing! for months!
GGGGOOONNNNGGGG! Yep, when it finally dawned on me (again, pardon the pun), it was like someone had hit me on the side of the head with that clacker, and my head was the brass plate! My little hospital visit really was the reason why I decided to go back to school...not to torture myself or to have a "pet project" for the summer, or just to avoid my issues altogether, but to FINALLY stop dwelling on my past and focus on my future!
Given the choice though, and I feel it needs to be said, I would take Edward Cullen or Christian Grey over an education any day, but that, apparently, is not my destiny (Robert Pattinson or Jamie Dornan would also do, but again...fate hates me).
Even though I still struggle with the most basic of tasks like getting groceries, I'm able to deal with all manner of unseemly social situations on campus (although not all of them have been bad obviously) because I now understand that dwelling on the past won't make it go away and my beige/blue room of pain, via Hotel California, was my wake up call.
College is the way forward to a new life, hopefully one in a different city and state, in a better house, and maybe even, with a not-so fictional hero of my own (although I'm sure fate will have something to say about that part). I gotta go through a little pain of my own to get to the pleasure part. The dawn has broken my friends (pun intended)!
Wow, yeah, I know, I'm still in shock myself! Now I understand the pull toward these particular series, why Twilight wasn't enough (and why I just HAD to go Fifty...I needed to go "darker"). I was more worried about my stupid OCD and the subject matter to pay attention to what subconscious was screaming her angry little head off about. Now, if I could just find out where my inner goddess is hiding and and bring her out, I'd really be a new woman (god, now I'm speaking in "Ana-isms"!).
Can I stop the OCD cycle now? No, don't think so, not yet at least. I wish I could. But I don't think my OCD is done with me quite yet and, like Christian, I may have grasp the realization of my modifying situation, but I'm still afraid it could all be taken away at any moment.
Maybe, like Ana, I need a bit of "kinky fuckery" in my life to distract me for now, Then, like Bella, I can proudly claim, "I've decided on my life and I wanna start living it", only after I find a heaping dose of vampire-strengthened courage!
Oh well, time to do homework now. Just thought I'd share. Yeah, who am I kidding? I've got books to read and movies to watch! Homework can wait until tomorrow. At least I did find it hard not to write this post in the MLA format that my English Prof desires us to write in, so my head is must be shifting somewhat, right?
Friday, during another social call to my English Professor (she really is extraordinary), I let slip about my little "hospital visit" and how school came out of that. I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but she is very easy to talk to. It did leave last October a bit too fresh on my brain by Friday night though. There is a reason why "everything happens for a reason" is one of my mantras.
In the middle of reading the second Fifty book while watching Eclipse on Friday night (I'm getting a bit too good at simultaneous movie-watching and book-reading), a startling realization hit me like the proverbial clacker against a gigantic brass plate.
For those who haven't read the Fifty books (I'll try not to get too spoiler-y, but this wasn't in the movies), Christian sees a shrink on a regular basis (I know, the irony, right?). Ana tells Christian she won't agree to his marriage proposal until she gets to talk to the shrink about Christian first. She has already given him the box with the keychain by this point, so it's moot, but she just needs some reassurances. Dr. Flynn tells Ana she's the reason why Christian no longer needs to dominate, because he's found his future and could stop dwelling on his past, even if Christian's still having trouble accepting that fact (there is this whole discussion about the proper therapy name for it, but it's unimportant). The good doc tells her to hang in there and keep doing what she was doing to keep Christian on the right path to "fixing" him (even though technically he isn't broken, which is what the shrink has been trying to tell him all along). It left her pretty confused, but then the whole helicopter thing happened and well, I didn't pay too close attention to the shrink stuff in the books to be honest (wonder why?).
