Monday, February 3, 2014

Ice sucks!

You'd think living in the South would comfort us in warmth and sunshine year 'round...but that just isn't the case. We never get blessed with snow, instead we get blanketed in ice (and believe me, snow would be much better...I love snow. I even don't mind driving in snow.). Ice, on the other hand, is an entirely different creature. I HATE ICE! I hate driving on ice, walking on ice, falling on ice, trying to get ice off my vehicle, trying to get out my front door even, etc. Our portion of this latest winter storm was yet another good dose of ice. Yea us.

I did the unthinkable this morning, I actually got up early to do all the fun stuff that comes with ice removal, yeah, I got up's a miracle! My screen door can't open because the ice piles up in front of it, so first step is to pour boiling water at the door crack and continuously open it bit by bit until I can get outside. So, in typical Keebs fashion, I get to the last inch I needed to squeeze my fat butt through the door, and somehow manage to dump boiling water all over my hand (and of course it would be my left hand - the only hand I use). Flub #1.

I walked very slowly and carefully across the yard because I vividly remembered the last ice storm and the three falls I had in that very fall in particular was pretty severe (I fell on my back, but the base of my neck ended up bruised like I had tried to hang myself). My hand is hurting, but I'm making my way to my drive and my poor little iced-over Rogue.

Of course my vehicle is worse than I imagined, even the door handle was completely iced over. Time to go back in for warm water (didn't want to chip paint or crack windshields). Another slow journey back to the front door, only to discover that the screen door handle is completely frozen and I can't get back in the house! Now what? My back door has been sealed for years because after we moved my trailer, It shifted and got stuck, so no getting in through the back (plus there are no stairs anyway and it's five feet off the ground). I live in a trailer park 'hood, so there is no way I'm knocking on a neighbor's door (especially at 8:30 in the morning), it's 10 degrees and I'm stuck on the porch with puppies barking at me through the glass! Flub #2.

Luckily, I had my phone in my pocket. First call, work, only to get voicemail, but I left a message anyway. The first words out of my mouth were cordial, trying to explain the situation, but quickly turned to a cussing rampage about the merits of coming to work on a day like this where there won't be anything to do anyway because every other human is locked up safely in their house. Good thing they know I'm looney and unstable, or I'd probably be out of a job. Flub #3.

Next call, Auntie Mary, who just lives a few blocks away. I begged her to show up with hot water and an ice pick and hurry because I was freezing. Meanwhile, My front neighbors (I call them the crackheads) apparently heard me banging on my door handle and one of them came outside, with nothing but boxer shorts shoes, no shirt, nada! Dude didn't even look cold and I'm wearing three layers (thankfully) and shivering like a child in a horror house! Who knew that one of the benefits of crack usage is internal warmth...I was born perpetually cold, maybe I should be a druggie...but I digress. He did manage to break the ice with a screwdriver, but not without some added commentary.

In the process of ice breakage, daddy crackhead proceeds to tell me that I could call on them anytime, that I'm the best neighbor they have, and that he watches me coming home everyday (yes, he actually said that...great, now I'm being stalked by crackhead neighbors). I just completely ignored all his comments, quickly thanking him for getting me in the door, and bolted like my pants were on fire, leaving him standing on the porch in his undies holding a dangerous weapon. Flub #4.

My Aunt finally shows as I'm tending to my burnt hand almost 22 minutes later (don't know what the hell took her so long, she has a garage for her vehicle and only lives a couple of blocks away). But I think she felt guilty about taking so long so she de-iced my car (by this time, I was ready to just pack the day in and get back in bed). I just let her do all the work and had a Coke Zero. Flub #5.

I was finally able to get on the road to work about an hour from when my initial fiasco began, only to be tightly tailed by a Honda car most of the way to work. I say most of the way, because I pulled a meanie and hit my brakes a bit too quick (shame on me...I knew what the outcome would be and didn't care). I slid a bit, but he ended up sliding into a parking lot (I didn't want to be horrible and do it next to a ditch, but it did cross my mind more than once - so you see, I'm evil, but not Satanic). I'm sure my karma is gonna take a hit for that one, but hey, karma is a two way street and he got his back, so I think Flub #6 should be just 5.5.

I have spent the entire day at work doing crap work because there is nothing good to do (just as I said, everyone else in the world is tucked safely in their own homes, so we don't have any work). As long as I spray burn cream on my hand every couple of minutes, it doesn't hurt so bad. There are no blisters (yet), but the skin is all smooth and soft, so I know they are coming. I decided to share my fun with you guys. I wish I was home stitching (but watch the burn will make it hard and I won't be able to stitch for days...then see how south my mood goes). Plus, there is more ice on the way for tomorrow. Yea me. Note to self...melt the ice on the door handle FIRST before exiting the building!



Linda said...

Sorry about all the ice problems but I did have to smile at your writing. I read when you burn yourself to stick it in plain flour and it won't burn or blister.


Carla Eldridge said...

So, you had my day plus 3? I hope you can still stitch...pleeeaaase say you can still stitch!

Maureen said...

I really hope your day got better but if it is any consolation you made me laugh with your revenge on the tailgater.

Kate N said...

Hey keebs, What?! Lol! Sounds like you had a great day! Who doesnt love ice? Seriously keebs by some skates it will be a whole lot easier :D
Just kidding of course chief flubber! x

Miamina said...

Oh no, sorry that you had such a bad day :( Although I had to laugh....sorry!