Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Progress Live

It came today! I can't stop crying! How amazing! I can't even imagine having been there in the audience! I've been to concerts before...seen Duran Duran more times than I can count, but nothing has moved me the way this has and this was a video! When they all finally showed up on stage together...I just don't even know what to say! I'm gonna be on a Take That high for a month! Great way to end a really crappy headache day! I can't wait until the Live Album comes out too so I can listen to it in the car!

Here are some highlights I found on YouTube:

I can't even imagine walking out somewhere and having that many people screaming at you! But Mark sounded as strong as Gaz!

When the crying started...God I love Mark!

To be able to hear Mark sing Babe now that he can actually sing...shivers...just shivers!

Proper 90's boy band stuff, but all five and totally lost it when Mark goes "welcome back Rob"!

This was just a total OMG moment! Watching Gaz and Rob kid around was one thing...but when Markie and Rob started dancing together, I was just openly blubbering by that point!

They always have the best time doing this one!

From a negative front...Robbie's solo stuff was so below par. I didn't, but I found myself wanting to fast forward through it. It's definitely a far cry from his Swing When You're Winning Days! Once he was in "band mode", his voice got better.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Somebody was a busy bee this weekend!


Yep, that's right! Almost done with page 2! I'm a bit worried about the seam line between the pages. I tried everything to keep it from happening, but nothing seemed to work. But I'm really excited about page 3 because I actually hit hair! But another bad week looms ahead, so I just don't know how it will go.

The Monaco also came in and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna absolutely love it! It's a heck of a lot more like Aida than the Lugana is and feels a lot stronger. It will definitely be used for all my future projects.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Early finish for IHSW

So I have to quit early on this IHSW, but I'm so proud of myself because I finished my first page of my first HAED! Only 41 more to go!!

It's gonna be a really crap week for me (this is actually the worst work week of the year for me), so the updates may be sparse, but I'll try to get some stitching in. I did decide to go ahead and finish with the Lugana on AWTTH, but I had already spent $10 of the last $19 I had in checking to get some Monaco when I had my Friday night panic attack. Oh well, I'm sure I can use it elsewhere!

Friday, November 18, 2011


Having a complete panic moment! Been thinking alot about how I don't really care for the lugana...it's too thin, too soft, and the threads tend to "tear" through the boxes. Just taking a break and was reading a blog post and someone mentioned monaco and now I'm thinking I should re-start again using monaco! I know this is my first HAED and I'm entitled to mess it up a little, but I don't do "messes" very well and this HAED is special...I want it to be right. So for those in the know...monaco vs lugana...what's your preference? God, what a dilemma before the IHSW!!

Oh, I should also add, I've only ever worked with aida and any sort of evenweave or linen is completely foreign to me in the first place, so will monaco be closer to aida or be just the same as the lugana? It seems to be thicker and stronger and looks a heck of a lot more like aida. Ugh...I hate feeling dumb about something!

More progress

I don't know how people do more than one project at a time! I only want to focus on one at a time, but I did manage a few stitches on A Summer Ball tonight.


I haven't decided whether to only work on A Walk Through The Highlands for IHSW this weekend or on both. I thought about it a lot today. I think it might be better to focus on my little Highlander girl and just do A Summer Ball when I get tired of the tiny 28ct. I guess I should have known there was no way I could work on two at a time...good thing I didn't do the three! I'd be a basket case!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

My history with reading

My last post got me thinking even further about reading...and the past. I was always an early reader...while others where reading Dick and Jane, I was reading Little Golden Books, while others where reading Little Golden Books, I was reading The Box Car Kids (showing my age with that one, right?), then I moved on to Dracula, and so on. I can remember going to our public library all the time because the school library didn't have advanced enough books for me. The librarian made my Mother come and sign that it was OK for me to check out Interview With The Vampire by Anne Rice because I was too young to check it out. At the time my Mother could have cared less what I was reading as long as I stayed out of her hair, and I think the librarian knew it, so she didn't put up a fight when my Mother signed it way too easily after the librarian explained the book was too advanced for a kid my age. And like I said in my last post, Mrs. Krennerich turned me to even more classics and I was a lost cause.

But one thing I never read was romance novels...I hated the things. I watched my Step-Mother go to the library once a week, get a paper sack full of the things, read them all in a week, then go back and get another sack full. I could never figure out how she could tell them apart, they all looked the same on the cover!