Since Fifty is nothing but Twilight fan fiction, it didn't take me long to see the similarities with Edward only a LOT more vanilla (pardon the pun). Once Edward realized Bella wasn't dead in New Moon, he was willing to do whatever it took to keep her in his life, even if it meant he had to change how he viewed himself, the martyred demon. He also stopped seeing Bella as an innocent whose soul he was condemning to hell, but rather a partner first, the mother of his child second, and then, finally, his equal. By the end, his new-found purpose became to protect his family at all costs...his past long forgotten along with his demons.
It took me a while to catch on where I was heading myself, so I went back to Christian looking for more similarities with Edward. I tend to relate to Christian more given I'm also "fifty shades of fucked up" (although, ironically, not really that much differently, except for the BDSM part), so it made more sense that he would be the a-ha guy for me.
I have spent my ENTIRE life trying to deal with my past, dwelling on events that I had no control over. I've been trying in vain to forget, or fix, or change, or make right, or abuse, or cover up with medication, or blaa, blaa, blaa. I had a routine down, a pattern of blame were I directed anger at others (like Christian), or myself (like Edward), but three days locked in the psych ward and I'm registering for classes? No wonder I've been "what the f"ing! for months!
GGGGOOONNNNGGGG! Yep, when it finally dawned on me (again, pardon the pun), it was like someone had hit me on the side of the head with that clacker, and my head was the brass plate! My little hospital visit really was the reason why I decided to go back to school...not to torture myself or to have a "pet project" for the summer, or just to avoid my issues altogether, but to FINALLY stop dwelling on my past and focus on my future!
Given the choice though, and I feel it needs to be said, I would take Edward Cullen or Christian Grey over an education any day, but that, apparently, is not my destiny (Robert Pattinson or Jamie Dornan would also do, but again...fate hates me).
Even though I still struggle with the most basic of tasks like getting groceries, I'm able to deal with all manner of unseemly social situations on campus (although not all of them have been bad obviously) because I now understand that dwelling on the past won't make it go away and my beige/blue room of pain, via Hotel California, was my wake up call.
College is the way forward to a new life, hopefully one in a different city and state, in a better house, and maybe even, with a not-so fictional hero of my own (although I'm sure fate will have something to say about that part). I gotta go through a little pain of my own to get to the pleasure part. The dawn has broken my friends (pun intended)!
Wow, yeah, I know, I'm still in shock myself! Now I understand the pull toward these particular series, why Twilight wasn't enough (and why I just HAD to go Fifty...I needed to go "darker"). I was more worried about my stupid OCD and the subject matter to pay attention to what subconscious was screaming her angry little head off about. Now, if I could just find out where my inner goddess is hiding and and bring her out, I'd really be a new woman (god, now I'm speaking in "Ana-isms"!).
Can I stop the OCD cycle now? No, don't think so, not yet at least. I wish I could. But I don't think my OCD is done with me quite yet and, like Christian, I may have grasp the realization of my modifying situation, but I'm still afraid it could all be taken away at any moment.
Maybe, like Ana, I need a bit of "kinky fuckery" in my life to distract me for now, Then, like Bella, I can proudly claim, "I've decided on my life and I wanna start living it", only after I find a heaping dose of vampire-strengthened courage!
Oh well, time to do homework now. Just thought I'd share. Yeah, who am I kidding? I've got books to read and movies to watch! Homework can wait until tomorrow. At least I did find it hard not to write this post in the MLA format that my English Prof desires us to write in, so my head is must be shifting somewhat, right?
Comments
Linda
I am also pleased something good is coming out of Fifty Shades other than repopulating an entire Bay of Smut look-a-like books hastily published or republished to cash in on the phenomonen when it came out!
True story - a long ago ex-boyfriend came into the shop to buy the 50 Shades for his wife. My colleague served him and he didn't notice me. He said to my colleague "I don't know what all the fuss is about. I'd rather watch football". As he left the shop I whispered to my colleague "Can you guess why he's an ex?" LOL
I am truly happy for you that after all the pain, you found something positive to go on, even from a horrible situation as that psych ward surely was. Go you!