Top 5 List - What If?
First off, this one is probably going to be kind of negative too, but I might have some really good news by the end of the weekend, so bear with me on this one, because this was another one of those posts that I needed to get out. Maybe this will be the end of them after this weekend, who knows! But on with the show.
Obviously, I'm not going to my high school reunion, but more than once in my life I've played the "what if" game and most of the time, I tend to "what if I could go back to the summer before 9th grade". Why, especially since I hated school so much, would I want to go back to the time right before the worst of the torture started? Because I do believe, knowing what I know now, that's the time I could make the greatest change in my life. Obviously, I would need to remember key points, like when I got my dogs, but I do think everything else could use a rethink.
#5: My step-dad might have been right (and I'll NEVER say that again):
My step-dad was the only father I knew for a while until my Sister came along and then I no longer existed...I had no idea the importance of blood until I turned 7. It wasn't her fault, but I ended up taking it out on her for years (but that's another story). My step-dad became mentally abusive to me. He wasn't physically abusive, although I did get spankings (most of which I probably deserved because I was a horrible kid, although I did have my reasons for being so, just not all my actions were entirely justified...FYI, I'm not anti-spanking).
No one ever believed me when I said how he treated me, especially my mother (because he didn't do it in front of others - he was very careful that way). I can laugh about it now because my mother's been getting the full brunt of it 24/7 ever since I left...payback's a bitch, ain't it? Now he doesn't hide it and everyone sees it. My Sister calls him on it upon occasion and he will back off, but not for long. As a matter of fact, when my mother and I were still speaking and she complained about it, I would actually say, "payback's a bitch, suck it up!". Sometimes she admitted she should have listened, sometimes she would just hang her head. It's too late now and I'm not a fan of the word "sorry" because it is, after all, just a word, but at least she realizes she screwed up.
FYI, for those that don't know, family members that I care about get capital letters and one's I don't get little letters. It's a sign of respect (or lack thereof). My Dad doesn't deserve it, but I can't help it.
Anyway, I'm digressing here, my step-dad always told me I was fat, ugly, stupid and would never amount to anything (thanks to years of that, I agree with him, except for the stupid part, but I waver on that sometimes too). He always told me that if I didn't lose my weight by the time I started my periods, I would never lose it. I started my period a year and a half before they even knew (I was really good at keeping my business private and still am, except online apparently!), but that's beside the point and obviously that was way before 9th grade, but 9th grade is considered the beginning of high school (at least here in the South), so that's why I'm sticking with that time frame and I think I could have kept it off if I would have started then.
I could have swam every single day because we had a pool. Ridden my bike more (I couldn't have run because my knee was already screwed up by that point, thanks to said bike and a rather nasty fall...but that was way before you had to practically wear body armor before getting on a bike and I can't say that if I got on one today I would wear a single piece of it). I was young enough that I could have changed my body and kept from having sagging skin like I do when I lose weight now. Now it's too late. Damn him. Oh well, even monsters can be right once in a lifetime.
Now I get the occasional "well, he did still keep clothes on your back and a roof over your head and food in your stomach, so you shouldn't complain about how he treated you, especially since your own Father didn't do that". Well, yes, that technically IS true, he did keep me well-fed, dressed and sheltered. Any leftover wounds that linger from that time are my own fault because I let my step-dad remain in my head. But it is still the eternal broken record playing in my head...I'm worthless, but what little worth I might have, I owe to him for taking me in. Oh joy, how lucky can a girl get? I'm like the stray Scottish dog no one wanted, but had to go somewhere. I don't interact with him at all now, especially since me and my mother don't speak anymore, and I am perfectly fine living the rest of my days that way.
Knowing what I know now, I doubt weight loss would have changed the way I was treated, but it might have lessened it some. It might have made me more confident to stand up for myself. Or at least I'd like to think it would. But anyway, let's change the subject, shall we? I've dwelt on this one long enough.
#4: Study harder:
I was one of those kids that had to make certain grades or I got spankings (A's were expected, B's meant groundings, and C's meant bend over baby!). I never got C's, although I came close a lot in PE...thank goodness for written tests! But I was also one of those kids who never tried either. I was lucky that way. I really didn't have to study because the school work itself came easy to me. I didn't struggle, but I also didn't try. Wish I could still do that...it would definitely help this fall!