I credit myself with raising my sister, Am, and I thought I instilled in her my love of reading, until one day I saw her with one of those crappy romance novels! I had failed as a surrogate mother!! It was a constant source of irritation for me for years!! How could she do that to me?

Then, a few years ago, in a moment of weakness, I read a book, but not just any book...you guessed it...a romance novel. How it happened I still don't know...I concede I was drinking that night (but I guess it doesn't explain how I actually purchased the book if I'm honest). The book was called No Man's Bride by Shana Galen. It definitely changed my view of romance novels! I have since read it numerous times. I think it's because the heroine and I are a lot alike in a lot of ways.

I have to eat my words to Am all the time now because I pretty much only read romances with the occasional classic thrown in now and again. It's a disease. I do think it's because romance novels have changed quite a bit. I have read older ones and they really suck, so my early views of them was not completely unwarranted.

And, afterall, as much as I hate to admit it, the most famous romance novelist of all time is my favorite author, Miss Jane Austen, and if I can respect her, then I can surely give the other authors a chance!

Teachers - The Good

So speaking of teachers and school, particularly high school…I wasn’t a fan (of high school, not teachers in general...one of my besties is a teach!). Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely LOVED and LOVE learning! College was my favorite time of life (if only I’d stayed and I’d give anything to change that moment in time). I hated high school, on the other hand. I was beyond weird, listened to British music in a world of rednecks, was fat, wore glasses, had braces…need I say more (and most of those traits (other than the glasses and the braces) hasn’t changed BTW). I came from a very “Breakfast Club” type school (I was definitely Ally Sheedy’s character, minus the slut part) and I hated the class warfare and fought it with every ounce of my being (believe it or not, a surprising number of those people still live in their little cliques as though nothing has changed – fru-fru’s I called them, the popular, mean, cheerleader types). I sat in class pretty much carving on my wrists with my fingernails, secretly wishing I was home alone listening to Duran Duran or the Cure (yes Kyle Broflovski, Disintegration is the best album ever!).

Teachers never noticed me even though I usually sat close to the front, I got good grades, but it was under threat of death from my parents, not from trying. Had I tried, I could have done much better but I never put in an effort…another regret. But there was one teacher in particular who did notice me (and not because they hated me, see post below). This one gets named because she deserves to be named…Jane Krennerich and she taught Advanced English.

Now, the school I grew up in was small, very small, in the middle of redneckland. When you moved up a grade, you didn’t always get a new teacher, so from 10th through 12th, Mrs. Krennerich was our English teacher (just as Hippie was our Art). Where Mr. Hippie disliked only me, most people disliked Mrs. Krennerich, in fact, most called her Mrs. Krennebitch (I’m sure she’s not oblivious to the nickname and its not like she’s ever gonna read this anyway)…and when I say most people, I guess I should say, most everybody except me. I worshipped the woman (and still do today although she probably doesn't remember me at all).

She saw something in me no one else did (although I don’t know for the life of me what it was). She knew I got what she was teaching. She knew I understood Shakespeare when everyone else was blank-faced. She knew I was excited about the Brontes and Austen and Hardy, knew I’d start drooling over Poe or Stoker or Shelley, and even, upon occasion, could manage a brief flutter of interest out of me with Keats and Byron.

I did, however, terrify her a bit with my writing (subject matter only, seeing as how I tended to write horror, especially loving to write about killing my Step-father in rather ingenious ways…I still have some of those little gems). I can remember one time it scared her so much she called me in after class for a meeting because she thought I was being abused because of said subject matter (mental abuse didn’t count as abuse in those days). But subject matter aside, and once I had convinced her I wasn’t being beaten nightly, she wanted me to seriously consider writing as a career. I can remember us discussing literature and me telling her how much I loved it, but we both knew I wasn’t cut out for teaching (social issues weren’t as big a deal for me back then as they are now, but there were signs that I wasn’t right, but she wouldn’t have said it out loud – although she probably would have told any other student in the class that they were off - hence the Krenne-hate).

A funny aside, being in “advanced classes” (advanced for redneckville), especially English, meant that we studied literature, not actual English. We were the first class to graduate under Bill Clinton’s new standards for education (who was our state’s governor at the time), so we had to take a test to graduate, and, here’s the funny bit, all the “advanced class” students failed the grammar section of the test! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US! Why? Because we hadn’t been taught it! They tried to give us a rush course of it, and we were able to retake the test, which we managed to all pass, but as you can probably tell from my blog, the lessons didn’t stick because my grammar and punctuation still suck today!

