Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Stitching so far and brutal thoughts on work

So, this is the progress for Monday night...
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And here is Tuesday!
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It's amazing how much difference graphing the actual aida has done! I used the pencil instead of the pen because the point was much finer and I could keep it sharp. I really wasn't expecting this much of a difference, but it really makes it easier to see, not only where I am, but where I'm going!

I'm still a bit too scared to try parking the stitches, and I'm not sure that on 18ct I even need to at least not till I get to the next project and move up (or down as the case may be) to 25ct (and trust me I'm terrified of it and hope at least somebody gets me my magnifying light for my B-day so I don't have to (on my Amazon wish list peeps), although since no one reads my blog but me, I guess I'm on my own with that HA! - but public consumption of my thoughts and work aren't the purpose here...I'm digressing again).

On a serious note, having three days off in a row really made me appreciate the fact that I do work way to much. The headache I had Friday night proved that. I don't EVER want to go through that again and I'll never dispute the fact that I do have migraines with my neurologist again. Friday was also the only time in my entire life I actually needed to call 911 and it scared the crap out of me (unfortunately I was catatonic and couldn't do it, which was probably a good thing...imagine the bill!).

The conversation I had with a certain boss on Thursday that caused said headache made me realize one thing...I'm like a very valuable hostage with no one to pay my ransom, so therefore I can be abused more because who's gonna care? There's no one around to see said abuse and stupid me has been letting it go on for far too long and even allowed it to happen. OMG! I have Stockholm Syndrome!! I have stupidly thought all these years that if I did all that was asked of me and even went above and beyond everyone else I'd be respected more, but, if anything, I'm probably respected the least. I have to find a way to make them see that I'm a valuable employee that deserves way more respect than I get. But lord if I know how! But then again, maybe I shouldn't even bother...I may have to lie in the grave I've dug...at least till I finish my education, and then walk away without a backward glance.

I'm regretting the decision to put school off till next fall, it puts me another year behind in my goal, but then again, it's made me realize that any thought to furthering my education with the added bonus of benefiting them is completely out of the question. Thursday was the kick in the pants I needed I guess. I must do what's best for me and what's always been best for me is to get the heck out of dodge. I've known that since I was 10 years old. Question is, what am I so scared of and why has it taken me until I'm in my 40's and borderline too friggin old to do anything about it? I'm the only person with the power to change my life...I just have to take that first step, and hopefully that first step is finishing my edu-ma-cation and finding a career that better suits me and my talents...I'm just wasting away in my current position and everyone knows it. I didn't used to care, but now that I do, it's eating away at me more and more each day. I have to have a roof over my head and food in my fat gullet (as well as Zachary's fat gullet), but at what cost? I know I'm comfortable with my surroundings, but does that make it worth it all? I don't even think my Social Anxiety Disordered/borderline Asperger's Syndromed brain cares anymore. It's time to bring on a little discomfort (in a manageable environment, of course, which I have 100% totally planned out and have complete control over!).

So, like the good little hostage that I am, I will continue to do what I'm told, take my beatings, and, every little chance I get, use my spoon to dig my get-away tunnel and hopefully in four years time, I will see the light of day!

1 comment:

Vickie said...

Stitching looks wonderful! Only you can decide when it is time to go back to school.