During our senior year, we had the choice of leaving at noon or staying and taking Physics, Calculus, and something else. I chose to leave at noon so I could come to work (at the same lab I'm at now FYI, just in a peon position back then). I should have stayed in class. I blew every dime of that money anyway, and not on anything important (or that I probably still have).
As an aside, I was forced to get a job the second I turned 16. My Sister, on the other hand, was discouraged from getting a job at all. She ended up getting one because she wanted to and worked there until she graduated college, but that was her choice, not because they made her.
I see now (or think I do), that it was my parent's attempt to get me out of the house and do something productive. They didn't make my Sister work because she was a lot smarter than me (I beg to differ, but that's the general consensus in my family) and she had a bright future ahead of her so they wanted her to focus more on school. If I would have shown that side of myself, then maybe they would have given me the same courtesy, but I can't say for sure. I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt, even though none of them deserve it. It's hard to try with that mantra on an endless loop, but again, that was and is my fault, not theirs.
Once I got to college, I did the same to avoid studying (and to make more money to blow). I moved out the second I graduated high school, so I did have bills to pay but, by that time, I had already established my wild spending pattern that still exists to this day. Maybe if I would have put my foot down and demanded that I not work but focus more on school, those wild spending sprees would have never had a chance to take root, who knows? Well, I did try to put my foot down and demand I not work, but I was forced to anyway. Wonder what I would have said then if someone would have told me I still would be working here all these years later? Ugh.
If I just would have stayed all day during my senior year and I would have tried harder (or just tried at all), I probably would have been top of the class and could have gotten into any school I wanted, which leads to the next number.
#3: Go far far far far away to school:
Now that I finally figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life (or I think I do with Astronomy), had I been a better student, I could have gotten a free ride at a good school far away, and gotten a good education. I could be working with some of my idols now and be their colleague instead of part of their fan club watching their work from afar. That's the thing that rubs me the wrong way the most. I had NO clue what direction I was heading in as a kid and starting school so early didn't help. Apparently, I needed 47 years to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.
Plus, if I would have gone away to school, I would have gotten away from my family sooner and been able to heal wounds that only festered as I got older because they were continually picked at. If I would have left, I would have never looked back. Maybe the occasional holiday, but maybe not even then. Despite my social disabilities, I'm still extremely independent and can go a lot of places (even if I can't get out of the car), but maybe leaving home at a young age could have helped with that issue too.
My parents paid for my school flat out. No loans or scholarships (but I also didn't apply for any...why bother? It was paid for). I was told from the get-go that, if I ever quit, that was it, they wouldn't pay another dime. I was forced to start college the first summer semester after high school. I wasn't ready, but I did it anyway. I was also forced to go every single semester, including summers, with no breaks. My mother was afraid that, if I took time off, I wouldn't go back. Granted, she was right, but only after two and a half straight years of college and I was starting to waver on my art degree (plus, I wanted to go live with my Dad, which I did, and that also sucked, but for completely different reasons...another story for another day).
If I would have been given summers off, I would have probably stayed. I might have changed majors 10 times and it might have taken me 10 years to graduate (which could have been funny because they would have had to pay for all of it), but I could have gotten there eventually.
They stayed true to that promise. No matter how sincere I was about going back in the years since, I never received another dime of help. But I'm good with that, especially now because it means that, when I finish this time (and I fully intend on finishing), it will be 100% ME! I will owe them nothing and they will not have a single dime invested in my success. That means more to me than the actual degree. All the struggles I've been through have taught me that I can only depend on myself.
My Sister wasn't given the same ultimatum and didn't suffer my fate. She has two degrees. Did my parents learn their lesson from their mistakes with me? I've often said I was the crash test dummy for my Sister. I suffered so she could have a good life. Part of me is joking, but part of me is serious. She was protected from everything I was exposed to. No that's not her fault, but yes, I am still bitter about that. Again, that's on me.
#2: Focus more on others:
Yeah, I can't believe I just said that either, but I think that if I would have been more social in school, maybe that would have helped me too. If I would have lost the weight, I obviously still couldn't have made fru-fru status, but I think I could have made sub-fru. I probably still would have stayed in the art room, but maybe joined more clubs than ones I was forced to, like art or honor society (I think I was in a couple more, but I can't remember them, so they must not have been important). I probably should have even been part of the governing body (yeah, can't believe I said that either) or part of the school paper or part of the annual committee (I'm starting to freak myself out here even talking about this). Those are things I would have been good at because of my artist ability and organizational skills, I would have just had to work on the people skills more.