For our senior paper, knowing how much I liked Austen, she wouldn’t let me do my paper on Pride and Prejudice (at the time I’d only ever read P&P and Sense and Sensibility…God what I wouldn’t give to have been able to do it on Persuasion…my favorite!), she thought that Wuthering Heights would be a better choice for me. I was mad at the time because although I wrote dark stuff, I typically read happy ending kind of stuff (and still do, as well as watch happy-ending movies). I fought her on it, but she kept insisting, and made me give her samples of my progress constantly. At the time I didn’t think about it, but looking back, I don’t think she did that with anyone else. I got an A++++ for content, but of course a D- for grammar on the final piece. I also still have that…”Love and Betrayal in Wuthering Heights”. To this day I still can't stand Wuthering Heights..Heathcliff deserved to get his Cathy.

But, anyhoo, after Mr. Hippie’s post, I did want to dedicate a post to a teacher to show that not all my teacher/student experiences were bad (OK, only one was actually good, but still). Mrs. Krennerich left our school the year we graduated and moved to another school (where, funnily enough, they also called her Krennebitch). But, because of her, I still love literature, worship Jane Austen, and love writing, even if I can’t punctuate it properly!

So thanks Mrs. Krennerich, for seeing that itty-bitty tiny little spark of life in me very few people ever see and steering it in a direction where it still resides today. You were the one and only teacher that affected me and I've never forgotten you because of it! I only wish I could have made as big an impression on her as she did me...she was one of the few people in my life I wanted to impress!

Moving along

Well, I've finally made it past where I was before I restarted. I'm still using the magnifying light though. It goes faster that way. I still can't get over how tiny the stitches are! It does have me re-thinking the Haunted Mansion Stretching Portraits again...wonder how they would do on 28 ct instead of 22? I did re-chart it and it did give tons more detail which definitely made my mouth water. But anyway, without further ado:


I don't remember if I mentioned it, but I did do a time lapse video of Mickey and Friends and it was very interesting. Since I didn't always take pictures until I started a blog, there wasn't a lot to go with. But as I do these two new ones, I'm documenting every step, and those time lapse videos will be really interesting!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Art in a former life

So here’s another potentially offensive post to some concerning empathy, which Aspergers are known not to have, and trust me, my lack of it knows no bounds. A lot of times I find myself feeling guilty because I don’t feel it. The first time I can remember was when I was ten and my Grandfather, my Father’s Father, died. Everyone was crying and upset, and although he was my favorite person of that whole bunch, I felt nothing, zip, zilch, nada. So I cried like a baby because I felt nothing because even at 10 I knew it wasn’t normal to be that way (that was also the same funeral his wife, my Grandmother, tried to put me in the coffin to kiss him goodbye, which is why to this day I don’t go to funerals…won’t even be at my own).

Fast forward to age 16, I’m with my Mother in Wal-Mart and she runs into someone she knows with a baby and everyone is cooing over the kid. Again, I feel absolutely nothing and again, the waterworks flowed. People are supposed to feel all ga-ga over babies, right? Well, not me…I feel nothing for a lot of things I should and feel way too strongly for things I shouldn’t…my compass is screwed up.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I used to be an artist. I was coloring on things before I could even speak. It was my whole life up until about the age of 24. You would never find me without a sketch book somewhere on my person. I was the geeky kid who hung out in either the library or the art room. I had wonderful art teachers all through school up until the 10th grade. Then we got a new art teacher, I'll call him Mr. Hippie (because that's exactly what he was, as is most art teachers). He hated me from day 1 and the feeling was most definitely mutual. I had never in all my days gotten B’s in art, but he never gave me anything but, and he stuck with me all the way through graduation. We butted heads constantly.

Eventually, I think he gave up trying to teach me anything and gave me my own corner. The home-ec class made their own sweatshirts and picked some designs and I airbrushed it on for them and I also made yard cards. I did this pretty much my last two years of art in high school (but still to B grades) while everyone else did the typical class stuff. But Mr. Hippie and I still kept at each other the entire time.

For one semester we got a student teacher in. The dude was obsessed with Jackson Pollock. Now, after having free reign of my own little art world, having to actually participate in class was bad enough, but, me being the classicist and impressionist that I was (and still am), there was no way that was gonna wash…I am NOT a fan of Pollock...human excrement on a canvas splattered with paint that a two-year old could do is not art! Needless to say, the student had one class to go to finish his degree, and by the time we got through with him (or maybe it was me…I’m not admitting anything solely), he quit college completely. Who knows what he’s doing now, but I got my corner back.

