Fate has a horrible way of showing you the "why" of life
An ex-coworker and friend lost her husband very suddenly a couple of weeks ago. He was 42, younger than I am. She has the same issues my sister does, manic depressive disorder (although her's is a LOT worse than my sister's). She relied on her husband for, not just financial support, but complete and total emotional support. That is gone for her now and she's utterly broken. She has no idea how to function on her own. I can't even imagine that kind of feeling because I only know how to function alone.
As someone built without sympathy or empathy, it's hard for me to be supportive, because frankly, I don't know how to help her. The kind of help and support she needs, I'm not able to give and that's what makes me sad for her. I feel bad because I can't help her. I do that a lot when people die. I feel sad because I can't feel sad. Plus, I can't understand what she's lost because I can't even fathom relying so heavily on another person to support me 100% (for that matter, even 1%). But her husband was a very good man and none of them deserved this, so I do understand that.
When I was 10, I cried like a baby at my Papa's funeral because I couldn't cry like everyone else. Even then I knew I was "off" and it scared me, so I cried (and looked "normal", so I guess it worked, but I felt like a fraud because everyone thought I was so distraught). He was my favorite Grandfather (my Father's dad), but I didn't comprehend why everyone was so upset because death is a natural fact of life, even at 10 knew that. I was gonna miss him, but I just didn't feel remorse like everyone else. He too was an amazing man, but he was old, he was a heavy smoker who got lung cancer and, his is passing wasn't sudden, so it wasn't like anyone was surprised or unprepared (again, another thing I couldn't understand when it came to the amount of some people's grief level).
Granted, he is also the reason why I don't go to funerals now, because, at the visitation, my Nannie (my Father's mother) decided that I needed to "kiss him goodbye" and picked me up and tried to make me kiss him in his coffin...yes, you read that right...IN HIS COFFIN! I will NEVER forget that waxy face and that formaldehyde/flesh smell (which, ironically I deal with every day at work, but in a different form). Thankfully, I was still fat then too, she was small, and couldn't hold me (someone intervened too, I don't remember who, but my screaming bloody murder was disrupting everyone, so there is no telling who it could have been), so I didn't actually get close enough to actually touch him, but I got close enough to scar me for life. THAT is the only memory I have of him now, thanks to her, all the others have faded, but I digress.
As often as I want a man in my life, I could never let myself depend or trust someone with my life so completely. I'm just not built that way. Because of certain events in my life, I've learned I can't depend on other people long-term and I have to take care of myself. There is a reason why I don't have someone, because it isn't fair to another person to not have my full and complete attention. I can't have that "Mr. Wonderful" like my friend did and my sister does, because technically, I just don't need him. Fate tends to deal me my big needs when they arise, but never my big wants. I tend to supply myself with the little needs and wants on my own. I've always been very resourceful in that way. A "Mr. Wonderful" is a want for me, not a need.
When I was married before, it was all about him...he was the one with the extreme issues and I was the support system, which was fine...for like two years and then I couldn't handle it anymore and that was that. It was a project for me like any other project in my life, love had nothing to do with it (I realize that now, hindsight and all that). Once I bored with it, I was done. It was not a good thing for him, but that's just the Asper way (which I didn't know at the time). It's also probably why I had to deal with stalker issues from him for many years afterwards (and I'm still not sure, upon occasion, I'm not still dealing with them today), but I guess that was fate's way of punishing me for trying to buck her system.
Sometimes I still have moments because I see happy couples and I still want that...it's my inner teenage Asper still wanting to be a "normal" neurotypical...damn that social conditioning! But, I know deep down that I'm really not built to share my life with anyone because I can't trust someone enough, I can't depend on someone enough, I couldn't lean on someone when I wanted to, and I couldn't love someone in that "true love" kind of way. How does one even give oneself over to someone else so completely, or even at all? Is there a limit on how much emotion you should share with others? Granted, I know I'm at the far end of a spectrum (which isn't good, I get that), but from my end, I know I'll always be protected from the pain she's feeling now because she's on the complete opposite end of that same spectrum.
Unfortunately, because I'm on said spectrum, there is no "middle ground". It's an either/or kind of life for both me and my friend. She's destined to depend on someone and will eventually find another, I'm destined to depend on myself. I guess that should be a sad thing for me, but somehow it makes me feel better because of that stupid saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". Yeah, give me my loneliness any day than the excruciating pain that she's going through.