Knowing what I know now, I probably still wouldn't have pursued my high school crush, even though with weight loss, I would have had a good chance with him. He still treated me horribly by only being my friend in secret, so he didn't deserve me. Besides, I saw how he treated his girlfriends, and it wasn't good. I'm not sure, because of my childhood trauma, I could have been emotionally ready to deal with a boyfriend anyway. My OCD would have kicked in and made him more important than anything else, and there goes my scholastic aspirations.
#1: Dealt with who I am better:
Obviously, Aspergers was a fairly new diagnosis in the 80's and, for girls especially, extremely rare, so it would have been hard to get the proper treatment. But any kind of treatment, be it for all my other issues dealing with my family, or being molested as a child, or just being me, could have made a difference in who I grew up to be, if caught early enough. But I say that with a grain of salt because I'm now in a really bad situation that was caused by so-called "help" from mental health professionals. It's a double-edged sword.
Plus, I came from a family that's motto was "hide all the bad stuff so everyone thinks we're perfect". No family is perfect and we were FAR from it, but had I not been forced to bottle up all that emotional hurt, maybe I would have relationships with all those people now and wouldn't hold such grudges. Even though I have squeezed them all out of my life, there is still a lot of resentment there and I hate myself sometimes for holding onto it. That's not their fault...that's all on me because no one can make you feel anything...you alone grant them power over you. I am well aware of that fact, and yet, I am the world's worst at falling into the trap every.single.time.
Oh well, unfortunately, as far as we know, although time travel is theoretically possible, we haven't discovered it yet, so I guess I'm screwed. Besides, I wouldn't just want to time travel, I would have to physically travel back too while keeping my current memories. It would do no good going back without the memories because I would end up in the same boat, making the same mistakes. But sometimes it's just nice to dream, if for no other reason that just to be able to let go of some of this residual anger and resentment.
Oh well, c'est la vie! Watch this space come Sunday night (hopefully...but no promises!).
Obviously, I'm not going to my high school reunion, but more than once in my life I've played the "what if" game and most of the time, I tend to "what if I could go back to the summer before 9th grade". Why, especially since I hated school so much, would I want to go back to the time right before the worst of the torture started? Because I do believe, knowing what I know now, that's the time I could make the greatest change in my life. Obviously, I would need to remember key points, like when I got my dogs, but I do think everything else could use a rethink.
#5: My step-dad might have been right (and I'll NEVER say that again):
My step-dad was the only father I knew for a while until my Sister came along and then I no longer existed...I had no idea the importance of blood until I turned 7. It wasn't her fault, but I ended up taking it out on her for years (but that's another story). My step-dad became mentally abusive to me. He wasn't physically abusive, although I did get spankings (most of which I probably deserved because I was a horrible kid, although I did have my reasons for being so, just not all my actions were entirely justified...FYI, I'm not anti-spanking).
No one ever believed me when I said how he treated me, especially my mother (because he didn't do it in front of others - he was very careful that way). I can laugh about it now because my mother's been getting the full brunt of it 24/7 ever since I left...payback's a bitch, ain't it? Now he doesn't hide it and everyone sees it. My Sister calls him on it upon occasion and he will back off, but not for long. As a matter of fact, when my mother and I were still speaking and she complained about it, I would actually say, "payback's a bitch, suck it up!". Sometimes she admitted she should have listened, sometimes she would just hang her head. It's too late now and I'm not a fan of the word "sorry" because it is, after all, just a word, but at least she realizes she screwed up.
FYI, for those that don't know, family members that I care about get capital letters and one's I don't get little letters. It's a sign of respect (or lack thereof). My Dad doesn't deserve it, but I can't help it.
Anyway, I'm digressing here, my step-dad always told me I was fat, ugly, stupid and would never amount to anything (thanks to years of that, I agree with him, except for the stupid part, but I waver on that sometimes too). He always told me that if I didn't lose my weight by the time I started my periods, I would never lose it. I started my period a year and a half before they even knew (I was really good at keeping my business private and still am, except online apparently!), but that's beside the point and obviously that was way before 9th grade, but 9th grade is considered the beginning of high school (at least here in the South), so that's why I'm sticking with that time frame and I think I could have kept it off if I would have started then.