Time for college rolled around and I was debating an art major in high school but Hippie told me in no uncertain terms that would be the worst idea ever and I’d never make it in any art field. I never told anyone that until now. I was working at the Path lab I work at now in high school, so I decided to start out as a Med Tech major (which lasted all of five minutes).

My Father (who one day will receive the blog crucifixion he so desperately deserves) also always pushed me into art (and push is putting it mildly). He always wanted to be an architect, and because of my Mother, or me, or both or neither, he never did, so I was his chance to live vicariously in the art world. So, with his constant pushing, and the Med Tech thing not working out, I decided to not listen to Hippie and switched my major to Graphic Design and, at the time, was the first right decision I had ever made. My college professors all seemed to love me(never got one single B, thank you very much) and for the first time I found my niche! Never was a more perfect field for an OCD sufferer than Graphic Design...lettering, drawing, design, art history...pure bliss! (except for those pesky abstract projects and my professor still gave me an A because he said that he'd never seen a student who could always find the symmetry in absractness like I could...I loathe abstractness!).

But, for some reason to this day I can’t explain, one day I woke up and my love of art had completely switched off. I was done (another apparent Asperger trait). Or maybe it had to do with the fact that when I told my Dad I switched my major to art (thinking he would be the most proudest parent on the planet) he basically asked me “what on earth did you do that for?”. Maybe it had just run its course. Or maybe, and a very small maybe, mind you, Hippie was right.

Now to the purpose of this long-winded blog…Mr. Hippie apparently died yesterday. And, you guessed it, I feel absolutely nothing. No remorse, no sorrow for his family, not even a “ding dong the witch is dead”. A fellow school mate of mine sent me an email letting me know that the visitation was tonight and I’m once again stuck in the Asperger’s predicament of how to respond. I tried to be fake-y nice, but it’s just not in my nature. I told him I hadn’t heard, said I was sorry for Hippie's wife (because I HATED his daughter with a PASSION and could care less about her feelings…sorry, the truth), and mentioned that we didn’t get on that well and quickly shifted the topic of conversation to my classmate’s wife who has been sick.

Does this make me a bad person because someone I have no feelings for died and I don’t care? Thus the predicament Asperger’s leaves for me, yes, I do feel emotion, but not for what I should feel it for, but because I don’t feel it at all. From age 10 to 16 to 41, a lesson I still can’t seem to learn or a trait I can’t still seem to adapt to, and probably never will.

But hey, that's the purpose of this blog, for me to be able to get my feelings out there and not keep them bottled up inside, whether anyone chooses to listen is another story, but one that doesn't concern me, my story has been told, and I do actually feel better now. R.I.P. Mr. Hippie.

Monday, November 14, 2011

It's time again!

I am SOOO glad it's time for the International Hermit And Stitch Weekend again! I need focus and this just might be the motivation I need! I was afraid with the holidays coming up, we would be missing this month...plus, this is the month I practically have to live at work because I have to cover for everyone that's off since they "have lives" and "I don't" (my ex-boss's phrasing, not mine).

Holidays are a very sore spot with me. We get paid overtime by the week, not the day, so I have to work over 40 hours a week to get any, which every single week I usually do, but on the week where there is a holiday, that's 8 hours holiday pay instead of straight pay, which means that's 8 hours off my 40 hour work week (actually it usually averages 55), meaning I have to work 8 hours more to score overtime or it's just straight time. Plus, I don't get shift-diff for the holiday. So, basically, I'm still working twice as hard, for single pay. Totally sucks. Be-it a holiday or a day-off, it basically costs me $100 to $130 in lost wages (but it goes down the more I'm off in a row, which is why it's better for me to take off 2 weeks at a time to go to Disney World...ouch, reminded myself of that missing trip again). And my co-worker I have to cover for most just LOVES taking off around holidays, so it happens quite a lot. I tried to snag a couple this year, but it made me so sick in guilt, I couldn't enjoy them (I did literally make myself sick...my moral compass is a bit on the left side - can't blame the OCD for that one...that's all Asperger's).

Don't know where that weird rant came from! Back to your regularly scheduled blog posts!

PS...trying out a new look for the blog...I still can't get too fancy with the backgrounds and what-nots...it just looks too cluttered for me...but I'm trying to branch out a bit!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Modest new start!

Well, the 28ct is interesting! It's very thin, but the 1x1 is working out fabulously! It is very very tiny and I am having to use the magnifying mirror, but I'm hoping once I get used to it, I won't need the magnifier. But without further ado:


Friday, November 11, 2011

The new material is in!