As someone built without sympathy or empathy, it's hard for me to be supportive, because frankly, I don't know how to help her. The kind of help and support she needs, I'm not able to give and that's what makes me sad for her. I feel bad because I can't help her. I do that a lot when people die. I feel sad because I can't feel sad. Plus, I can't understand what she's lost because I can't even fathom relying so heavily on another person to support me 100% (for that matter, even 1%). But her husband was a very good man and none of them deserved this, so I do understand that.
When I was 10, I cried like a baby at my Papa's funeral because I couldn't cry like everyone else. Even then I knew I was "off" and it scared me, so I cried (and looked "normal", so I guess it worked, but I felt like a fraud because everyone thought I was so distraught). He was my favorite Grandfather (my Father's dad), but I didn't comprehend why everyone was so upset because death is a natural fact of life, even at 10 knew that. I was gonna miss him, but I just didn't feel remorse like everyone else. He too was an amazing man, but he was old, he was a heavy smoker who got lung cancer and, his is passing wasn't sudden, so it wasn't like anyone was surprised or unprepared (again, another thing I couldn't understand when it came to the amount of some people's grief level).
Granted, he is also the reason why I don't go to funerals now, because, at the visitation, my Nannie (my Father's mother) decided that I needed to "kiss him goodbye" and picked me up and tried to make me kiss him in his coffin...yes, you read that right...IN HIS COFFIN! I will NEVER forget that waxy face and that formaldehyde/flesh smell (which, ironically I deal with every day at work, but in a different form). Thankfully, I was still fat then too, she was small, and couldn't hold me (someone intervened too, I don't remember who, but my screaming bloody murder was disrupting everyone, so there is no telling who it could have been), so I didn't actually get close enough to actually touch him, but I got close enough to scar me for life. THAT is the only memory I have of him now, thanks to her, all the others have faded, but I digress.
As often as I want a man in my life, I could never let myself depend or trust someone with my life so completely. I'm just not built that way. Because of certain events in my life, I've learned I can't depend on other people long-term and I have to take care of myself. There is a reason why I don't have someone, because it isn't fair to another person to not have my full and complete attention. I can't have that "Mr. Wonderful" like my friend did and my sister does, because technically, I just don't need him. Fate tends to deal me my big needs when they arise, but never my big wants. I tend to supply myself with the little needs and wants on my own. I've always been very resourceful in that way. A "Mr. Wonderful" is a want for me, not a need.
When I was married before, it was all about him...he was the one with the extreme issues and I was the support system, which was fine...for like two years and then I couldn't handle it anymore and that was that. It was a project for me like any other project in my life, love had nothing to do with it (I realize that now, hindsight and all that). Once I bored with it, I was done. It was not a good thing for him, but that's just the Asper way (which I didn't know at the time). It's also probably why I had to deal with stalker issues from him for many years afterwards (and I'm still not sure, upon occasion, I'm not still dealing with them today), but I guess that was fate's way of punishing me for trying to buck her system.
Sometimes I still have moments because I see happy couples and I still want that...it's my inner teenage Asper still wanting to be a "normal" neurotypical...damn that social conditioning! But, I know deep down that I'm really not built to share my life with anyone because I can't trust someone enough, I can't depend on someone enough, I couldn't lean on someone when I wanted to, and I couldn't love someone in that "true love" kind of way. How does one even give oneself over to someone else so completely, or even at all? Is there a limit on how much emotion you should share with others? Granted, I know I'm at the far end of a spectrum (which isn't good, I get that), but from my end, I know I'll always be protected from the pain she's feeling now because she's on the complete opposite end of that same spectrum.
Unfortunately, because I'm on said spectrum, there is no "middle ground". It's an either/or kind of life for both me and my friend. She's destined to depend on someone and will eventually find another, I'm destined to depend on myself. I guess that should be a sad thing for me, but somehow it makes me feel better because of that stupid saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". Yeah, give me my loneliness any day than the excruciating pain that she's going through.
Comments
Thank you for articulating how you feel too. I found it very interesting.
I would hate to be 100% reliant on one person, I like being married and we are a partnership. We rely on each other for different things. But at the back of my mind is the thought - I was on my own once, I could do it again if I had to.
But after my first divorce I would not have remarried for the sake of being with anyone rather than be alone!
Also I cannot believe your grandmother tried to make you kiss your dead grandfather. Who does that to a child?!
That being sad, I feel awfully sorry for her friend. To lose her sole emotional support at the time she'd need one most must be devastating, and I'm glad that while you don't see yourself as helping, at least she has still people who care about her.