I could have swam every single day because we had a pool. Ridden my bike more (I couldn't have run because my knee was already screwed up by that point, thanks to said bike and a rather nasty fall...but that was way before you had to practically wear body armor before getting on a bike and I can't say that if I got on one today I would wear a single piece of it). I was young enough that I could have changed my body and kept from having sagging skin like I do when I lose weight now. Now it's too late. Damn him. Oh well, even monsters can be right once in a lifetime.
Now I get the occasional "well, he did still keep clothes on your back and a roof over your head and food in your stomach, so you shouldn't complain about how he treated you, especially since your own Father didn't do that". Well, yes, that technically IS true, he did keep me well-fed, dressed and sheltered. Any leftover wounds that linger from that time are my own fault because I let my step-dad remain in my head. But it is still the eternal broken record playing in my head...I'm worthless, but what little worth I might have, I owe to him for taking me in. Oh joy, how lucky can a girl get? I'm like the stray Scottish dog no one wanted, but had to go somewhere. I don't interact with him at all now, especially since me and my mother don't speak anymore, and I am perfectly fine living the rest of my days that way.
Knowing what I know now, I doubt weight loss would have changed the way I was treated, but it might have lessened it some. It might have made me more confident to stand up for myself. Or at least I'd like to think it would. But anyway, let's change the subject, shall we? I've dwelt on this one long enough.
#4: Study harder:
I was one of those kids that had to make certain grades or I got spankings (A's were expected, B's meant groundings, and C's meant bend over baby!). I never got C's, although I came close a lot in PE...thank goodness for written tests! But I was also one of those kids who never tried either. I was lucky that way. I really didn't have to study because the school work itself came easy to me. I didn't struggle, but I also didn't try. Wish I could still do that...it would definitely help this fall!
During our senior year, we had the choice of leaving at noon or staying and taking Physics, Calculus, and something else. I chose to leave at noon so I could come to work (at the same lab I'm at now FYI, just in a peon position back then). I should have stayed in class. I blew every dime of that money anyway, and not on anything important (or that I probably still have).
As an aside, I was forced to get a job the second I turned 16. My Sister, on the other hand, was discouraged from getting a job at all. She ended up getting one because she wanted to and worked there until she graduated college, but that was her choice, not because they made her.
I see now (or think I do), that it was my parent's attempt to get me out of the house and do something productive. They didn't make my Sister work because she was a lot smarter than me (I beg to differ, but that's the general consensus in my family) and she had a bright future ahead of her so they wanted her to focus more on school. If I would have shown that side of myself, then maybe they would have given me the same courtesy, but I can't say for sure. I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt, even though none of them deserve it. It's hard to try with that mantra on an endless loop, but again, that was and is my fault, not theirs.
Once I got to college, I did the same to avoid studying (and to make more money to blow). I moved out the second I graduated high school, so I did have bills to pay but, by that time, I had already established my wild spending pattern that still exists to this day. Maybe if I would have put my foot down and demanded that I not work but focus more on school, those wild spending sprees would have never had a chance to take root, who knows? Well, I did try to put my foot down and demand I not work, but I was forced to anyway. Wonder what I would have said then if someone would have told me I still would be working here all these years later? Ugh.
If I just would have stayed all day during my senior year and I would have tried harder (or just tried at all), I probably would have been top of the class and could have gotten into any school I wanted, which leads to the next number.
#3: Go far far far far away to school:
Now that I finally figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life (or I think I do with Astronomy), had I been a better student, I could have gotten a free ride at a good school far away, and gotten a good education. I could be working with some of my idols now and be their colleague instead of part of their fan club watching their work from afar. That's the thing that rubs me the wrong way the most. I had NO clue what direction I was heading in as a kid and starting school so early didn't help. Apparently, I needed 47 years to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.
Plus, if I would have gone away to school, I would have gotten away from my family sooner and been able to heal wounds that only festered as I got older because they were continually picked at. If I would have left, I would have never looked back. Maybe the occasional holiday, but maybe not even then. Despite my social disabilities, I'm still extremely independent and can go a lot of places (even if I can't get out of the car), but maybe leaving home at a young age could have helped with that issue too.