The 28ct lugana to restart A Walk Through The Highlands came in and geez is it tiny! I think 1x1 on it will work fine! That is if I can see it!

Didn't much work done on A Summer Ball because I had to work a double shift (again) yesterday, but I've moved up another color and now the lighter colors are starting to pop!


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Body Farm - A Review of reviews

Let me just say, never in all my years of buying from Amazon or any other site have I ever left a review (unless it was for the actual seller or if the product was defective). Why you ask? Because I usually don't read or absorb others opinions because just because they didn't like it doesn't mean I won't and god forbid I should force my opinions on the world (which is funny considering I do a blog, but I'm digressing)...so I choose to just keep my mouth shut and not leave reviews.

I was a fan of Waking The Dead and I knew that The Body Farm was going to be spinning off from it and was anxiously awaiting its arrival on DVD so I could watch it. Periodically I would check Amazon UK to see if it was listed yet and when it was due to to be released, until finally that magic day came! I had my release date! People generally start posting reviews of the show before the DVD gets released because they are able to watch the show as it airs. Needless to say, the reviews were less than stellar...most of them were downright awful, and they just kept getting worse and worse!

But, like I said, I don't really listen to reviews, so I was still waiting patiently for my copy to come in (yeah, right, me patient...but it makes the story sound better so bare with me). Then, day before yesterday, it arrived! And my excitement was so justified! It was brilliant! I absolutely loved it! I watched all 6 episodes all in one sitting!

Then I started dwelling on the reviews again...friggin OCD. So I went back and read some again and my anger started to swell. People complained because it wasn't like Waking The Dead, people complained because it wasn't forensically realistic enough, people complained at the casting, people complained because each storyline was finished in the hour, one person even complained that they weren't following medical protocol! Come on! Seriously?

So, for the first time in my life, I left a review on Amazon UK. I gave it the five stars it deserved and then I started my rant. The first point being how can you compare the show to Waking The Dead? It's a spin off! I used the Cheers/Wings analogy (because it was the only one I could think of at the time), but Waking The Dead was a cold case police unit, The Body Farm is a forensic testing unit who have to supplement their income by taking on current police cases. Where are the similarities in that? There isn't...they share one solitary character...Dr. Eve Lockhart...period.

The second point, the realism issue. Come one people! This is television! I'm sure CSI members and MI-5 agents laugh at CSI and Spooks too for their realism. The general public don't realize when the techs make errors or don't follow procedure (nor, I'm sure, don't care). One reviewer claimed to be a Forensic Pathology Tech and "knows for a fact" they "are way off" in their methods. Big whoop. I work in Pathology too and frankly I did notice a few things, but I typically don't take work home and I do realize I'm watching a TELEVISION show that is a work of FICTION providing me ENTERTAINMENT and therefore I realize IT'S NOT REAL NOR IS IT MEANT TO BE! This person gave it one star for that reason.

Then there was the negative reaction to the characters...a couple directed at the character of Oggy, played by Finlay Robertson. Reviews ranged from "the general lab geek", to "just plain weird". Oggy was my favorite part of the show! He exhibits tons of Asperger traits IMO and I love Finlay anyway (and have since the Blink episode of Doctor Who). Now, of all the Pathologists on Waking The Dead, Eve was my least favorite, but I did really like the romance history and building of a possible new romance between her and her partner on The Body Farm...it humanized her a bit more for me.

The icing on the cake for me was the last episode had Jamie Draven in it! Any we all know how much I love me some Jamie! One episode had Jonas Armstrong...so with Finlay, cast member Keith Allen, and Jonas, it was a regular Robin Hood reunion!

In summary, get The Body Farm, and, if you enjoy it, leave a review on Amazon UK (if you don't enjoy it...no need to leave another negative review...there are already enough). We still don't know if it's gonna get renewed for another series, but as long as the reviews are that negative, it's probably not looking good!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A Summer Ball update

Geez, I shouldn't blog when I feel like crap! Makes me sound a bit like a twat! My last post was a bit on the militant side! Oh well, that's just me all over!

