Last night I went to Wal-Mart...a seemly normal task for most people, but a major hurtle for me. I can't go the two in my town, one is too dangerous, the other has a Subway restaurant owned by my Dad in it, so it's off limits (long story for another post - I know I keep saying that, but one day when I'm ready). I end up using to the Wal-Mart the next major town over, about 35 minutes away (if you drive the speed limit). I feel somewhat comfortable there and my old second job was in that town, so it's familiar. This is a stupid time to be going to Wal-Mart anyway, I know that, you know that, but it had to be done...the closer I wait till Christmas the worse it will be, I needed to get the money cards for everyone's Christmas cash and, since I'm on vacation next week (still hoping), I needed to have food in the house since there is none (and by none, I mean, NOTHING).
I thought I'd warm up by getting gas...no worries...my pump was empty and the entire station was pretty much empty so I had no trouble there, first hurtle completed! Off to the next town I go! It's a pretty pleasant drive (my car would probably disagree) and I made good time since it was about 11:00 pm and no one was on the roads (that's the thing about the South, early to bed, early to rise type people...I'm the opposite). Got there about 11:30 and only about 40 or so cars in the parking lot, which considering the time of year, I completely lucked out, but I stalled...couldn't get out the car! So I sat there, took a Xanax, watched a couple of videos on my phone, made a grocery list, tried some breathing exercises, worked really hard to not just turn back around and go back home, finally deciding that a second Xanax was needed...more videos, more breathing, then finally I managed to get out of the car. Once I got inside, I was OK, but it's just the initial step of opening that bloody door that gets me!
Unfortunately, they were waxing the cheese isle, so I've got to go to Kroger and get cheese (because my life without cheese is like a diabetic without insulin). So, I've been thinking all day, I have to go through it all again...building the dread up in my head. Thursday I'm getting my hair done...same deal. I usually get it done on a Saturday. She's amazing at accommodating me and scheduling me at such a time when no one else is around and I don't have to encounter others...but this will be a weekday...with a shop full of other stylists, and customers, and their families. If my roots weren't six miles long, I wouldn't do it.
It's been a while since I've been this way and I know it's the stress of dreading Christmas that's doing it. Any major thing I have to deal with causes this reaction. I usually solve it by not getting involved with major things, but some things can't be avoided and this is one of them. It's gonna be an interesting Christmas! Think my parents will let me spend it in their driveway?