My parents paid for my school flat out. No loans or scholarships (but I also didn't apply for any...why bother? It was paid for). I was told from the get-go that, if I ever quit, that was it, they wouldn't pay another dime. I was forced to start college the first summer semester after high school. I wasn't ready, but I did it anyway. I was also forced to go every single semester, including summers, with no breaks. My mother was afraid that, if I took time off, I wouldn't go back. Granted, she was right, but only after two and a half straight years of college and I was starting to waver on my art degree (plus, I wanted to go live with my Dad, which I did, and that also sucked, but for completely different reasons...another story for another day).
If I would have been given summers off, I would have probably stayed. I might have changed majors 10 times and it might have taken me 10 years to graduate (which could have been funny because they would have had to pay for all of it), but I could have gotten there eventually.
They stayed true to that promise. No matter how sincere I was about going back in the years since, I never received another dime of help. But I'm good with that, especially now because it means that, when I finish this time (and I fully intend on finishing), it will be 100% ME! I will owe them nothing and they will not have a single dime invested in my success. That means more to me than the actual degree. All the struggles I've been through have taught me that I can only depend on myself.
My Sister wasn't given the same ultimatum and didn't suffer my fate. She has two degrees. Did my parents learn their lesson from their mistakes with me? I've often said I was the crash test dummy for my Sister. I suffered so she could have a good life. Part of me is joking, but part of me is serious. She was protected from everything I was exposed to. No that's not her fault, but yes, I am still bitter about that. Again, that's on me.
#2: Focus more on others:
Yeah, I can't believe I just said that either, but I think that if I would have been more social in school, maybe that would have helped me too. If I would have lost the weight, I obviously still couldn't have made fru-fru status, but I think I could have made sub-fru. I probably still would have stayed in the art room, but maybe joined more clubs than ones I was forced to, like art or honor society (I think I was in a couple more, but I can't remember them, so they must not have been important). I probably should have even been part of the governing body (yeah, can't believe I said that either) or part of the school paper or part of the annual committee (I'm starting to freak myself out here even talking about this). Those are things I would have been good at because of my artist ability and organizational skills, I would have just had to work on the people skills more.
Knowing what I know now, I probably still wouldn't have pursued my high school crush, even though with weight loss, I would have had a good chance with him. He still treated me horribly by only being my friend in secret, so he didn't deserve me. Besides, I saw how he treated his girlfriends, and it wasn't good. I'm not sure, because of my childhood trauma, I could have been emotionally ready to deal with a boyfriend anyway. My OCD would have kicked in and made him more important than anything else, and there goes my scholastic aspirations.
#1: Dealt with who I am better:
Obviously, Aspergers was a fairly new diagnosis in the 80's and, for girls especially, extremely rare, so it would have been hard to get the proper treatment. But any kind of treatment, be it for all my other issues dealing with my family, or being molested as a child, or just being me, could have made a difference in who I grew up to be, if caught early enough. But I say that with a grain of salt because I'm now in a really bad situation that was caused by so-called "help" from mental health professionals. It's a double-edged sword.
Plus, I came from a family that's motto was "hide all the bad stuff so everyone thinks we're perfect". No family is perfect and we were FAR from it, but had I not been forced to bottle up all that emotional hurt, maybe I would have relationships with all those people now and wouldn't hold such grudges. Even though I have squeezed them all out of my life, there is still a lot of resentment there and I hate myself sometimes for holding onto it. That's not their fault...that's all on me because no one can make you feel anything...you alone grant them power over you. I am well aware of that fact, and yet, I am the world's worst at falling into the trap every.single.time.
Oh well, unfortunately, as far as we know, although time travel is theoretically possible, we haven't discovered it yet, so I guess I'm screwed. Besides, I wouldn't just want to time travel, I would have to physically travel back too while keeping my current memories. It would do no good going back without the memories because I would end up in the same boat, making the same mistakes. But sometimes it's just nice to dream, if for no other reason that just to be able to let go of some of this residual anger and resentment.
Oh well, c'est la vie! Watch this space come Sunday night (hopefully...but no promises!).
Comments
Linda
I also have "what if" I hadn't married my first husband, I wouldn't have my house and taken the path that led me to have my son. But maybe I would have got together with my second husband sooner. Who knows?
Have you read Versions of Us by Laura Barnett? The book is told in 3 strands of narrative depending on the initial outcome of one meeting, it fascinates me.
And FYI - spanking is never OK. It just teaches a person it's OK for people to be violent to them because they have power over them.
I'm looking forward (or rather reading forward, as 'after the weekend' has happened already) for your good news too!