Any-hoo...on to stitching progress. Still waiting for the new material to come in so I can restart A Walk Through The Highlands, but until then, all my energy (what little there is of it) is focused on A Summer Ball. I'm doing all the light colored stuff first, so the picture isn't showing up well, but I kind of prefer to do the light colors first and the darker ones last. But without further ado:

It's been a long time since I've done a stitch with quarter and three-quarter stitches and frankly, it's making my attention span really short with this one. Half stitches I don't mind, the the quarter stitches, ugh. But I must keep calm and carry on. But I do find it funny that the one time I try to do two projects at the same time, circumstances cause me to end up only doing one! If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Asperger's, migraines, and yet another rant

WARNING: The post below may offend people...but frankly...so what. This is my view about a condition from which I suffer from and I see it in a way which outsiders and even parents of Asper-kids don't. So it will either open your eyes about Asperger's Syndrome and make you understand somebody you know who has it a bit better, or you'll drop off my followers list...either way, this blog is about me, my thoughts, and feelings. I am an Asper-girl, born and self-raised, and this is my story. Now back to my regularly scheduled blog....

So I barely got any stitching done at all. Probably one of the few optimistic points about my migraines is that I don't have them on the weekends, or not until now. They are stress related and my stress is work related, hence the Mon thru Fri migraine schedule. That is starting to change and more and more they are spilling over into my weekends, probably because I'm taking the stress home with me, and it's only going to get worse due to massive changes at work. I can't quit my job, not without another job, or a winning lottery ticket, neither of which seems to be within my reach, at least not now. What scares me is how bad my headaches will get before my brain explodes (which seemed pretty darn likely last night).

My weekends have always been my refuge from the world. I don't open the door or go outside, I get angry when the phone rings or I'm bothered, and god forbid if I should have to go somewhere and do something I don't want to (at least at not without prior planning)! Given the chance, I would rarely ever leave the house, which is probably why the universe won't let me win the lottery, I would become completely anti-social, at least now it has some control over me and makes me interact, albeit minimally, with the outside world. So, when I have to spend my time curled up in a ball in pain, well, frankly it pissed me off! I need my down-time to be able to deal with the world at large. So what happens when I don't get my down-time? My stress level goes up, hence my headaches get worse, hence my down-time gets cut more...it's a never ending cycle.

I've tried to off-set this lately by taking some time off, but when I come back to work, it just gets worse. The more I'm home, hermitized, the more I want to be that way and the more even little tiny things in the real world set me off. Plus work is getting worse and worse by the minute. Big changes seemingly every second and what's the worst thing in the world for someone with Asperger's? Change. And now on to the topic I've been meaning to discuss for a while...

When I first got diagnosed, my first feelings were relief that "oh, finally, something that explains me!", and then almost immediately it was "why didn't my parents do something when I was little?". I was extremely angry for a very long time (and, to tell the truth, am still miffed). But in the 70's and 80's, there was nothing to be done, Asperger's was unheard of (but in my defense I showed enough social issues and OCD issues to scare anyone and it should have been dealt with...I've veering off topic). In those days parents didn't deal with their children's problems, they hid them, and mine were no different, if not worse than most for reasons I'm not going to discuss.

So what does a kid do who has severe issues, no one to talk to, or would if they could, in a time when bad social behavior is not tolerated? I crawled inside myself and locked myself away. The Asper's head is their most sacred place and it's their everything, so being locked there isn't a bad thing, if anything, it's pure nirvana. I learned on my own to not act out publicly by staying out of the public entirely. The fear of making a fool out of myself publicly was so great, it essentially controlled the Asperger's. I learned how to fake emotion so I seemed normal to the masses. I manage to leave the house everyday to go to work because I know is the only way I can keep a roof over my head and food in my fat belly. For a blip on the radar of life I even managed a brief marriage, but that was obviously doomed from the start for numerous reasons I don't want to discuss now. But life is at it's best when I'm on my own...all by myself.

In my late 20's, I decided it was time to finally get professional help (OK, so work forced me to do it, but I got there). But it didn't take long for me to figure out there was no way therapy was gonna work. First off, I'm not about to let someone inside my head, and secondly, Asper's are more in tune with themselves than the average person (and tend to be more energy sensitive and in tune with their senses, my sense of smell, hearing, and taste is sometimes frightening...my Father used to tell me when I was little I could hear a mouse fart one state over and then be able to describe the smell-yeah, pleasant, but you'd have to know my dad).

Of course they put you on the drugs, which, don't let them tell you differently, completely zombiefy you and let me tell you why...Asper's feel very little, except for what they are passionate about, which is intense. The drugs remove the intensity, calming you, which for other problems is good, but when Asper's are only passionate about one or two things in life, take that away and they have nothing...let me repeat for the cheap seats...NOTHING! And here's the biggest zombie reason of all...when you live in your head and you're taking drugs that essentially empty your head, where do you go? You still can't go "out" and by "out" I don't mean Wal-Mart, because, for the first time, you can actually can do that without freaking out...no, I mean outside your shell. You're still locked in it...you don't just step out of your head after a lifetime just because it's now empty and there's no reason to be there anymore. It doesn't work that way. Now you're just locked in an empty mass. Which is cool for a while...you've spent a lifetime suffering, torturing or being tortured, now you can be quiet. But it get's really old really fast and then you're stuck and then the true misery begins.

I lasted 6 months, but it took me another 6 months to get off the medication because it's so addictive. That's a year of my life gone. I'm still pissed about that. Yes, I know the purpose of the therapy was to help get me out of the empty shell so when my head was no longer empty after I was off the meds, I would be OK living outside it. But I've already discussed why there was no way I was gonna let a therapist in my head. I have since tried therapy again just last year and it was just like I remembered...her probing my head and me fighting all the way. It's a completely useless waste of everyone's time. Even my neurologist keeps trying to give me antidepressants to help with my migraines (since they are stress related), but I can't take them at all now, the zombification is almost instantaneous (although Xanax is my best friend lately).

Would my life been different if I had been treated like the Asper-kids are today, as special needs kids living on medication? Yes, I think it would have been, but in a bad or good way is debatable. Granted, I have a mild case of Asperger's, but I can't help but wonder what will these kids be like when they become adults. My parents ignoring my problem pisses me off, but I know probably would have been worse had they singled me out, putting me in special classes (if such a thing existed in my day), or in therapy as a child. I can't imagine what my tumultuous childhood would have been like if it would have been spent taking medication that made me not feel the passion for the few things I do feel for like Disney or this actor of that show or whatever my obsession is at the moment. And I definitely can't imagine not living in my overly active, highly imaginative, and right now extremely painful head because it was empty due to drugs. How terrible it must be not to have a place for these poor kids to escape.

So all this leads to the fact that I deal with everything on my own, in my own head...which is probably why I started having migraines. My pressure has to go somewhere. But given a choice between migraines or a lifetime of being treated as "special needs" (I don't even like that phrase), I choose the migraines. Eventually I will get control of the situation and deal with this stress at work, just as I always have, it's what I do, but until then, I may not get much stitching done until work calms down a bit, but I'll be damned if I let them beat me!!

Let me also add, there was a time I'd do anything to be "normal" and change the way I am which is why I spent my entire teenage years incredibly suicidal, but those days are long gone. I now know who and what I am and have no desire to change it, nor should I. I grew up adjusting to the world, as probably did most Asper kids of my generation. I think Asper kids today have the world adjusting to them, which is the opposite of what I went through (and would have loved as a kid)...but now I don't think that's OK either because I wouldn't be as strong as I am today without my self-reliance. But hindsight is 20/20 and only time will tell about the Asper-kids of today and their ability to function in adulthood.

Soapbox dismount.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Problem update and other thoughts

Thanks to everyone for your comments! I've ordered some 28ct lugana and I'm gonna try that 1x1. In the meantime, I'll just concentrate on A Summer Ball. This whole thing has definitely been a learning experience! But since I've only ever done kits, I should have guessed there would be a few bumps in the road! Thank goodness for the internet! It's not like I know anyone around me who could or would help me with these issues! So thanks again everyone!

I did finally break down and watch the entire series of Strike Back - Project Dawn. At least by ep3 they did do a bit of redemption for the death of John Porter (aka Richard Armitage). It did get better and by the end I did enjoy it (although it was NOWHERE near as good as the original series and if you have access I highly recommend you watch the original).

There is a television show I've wanted to review...Once Upon A Time. I've watched the two episodes numerous times a piece online. It's the first American show in years that I can honestly say I absolutely LOVE! (although there is no way the Evil Queen could beat Maleficent in a fight - the Queen is a witch...she needs spells - something this series seems to forget sometimes, Maleficent is a fairy, her magic is innate and could conjure at will - I take my Disney lore seriously). And I can't believe I actually like a show that's doing well in the ratings! Normally a show I like bombs and they pull it!

Darren Hayes full album review

And I almost forgot about a full review of Darren Hayes' new album! Let me say first, I do love it, I'm just not "in love" with it. It's definitely not a "This Delicate Thing We've Made" quality album. It most definitely sounds more like a Savage Garden record than a Darren record. Plus, this is the first time I can't point out songs and go, "OMG, he's talking about me personally", this is more of a "OMG, he's talking about my relationship with so-and-so". Maybe that's it, the personality is out of this record and it's just about everyone else...maybe that's what it's lacking...Darren's soul. Did he sell it for a record deal? Time will tell.

But for specific song examples, "Bloodstained Heart" is the best song on the album, hands down.

"Hurt" I would definitely dedicate to anyone who tries to get close to me and definitely to my best-ies:
If you want something broke you better give it to me
I've got a way of disappointing that you wouldn't believe
I can take a good intention and turn it on it's head
I can make you pray to god and wish we'd never met

"Cruel Cruel World" without a doubt made me think first and foremost of my sister the second I heard it:
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel
Without my tiny little pills
Sudden emotion I have awoken
I'm wet behind the ears
To find myself in such a cruel cruel world
Nobody gets me, nobody gets me, nobody gets me like you
Everyone left me, everyone left me, everyone left me but you
Now You're the only one, the only one, the only one who get's through
And when my hope is gone, I'm feeling numb, the only one I let through is you
You, You get me through, you, you get me through this cruel cruel world
It's been a battle for too long
All my happiness has gone
Kindness erases
A city of strangers
Deep down in my bones
All I want to do is crawl back home to you

And I knew "Black Out The Sun" was my theme for my father, the only person alive who can actually wound my soul:
No, turn off the sun, take down the moon, for I don't need them anymore
Go, switch off the stars, and paint the sky black, love isn't ever coming back
There's no use in imaging a world without you, your love was like I drug I was addicted to
Because there's nobody else who can hurt like you hurt me
I don't want to be lonely
And there's no other way
There's no joy there's no meaning
Just this hollowed out feeling
Now All the love's gone
And nothing grows here
And I just feel wrong
So black out the sun
And all that we shared will slowly disappear
There's a hole where my soul used to grow
So just black out the sun
No, stop all the rain, and poison the ground, love doesn't want to hang around
Go, turn all the fruit into bitter wine, it was only sweet when you were mine
There's an emptiness inside of me since you've been gone
All the world has lost it's meaning all my colors run
The sun
Now nothing compared
How could it even dare
Because now that love's gone
I want to black out the sun

I did download the deluxe edition and there were several bonus songs, but none to write home about, which is SO NOT Darren....my favorite songs of his have been B-sides or previously unreleased or even bonus tracks. These are more like the ones that didn't quite make the album cut. And there was a dedication song to Michael Jackson called "Glorious" that was just weird.

But, again, I do love the album (although re-reading this it almost seems like I don't). I just hope that this album does well and the record company allows him to do what he wants next time. He's created his solo fan base based on doing songs HIS way, not recreating Savage Garden (which is a bit of an oxymoron since Darren WAS Savage Garden - but fans know the difference...SG was lovey and pop-y and his solo was raw and emotional). But when it comes to Darren, I'll take what I can get!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Need help! Problems!

Thought things were going well with A Walk Through The Highlands...I was getting used to the soft lugana and I was loving the 2x1...until I met two colors together. Then the problems started! I HATE how it looks! For those who have used 25ct before, did you do 2x1 or 1x1? If you did 2x1, how did the heavy coverage effect when the colors met? I'm seriously debating starting over before I get much further.


I know it's really hard to tell from the picture, but because of the heavy coverage, it's showing every little flaw and the two color meeting points look awful in my way overly hypercritical eyes.

Before I get any further, I could either restart and do 1x1 or get some 28ct and do 1x1 and not have to worry about the less coverage. I could also do 22ct and do 2x1, but the entire project would be even bigger! More than likely, I'm not going to be able to keep on...it's eating me alive.

Haven't been working on A Summer Ball much. I was afraid I'd end up focusing on one project, but here's where I am with it:

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Secret Codes and Battleships!

Darren Hayes' new album is out! Go to itunes and get your copy now (and the deluxe features extra songs!). I've got storms moving in, so I can't review it fully now...but it's Darren so you know I'm loving every second of it!!! It's a bit more mainstream than his solo stuff usually is, not that it's a bad thing, but he's not as "laid bare" as he normally would be...meaning his lyrics are a bit subdued. Plus the music is a bit more "produced", which is not a good thing in Darren's case, it takes away from his voice...he doesn't need it. This album is more Savage Garden than Darren Hayes I guess is the best analogy I can give. More later...the thunder is rolling in!

Here's the video for Bloodstained Heart...still the best song on the album (just in case you haven't seen it yet, or want to see it again):